Living on the other side

August 2, 2022 by Andrea

Wondering what it takes to actually live the life you’ve dreamed of?

What do you need to know before you take the leap into living your life differently?

The promised land, where your new story begins…

I have written here about the general arc of therapy we follow. We have offered tips for maximizing each stage of therapy and we have written specifically about Phase Two – the grieving process. Today, I want to write about the final phase of therapy – activating the true self you have discovered and walking in your new story.

I have referred to the grieving phase as “the land between”, but embarking on this final phase of therapy is also a transitional season in a different way: A twilight zone between what you have deconstructed and completion of what you are constructing. Anyone who has had a house built understands that it is a PROCESS! One of fits and starts…which may find you living in temporary digs until the new house is ready. Despite the best blueprints, some things just can’t be understood until you see the pieces in place and you may realize, that’s not what I thought it would be. Back to the drawing board you go to choose a different faucet or refrigerator. The whole thing takes time with all sorts of surprise obstacles, but perseverance leaves you with the home of your dreams.

Moving from one house to another always illuminates your possessions in a fresh way, causing you to question why on earth you’ve kept certain things all these years. Some beloved objects have to be released because they simply will not function or fit in the new home. If you are living in temporary quarters, you are surrounded by the chaos of missing vital belongings that are in storage and not being able to permanently settle what you were able to keep with you. Likewise, here are the discomforts that come with leaving behind the life you deconstructed:

Most of the relationships you had before therapy were chosen from the adaptive self you are shedding. Hanging out with friends will often leave you wondering why on earth you tolerated the behaviors, talk and ways of thinking that you now see with clearer eyes. You may find yourself regularly irritated by family members who operate out of the dysfunctional patterns you now recognize. Bitterness and resentment become dragons requiring daily battle.
These folks from your old life are used to the adaptive self you crafted and may not know what to do with who you are becoming. They may not even like your true self, especially if you are no longer willing to offer what they used to get from you! That rejection truly stings…
This season of therapy can be very lonely as you find yourself distancing from those who operate under your old rules, but you have not yet built healthy replacement relationships. It can be incredibly tempting to return to aspects of the old adaptive self in the face of this loneliness. Some fade out of the therapy process at this point but they cannot unknow what they have learned, making their compromise existence a cruel game.
You may realize the job or career you are in is not a good fit for you. Perhaps your job is actually a toxic environment. Maybe the career field you spent thousands of dollars to prepare for will never align with what you now understand to be your strengths and what brings you fulfillment and joy. Again, the decisions you made about work came from the adaptive self you are retiring, leaving you in a situation that is no longer workable.
The old adaptive self is one you mastered. You know how it works. Saying no to the familiar is extremely difficult.

Living in transition and setting up your new “home” comes with many challenges. Temporarily crashing in someone else’s space is inconvenient, humbling and disorderly. Even after you’ve moved to your new place, there’s usually a stage of, “I’ve made a terrible mistake – why did I move here?” before you start meeting neighbors and finding new favorite restaurants and local activities to love. It’s the same when the rubber of therapy meets the road of life:

The new ways of thinking and behaving that will take you in the direction you want to go will feel awkward and clumsy. Very quickly, you begin to wonder if you can really pull this new story off as you move toward new friendships, romance, faith, calling, etc.
When our brains have been normed to the stimulation of dysfunctional life patterns, healthy people and activities will feel boring at best, downright unattractive at worst. It takes time to rewire the brain to enjoy this new existence.
You must retrain the people in your life, how to interact with you. This takes work and will not likely be well received. Conflicts will arise. A few will make it through this process, many will fade away or depart in a fiery blaze. Are we willing to let go of those who cannot steward well, who we are becoming?
For all of these reasons, embracing the true self is terrifying. Offering a committed “YES” to that which is true of you demands Courage with a capital C. Remember, courage is not the absence of fear, it is feeling the fear and moving forward anyway. That is the very definition of Phase Three therapy at Phenix!

Many people assume that once they have done the work of deconstruction and grieving, they need only find healthy people who have also done their work and relationships will be easy-peasy. Unfortunately, that is not the case at all. Healthy relationships between mature individuals take work but I can promise that it is fulfilling work. Forcing dysfunctional relationships to run is devastating work. I don’t know about you, but I’d much rather do the fulfilling work of assessing acquaintances for core relational competencies, learning and teaching about the nuances of each others’ personalities, building trust, and allowing others to meet our appropriate needs as we meet theirs. (Many clients find relying on others one of the most difficult steps to master.)

Then there is an aspect of this phase that I don’t think we talk about enough: It is one thing to intellectually assent to what was lost or never provided. It is another thing altogether to experience life as it should be – the dynamics you didn’t have before. Such experiential understanding ushers in a new level of grieving. This is a surreal, dual experience: moving forward in building the new story while simultaneously holding space for the sadness that comes with truly understanding what you were missing.

The foundational principle to establishing the new “home”, the true self, the new story, is the fact that commitment and action precedes emotion. You will not feel like doing the things that need to be done. Yet, we do not advocate a “fake it till you make it” approach. It’s not about bumbling around, creating a new adaptive self in hopes of getting what you want. It is about tuning in to what is true about you and aligning your actions with that truth versus the lies your old self believed. It’s mindfully walking in truth until your brain, body and soul have enough experience to actually believe it. It is one of the scariest processes you will ever undertake in life. Courage will be required in Costco-sized amounts but the payoff is worth it, just like that dream house we get to live in when the moving truck pulls away, the boxes are unpacked and the interior design has been fully executed. All those months of planning, crisis response, expense, letting go, cleaning, organizing, learning, choosing and moving are absolutely worth all the trouble!

Filed Under: Emotional Health, Mental Health, Relationships Tagged With: Boundaries, Career, Counseling, Grief, Hope, Identity, Psychotherapy, Rebirth, Relationships, Self Knowledge, Therapy, Transformation

Couples Therapy

March 23, 2022 by Andrea

Are you wondering if your relationship would benefit from therapy?

Trouble in relationships is not uncommon. The pressures of the last couple of years, on top of the usual conflicts in any relationship, have sent many couples in search of assistance to address concerns. Thankfully, the research on couples’ counseling shows much greater satisfaction with the assistance received these days versus just a few decades ago. Add to that, a declining divorce rate in the US over the last decade, and we have a much more hopeful picture for relationships than we are generally led to believe.

Here at Phenix, we approach couples’ work differently than most practices. We have many reasons for our approach:

1)Our mission focuses on deep transformation, not just problem-solving. Studies show that couples can gain vital relationship skills and work on their group dynamic fairly quickly when attending therapy together – leading to increased satisfaction and less conflict. However, what we are finding is that over time – unresolved issues within the individuals cause the couple to slip back into dysfunctional patterns, leaving them feeling hopeless and frustrated.

2) A major concern in the field of marriage and family counseling is the issue of abusive relationships. Ethics codes for all types of therapists have been clarified in recent years to explicitly discourage couples’ therapy with relationships that include domestic violence. Unfortunately, when couples attend sessions together, it can be difficult to detect and/or safely confront domestic violence, leaving the therapist contributing to the dangerous situation!

3) Research from John Gottman tells us the average couple waits six years after trouble begins to seek counseling. When there is such significant lag time between onset and therapy, relational safety is most likely compromised, making openness and honesty in the therapy space together extremely difficult. Dysfunctional habits can be so deeply ingrained that sessions become focused on simply refereeing these damaging behaviors versus the deep transformation required to create a healthy, connected relationship. So often, we have sat with individuals wounded by past trauma or whose childhoods were devoid of relational role models, leaving them ill equipped to build a healthy relationship despite the best of intentions. Imagine two electricians showing up to install an electrical system in a new build but they are missing their tools. They have the skill and the knowledge – as soon as they get the proper tools, they’re ready to accomplish the goal. Now imagine two well-meaning souls showing up to a job site for the same task when they’ve never been trained or they have a traumatic history with electricity that has not been adequately addressed. Each person would need to attend specialized training and obtain supervised experience in order to come together to get the job done.

Overall, we have come to discover that the most efficient approach which fits our transformative style is to work with each person individually first before moving into couples’ work. We address the underlying dynamics that attracted each person to the relational style they are in as well as the root issues which keep them participating (actively or passively) in the dysfunctional dance that brought them to therapy. It’s both partners taking ownership and doing the hard work of unpacking their story, grieving their losses, building their loving adult selves and acquiring the needed relational tools, to build the deeply fulfilling relationship they long for.

Not everyone wants that. Some are perfectly happy with learning how to reduce conflict and maintain a mutually beneficial life partnership that does not demand excessive levels of vulnerability and intimacy. That is a perfectly viable option! Once you know what outcome you want, you can make an informed choice of therapist.

Now that you understand the options, if you are interested in the path of personal transformation that leads to deeply connected and fulfilling relationship, you’re in the right place. Individuals can each work with the same therapist or with different therapists in the practice. Confidentiality is maintained in this initial stage for each individual. Along the way, sessions may occasionally involve both parties when a partner is beneficial to addressing an individual’s growth. At a collaboratively decided point, individuals are ready to transition to couple-focused work. They will be given full disclosure of the changes in therapeutic relationship (primarily the switch from individual confidentiality to shared confidentiality) so that they can make decisions about therapy which feel most comfortable to them.

In any case, it all starts with a free consult to ensure that we are the best fit for your needs so contact us today to get started!

Filed Under: Emotional Health, Family, Relationships Tagged With: Counseling, Hope, Psychotherapy, Relationships, Therapy, Transformation

Surviving the Holidays: Parent Edition

December 20, 2021 by Andrea

Welcome parents!

This holiday survival guide is specifically for you, as the stressors you experience are unique. You not only are trying to take care of yourself during this time, but of all the children and extended family who are home for the holidays. So before we begin, let us take a moment to breathe. Deep inhale in, long exhale out.

Reality is, with how much stress some parents feel, moments like that are too rare.

As we dive into this blog post, I want to provide a framework for how to view this season. To start with:

You are not powerless.

So often, we assume that the holidays = stress and that this stress is just something that will take over the holidays like normal.

False.

You were not designed to be overcome by stress every holiday season. You have been placed in a position of leadership and counsel. Stress cannot overcome you if you do not allow it, because you are not powerless.

We also have to pair this knowledge with the fact that we cannot control others.

So if that one family member decides to start their usual drama and you find yourself in the bathroom wondering how you will get through the following weeks, remember this:

You don’t have to attend every fight you are invited to.

If they choose to start up their own emotional rollercoaster in the living room, you don’t have to get on. They don’t get to have that kind of power.

This is a great time to then practice the deep breathing (longer exhale) and take a moment to slow down. This time of slowing down gives your brain a moment to think about how you would like to respond in a way that represents your character and integrity. How to say what you want to say wrapped in love, while also setting a firm boundary that you are willing to protect.

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Now that we have the framework set, let’s dive in to three main guideposts for this season. Remember, the goal is to thrive, not just survive.

Guidepost 1: You are a human being, not human doing.

Yes, it’s kind of cheesy, I know, but it’s so true. I forget where I first heard it from but it gave me pause when I heard it. I was shocked how much of my life actually fit the “human doing” phrase better.

At Phenix, we are reading a book called Soul Custody this holiday season. The author, Stephen Smith says this on page 18, “The Chinese have two characteristics for the English word ‘busyness’, which they define as ‘heart annihilation’.” The Chinese definitely have a different perspective on busyness than the American culture does. However, I think they have a point. When we are overly busy, we miss so much.

So here is the challenge question: is your holiday season too busy?

If you notice that it is, what can you adjust or change entirely?

Guidepost 2: Take care of yourself

Part of the role of parenting is caring for others. However, in order to rebuild, you also have to take care of you. This looks different for everyone, but it has to be incorporated at some point. If not, our bodies usually take over and we are forced to rest.

In the same book as mentioned before, Stephen discusses how “the word ‘care’ has its roots in a Latin word that means ‘cure’.” (p. 17)

If we listen to that connection, then caring for our souls becomes a necessity.

This time of caring for yourself has to be intentional, especially as a parent. What would it look like to incorporate small things that bring you joy throughout the day? (yes, cookies count) What would it look like to intentionally do something that makes you smile?

This doesn’t have to mean bubble baths and face masks, as mainstream media typically depicts self care.

No, soul care is different.

Soul care is realizing you are more than just a body that is expected to perform. You are a person, someone with worth and value. Someone with dreams and goals.

Soul care is realizing that living a life where you feel depleted all of the time is absolutely miserable, and you don’t have to live like that.

My encouragement for you this season is to find time to rest, to regroup. Incorporate things that bring you joy.

Guidepost 3: Know you are not alone.

No matter how you choose to celebrate the holidays, please remember this guidepost.

Some families right now are having their first Christmas without loved ones due to covid or other illnesses.

Some parents have recently gone through a divorce or separation, and this is their first holiday season without their partner present.

This season may come with mixed feelings. You don’t have to shove those down or repress them.

If you feel like they are about to overwhelm you, like the grief is too deep to wade through, remember you are not alone.

Grief, and emotions, are like waves (as our director, Andrea, points out). There will be times that the waves feel like they are swallowing you whole. Other times, they will lap at your ankles. However, the waves do recede.

When you feel like a big wave is hitting, here are a few things you can do: talk to a friend, journal, draw, or do something with your hands (working on a car, gardening, cleaning) while you process. You are not powerless here.

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Thank you for tuning in to our holiday guideposts!

I hope you all have a wonderful holiday season and a happy new year.

See you in 2022!

Filed Under: Emotional Health, Family, Mental Health, Relationships Tagged With: Coping Skills, Counseling, Grief, Holistic health, Hope, Relationships, Self Care, Self Knowledge, Self Love, Therapy

How to Survive the Holidays Part 2

November 29, 2021 by Andrea

Welcome back to our holiday survival guide!

Last week, we explored how gaining awareness of ourselves and those around us is crucial in not only surviving the holidays, but thriving.

This week, we explore the next three guideposts in surviving the holidays.

Guidepost 3: Time to evaluate

There are two main questions for this guidepost:

Was this Thanksgiving break a time of relaxation and reprieve (or did work become the escape)?

Overall, what do you want your holidays to look like?

Both are great questions as we continue to dive into a holiday experience that brings rejuvenation, rest, and joy. I encourage you to journal or talk to a close friend about your answers here. Take some time and really explore them.

Thanksgiving was probably a good precursor to how the Christmas holidays will go. If it resulted in higher stress for you, this is the perfect time to evaluate what you would like to do for December. How you spend the time during the holidays matters. For many, this is one of the only breaks from work or school that they will receive all year. It is vital that there are some moments of rest.

Which leads me to the next guidepost…

Guidepost 4: Know yourself and what you need

Here are your two main questions for this guidepost:

How do you recharge during your time off?

What can you add in during the holiday time to assist with that?

Again, Thanksgiving can be a great learning experience. If you felt burnt out or exhausted after this holiday, then you now have the opportunity and time to evaluate. How can you be creative during this upcoming Christmas vacation to add in moments of recharge and rest?

For the clients I work with, I encourage them to add in moments that incorporate their senses, inner child, and relationships. Let me explain. Your five senses are used daily to experience the world around you. Each of us have things that we love to experience, whether that be through taste, sight, sound, smell, or touch. Adding in moments on a daily basis that bring you joy is so vital to thriving in this life. During the holidays, I know that a walk outside does wonders for my mood and stress levels. I love to hear the birds in the morning and spend time in nature. It helps me focus. For others, it is the feeling of a warm blanket wrapped around them with hot cocoa.

This then also plays into your inner child. We are all passionate about different things. Incorporate those things this Christmas! Allow your creativity and playfulness to emerge. This can be through decorating the house, getting crafty, or implementing hobbies you enjoy (like baking cookies).

For moments that incorporate relationships, spend time with those around you who build into you, encourage you, and see you for who you are. These are the life giving moments that can happen as you take a walk with a friend, share a good meal with someone, or grab a cup of coffee since it’s freezing out. (Yes, I was born and raised in Florida. I get cold when a breeze blows.)

I would also encourage you to spend time with yourself. This is a relationship that is often neglected but so vital. Take a walk, read a good book, enjoy some yoga, build something new, or tear apart a car. This alone time is also recharging and necessary, just like the relational time with others is.

And lastly…

Guidepost 5: No.

It’s a complete sentence. You are allowed to say it, especially if an environment, outing, or family member has been shown to be unsafe.

You are not obligated to attend any gathering or talk to every family member.

I know that this goes against so many things you have been told and is uncomfortable to even acknowledge. However, part of thriving during the holiday season is realizing that you can protect yourself, even here. You are worth protecting. (Read that sentence again.) You do not need to relive the childhood trauma you endured because the person who hurt you decided they want you to come for Christmas dinner.

No is a complete sentence.

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Thanks for joining me on the guideposts to surviving the holiday season.

If you have any other guideposts you would like mentioned or broken down, leave a comment below and I’ll add them into the next post.

I hope you all have a wonderful holiday season!

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Filed Under: Emotional Health, Family, Mental Health, Relationships Tagged With: Boundaries, Coping Skills, Counseling, Holistic health, Life Seasons, Relationships, Self Care, Self Esteem, Self Knowledge, Self Love, Therapy, Transformation

How to Survive the Holidays (and not end up in jail) Part 1

November 22, 2021 by Andrea

Welcome one and all to our guide on surviving the holidays! (Part 1)

If you are one of those rare individuals who do not have family drama, conflict, or a long lost relative that chooses to reappear during the holiday season, that’s wonderful. For the majority of the population, the holidays seem to bring something out of those around us that we did not know was there (or that we desperately wanted to forget). Join me as we dive into not only how to survive this holiday season, but thrive. Now, thriving might still look like booking multiple therapy sessions come January, but no jail time is a win.

Guidepost 1: Gaining awareness

For those of you who have been in therapy at Phenix or have seen any of the Justin and Caitlin show (which will be returning for a season 2 btw), you have likely heard of the term “inner child”. For those of you who have not heard of this yet, our “inner child” is a part of us that represents our child self. The child self, when integrated, brings with it joy, spirituality, curiosity, and playfulness.

In general, our inner child loves to idealize situations and people, especially our family. It is an honest and vulnerable part of us that desperately wants our parents’ love, affirmation, and acceptance. For many people, their parents were either unable or unwilling to provide one of those qualities. The holidays then become the perfect time for the inner child to jump on the idealization train and hope that this year will be different. This is why the first step of surviving the holidays is gaining awareness of this tendency from little you.

There’s nothing morally or inherently wrong with wanting your family’s love and acceptance. We are wired for connection and the foundational connection we crave is from our parents. However, if we continue to idealize the family members every year, we are setting ourselves up for disappointment.

Which leads me to my next guidepost…

Guidepost 2: Gain awareness (of others)

I truly believe people can heal and relationships can be redeemed. With that belief, also comes a hearty dose of reality. Healthy relationships take authenticity and vulnerability, which requires a healthy amount of self awareness and desire to grow from each individual. Unfortunately, many families do not have relationships with each other that would be described as authentic and vulnerable. Gaining awareness of family patterns and dynamics will be vital. Here are some questions to ask:

How do the family members typically react to one another?

Is there a certain family member who consistently creates drama during the holidays?

Who becomes more stressed as Thanksgiving and Christmas inch closer? Why?

Who in the family is safe and healthy to talk to?

Who models authenticity and vulnerability?

How is the communication level? Do family members actually talk things out peacefully, or are problems avoided until a blow up occurs? (if it ever occurs)

People typically behave in the same patterns until significant work has been done to change and heal. Depending on what you have seen from holidays past, it is a safe bet to assume this holiday will be similar.

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Now that we have a place from which to begin, join me next week as we discuss the action steps you can take to take care of yourself during this time.

Filed Under: Emotional Health, Family, Mental Health, Relationships Tagged With: Counseling, Holistic health, Hope, Life Seasons, Relationships, Self Care, Self Love, Therapy, Transformation

Confessions of a Counselor Part 2

November 15, 2021 by Justin Cunard

I guess I am going to turn this into a mini-series (check back to last week’s blog post). Except, I am not going to a Catholic Priest to confess and then do my penance. I have done that twice in my life though. I was a child and had no idea what I was doing. Had I been going to confession during my late adolescence and 20’s, the congregation may have had to toss me in the holy water fountain and hope for the best. We all have our histories right? Right guys?! Okay, onto the topic at hand.

Confession #2: There are parts of your dysfunctional behaviors you will keep and that’s a good thing. Wait…what!? Read on…

In therapy you may ask yourself, “Do my dysfunctional coping mechanisms have any redeeming qualities or am I just highlighting it all, hitting the delete button, and starting over?” Good question. And every counselor says, “It depends.” Confession: That’s our go to response. I will say this post is most relevant to those of you who have ventured through the first 2 phases of therapy (awareness and grief), have gotten to the other side (no small feat!), and have begun the process of developing your new story. If you are not at this point in therapy, it’s okay, because if you stay the course this will become relevant to you down the road.

I started this blog by mentioning dysfunctional coping mechanisms and whether they have to be eliminated completely or not. To simplify this blog, let’s focus this down a bit and highlight codependency as a dysfunctional coping mechanism.

Codependency is a common struggle for many people. Confession: I am one of these people. Codependency is really centered around a thought and behavior process where you have learned to anticipate other people’s needs, meet them, and forget all about yourself. That is until you are frustrated and become resentful of the person you are rescuing. If you want more on this – come to therapy.

As you begin to walk out your new story you may think to yourself, ‘Wow, I have to get rid of all this codependent behavior with my new story.’ Well, not so fast. There are gold nuggets and good that can come from even the most traumatic backgrounds. Where codependency falls flat on its face is when you forget about yourself and others’ needs become more important than yours. Well, a focus in therapy would be to learn how to voice yourself and let your needs be known. This is a great and amazing goal because YOU MATTER! The gift you attained with being codependent is that you know how to read people and situations and see what is needed or missing.

Maybe you recognize a facial expression in somebody ahead of you in line at the grocery store. When they are at the register to pay and you already know the face they are making means they are short money. Maybe you have been there before and maybe now you have the means to pay the difference and be a blessing to that stranger. Your prior codependent skill of anticipating needs will help you in situations like this. How about that person in the office that people tend to take for granted? You notice that, that person has been sad and it looks like they need a pick-me-up. So, you intentionally bring flowers and a card to their desk reminding them they matter. Again, you see the need and the hurt, so you are able to take action when appropriate.

You see, therapy isn’t a firesale of all things you, but rather a remolding of yourself. The authentic you was/is always there, it just got covered up by life’s unhealthy happenings. Hang in there. Stay the course. Keep writing that new story.

Filed Under: Emotional Health, Mental Health, Relationships Tagged With: codependency, Counseling, Hope, Psychotherapy, Relationships, Self Care, Self Esteem, Self Knowledge, Self Love, Therapy, Transformation

Confessions of a Counselor Part 1

November 8, 2021 by Justin Cunard

Have you ever wondered what some of the hidden benefits or struggles are with therapy? Have you ever wondered how you came into therapy wanting to reduce anxiety, and a few months later you are grieving losses from your childhood, and seeing the world differently? You see, here at Phenix, we have a strong belief in transformational work, which is why you see the word ‘transformation’ on our website and all our social media accounts. We firmly believe in the process of long-term sustainable growth and change. Not saying there is anything wrong with solution focused approaches, but generally it is not our cup of tea. Within the deconstruction and reconstruction phases of therapy, there are goals put in place by the client. In our field we call this the treatment plan. The treatment plan becomes the flight path for the focus of therapy, but other benefits and challenges come along the way.

So, onto Confession #1

There comes a point in therapy where there is a point of no return. Not that you are forced to continue the process or that you must complete some mandatory journey, rather that your eyes and mind are now more aware than ever. You cannot unsee what you’ve already seen. You cannot unknow what you now know. The joy, pain, and sadness in the world will hit you in new ways and in ways you never thought about. Just because you stop therapy does not mean the new insights stop.

Since we are heading into the holiday season, let’s use the holidays as the scenery for this first confession. Maybe in years past you have joined your family for Thanksgiving dinner or Christmas Eve adventures, but you never were able to recognize the maladaptive behaviors and functioning of your family of origin like you do now. Maybe you begin to see and sense the sadness in your brother or mom’s eyes, even though they mask it with a smile on their face. These are the things you can no longer unsee and unfeel. Sorry. What you become aware of now causes the brain to create new neural pathways and it becomes a daily part of the ‘scanning’ your mind does.

It is like the old cliche’ car salespeople use when you are on the lot looking to buy a car from them. They usually say something like this, “You’re gonna be seeing a lot of these on the road.” Yea, that’s because they know your mind is now wired to be looking for the same new car/SUV as you wander down the highway. The car/SUV was always there roaming the roads with you, but they never stuck out to you because your mind never had a reason to cause it to come to your consciousness. Now it does. Has this ever happened to you? Where you went to the Ford dealership to check out a Mustang and now you see every new Ford Mustang on the ride to work. You cannot unsee the Mustangs….they’re everywhere ha.

Again, my apologies… sorta. Awareness is a part of the journey. Gaining awareness and insight into your functioning is amazing. It gives you the power and control back in your life to begin choosing new ways of responding, behaving, etc. The more you become aware of, the more you can change. The more you realize you can change, the more hope you have of a brighter future, and after the last couple years, I think some extra hope is a good thing. Join me next week for confession #2.

Filed Under: Emotional Health, Family, Mental Health, Relationships Tagged With: Counseling, Hope, Identity, Life Seasons, Mindfulness, Psychotherapy, Relationships, Self Knowledge, Therapy, Transformation

My Experience with Covid-19

September 1, 2021 by Andrea

So this post will be different from my others.

Here at Phenix, we strive to live by authenticity. Which means we live out what we challenge each of you to do each session. Usually, my posts are written after I’ve processed something, after I have learned a new concept, one that I have had time to put into motion.

This post is raw. The truth is, it’s still going on. The emotions are still fresh, the situation is still real.

The reason for this post is to answer questions and to share this aspect of my journey. I’ve never had to miss this many days of work and I can only imagine what the unknown has been like for all of my clients.

Over the past year and a half, I’ve walked many clients through having covid or clients having family members have covid. So when the possibility of me being exposed came to light, there was definitely dread, but not a sense of foreignness to the process or symptoms.

My body had a different reaction though. I had just been healing from a combination of a sinus infection and ear infection, turned bronchitis for the past month. My roommate even commented how my cough had never gone away. So when my body was exposed to covid, it had no energy left to fight. I felt like crap for about 4-5 days but then my oxygen started tanking. Days 6-8, I couldn’t lift a bowl or hardly feed myself. The morning of day 8, my oxygen was officially in the 80’s and my roommate was driving me to the ER. From there, I found out the covid had progressed to covid pneumonia and there was a chance I’d be intubated in the ICU. The ER doctor made it clear I may not ever walk out.

The next 5 days in the hospital were some of the most terrifying experiences of my life. The isolation does something to you mentally, my body was not holding up, and we honestly didn’t know what would happen. Miraculously, my body began to reset and recover to where I could leave the hospital with oxygen. A miracle is the only word I have for it.

My parents took me in to watch over the recovery process since all of my internal organs now needed to be checked and I couldn’t move without oxygen. Little did I know when I moved in, that they had already been exposed to covid. Over the next week, as I slowly eased off oxygen and began to walk, I would watch them begin down the same path I had just experienced.

So that is the synopsis of the past three weeks. It was definitely a different experience than what I had imagined.

At Phenix, we are honest about the fact that we, as therapists, are human. Life happens. Unspeakable traumas occur. Things we don’t have answers to. Many of you are in therapy today processing events just like that.

I feel like a lot of life is learning how to sit in the unknown though. We want to have control, so we grasp at whatever we can, to feel a sense of safety. However, life has a way of reminding us that we don’t have all of the answers. For those of you who followed our Phenix videos last year during covid, I talked a lot about hope and how it is shown through the eternal renewal of nature.

Nature has a way of speaking truth through all of the chaos in the world.

Spring always comes after a dreary winter.

The sun always rises, no matter how dark the night.

Part of not only surviving, but thriving, in this world is learning to see the light amid the darkness. Now, I’m not talking about toxic positivity. (You know, those comments of how “everything’s going to be alright :)” and “you’ll get through this!!!” when your world is falling apart.)

I’m talking about how there can be glimmers of light even in the darkest of places. For me, that was my community. The people around me that stepped in, supported me, loved on me, and provided for me this entire time. The ones that sat with me in the unknown, cried with me in the sadness, and rejoiced with me when I rolled out of the hospital elated I could finally shower.

That is the type of community that is worth fighting for. That is the type of community that I aim to help each one of you have as your therapist. Honestly, if you had asked me years ago, it’s the type of community that I never thought was possible. But it is.

So as I end this post, here is what I hope you take away:

Your community matters. The people in your corner are vital. For those who have been wounded in relationships, know that it is actually possible to heal in relationships. (Speaking from experience here…I was that student in graduate school who told my professors I could heal outside of relationships. Relationships had caused too much harm for me to trust them. Yet here I am writing a blog post on the power of community and the healing that happens from true, authentic relationships.)

Everyone is having to sit with the unknown right now. There are things we all want answers to that unfortunately, we don’t have. Covid is still impacting many people and there is grief that words cannot express in so many lives. It is important that we have grace for those around us and ourselves during this time.

Hope is possibly one of the most important things we have. Remember, the sun always rises. No matter how dark the night.

Talk to you guys soon,

Caitlin

Filed Under: Relationships

All Consuming Loneliness

August 4, 2021 by Andrea

I originally had a different blog post planned, one with a great picture of one of my cats.

Then I met with individuals this week and heard what they had to say.

With COVID revamping, and just the daily stressors of being an adult in the 21st century in America, there was this pattern of loneliness.

Not just the “oh I’m bored and no one is available to hang out”. The “nights keep getting darker, I am depleted, alone, and losing hope” type of loneliness.

Here’s the kicker: no one that mentioned this loneliness is trying to avoid people or relationships. Sure there has been previous relational wounding (we’ve all dealt with that), but they are actively doing the work to heal. The struggle is we are never taught as children how to actually build friendships or a support system.

We go to school and find friends in class, surrounded by 20 other kids. Then middle and high school happens, and we follow the same pattern. Then college. Same pattern.

Suddenly we graduate. Once the happiness of never writing another paper fades away, we find that we have no idea where to go to find friendships, especially if we don’t have the people at work or don’t want to view work as the only outlet.

We try getting involved with different activities and hobbies. Even then, we can feel lost in how to form a friendship with someone where there is authenticity, vulnerability, accountability, security, consistency, and trust. (And honestly, do we even know what those qualities look like in a friendship…I have definitely had plenty of relationships that did not include all of those qualities.)

In 4 weeks, the Justin and Caitlin show will return to walk through what forming relationships looks like. We will spend time unpacking this and talking about the real struggles in today’s culture of building lasting friendships. I will also be writing blog posts detailing different aspects.

For the first blog post, I will leave you with this: You are not alone.

The struggle of finding healthy people to begin relationships with and how to even do that is not something that everyone else knows how to do besides you. It is something that we all have to learn, especially as adults. So the critical thoughts that begin attacking you, saying that something is wrong with you or that you are alone for a reason, now have a reason to be silenced. It is possible to heal from previous relational wounding that causes you to isolate from others. It is possible to find others that desire deeper friendships, authentic relationships. Over the next few months, we will walk through this. Together.

Filed Under: Family, Relationships

The importance of slowing down.

June 7, 2021 by Andrea

If you have been in therapy with anyone from Phenix Counseling, you have probably heard the following words:

the importance of slowing down.

There are usually a variety of reactions when this is discussed, all the way from the impossibility of even considering a different pace in life to flat out annoyance of still hearing this as an option. We get it. We’ve been there. Pretty sure my reaction was one of “uh huh” with no intention of actually doing so.

Slowing down completely goes against our society. It goes against this performance driven lifestyle, where you are only as good or as valuable as your recent accomplishment.

However, this lifestyle of go-go-go, constantly pouring out to others, not taking care of ourselves, trying to desperately prove that we are good enough or lovable, is deceptive. Not because we are trying to deceive anyone, but because it promises something it can never deliver. It says if we just keep going a little more, we’ll finally arrive. If we work a little harder, or give a little more, we’ll finally reach the top. We will finally be good enough.

We never reach it though.

Placing your value or worth in the hands of other people, living a lifestyle where you are constantly striving or giving with no return on building back into yourself, is a death sentence.

See, what the lie doesn’t tell you is that the stress, the non-stop nature of this lifestyle, creates an environment that hinders your growth, healing, and enjoyment in life. It creates an environment where you are surviving day to day, exhausted, and never catching a break. The added stress ends up doing damage to your organs and body that shows up as you age, usually at a pace much faster than others.

So if you’re like I was a few years ago, and realizing that maybe you’re curious if it is possible to find fulfillment in life with less stress, then continue reading. The number one secret, the first beginning step, is slowing down.

Now, this looks a variety of ways so I’ll only focus on one aspect of it today. These past few months, our blogs have been using the metaphor of gardening to illustrate forming a new life for yourself. We finished fertilizing last month. This month, we are focusing on the time in between planting the new seeds and harvesting the fruit. Unfortunately, this is usually the time that people become inpatient, wanting the results sooner than later, or become super busy in the excitement of seeing the new seedlings begin to emerge.

So let’s break this down.

What new seeds have you been planting in your life the past few months or year? (As in, what new decisions have you been making to change the course of your life). These could be small, such as drinking more water everyday in an effort to keep your body hydrated, or intentionally forming a new friendship with someone who is healthier than previous relationships.
Are you seeing growth in some of those areas? Which ones? How?

If you’re seeing growth, great. If you’re planting new seeds and waiting on seedlings to emerge, that is a powerful place as well. Here is my invitation to you:

Be intentional about how you spend your time during this process.

Again, slowing down can look many different ways, but we are only focusing on this one today. In the excitement of seeing changes in your day to day life, don’t allow the excitement to be the energy that pushes you to say yes to things that are not sustainable, that drain you more than they build into you, or are based on gaining someone else’s approval.

I invite you to take this time and really explore all of the things, events, groups, or people that you have said yes to. Is this lifestyle sustainable for you? Are these relationships sustainable? Is the new potential “yes” to something else manageable with everything else you have or would it actually begin to drain you?

This is a time of gaining awareness, giving grace to yourself, and just exploring your current lifestyle. We will be discussing this more in depth as the month goes on, so feel free to comment below your answers to the above highlighted questions.

Filed Under: Relationships