Our health privacy

Our health privacy

What does corporate use of consumer data have to do with therapy?  

How do I make sense of how my personal data is being bought and sold in the world wide web marketplace?  

What does all that have to do with counseling?  

Phenix is about holistic health – working with you to address mental and emotional health while connecting that journey to your body and spirit.  Every now and then, a “random” issue comes along that intersects with our work.  For example, we posted last week on the approaching hurricane, not because we are weather experts but because we see the mental and emotional health dynamics associated with storms.  Today’s post on data privacy may seem outside the scope of mental health content but hang with us…it does intersect and it does matter.    

Our clients are aware that we use an electronic health record (EHR) platform called Simple Practice.  Not only are health care providers strongly encouraged to use an EHR (required if they accept Medicare/Medicaid funds), but as a telehealth practice, an EHR is a basic necessity.  One of the principles we have adhered to since founding is to utilize tools and solutions which honor the privacy protections of the Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act (HIPAA).  That said, HIPAA standards represent the minimum level of care.  As therapists, we operate at a much higher ethical standard based on our role as stewards of our client’s information.  Our clients trust us to protect their vulnerability as much as possible and we take that responsibility seriously.  With those values, recent developments are causing concerns that we want to share with those who invest in their health through therapy (whether our client or not).  

On August 2nd, our EHR provider released a new terms of service document which aggressively required signature within two weeks to retain access to all of our client care information.  This was the first red flag to indicate that clearly, this company does not understand the legal access requirements for medical records.  Most of us pay little attention any more to the terms of service agreements that we all “click the box” for nearly every day.  We’ve all probably joked about possibly signing over our first born without knowing it…The thing is, terms of service are fairly standard for general tech companies but healthcare companies must operate very differently.  Some clinicians were tipped off by the inappropriate presentation and started reading the new terms of service.  Within days, a firestorm erupted with clinicians raising concerns in multiple online communities.  The new terms claimed rights to user data which did not sensibly align with what should be needed just to provide the service we are paying for, and clinicians weren’t having it!  This resulted in the company backpedaling slightly…extending the deadline for agreement and entering into the compliance review process they should have completed before setting up the terms.  The easy answer would seem to be – just find a new provider.  Unfortunately, the problem is bigger than this one company…     

In the past decade, a quiet war has been unfolding in technology. Capitalists long ago discovered the profit in monetizing data.  Most of the technology tools we use today are based on this practice of offering a ‘free’ service, (social media, email, web search, cloud storage, etc.) in exchange for access to data that can be aggregated and sold to the highest bidder.  This purchased data allows businesses to target us with advertising and offers, personalized to what we are searching for/interested in.  Investors have found more and more spaces and creative ways to entice us to hand over data they can monetize.  About ten years ago, venture capitalists discovered the health care industry as an unmonetized space and started moving in.  Technology companies started offering online therapy way before COVID made it popular knowing that it allowed them to set up systems which could collect valuable data.  These companies were launched and run by investors with zero healthcare experience.  The problem is, monetizing healthcare data is illegal, resulting in over 7 million dollars in fines against one of them, for example.  For a company raking in over a billion dollars annually (2022) though, that fine is simply the price of doing business.  So the quiet war behind the scenes wages as tech experts launch healthcare companies daily with nary a clinician in their leadership hierarchy, leaving them out of touch with the ethical rules clinicians must follow.  Therapists and medical providers have been sounding the alarm for years but the millions of dollars these companies have available to control the narrative and pay the fines is almost impossible to beat.  What that means is that it is extremely difficult to find the technology tools we need, set up with full understanding of healthcare ethics and even healthcare law.       

Trust and transparency is the foundation of the therapeutic alliance.  What our service providers do with our client data (even when it is ‘deidentified’) matters to us.  We see our role of stewarding client data as a sacred trust.  While it may seem hopeless to expect today’s environment of corporate greed to prioritize privacy over profit, we have a responsibility to keep fighting.  What that looks like for us is participation in the collective pushback on our EHR provider to: practice the Safe Harbor Method in deidentifying data, legally commit to respecting the intellectual property rights of clinicians who customize EHR features, as well as to disclose the client portal access terms of service, how data is used for AI training, and what exact information is being sold to exactly what companies.  Electronic Health Record software is not a free service.  As a small practice, we pay over two thousand dollars a year, so imagine what more than 170,000 clinicians are paying (estimate of customer base for our current company)!  Selling user data is not a necessary component of their profit strategy.          

Additionally, we are taking the time to explore the alternatives.  This is labor intensive and exhausting but necessary.  We will look for tech companies run by clinicians, and who provide the ethical parameters our clients deserve.  We have been strategic from the start in how we structured our processes.  Our EHR happens to be a comprehensive practice management platform as well, capable of handling every technological need but we have never used it in that way.  We use separate platforms for payment, messaging, video-meeting, etc. for two reasons: 1) We are not at the mercy of one platform if it shuts down for some reason, containing every tool we need to serve our clients and 2) Our client’s information can never be accessed in one complete package.  While the companies who serve the healthcare industry have the greatest access to tech tools of confidentiality, perfection does not exist in this world and so we have structured things accordingly even before this latest concern.  Moving forward, we will keep you updated every step of the way so that you have clarity about how your records are stored, accessed and managed.

Living on the other side

Wondering what it takes to actually live the life you’ve dreamed of?  

What do you need to know before you take the leap into living your life differently?

The promised land, where your new story begins…

I have written here about the general arc of therapy we follow.  We have offered tips for maximizing each stage of therapy and we have written specifically about Phase Two – the grieving process.  Today, I want to write about the final phase of therapy – activating the true self you have discovered and walking in your new story.  

I have referred to the grieving phase as “the land between”, but embarking on this final phase of therapy is also a transitional season in a different way: A twilight zone between what you have deconstructed and completion of what you are constructing.  Anyone who has had a house built understands that it is a PROCESS!  One of fits and starts…which may find you living in temporary digs until the new house is ready.  Despite the best blueprints, some things just can’t be understood until you see the pieces in place and you may realize, that’s not what I thought it would be.  Back to the drawing board you go to choose a different faucet or refrigerator.  The whole thing takes time with all sorts of surprise obstacles, but perseverance leaves you with the home of your dreams.  

Moving from one house to another always illuminates your possessions in a fresh way, causing you to question why on earth you’ve kept certain things all these years.  Some beloved objects have to be released because they simply will not function or fit in the new home.  If you are living in temporary quarters, you are surrounded by the chaos of missing vital belongings that are in storage and not being able to permanently settle what you were able to keep with you.  Likewise, here are the discomforts that come with leaving behind the life you deconstructed:

  • Most of the relationships you had before therapy were chosen from the adaptive self you are shedding.  Hanging out with friends will often leave you wondering why on earth you tolerated the behaviors, talk and ways of thinking that you now see with clearer eyes.  You may find yourself regularly irritated by family members who operate out of the dysfunctional patterns you now recognize.  Bitterness and resentment become dragons requiring daily battle.   
  • These folks from your old life are used to the adaptive self you crafted and may not know what to do with who you are becoming.  They may not even like your true self, especially if you are no longer willing to offer what they used to get from you!  That rejection truly stings…
  • This season of therapy can be very lonely as you find yourself distancing from those who operate under your old rules, but you have not yet built healthy replacement relationships.  It can be incredibly tempting to return to aspects of the old adaptive self in the face of this loneliness.  Some fade out of the therapy process at this point but they cannot unknow what they have learned, making their compromise existence a cruel game.  
  • You may realize the job or career you are in is not a good fit for you.  Perhaps your job is actually a toxic environment.  Maybe the career field you spent thousands of dollars to prepare for will never align with what you now understand to be your strengths and what brings you fulfillment and joy.  Again, the decisions you made about work came from the adaptive self you are retiring, leaving you in a situation that is no longer workable.  
  • The old adaptive self is one you mastered.  You know how it works.  Saying no to the familiar is extremely difficult.   

Living in transition and setting up your new “home” comes with many challenges.  Temporarily crashing in someone else’s space is inconvenient, humbling and disorderly.  Even after you’ve moved to your new place, there’s usually a stage of, “I’ve made a terrible mistake – why did I move here?” before you start meeting neighbors and finding new favorite restaurants and local activities to love.  It’s the same when the rubber of therapy meets the road of life:

  • The new ways of thinking and behaving that will take you in the direction you want to go will feel awkward and clumsy.  Very quickly, you begin to wonder if you can really pull this new story off as you move toward new friendships, romance, faith, calling, etc.  
  • When our brains have been normed to the stimulation of dysfunctional life patterns, healthy people and activities will feel boring at best, downright unattractive at worst.  It takes time to rewire the brain to enjoy this new existence.  
  • You must retrain the people in your life, how to interact with you.  This takes work and will not likely be well received.  Conflicts will arise.  A few will make it through this process, many will fade away or depart in a fiery blaze.  Are we willing to let go of those who cannot steward well, who we are becoming?   
  • For all of these reasons, embracing the true self is terrifying.  Offering a committed “YES” to that which is true of you demands Courage with a capital C.  Remember, courage is not the absence of fear, it is feeling the fear and moving forward anyway.  That is the very definition of Phase Three therapy at Phenix!    

Many people assume that once they have done the work of deconstruction and grieving, they need only find healthy people who have also done their work and relationships will be easy-peasy.  Unfortunately, that is not the case at all.  Healthy relationships between mature individuals take work but I can promise that it is fulfilling work.  Forcing dysfunctional relationships to run is devastating work.  I don’t know about you, but I’d much rather do the fulfilling work of assessing acquaintances for core relational competencies, learning and teaching about the nuances of each others’ personalities, building trust, and allowing others to meet our appropriate needs as we meet theirs.  (Many clients find relying on others one of the most difficult steps to master.)   

Then there is an aspect of this phase that I don’t think we talk about enough: It is one thing to intellectually assent to what was lost or never provided.  It is another thing altogether to experience life as it should be – the dynamics you didn’t have before.  Such experiential understanding ushers in a new level of grieving.  This is a surreal, dual experience: moving forward in building the new story while simultaneously holding space for the sadness that comes with truly understanding what you were missing.  

The foundational principle to establishing the new “home”, the true self, the new story, is the fact that commitment and action precedes emotion.  You will not feel like doing the things that need to be done.  Yet, we do not advocate a “fake it till you make it” approach.  It’s not about bumbling around, creating a new adaptive self in hopes of getting what you want.  It is about tuning in to what is true about you and aligning your actions with that truth versus the lies your old self believed.  It’s mindfully walking in truth until your brain, body and soul have enough experience to actually believe it.  It is one of the scariest processes you will ever undertake in life.  Courage will be required in Costco-sized amounts but the payoff is worth it, just like that dream house we get to live in when the moving truck pulls away, the boxes are unpacked and the interior design has been fully executed.  All those months of planning, crisis response, expense, letting go, cleaning, organizing, learning, choosing and moving are absolutely worth all the trouble!     

How to Survive the Holidays Part 2

Welcome back to our holiday survival guide!

Last week, we explored how gaining awareness of ourselves and those around us is crucial in not only surviving the holidays, but thriving. 

This week, we explore the next three guideposts in surviving the holidays.

 

Guidepost 3: Time to evaluate

There are two main questions for this guidepost:

Was this Thanksgiving break a time of relaxation and reprieve (or did work become the escape)?

Overall, what do you want your holidays to look like? 

Both are great questions as we continue to dive into a holiday experience that brings rejuvenation, rest, and joy. I encourage you to journal or talk to a close friend about your answers here. Take some time and really explore them.

Thanksgiving was probably a good precursor to how the Christmas holidays will go. If it resulted in higher stress for you, this is the perfect time to evaluate what you would like to do for December. How you spend the time during the holidays matters. For many, this is one of the only breaks from work or school that they will receive all year. It is vital that there are some moments of rest.

Which leads me to the next guidepost… 


Guidepost 4: Know yourself and what you need

Here are your two main questions for this guidepost:

How do you recharge during your time off?

What can you add in during the holiday time to assist with that?

Again, Thanksgiving can be a great learning experience. If you felt burnt out or exhausted after this holiday, then you now have the opportunity and time to evaluate. How can you be creative during this upcoming Christmas vacation to add in moments of recharge and rest? 

For the clients I work with, I encourage them to add in moments that incorporate their senses, inner child, and relationships. Let me explain. Your five senses are used daily to experience the world around you. Each of us have things that we love to experience, whether that be through taste, sight, sound, smell, or touch. Adding in moments on a daily basis that bring you joy is so vital to thriving in this life. During the holidays, I know that a walk outside does wonders for my mood and stress levels. I love to hear the birds in the morning and spend time in nature. It helps me focus. For others, it is the feeling of a warm blanket wrapped around them with hot cocoa. 

This then also plays into your inner child. We are all passionate about different things. Incorporate those things this Christmas! Allow your creativity and playfulness to emerge. This can be through decorating the house, getting crafty, or implementing hobbies you enjoy (like baking cookies).

For moments that incorporate relationships, spend time with those around you who build into you, encourage you, and see you for who you are. These are the life giving moments that can happen as you take a walk with a friend, share a good meal with someone, or grab a cup of coffee since it’s freezing out. (Yes, I was born and raised in Florida. I get cold when a breeze blows.)

I would also encourage you to spend time with yourself. This is a relationship that is often neglected but so vital. Take a walk, read a good book, enjoy some yoga, build something new, or tear apart a car. This alone time is also recharging and necessary, just like the relational time with others is. 

And lastly…

 

Guidepost 5: No.

It’s a complete sentence. You are allowed to say it, especially if an environment, outing, or family member has been shown to be unsafe.

You are not obligated to attend any gathering or talk to every family member.

I know that this goes against so many things you have been told and is uncomfortable to even acknowledge. However, part of thriving during the holiday season is realizing that you can protect yourself, even here. You are worth protecting. (Read that sentence again.) You do not need to relive the childhood trauma you endured because the person who hurt you decided they want you to come for Christmas dinner. 

No is a complete sentence. 

 

Thanks for joining me on the guideposts to surviving the holiday season.

If you have any other guideposts you would like mentioned or broken down, leave a comment below and I’ll add them into the next post.

I hope you all have a wonderful holiday season!

Pandemic Combustion Prevention

 

Illustrate combustion

Have you about reached your limits after almost 8 months of chaos? Most of us began this season in March with some level of anxiety but a commitment to be careful and a belief that “this too shall pass”. Well. It hasn’t quite gone that way, has it? Not only are we staring down the barrel of a resurgence as winter approaches (something the experts predicted back in April), but add in social unrest, election vitriol and a complete breakdown of societal support and structure across every level. While folks have developed a routine of one foot in front of the other to get through our days, even those of us privileged enough to still have a job with the freedom to work from home, are beginning to realize that our gas tanks are near empty. With no end in sight, what is the plan?

It is time to stop and be strategic. As much as we would love to believe in the magic of a new year, 1/1/2021 will not bring with it any major changes. We are looking at more of the same for many months to come. In the coming weeks, we are supposed to figure out how to celebrate holidays without putting ourselves or others at undue risk. Not to mention – find the energy to do so. As mental health professionals, we’ve been observing all of this and feeling compelled to bring reasonable strategies to the table along with specific action steps that we can focus on as we bring this year to a close.

Mentally
Treat your brain like your favorite recipe – the ingredients you put in determine the end product. 
What are your priorities in life? Is it a mission you are called to; a role that you value – leader, spouse, parent; a set of spiritual values?  What are the concepts bigger than you which should drive the way you do life?  Once you have clarity on priority – become a diligent curator of everything you consume!  The websites you visit, the people/accounts you follow on social media, the shows you watch, the books/articles you read, the videos you watch, the podcasts you listen to, the music you play…take a militant stance toward each and every ingredient being deposited in your brain.  Does each one align with the priority you identified?  If the ingredients don’t match up, the dish you end up with will not have any resemblance to what you claim to be of importance to you.  Remember quality matters as well.  Marinara made with grocery store tomatoes cannot compare to the sauce made with heirloom tomatoes from grandma’s backyard, right?

Action step: Spend a week making note of everything you take in, then sit down and make decisions about what needs to go and what ingredients are missing in light of what matters most to you.

Emotionally
Protect space in your life to notice, identify and express your emotions.  If you struggle with knowing what emotions you are experiencing, try using this emotion wheel to give you the broader vocabulary which may help you get more specific about what you are feeling.

label emotions

Or…maybe words are not your issue, perhaps it is just not feeling connected to emotion at all.  Relying less on your brain to figure it out and more on listening to your body may help.  Just sitting quietly and scanning your body to find areas of tension, relaxation, pain, discomfort, unease or any other sensation can give you wonderful clues as to what is happening emotionally.  There are very good reasons why we lose connection to our own internal life and this is where therapy may be a great idea to build back that connection.

Action step: Experiment with a daily reminder on your phone for various times of the day: try morning, mealtimes, afternoons or bedtime.  When the alarm sounds, dedicate 10 minutes to tuning in to how you are feeling and express it in some way: draw something, find a song that matches, share it with someone or write it in a journal.  By the end of the year, you will know what techniques work and what time of day is best or you will have clarity on the fact that it is time to reach out for assistance.

Physical
Seek quality information and focus on the basics over which you have control.  Choose properly qualified sources for health information. (No, your meme-posting college friend who works in banking is not a good prospect). Look for people who are on the front lines of this pandemic – treating actual COVID patients or doing the research currently – and listen to their reports. COVID-19 was first reported on December 31, 2019 globally. Ten months is a very short period of time in the world of medicine. We have to expect the information to deepen and grow each week, so taking any kind of permanent stance on what works and doesn’t is not wise. Find good sources, listen to the information for yourself so that you can make wise decisions about your health and those with whom you come in contact.  If you have friends working in the microbiology, epidemiology or infectious disease fields, ask them for recommendations.  Here are a few resources to consider as well:

Medscape Resources

Simple model of what we currently understand regarding how the virus is transmitted. Note this is based on computer modeling and assumes a person in their most infectious stage of the virus.  The encouraging news is how effective simple strategies are against this worst-case scenario!

Laurel Bristow, Infectious Disease Researcher

Samantha Yammine, PhD – Neuroscientist/Science Communicator

Kennen Hutchison – PhD Student-Neuroinvasive Virology

Action step:  Find one or two good qualified sources for pandemic research information and do your best to minimize everything else so that you can protect yourself from panic and overwhelm.  Take a look at the basics in your life: gentle nutrition, sleep and joyful movement.  These are the things over which you have the most influence.  Determine the baby steps you can take to gain progress in those areas.

Social
Abandon ‘all or nothing’ approaches to social engagement. We need each other and so we need to be flexible in creating opportunities to connect.  We are called to physically distance – we do not have to socially distance.  It is time to let go of waiting on how it used to be.  Grieve the days that are in the rear view mirror.  The ways in which we interact – both in person and digitally are changed forever.  Change is constant.  We will have some elements of contact back someday AND we will have precautions that will stay with us indefinitely.  Many of us have refused to reckon with this reality, holding out for a return to “normal” while life passes us by in isolation.  Don’t skip the grief: the reckoning, the hurt, the fear, the anger, the sadness, the acceptance…it all must be attended to if we are to avoid the subconscious consequences.   Acceptance is hard won.  It looks like intentional strategies to regain what has been lost, from new sources.

Action step: Commit to the digital tools you may not enjoy as the price to be paid for relationship: video calls, phone calls, apps.  Feel the irritations, the frustrations, whatever difficult emotions you have and move forward anyway.  Put these digital connection appointments in your calendar so that they have a chance to slowly work their way into your normal routine.  Use the information you have gained from the science community to develop reasonable strategies for in-person gatherings.  Talk to your doctor about your unique vulnerabilities.  Discuss your decisions with friends and family and find the ones who are willing to commit to the steps required for minimizing risk to yourself and loved ones.  Make those folks members of your pandemic pod and enjoy your time together!

Would you benefit from a step-by-step walk through in applying these suggestions?  Click here to download our pacing manual!  We provide the questions and worksheets to help you identify your priorities, evaluate your media consumption, manage your emotions, improve your sleep, design your pandemic pod and prioritize your relationships.  We also provide great resources for learning more about helpful phone apps, nutrition and exercise.

GET THE MANUAL HERE

“Safe” People

I actually don’t like that term “safe” since it’s definition is: absence of risk. We all know that no part of life meets that definition. I think we’ll go with “safer” people. The concept has been mentioned in previous posts so I thought it time to focus on what I mean by this business of finding and connecting with safer others as we work on our own personal transformations.

You know that cliche phrase, “birds of a feather flock together”? It’s a cliche because it’s true. We attract the sort of people who match our dysfunctions. They either play the complementary role or share similar behaviors. Makes sense that as we address our dysfunctions, we would see increased conflict with our fellow birds, unless they too are willing to transform. As I mentioned in my last post, once we get past the grief of recognizing some birds will be left behind, we face the dilemma of finding new ones. How do we avoid collecting more of the same? How do we identify that which is healthier when we are in the midst of still figuring out our own healthy? There are three components which have emerged over the years in my own life as I am blessed with a tribe of safer people.

Presence
Safer people have worked on their own dysfunctions to the point that they are able to focus fully outside of themselves when they are with others. They aren’t perfect but because they’ve taken a long, hard look at their own pain, they don’t retreat into it or project it on to you when your pain surfaces. When we are with these folks, we feel connected and that their attention is focused primarily on us.

Love
This is such an overused word – it has lost specific meaning in our world. In this context, I want to define the word as ‘valuing the other’. When someone values you, they consider the ways in which they speak to and treat you. They make every effort to tangibly demonstrate care and concern; they listen to understand instead of to simply respond. Since they’ve worked on themselves, they’re well aware of their own shadow and so they offer grace for yours. Not that they allow themselves to be taken advantage of, but they don’t shame or condemn.

Keeping it real
Here’s another abused phrase. It has become a way to excuse being a jerk. It’s right up there with, “I’m brutally honest”. That’s not what I’m going for here. What I’m talking about is the person who will be authentic with you. They share their real selves and they tell you honestly, how they are affected by you and how they truly feel. So, once again, safer people don’t avoid confrontation, they don’t allow themselves to be bullied – instead, they find healthy ways to communicate what’s really going on. Because they have established their acceptance of us, we are able to hear these difficult truths and use them in our transformation process.

Hopefully, this begins to ‘flesh out’ the safer people we need to be looking for and gives you a matrix to evaluate the folks already in your life, the new ones you meet and most of all, yourself! For further study – check out Cloud and Townsend’s excellent book on this subject. Books are wonderful but they don’t hold our hands and walk us through so find a wilderness guide to help you if you’re struggling.

Every day I’m hustlin’

codependent

[koh-di-penduh-nt]
See more synonyms on Thesaurus.com
Adjective 1.
of or relating to a relationship in which one person is physically or psychologically addicted, as to alcohol or gambling, and the other person is psychologically dependent on the first in an unhealthy way.
Noun 2.
one who is codependent or in a codependent relationship.

“Codependent” is so overused at this point and has come to mean just about any version of an unhealthy relationship.  I want to use a different term – one I’m borrowing from Brene Brown’s vernacular…she calls it hustling for love.

I’m referring to this business of denying or minimizing self in order to be, do or say what another person wants.  We take care of things the other should be handling in order to make ourselves indispensable.  We hustle like this because we want to be loved.  We don’t trust that we will be loved as we truly are and so we put on masks, we become something we are not, we enable, in order to be what we think will be loved.  The problem with all of this though is that when love comes our way, only our false self can receive it.  Underneath, our true self never receives love and so we spend our lives unfulfilled and lonely, even in the presence of loving others.

The issue has been top of mind lately due to many conversations with a friend who has been focusing on this in his life.  What we have taken great notice of is the fact that once awareness is gained, once root issues of self worth are tackled, the ultimate step of healing involves doing: engaging relationships from one’s new position of awareness and worth.  But what if you don’t have any “others” in your life, qualified to take the journey with you?  What if you have only gathered others who need a hustler?  Who don’t know what to do with an authentic self?  This is an issue we don’t often see anyone discussing.  All the books and articles focus on what needs to change within us and how to behave differently, but I haven’t found anyone discussing the others.  So here goes:

  • When we begin the work of examining the way we relate to others and the roots of those relational styles, we must also begin the work of identifying the characteristics of healthy “others”.  Many of us have not been exposed to enough examples.
  • We need to also brainstorm where healthy others can be found and begin to position ourselves accordingly.  This may mean new social activities or increased involvement in groups we previously marginalized.
  • We need to communicate every step of our journey to existing, important others in our lives so that they have the opportunity to come along, to adjust to who we are becoming.  If we don’t communicate, we leave them confused, defensive and possibly hurt by our internal changes.
  • “We are not ourselves by ourselves” says Peterson.  These efforts to transform our social circle will go a long way in our own self knowledge as we bring stories from our interactions into counseling.  It is a key experiential aspect of therapy!
  • When we have achieved enough awareness and worked through some of the core issues of self worth, it is time to identify a couple of healthy others in our sphere with whom we can practice being our newly authentic selves.
  • From this point forward, it is all about relating in likely opposite ways to how we have before.  It is intentional and consistent.  This process needs to be a regular topic of counseling so that there is a constant feedback loop for learning.  It is a terrifying challenge but it is the final step in true transformation.  There is no other way to permanently change the meanings we have made of life experiences.  It is a messy business filled with mis-steps requiring honest communication from which to recover.  We may need to make a few changes in who we include in our tribe which then involves a grieving process for the ones who simply do not have what it takes to enter this new territory with us.  The payoff is a level of connection and relational joy we never thought possible.  Benefits that cannot be achieved with solely internal peace and knowledge.

Now it’s your turn…What aspect of mental/emotional health is on your mind these days?  What are you currently wrestling with?  I want this space to be useful!  I’m also considering doing a weekly Facebook Live which will focus on what YOU want to hear about, so give me your feedback.

Necessary Endings

I stole the title of this post from a great book.  It perfectly captures a phenomenon I’ve been living out personally and that I see in the lives of my clients quite often: This business of hanging on to relationships far beyond their expiration date.

Why do we do this?  The short answer is fear, but let’s break it down more specifically:

Fear of rejection: how many times do we fail to set boundaries, fail to verbalize what is ok or not ok for us because we are afraid that when we do that, the other will reject us? They will not want to be in relationship with us.  Which leads us to the next fear…

Fear of being alone: many of us believe that anyone is better than no one.  We cannot fathom how we could ever be happy by ourselves and so we tolerate all kinds of shenanigans because we cannot be alone.

Fear of violating our responsibility or duty: For a million and one reasons, we feel obligated to the other to “help” them and/or not abandon them.  Anything from blood ties to our own sense of ethics to nice things they did in the past.  Whatever the reason, we use it to justify staying in the relationship because we “have” to.

Fear of hurting another: We are terrified of ever hurting our loved one’s feelings and so we hold back our truth.

So what’s the remedy?

Self worth: when we understand our worth, we cannot help but protect ourselves from dysfunction, even if that results in rejection.  It’s like the difference between a diamond versus a cubic zirconia ring.  The lengths you go to for protection and care of the diamond far exceed that of the CZ ring, simply because of the difference in worth between the two.

Self love: When we take the time to get to know who we truly are and develop compassion and grace toward ourselves, we enjoy our own company…we feel secure in our own skin.  From that place, we realize that while relationships are vital, tolerating any individual who violates our worth is unacceptable and being alone for a season is perfectly fine.

Responsible to, not for: We have a responsibility within our community to monitor our own thoughts, feelings and behaviors to be authentic and kind.  We are never responsible for though – anyone else’s thoughts, feelings or behaviors.  The only partial exception is in our role as parents where we are responsible for them to a certain extent but even in that, our kids have free will to make their own choices and must experience the consequences of those choices if they are to learn how to operate as adults.  There is a big difference between that “to” and “for”, so there is never a situation where it is healthy for us to stick around tolerating dysfunction in order to keep someone from thinking, feeling or behaving a certain way.

Hurt versus harm: When we go to the dentist with a problem, it is pretty much a guarantee that whatever is done to fix us will hurt.  While they make a diligent effort to prevent unnecessary pain, they don’t avoid their work just because some pain will ensue. What they do have to worry about is harming the patient.  If they are negligent or flat out unskilled, they can make mistakes that cause permanent damage to someone’s mouth and that is harmful.  Likewise, when we have to walk away from relationships, there will be hurt and that’s not a bad thing.  What we don’t want is to conduct the leaving in a way that is hateful, disrespectful or deceitful.

These remedies may make all kinds of sense but they are much easier said than done!  Our view of self is rooted in our experiences – particularly those of our early years and it is no small task to change the meanings we have made of those experiences.  Dealing with the inevitable guilt we feel when we begin to set healthy boundaries can be enough to turn us back to our old ways.  If you struggle with taking these steps toward health, seek out a counselor who can help you dive under the struggle to address the foundational meanings driving your resistance!

 

Self Care 4.0

 

This is the fourth and final post in a series on the topic.  Return to the first post here

In our last post, I offered a preview of the difficult path to self love.  Even so, it is hard to truly understand the nuances of the journey until you are in the thick of it.  Nevertheless, as you move forward, it is comforting to think back to these discussions, realizing that yes – this is what she was talking about.  It is much easier to endure when you are confident in the normalcy of your experience and the payoff to come.

I mentioned that while you experience the challenges I detailed, there would be a parallel venture that would be vital in supporting your work.  That parallel venture is the art of setting boundaries.  From the beginning, we looked at the challenges presented by the over-full life that comes with a lack of self love.  You forged ahead anyway, sensitive to these limitations but determined nonetheless.  Baby steps are necessary at the beginning…only the most basic self care tasks can be incorporated successfully.  Before long though, growing pains ensue.  The more you get to know yourself, the more compelled you are to make significant changes in your life…to set boundaries.

Boundaries mark what is you and what is not you.  What you are responsible for and what is not your burden to bear.  They provide a portal at which it can be determined what is OK and what is not OK for you.  Do you see the connection to self love?  How can you determine what is you and yours if you do not know your true self?  How do you know what is OK for you if you do not understand your value?  Self love cannot be lived out unless space is created to engage in self care.  This space is created through boundaries.  Fences that protect what is important.  Think about the lawn edging that protects the garden bed from encroaching grass and weeds.  Thus, you have a symbiotic process happening: boundaries are impossible to determine and enforce without self love….self love is impossible to pursue without boundaries.  That combination is what facilitates self care.  Now it all makes sense why self care falls apart so easily!

It is extremely difficult to balance this delicate connection by ourselves.  Once again, we see the need for an objective other to help us continuously monitor this balance in the midst of our crazy lives which seem to conspire against us when we set out to grow.

I hope that this series has been food for thought and that you are equipped to choose your partner/s for the journey.  We’re here to help – individually or in like minded groups.