Parenting Trends

August 20, 2025 by Andrea

Did you know that almost exactly a year ago, the US Surgeon General issued a public health advisory about the impact of modern stresses on parents’ mental health?!

These advisories have been issued on the dangers of smoking, gun violence and loneliness so we are talking serious health concern here! The report describes parents as, “completely overwhelmed”, “so stressed they couldn’t function” and “numb”. Can you relate? I think it’s a common claim that parenting today is harder than it ever has been. My gut reaction is a hearty “yes” but upon further reflection, I have to wonder. When I think about parenting in previous eras when resources were far less and societal struggles (like the great depression) were beyond what we can imagine, I have to pause. Is it that our circumstances are actually more difficult or has our definition of successful parenting created a standard guaranteed to make parenting a recipe for burnout? I think it’s both. I believe we have unprecedented challenges to face as parents AND we have created an impossible standard of success in a system not designed to support us in pursuing that standard. Maybe that combination is what makes things more difficult than it ever has been?

If you’re looking for validation, real talk, encouragement and a sense of direction…stay with me.

What are the unprecedented challenges? Buckle up – let’s name them:

Start with the impact of technology on the brain development of infants and toddlers – Research is showing less developed white matter, changes in cortical thickness (outer layer of the brain), and changes in how the prefrontal cortex activates for little ones who spend significant time in front of screens. These structural changes show up in shorter attention spans, difficulty focusing, changes in language development, thinking skills, social connections and self management. Some would argue that these changes are necessary for the world these kids will live in and nothing of modern use is lost for them. If traditional forms of social interaction go by the wayside, reliance on AI thinking increases, and faster media which does not require extensive attention spans take over – are these changes a bad thing? Maybe not. However, I remain concerned about impairments in language, critical thinking, empathy, impulse control and self regulation. As kids get older, there is a strong connection between device usage and poor mental health but that does not equal causation. Device usage could simply be a proxy for something else that is the actual cause. For example, could kids be using a device more because they have less social connection and caregiver attunement? In that case, the device isn’t the problem, the isolation is. This is just a common sense illustration; I haven’t looked for research this specific. My point is, we cannot jump to hard and fast rules; we are working with a moving target when it comes to what is problematic and what is progress.
The rise of social media – We’ve all seen the reports on how social media use causes mental health difficulties in kids and teens. The connection is more than correlation, scientists have dared to suggest causation but there is still much argument on how linear the effect actually is. I can understand the power though, when we remember that comparison is the thief of joy and devices lessen empathy. We all know that social media is a “highlight reel”, meaning we are looking at other people’s best moments or enhanced versions of what actually happened. There are now easily accessible apps that will significantly change your face and body to match whatever society deems “attractive” that day. In the face of unattainable joy and physical perfection – anxiety, depression and poor body image seem inevitable. Not just for the kids…parents are not immune. Every dad and mom on social media is bombarded with versions of parenting to which they can never measure up. We know that social media companies intentionally harness the brain’s reward systems to foster addiction to their product – leaving kids and parents more connected to their devices than each other. We also recognize that the screen which separates us from the actual impact of our words on another, fosters a level of bullying and hatred we’ve never seen before. Kids/teens are actually encouraging self harm and destruction in others as part of a hatred campaign against those deemed “out”. Grown adults are targeting parents on social media with the most hateful commentary on every aspect of how they parent. Such vitriol temporarily makes the bully feel powerful and often earns them social credit with a peer group, but has led to untold deaths by suicide and all manner of troubling mental health impacts on kids, teens and parents. Even if we escape all of these issues, there is the classic “blue light” effect which disrupts our sleep and don’t get me started on the severe consequences of sleep deprivation! Beyond all this, while social media can be the start of, or supplement to, beautiful friendships – they just don’t erase loneliness the way in-person relationships do.
A sub-effect of social media is ‘sharenting’ – the rise of parents sharing their parenting journey (and thus their children) on their platforms. This perhaps started as a way to build community and create validation but quickly morphed into a money making endeavor. As this trend took off, safety concerns emerged as parents were attacked in their comments by complete strangers and children’s faces were exposed to the point they became recognizable personalities in public. Experts wondered what effect this kind of exposure, living on the internet forever, would have on kids’ development, not to mention the ways in which this trend contributes to the comparison dynamic that leaves so many parents feeling inadequate. Some have argued this is no different than family photo albums of the past, but those albums had controlled access. Unlike our connections on social media who generally can see whatever we post, regardless of their level of intimacy with us, we got to choose who we broke out the photo albums or slide shows for. Those were shared with only the people who had earned that access. As kids got older, they could have a say in that access and when parents were gone, they retained complete control over the exposure of their history.
The rise of mental illnesses – There is no question that we are seeing a greater prevalence of mental illness in our population than generations past. Greater minds than mine have not settled the debate on causes: Are we simply more aware of and able to label what has always existed at the same prevalence? Are those with mental illness living longer and thus passing on vulnerable genetic markers? Are environmental toxins or agricultural practices negatively impacting brain development? Are we seeing the epigenetic effects of generational trauma? I suspect it is a perfect storm of all of the above, versus one factor we can point to. For the every-day parent trudging through the details, causes are irrelevant. When my kid has been diagnosed with bipolar I or as a parent, my PTSD is triggered – I just need to get through the day.
Economic pressures – The cost of raising a child born in 2025 to age 18 in the USA is estimated at over $276,000!! Yes, that’s 6 digits and a comma! And what about college or trade school expenses, not to mention continued financial support in their twenties and beyond? The current yearly cost estimate of just one child is around $23,000, which if you’re doing the math, means that the final cost will be far above the 18 year estimate as pricing for housing, food, transportation, healthcare, education, etc. rises daily.
Lack of community – Our society is more fragmented than ever due to the above factors. Add to that, the mobility of parents chasing better economic settings and you have many kids being raised far from extended family. There is also a cultural dynamic, rooted in American rugged individualism that believes – your kid, your problem. We have a minimal sense of collective responsibility for the welfare of children in a practical sense. This leaves parents raising kids with higher expectations and less support than ever. Even mom or dad groups often miss the mark, as they create a place for venting and validation but not necessarily the practical, hands on assistance and mentoring that was the norm in eras past.
Minimal progress in partner division of labor – Dads who take on a decent share of cleaning, cooking and child care are still in the minority. Of those who do step up, many moms are the ones coordinating efforts and making sure that details are handled. This leaves women still carrying the greater share of unpaid housework, childcare and the mental load of running a household. The struggle is complicated for stay at home moms who are often expected to be on duty 24/7 versus the standard 40 hour work week.
Lack of self care – It isn’t rocket science to see where all of this is going: minimal time for parents to attend to their physical, social, mental and spiritual health. This leaves them ill equipped to face the “unprecedented challenges” of the day.

So, if you’ve been feeling like parenting is harder than you expected…perhaps harder than you can handle – here’s your confirmation that IT IS NOT YOU.

Society has responded to these challenges with parenting trends. Yeah. These fads all come from people genuinely trying to be helpful but in the end, they often just make us feel like failures as we try to follow the recommendations without the resources (mental, emotional, physical, or financial) to do so. Let’s look at a few:

Gentle parenting – at its core, this approach is about treating kids as actual humans with their own feelings and thoughts. It called for slowing down the discipline train and attuning to why kids are saying or doing whatever they are saying or doing. Over time, this approach took on a very permissive slant, leading to a backlash against this style. Somewhere along the way, parents missed the fact that this approach was never meant to leave kids without firm boundaries.
Safetyism – this approach places children’s safety from physical and emotional hurt above all else. Any childhood mishap or difficult emotion is the direct failure of the parent to protect. When we see the memes of the metal playground equipment, questionable foods and lack of helmets and car seats from the past, this approach makes sense. We are horrified! It’s not a far reach however, into an anxious life, lack of resilience and minimal skills for critical thinking and problem solving.
Free-range – perhaps as a backlash to safetyism, this approach gives kids autonomy, independence and freedom to explore and learn from the world around them. This was the norm for most of us Gen X folks but these days, this style often leads to judgment with parents having the police called on them for things like letting a child play alone in a backyard. One mom in GA was hauled off to jail when her nearly 11-year-old son walked unsupervised to a store that was just under a mile from their home. Mind you, he did not have her permission to do so, he was left at home while mom took a younger sibling to the doctor. There is also the reality that some parents are not mindfully cultivating autonomy – they are simply neglectful. Attunement and connection are key when fostering healthy independence.
Lighthouse parenting – this is a relatively newer term used to describe a moderate style that combines firm boundaries and emotional support while letting children figure out their own challenges. There’s no official research using this term yet, as far as I know, but the way I see it, it seems like a glow-up repackaging of ‘gentle parenting’ since that term got so completely abused and misrepresented.
Authoritarian parenting – this is the style many of us grew up with where the child is expected to meet the parents’ standards with little emotional support. Rules are to be obeyed with swift punishment for violations. Explanations are few and negotiations are not a thing. This generally results in well-behaved children but little critical thinking skill and compromised social and emotional development.

What is a modern parent to do? All of these challenges. All of these parenting styles. Every parent is different. Every child is different. There is no one right answer. What I can offer is a few guiding principles:

Above all else, tend to your own story. The greatest thing you can do to improve your parenting is to understand, process and grieve your own stuff. How we react, and how we try to teach our children is a direct result of our upbringing. We either seek to do the opposite of what we experienced (and opposite does not equal better), we fall into the unhealthy defaults of our family of origin, or we try to replicate what we had in a world that no longer supports it. Investing in the process of understanding the ways in which we were shaped by our family of origin, grieving the ways in which that process missed the mark, and then learning how to manage our reactions rooted in that story is the single most effective strategy for improving your ability to shepherd your child’s heart into adulthood.
Put your oxygen mask on first. Your children will not benefit if they have all the materials, the lifestyle and the activities but not their parents’ whole and healthy selves. Prioritize your mental, social, physical and spiritual health in your schedule. Literally, sit down and block out the time to handle these priorities. What is left goes to everything and everyone else. Does that mean maybe less extra curricular activities or less possessions for your kids? Yes (for most households), but this less is more because what your children gain is so much more valuable: self regulated parents who are able to attune to their thoughts and feelings, respond to their emotional needs, engage them as little people, hold space for their difficult emotions and repair the relationship when they make mistakes (as all parents do).
Focus on the outcome. The ultimate goal in parenting is for your kids to be seen and valued by you and to know that you are committed to their highest good, even if you have to make them unhappy. Everything else – character, values, skills…flows from that foundation. Your relationship with them matters more than their accomplishments or obedience. Not a, “my kids like me and think I’m great” kind of relationship. Sure…we’ll have those days which are really nice. No. I mean a deeper relationship, rooted in stability and security. One that values the dignity and worth of each person, takes joy in the other and recognizes the responsibility the parent has to make wise decisions, even if they are not popular.

These three principles transcend any parenting fad. They provide anchors in the stormy seas that keep us from drifting off with every wave. In the midst of whatever parenting situation you face today you can slow down to ask:

What is being triggered for me in this situation?
How can I take a pause to self regulate, eat, connect with someone who can help my perspective or get some rest before I make a decision?
What can I say or do in this moment to ensure my child feels heard, seen and valued?

These questions may seem simple in the face of complex issues but I absolutely promise they will take you in the right direction. Read the books, listen to the podcasts, peruse the trends of the day but when you keep returning to these principles and these questions, you will find your way.

Filed Under: Emotional Health, Family, Mental Health, Parenting Tagged With: Children, Parenting, Parents

Summer Dreams

June 21, 2025 by Justin Cunard

Do you consistently find yourself in the fall asking where summer went?

Do you often need a vacation to recover from your vacation?

Lush greenery in the background, beach sand in the foreground with scrabble letters stood up in the sand spelling SUMMER.

Summer…ahhh yes…time for a deep breath. Maybe you envision your toes in the sand and waves crashing in the background or maybe a trip into the mountains. Summer is typically a time where people travel, schedules change, and we head to the beach. This season can be a time of looking forward to a break after a long stretch from the holiday season. We go in with the best of intentions, but it can become just another stressful season if we do not slow down to check in with ourselves.

A speed bump question I would like to put in your path: is there too much pressure on your Summer?

One of the things we have seen with others and frankly ourselves, at times, is that we can put too much pressure on these trips or we pack too much into the Summer season. We end up getting back from a trip and we never really get the benefits of the break. We pressurize these trips to be this all-encompassing event to give us rest, bolster our physical, emotional, and spiritual tanks, and oh yea…have fun. Just writing that makes me feel a bit stressed. The beach trip now has these expectations and these pressures can be projected onto fellow travelers. Expectations are also kindling for resentments to burn. Ah! Who wants that?! We are doing this for fun and to cut loose remember?!

A suggestion is that instead of the usual family trip that happens every July to the same place, maybe a conversation needs to happen with the family to ask: “Hey do we still want to make this trip? Is this still relevant to the season we are in or are we just making ourselves do this for tradition’s sake?” Maybe you decide to keep the same trip, but instead of staying with family you choose to rent somewhere nearby to make sure you have down time. Sometimes we do not need wholesale changes, but adjustments to the travel/schedule plans.

This may not come as a shock to those of you who know me, but my suggestion is to slow down. Check in. What is it that you actually need in this season? What is refreshing to you? How does fun and adventure fit into this? If you are a believer in God, check in with Him as to what He has for you in this Summer season. Remove the pressure of: it is all up to me.

A good podcast for entering the Summer season is: John Eldredge’s Wild at Heart podcast episode 823 The Secret To Summer.

Filed Under: Emotional Health, Family Tagged With: Life Seasons, Mindfulness, Self Care, Summer

Couples Therapy

March 23, 2022 by Andrea

Are you wondering if your relationship would benefit from therapy?

Trouble in relationships is not uncommon. The pressures of the last couple of years, on top of the usual conflicts in any relationship, have sent many couples in search of assistance to address concerns. Thankfully, the research on couples’ counseling shows much greater satisfaction with the assistance received these days versus just a few decades ago. Add to that, a declining divorce rate in the US over the last decade, and we have a much more hopeful picture for relationships than we are generally led to believe.

Here at Phenix, we approach couples’ work differently than most practices. We have many reasons for our approach:

1)Our mission focuses on deep transformation, not just problem-solving. Studies show that couples can gain vital relationship skills and work on their group dynamic fairly quickly when attending therapy together – leading to increased satisfaction and less conflict. However, what we are finding is that over time – unresolved issues within the individuals cause the couple to slip back into dysfunctional patterns, leaving them feeling hopeless and frustrated.

2) A major concern in the field of marriage and family counseling is the issue of abusive relationships. Ethics codes for all types of therapists have been clarified in recent years to explicitly discourage couples’ therapy with relationships that include domestic violence. Unfortunately, when couples attend sessions together, it can be difficult to detect and/or safely confront domestic violence, leaving the therapist contributing to the dangerous situation!

3) Research from John Gottman tells us the average couple waits six years after trouble begins to seek counseling. When there is such significant lag time between onset and therapy, relational safety is most likely compromised, making openness and honesty in the therapy space together extremely difficult. Dysfunctional habits can be so deeply ingrained that sessions become focused on simply refereeing these damaging behaviors versus the deep transformation required to create a healthy, connected relationship. So often, we have sat with individuals wounded by past trauma or whose childhoods were devoid of relational role models, leaving them ill equipped to build a healthy relationship despite the best of intentions. Imagine two electricians showing up to install an electrical system in a new build but they are missing their tools. They have the skill and the knowledge – as soon as they get the proper tools, they’re ready to accomplish the goal. Now imagine two well-meaning souls showing up to a job site for the same task when they’ve never been trained or they have a traumatic history with electricity that has not been adequately addressed. Each person would need to attend specialized training and obtain supervised experience in order to come together to get the job done.

Overall, we have come to discover that the most efficient approach which fits our transformative style is to work with each person individually first before moving into couples’ work. We address the underlying dynamics that attracted each person to the relational style they are in as well as the root issues which keep them participating (actively or passively) in the dysfunctional dance that brought them to therapy. It’s both partners taking ownership and doing the hard work of unpacking their story, grieving their losses, building their loving adult selves and acquiring the needed relational tools, to build the deeply fulfilling relationship they long for.

Not everyone wants that. Some are perfectly happy with learning how to reduce conflict and maintain a mutually beneficial life partnership that does not demand excessive levels of vulnerability and intimacy. That is a perfectly viable option! Once you know what outcome you want, you can make an informed choice of therapist.

Now that you understand the options, if you are interested in the path of personal transformation that leads to deeply connected and fulfilling relationship, you’re in the right place. Individuals can each work with the same therapist or with different therapists in the practice. Confidentiality is maintained in this initial stage for each individual. Along the way, sessions may occasionally involve both parties when a partner is beneficial to addressing an individual’s growth. At a collaboratively decided point, individuals are ready to transition to couple-focused work. They will be given full disclosure of the changes in therapeutic relationship (primarily the switch from individual confidentiality to shared confidentiality) so that they can make decisions about therapy which feel most comfortable to them.

In any case, it all starts with a free consult to ensure that we are the best fit for your needs so contact us today to get started!

Filed Under: Emotional Health, Family, Relationships Tagged With: Counseling, Hope, Psychotherapy, Relationships, Therapy, Transformation

Parenting Challenges

January 31, 2022 by Andrea

Are you worried about your child/teen? Has their behavior changed? Have they withdrawn from the family or even their peers?

Unfortunately, there is no shortage of stressors for kids and teens today – a sampling includes:

An overburdened school system inadequate to meet the individual needs of each child.
Declining empathy skills leading to ever-intensifying forms of bullying.
Family changes: divorce, separation, blended families.
Chronic illness within the family.
Too many activities.
Unstable living situations – frequent moves or school changes.
Negative self concept in comparison to social media.
Confusing messages about identity development.

It is no surprise then, that the National Alliance on Mental Illness reports that 1 in 6 U.S. youth aged 6-17 experience a mental health disorder each year. Suicide is the 2nd leading cause of death among people aged 10-34. But here is the most important fact for parents to pay attention to: the majority of people who die by suicide did not have a known mental health condition! The truth is – if you are human, you will face mental health difficulties at some point. It is no different than our physical health – none of us reach the end without experiencing some form of illness in our lifetimes, even if it is just a cold. What makes us think mental health is any different? We must honestly assess ourselves and our children for signs of mental/emotional distress.

There are two pillars which ground our work at Phenix when taking on a teen or child client:

Pillar 1 – Life gets hard for all of us at some point so therapy is a vital component of health care – no different than the dentist or the pediatrician. Our children and teens are facing a world for which we adults have few answers. The pressures they face are alien to our experiences. Our parents raised us under completely different circumstances so they may not understand the challenges you deal with as a parent. If you are feeling isolated and confused in your parenting journey – you are not alone!

Pillar 2 – If you are familiar with Phenix, then you know that we work from a relational theoretical orientation: we believe that the problems we face are always rooted in relationship – relationship with self and others. Relationship is the context within which healing takes place. Even when working with adult individuals, we are always mindful of that person’s primary relationships and how they may be affected by the work we are doing in therapy. All the more relevant is this principle when working with an underage client who is literally dependent upon adults for most aspects of their lives.

Based on these two pillars, we have a unique policy when taking on a child/teen client: We will not work with just the child. If a parent wants to bring their child or teen to Phenix for help, then at least one caregiver must be willing to engage their own therapy as well. This is not rooted in blame – very often, the challenges that kids face have external sources. However, a child’s mental health correlates with the parents’. As leaders in the family, in control of all available resources, parents hold all the power to facilitate health in the home. Our relational approach does not align with “dropping” a child off for therapy and expecting significant change without parental involvement. We expect that at least one primary caregiver (preferably all) will engage an individual process of examining their own biases, beliefs, coping tools and relational style – working toward the deep, transformative change that realigns the very atmosphere in the home. This kind of work often uncovers past hurts and traumas which would be inappropriate to address in family sessions. Additionally, the struggles and pains of parenting often trigger underlying personal issues. We provide a safe space for parents to receive the confidential support they so richly deserve!

With multiple therapists in the practice – parents can choose their own therapist for their individual work, or they can work with the same therapist as their child/teen. In all cases, parent therapy is confidential and we ask parents to allow us a level of privacy with the child/teen for their individual sessions. We must establish a trust-based working alliance with the teen/child if they are to open up in therapy. Of course, we address any issues of harm with parents. We work with the parent/s and child to design a rotation of individual and family sessions that fit schedules and financial resources. The plan makes room for working with each individual on their own therapeutic goals, as well as parent coaching sessions and family sessions where communal issues are addressed. If at all possible, we look for ways to include siblings in the process, as they often have helpful perspectives and need to build buy-in to whatever changes are taking place in the family system. Holding space for individual confidentiality and family work is a complex skill that not every therapist is comfortable with. We are well aware of the complexity of this approach and continually assess our bracketing skills and therapeutic methods – watching for situations where the dynamics require the parent work with a therapist outside our practice.

Some parents bring their child or teen to therapy because they are already working with their own therapist and want similar benefits for their child. That is always exciting, as the parent is already on the path to personal transformation! In that case, we establish a release of information between our practice and their therapist so that observations can be shared with the parent’s therapist and collaboration can occur between therapists for more effective parent coaching & family sessions here at Phenix.

If a teen client is aged 17 when they begin therapy with us, we do not follow this process automatically. We obtain feedback from the teen client regarding how much involvement they want parents to have, encouraging them to identify issues their parent/s could work on in therapy.

We believe that play is the language of childhood, so we utilize creative activities when working with kids. However, there are limitations to online play, so we generally do not work with younger children. We have no age requirement – every child is different so we collaboratively determine what will work when we conduct the free consult initial session. Clearly, our process demands a high level of commitment. This aligns with our mission for transformation, rebirth and purpose which is never available without commitment. There is a place for acute problem-solving approaches in certain seasons of life so we are not the practice for every family and that is completely fine. That said – if your family is ready to dig in to a process of lifelong transformation; if you are ready to break generational traumas; if you are ready to walk in purpose – reach out to us via call, text, email or the contact form here on the website!

Filed Under: Family, Parenting Tagged With: Children, Counseling, Psychotherapy, Therapy, Transformation

Surviving the Holidays: Parent Edition

December 20, 2021 by Andrea

Welcome parents!

This holiday survival guide is specifically for you, as the stressors you experience are unique. You not only are trying to take care of yourself during this time, but of all the children and extended family who are home for the holidays. So before we begin, let us take a moment to breathe. Deep inhale in, long exhale out.

Reality is, with how much stress some parents feel, moments like that are too rare.

As we dive into this blog post, I want to provide a framework for how to view this season. To start with:

You are not powerless.

So often, we assume that the holidays = stress and that this stress is just something that will take over the holidays like normal.

False.

You were not designed to be overcome by stress every holiday season. You have been placed in a position of leadership and counsel. Stress cannot overcome you if you do not allow it, because you are not powerless.

We also have to pair this knowledge with the fact that we cannot control others.

So if that one family member decides to start their usual drama and you find yourself in the bathroom wondering how you will get through the following weeks, remember this:

You don’t have to attend every fight you are invited to.

If they choose to start up their own emotional rollercoaster in the living room, you don’t have to get on. They don’t get to have that kind of power.

This is a great time to then practice the deep breathing (longer exhale) and take a moment to slow down. This time of slowing down gives your brain a moment to think about how you would like to respond in a way that represents your character and integrity. How to say what you want to say wrapped in love, while also setting a firm boundary that you are willing to protect.

…

Now that we have the framework set, let’s dive in to three main guideposts for this season. Remember, the goal is to thrive, not just survive.

Guidepost 1: You are a human being, not human doing.

Yes, it’s kind of cheesy, I know, but it’s so true. I forget where I first heard it from but it gave me pause when I heard it. I was shocked how much of my life actually fit the “human doing” phrase better.

At Phenix, we are reading a book called Soul Custody this holiday season. The author, Stephen Smith says this on page 18, “The Chinese have two characteristics for the English word ‘busyness’, which they define as ‘heart annihilation’.” The Chinese definitely have a different perspective on busyness than the American culture does. However, I think they have a point. When we are overly busy, we miss so much.

So here is the challenge question: is your holiday season too busy?

If you notice that it is, what can you adjust or change entirely?

Guidepost 2: Take care of yourself

Part of the role of parenting is caring for others. However, in order to rebuild, you also have to take care of you. This looks different for everyone, but it has to be incorporated at some point. If not, our bodies usually take over and we are forced to rest.

In the same book as mentioned before, Stephen discusses how “the word ‘care’ has its roots in a Latin word that means ‘cure’.” (p. 17)

If we listen to that connection, then caring for our souls becomes a necessity.

This time of caring for yourself has to be intentional, especially as a parent. What would it look like to incorporate small things that bring you joy throughout the day? (yes, cookies count) What would it look like to intentionally do something that makes you smile?

This doesn’t have to mean bubble baths and face masks, as mainstream media typically depicts self care.

No, soul care is different.

Soul care is realizing you are more than just a body that is expected to perform. You are a person, someone with worth and value. Someone with dreams and goals.

Soul care is realizing that living a life where you feel depleted all of the time is absolutely miserable, and you don’t have to live like that.

My encouragement for you this season is to find time to rest, to regroup. Incorporate things that bring you joy.

Guidepost 3: Know you are not alone.

No matter how you choose to celebrate the holidays, please remember this guidepost.

Some families right now are having their first Christmas without loved ones due to covid or other illnesses.

Some parents have recently gone through a divorce or separation, and this is their first holiday season without their partner present.

This season may come with mixed feelings. You don’t have to shove those down or repress them.

If you feel like they are about to overwhelm you, like the grief is too deep to wade through, remember you are not alone.

Grief, and emotions, are like waves (as our director, Andrea, points out). There will be times that the waves feel like they are swallowing you whole. Other times, they will lap at your ankles. However, the waves do recede.

When you feel like a big wave is hitting, here are a few things you can do: talk to a friend, journal, draw, or do something with your hands (working on a car, gardening, cleaning) while you process. You are not powerless here.

…

Thank you for tuning in to our holiday guideposts!

I hope you all have a wonderful holiday season and a happy new year.

See you in 2022!

Filed Under: Emotional Health, Family, Mental Health, Relationships Tagged With: Coping Skills, Counseling, Grief, Holistic health, Hope, Relationships, Self Care, Self Knowledge, Self Love, Therapy

How to Survive the Holidays Part 2

November 29, 2021 by Andrea

Welcome back to our holiday survival guide!

Last week, we explored how gaining awareness of ourselves and those around us is crucial in not only surviving the holidays, but thriving.

This week, we explore the next three guideposts in surviving the holidays.

Guidepost 3: Time to evaluate

There are two main questions for this guidepost:

Was this Thanksgiving break a time of relaxation and reprieve (or did work become the escape)?

Overall, what do you want your holidays to look like?

Both are great questions as we continue to dive into a holiday experience that brings rejuvenation, rest, and joy. I encourage you to journal or talk to a close friend about your answers here. Take some time and really explore them.

Thanksgiving was probably a good precursor to how the Christmas holidays will go. If it resulted in higher stress for you, this is the perfect time to evaluate what you would like to do for December. How you spend the time during the holidays matters. For many, this is one of the only breaks from work or school that they will receive all year. It is vital that there are some moments of rest.

Which leads me to the next guidepost…

Guidepost 4: Know yourself and what you need

Here are your two main questions for this guidepost:

How do you recharge during your time off?

What can you add in during the holiday time to assist with that?

Again, Thanksgiving can be a great learning experience. If you felt burnt out or exhausted after this holiday, then you now have the opportunity and time to evaluate. How can you be creative during this upcoming Christmas vacation to add in moments of recharge and rest?

For the clients I work with, I encourage them to add in moments that incorporate their senses, inner child, and relationships. Let me explain. Your five senses are used daily to experience the world around you. Each of us have things that we love to experience, whether that be through taste, sight, sound, smell, or touch. Adding in moments on a daily basis that bring you joy is so vital to thriving in this life. During the holidays, I know that a walk outside does wonders for my mood and stress levels. I love to hear the birds in the morning and spend time in nature. It helps me focus. For others, it is the feeling of a warm blanket wrapped around them with hot cocoa.

This then also plays into your inner child. We are all passionate about different things. Incorporate those things this Christmas! Allow your creativity and playfulness to emerge. This can be through decorating the house, getting crafty, or implementing hobbies you enjoy (like baking cookies).

For moments that incorporate relationships, spend time with those around you who build into you, encourage you, and see you for who you are. These are the life giving moments that can happen as you take a walk with a friend, share a good meal with someone, or grab a cup of coffee since it’s freezing out. (Yes, I was born and raised in Florida. I get cold when a breeze blows.)

I would also encourage you to spend time with yourself. This is a relationship that is often neglected but so vital. Take a walk, read a good book, enjoy some yoga, build something new, or tear apart a car. This alone time is also recharging and necessary, just like the relational time with others is.

And lastly…

Guidepost 5: No.

It’s a complete sentence. You are allowed to say it, especially if an environment, outing, or family member has been shown to be unsafe.

You are not obligated to attend any gathering or talk to every family member.

I know that this goes against so many things you have been told and is uncomfortable to even acknowledge. However, part of thriving during the holiday season is realizing that you can protect yourself, even here. You are worth protecting. (Read that sentence again.) You do not need to relive the childhood trauma you endured because the person who hurt you decided they want you to come for Christmas dinner.

No is a complete sentence.

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Thanks for joining me on the guideposts to surviving the holiday season.

If you have any other guideposts you would like mentioned or broken down, leave a comment below and I’ll add them into the next post.

I hope you all have a wonderful holiday season!

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Filed Under: Emotional Health, Family, Mental Health, Relationships Tagged With: Boundaries, Coping Skills, Counseling, Holistic health, Life Seasons, Relationships, Self Care, Self Esteem, Self Knowledge, Self Love, Therapy, Transformation

How to Survive the Holidays (and not end up in jail) Part 1

November 22, 2021 by Andrea

Welcome one and all to our guide on surviving the holidays! (Part 1)

If you are one of those rare individuals who do not have family drama, conflict, or a long lost relative that chooses to reappear during the holiday season, that’s wonderful. For the majority of the population, the holidays seem to bring something out of those around us that we did not know was there (or that we desperately wanted to forget). Join me as we dive into not only how to survive this holiday season, but thrive. Now, thriving might still look like booking multiple therapy sessions come January, but no jail time is a win.

Guidepost 1: Gaining awareness

For those of you who have been in therapy at Phenix or have seen any of the Justin and Caitlin show (which will be returning for a season 2 btw), you have likely heard of the term “inner child”. For those of you who have not heard of this yet, our “inner child” is a part of us that represents our child self. The child self, when integrated, brings with it joy, spirituality, curiosity, and playfulness.

In general, our inner child loves to idealize situations and people, especially our family. It is an honest and vulnerable part of us that desperately wants our parents’ love, affirmation, and acceptance. For many people, their parents were either unable or unwilling to provide one of those qualities. The holidays then become the perfect time for the inner child to jump on the idealization train and hope that this year will be different. This is why the first step of surviving the holidays is gaining awareness of this tendency from little you.

There’s nothing morally or inherently wrong with wanting your family’s love and acceptance. We are wired for connection and the foundational connection we crave is from our parents. However, if we continue to idealize the family members every year, we are setting ourselves up for disappointment.

Which leads me to my next guidepost…

Guidepost 2: Gain awareness (of others)

I truly believe people can heal and relationships can be redeemed. With that belief, also comes a hearty dose of reality. Healthy relationships take authenticity and vulnerability, which requires a healthy amount of self awareness and desire to grow from each individual. Unfortunately, many families do not have relationships with each other that would be described as authentic and vulnerable. Gaining awareness of family patterns and dynamics will be vital. Here are some questions to ask:

How do the family members typically react to one another?

Is there a certain family member who consistently creates drama during the holidays?

Who becomes more stressed as Thanksgiving and Christmas inch closer? Why?

Who in the family is safe and healthy to talk to?

Who models authenticity and vulnerability?

How is the communication level? Do family members actually talk things out peacefully, or are problems avoided until a blow up occurs? (if it ever occurs)

People typically behave in the same patterns until significant work has been done to change and heal. Depending on what you have seen from holidays past, it is a safe bet to assume this holiday will be similar.

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Now that we have a place from which to begin, join me next week as we discuss the action steps you can take to take care of yourself during this time.

Filed Under: Emotional Health, Family, Mental Health, Relationships Tagged With: Counseling, Holistic health, Hope, Life Seasons, Relationships, Self Care, Self Love, Therapy, Transformation

Confessions of a Counselor Part 1

November 8, 2021 by Justin Cunard

Have you ever wondered what some of the hidden benefits or struggles are with therapy? Have you ever wondered how you came into therapy wanting to reduce anxiety, and a few months later you are grieving losses from your childhood, and seeing the world differently? You see, here at Phenix, we have a strong belief in transformational work, which is why you see the word ‘transformation’ on our website and all our social media accounts. We firmly believe in the process of long-term sustainable growth and change. Not saying there is anything wrong with solution focused approaches, but generally it is not our cup of tea. Within the deconstruction and reconstruction phases of therapy, there are goals put in place by the client. In our field we call this the treatment plan. The treatment plan becomes the flight path for the focus of therapy, but other benefits and challenges come along the way.

So, onto Confession #1

There comes a point in therapy where there is a point of no return. Not that you are forced to continue the process or that you must complete some mandatory journey, rather that your eyes and mind are now more aware than ever. You cannot unsee what you’ve already seen. You cannot unknow what you now know. The joy, pain, and sadness in the world will hit you in new ways and in ways you never thought about. Just because you stop therapy does not mean the new insights stop.

Since we are heading into the holiday season, let’s use the holidays as the scenery for this first confession. Maybe in years past you have joined your family for Thanksgiving dinner or Christmas Eve adventures, but you never were able to recognize the maladaptive behaviors and functioning of your family of origin like you do now. Maybe you begin to see and sense the sadness in your brother or mom’s eyes, even though they mask it with a smile on their face. These are the things you can no longer unsee and unfeel. Sorry. What you become aware of now causes the brain to create new neural pathways and it becomes a daily part of the ‘scanning’ your mind does.

It is like the old cliche’ car salespeople use when you are on the lot looking to buy a car from them. They usually say something like this, “You’re gonna be seeing a lot of these on the road.” Yea, that’s because they know your mind is now wired to be looking for the same new car/SUV as you wander down the highway. The car/SUV was always there roaming the roads with you, but they never stuck out to you because your mind never had a reason to cause it to come to your consciousness. Now it does. Has this ever happened to you? Where you went to the Ford dealership to check out a Mustang and now you see every new Ford Mustang on the ride to work. You cannot unsee the Mustangs….they’re everywhere ha.

Again, my apologies… sorta. Awareness is a part of the journey. Gaining awareness and insight into your functioning is amazing. It gives you the power and control back in your life to begin choosing new ways of responding, behaving, etc. The more you become aware of, the more you can change. The more you realize you can change, the more hope you have of a brighter future, and after the last couple years, I think some extra hope is a good thing. Join me next week for confession #2.

Filed Under: Emotional Health, Family, Mental Health, Relationships Tagged With: Counseling, Hope, Identity, Life Seasons, Mindfulness, Psychotherapy, Relationships, Self Knowledge, Therapy, Transformation

All Consuming Loneliness

August 4, 2021 by Andrea

I originally had a different blog post planned, one with a great picture of one of my cats.

Then I met with individuals this week and heard what they had to say.

With COVID revamping, and just the daily stressors of being an adult in the 21st century in America, there was this pattern of loneliness.

Not just the “oh I’m bored and no one is available to hang out”. The “nights keep getting darker, I am depleted, alone, and losing hope” type of loneliness.

Here’s the kicker: no one that mentioned this loneliness is trying to avoid people or relationships. Sure there has been previous relational wounding (we’ve all dealt with that), but they are actively doing the work to heal. The struggle is we are never taught as children how to actually build friendships or a support system.

We go to school and find friends in class, surrounded by 20 other kids. Then middle and high school happens, and we follow the same pattern. Then college. Same pattern.

Suddenly we graduate. Once the happiness of never writing another paper fades away, we find that we have no idea where to go to find friendships, especially if we don’t have the people at work or don’t want to view work as the only outlet.

We try getting involved with different activities and hobbies. Even then, we can feel lost in how to form a friendship with someone where there is authenticity, vulnerability, accountability, security, consistency, and trust. (And honestly, do we even know what those qualities look like in a friendship…I have definitely had plenty of relationships that did not include all of those qualities.)

In 4 weeks, the Justin and Caitlin show will return to walk through what forming relationships looks like. We will spend time unpacking this and talking about the real struggles in today’s culture of building lasting friendships. I will also be writing blog posts detailing different aspects.

For the first blog post, I will leave you with this: You are not alone.

The struggle of finding healthy people to begin relationships with and how to even do that is not something that everyone else knows how to do besides you. It is something that we all have to learn, especially as adults. So the critical thoughts that begin attacking you, saying that something is wrong with you or that you are alone for a reason, now have a reason to be silenced. It is possible to heal from previous relational wounding that causes you to isolate from others. It is possible to find others that desire deeper friendships, authentic relationships. Over the next few months, we will walk through this. Together.

Filed Under: Family, Relationships