Frustrated that you can’t seem to balance work demands with your personal life?
Wondering how your job affects your mental health?
Before we get into the details of our personal work-life relationships, let’s look at the bigger picture. Every society has a philosophy about human rights and work. The continuum stretches from having to earn every scrap of dignity and provision, all the way to a focus on each person contributing to the greater good with dignity assumed and provision a byproduct of impact on the community. Where does your society fall on this continuum?
At its core – work is always about economics, whether scrapping to pay basic bills, or managing/preserving great wealth. It is impossible to talk about work without awareness of economic systems. Capitalism demands continuous expansion in order to operate so every person must contribute through both productivity and consumerism, making rest a liability. The machine has to be fed 24/7. This is our context if we live in the US, which significantly shapes our career experience.
That larger context can trickle down into our family of origin, creating more specific messaging like, “you are only as worthwhile as your ability to meet everyone’s needs”; “if you don’t behave the way we need you to, we can treat you any way we like”; “you better earn your keep around here, nobody gets a free ride”; “if you are struggling, you must have done something wrong so you don’t deserve help”; “only weak people need help”; or “you better look out only for yourself”, to name a few…
So how does work interact with our personal lives?
Body
When we purchase a new electronic item, the first thing we have to do is ensure that it is charged before we can use it or we must plug it in to a power source. This simple dynamic is a perfect example of how our bodies function: we need fuel (rest and food) before we can function. Yet…we don’t act like that is true. How many of us work first and rest later? How many of us produce first and take in fuel later? We act as if we have to earn rest and food instead of recognizing that we cannot produce without first fueling up. Sound familiar? There’s the context I mentioned – it’s the water we’re swimming in.
Putting the cart before the horse – demanding production before fuel – places enormous stress on the body and where does that lead? Heart problems, digestive issues, weakened immune system and a host of other physical ailments.
Pause: Reflect on your physical health. Have you been experiencing headaches, muscle tension, fatigue, sleep problems, chronic pain or any of the other consequences of stress? If so, could your work be a source of the problem? Your focus is simply on awareness at this stage.
Soul
When I ask clients about their relationship with work, I often get a baffled look. Relationship? What do you mean? I’m referring to the way in which we relate to our work. How do we feel about it? What purpose does it serve in our lives? Is it a life giving part of our world or is it soul draining? These dynamics and more, comprise the relationship we have with our job and life experiences largely dictate this relationship. Have you experienced poverty? That can either drive over commitment to work or can wire the brain into a ‘poverty mindset’ that expects a low-paying existence. Did your primary caregivers show you that relying on others was not a good idea? Work can become the tool we use to ensure our independence, keeping us too busy for the entanglement of relationships. If love in our family of origin was only offered when there was achievement and productivity…well, we carry this mindset into our careers – making ‘success’ our holy grail. On the other hand, exposure to work as contributing to society, carried out with healthy boundaries and functional teams can set expectations for a fulfilling career that does not harm every other area of our life.
Another important dynamic is being the member of a marginalized group in our society. This presents relentless challenges in the workplace from microaggressions to outright discrimination. Being perceived as less than most days, takes a tremendous toll on one’s mental health and having to work twice as hard to disprove negative assumptions erodes not only emotional health but physical health as well. Add in the gaslighting of those who would try to say that these challenges do not exist – and you have a recipe for breakdown. The few who rise above these challenges are held up as the standard rather than the exception, and used as an excuse to ignore the very real obstacles that the rest face.
Most of us spend at least thirty six percent of our waking hours working! There is no way that work does not affect our thoughts, feelings and behaviors across the board. The fact is that our relationship with work, when unhealthy, can lead to anxiety, depression, mood swings, irritability, difficulty concentrating, impaired cognitive functioning, and substance abuse. Yes, our soul health is set up by our childhood years but work is a major proving ground for those foundational dynamics. Our work makes or breaks generational trends.
Pause: Reflect on your soul health. Does work intrude on your relationships? Do you feel guilty when you’re not working? Do you rarely have time for fun outside of work? Are you realizing a lot of your stress and anxiety is work-related? Take note of what you are seeing here.
Spirit
In faith communities, there is often conversation around one’s calling – the thing we were created to do. Ideally, choosing our work within the context of relationship to a Higher Power should lead to a career that honors our natural giftings and offers a sense of purpose and fulfillment. That relational foundation also becomes another source of fuel for the work we do.
There are two major threats to this ideal: 1) the reality of economic systems which care little for purpose or fulfillment and 2) the entangling of calling with worth. There is a special kind of misery for those who have a clear sense of calling but who find themselves in an unrelated job due to economic pressure. That discrepancy gnaws at the soul. Calls to simply “have faith” and take the leap toward what we are meant to do are easily lobbed from the sidelines…from those who will not bear the economic consequence. Even if we are working in our calling, our job can easily become the thing that pays our bills more than a faith offering. Then there is the trap of earning favor with our Higher Power through working “as unto the Lord”. Rather than the gift we were built to give the world, work becomes the way we prove our devotion
A few years ago, I harbored a lot of concerns about our business and its economic viability. We had chosen to operate in ways contrary to the usual business practices in our field, based on directives we believed came from God. We had a calling to build a practice of integrity, freedom and depth which does not align with the financial realities of healthcare in the US. As I engaged ongoing conversation with God about this, I distinctly heard this truth: “Your provision does not come from the work you do. Your provision comes from Me (God). You don’t work to pay your bills. You work to build my kingdom as I direct you.” While I would have always said God was my provider, I promise you, that is not how I approached my work. If I am honest about what I subconsciously believed, paying my bills was entirely up to me and the work I was willing to put in. Clearly, this means I applied the same idea to my husband as we are in this together. God helps those who help themselves…amiright? (insert eye roll here) That word from God was a lightning bolt! It aligned with what I would have claimed to believe but I had never considered such a plain and clear summary and I certainly had not been thinking or acting out of that truth.
Pause: If you ascribe to a particular spirituality, what is its view of work? Have you ever considered what you were created to contribute to the world? Do you have a sense of purpose and fulfillment in your work? Do you believe your job aligns with your calling? What do you truly believe about the source of provision for your needs?
So where do we go from here? I stopped using the word “balance” with this topic because that has come to represent an unrealistic pressure to give everything in life an even amount of attention. That isn’t realistic. The word I use instead is “harmony” which asks the questions: Is my work bringing more positive to my personal life than negative? Is my personal life bringing more positive to my work life than negative? This post has majored on awareness and it is my hope that you now have clarity about aspects of your career that you may never have considered.
Your next step is to use your awareness to make a plan. Where are there gaps between what you see and the goal of work-life harmony? Identify these discrepancies and then generate a list of ideas for addressing each one. Brainstorm with others who are further along in their journey of harmonizing. Remember to think short term and long term. Some gaps cannot be closed in a year but that does not mean you should abandon the mission. Keep a separate list of options – short term strategies that respect your current limitations and long term objectives that break out of current boxes and move you toward the ideal. You can then back up from those long term goals to identify small steps you will take now to start moving in the right direction. We overestimate what we can do in the short term but we underestimate what we can change over time! Then it is time to take action – start taking those baby steps. Don’t be afraid to ask for help and reach out to us if you want to unpack the childhood messages that drive your career.
We have a LinkedIn profile where we want to continue this conversation about work-life harmony. What questions do you have? What would you like to hear more about? Comment below!
