So this post will be different from my others.
Here at Phenix, we strive to live by authenticity. Which means we live out what we challenge each of you to do each session. Usually, my posts are written after I’ve processed something, after I have learned a new concept, one that I have had time to put into motion.
This post is raw. The truth is, it’s still going on. The emotions are still fresh, the situation is still real.
The reason for this post is to answer questions and to share this aspect of my journey. I’ve never had to miss this many days of work and I can only imagine what the unknown has been like for all of my clients.
Over the past year and a half, I’ve walked many clients through having covid or clients having family members have covid. So when the possibility of me being exposed came to light, there was definitely dread, but not a sense of foreignness to the process or symptoms.
My body had a different reaction though. I had just been healing from a combination of a sinus infection and ear infection, turned bronchitis for the past month. My roommate even commented how my cough had never gone away. So when my body was exposed to covid, it had no energy left to fight. I felt like crap for about 4-5 days but then my oxygen started tanking. Days 6-8, I couldn’t lift a bowl or hardly feed myself. The morning of day 8, my oxygen was officially in the 80’s and my roommate was driving me to the ER. From there, I found out the covid had progressed to covid pneumonia and there was a chance I’d be intubated in the ICU. The ER doctor made it clear I may not ever walk out.
The next 5 days in the hospital were some of the most terrifying experiences of my life. The isolation does something to you mentally, my body was not holding up, and we honestly didn’t know what would happen. Miraculously, my body began to reset and recover to where I could leave the hospital with oxygen. A miracle is the only word I have for it.
My parents took me in to watch over the recovery process since all of my internal organs now needed to be checked and I couldn’t move without oxygen. Little did I know when I moved in, that they had already been exposed to covid. Over the next week, as I slowly eased off oxygen and began to walk, I would watch them begin down the same path I had just experienced.
So that is the synopsis of the past three weeks. It was definitely a different experience than what I had imagined.
At Phenix, we are honest about the fact that we, as therapists, are human. Life happens. Unspeakable traumas occur. Things we don’t have answers to. Many of you are in therapy today processing events just like that.
I feel like a lot of life is learning how to sit in the unknown though. We want to have control, so we grasp at whatever we can, to feel a sense of safety. However, life has a way of reminding us that we don’t have all of the answers. For those of you who followed our Phenix videos last year during covid, I talked a lot about hope and how it is shown through the eternal renewal of nature.
Nature has a way of speaking truth through all of the chaos in the world.
Spring always comes after a dreary winter.
The sun always rises, no matter how dark the night.
Part of not only surviving, but thriving, in this world is learning to see the light amid the darkness. Now, I’m not talking about toxic positivity. (You know, those comments of how “everything’s going to be alright :)” and “you’ll get through this!!!” when your world is falling apart.)
I’m talking about how there can be glimmers of light even in the darkest of places. For me, that was my community. The people around me that stepped in, supported me, loved on me, and provided for me this entire time. The ones that sat with me in the unknown, cried with me in the sadness, and rejoiced with me when I rolled out of the hospital elated I could finally shower.
That is the type of community that is worth fighting for. That is the type of community that I aim to help each one of you have as your therapist. Honestly, if you had asked me years ago, it’s the type of community that I never thought was possible. But it is.
So as I end this post, here is what I hope you take away:
Your community matters. The people in your corner are vital. For those who have been wounded in relationships, know that it is actually possible to heal in relationships. (Speaking from experience here…I was that student in graduate school who told my professors I could heal outside of relationships. Relationships had caused too much harm for me to trust them. Yet here I am writing a blog post on the power of community and the healing that happens from true, authentic relationships.)
Everyone is having to sit with the unknown right now. There are things we all want answers to that unfortunately, we don’t have. Covid is still impacting many people and there is grief that words cannot express in so many lives. It is important that we have grace for those around us and ourselves during this time.
Hope is possibly one of the most important things we have. Remember, the sun always rises. No matter how dark the night.
Talk to you guys soon,
Caitlin