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The Art of Undoing

The Art of Undoing

April 6, 2026 by

Is Hustle the only way you work toward goals?

Are you a good starter but not so great on finishing?

Have you been told you do things the hard way?

Spring brought new beginnings and many of us are deep in implementation of changes we wanted to make this year.  Fresh starts are bumpy though, making it easy to give up and turn back.  A problem I’ve noticed is the assumption that our wins should come the hard way in order to “count”.  We’ve all heard, work smarter, not harder, but I think we love the scrappy, ‘overcoming all the odds’, underdog tale of victory – projecting that on to our own journeys.

I’m here to tell you, there is no extra medal for doing things the hard way!  It is not shady or lazy to make things easier on yourself.  There are no life hack police coming to ticket you.

Now that we have that straight, be sure you are subscribed to our newsletter, as this month’s freebie is a worksheet of strategies from Atomic Habits that may make your change process easier.  In the meantime, let’s discuss a foundational strategy for easing the process of change: slowing down.

Wait a minute…I just got going and you want me to slow down?!  Yes.  Taking off at top speed is a great way to burn out before you can truly establish the new habits, skills and mindset you’re trying to build.  Make things easy on yourself by slowing down the speed of the changes you’re making.  Give each step of change more time for you to acclimate.  For example, if you want to improve your sleep routine, go to bed just one hour earlier each week instead of setting a date and expecting yourself to stick to your goal bedtime right off the bat.  Slowing down the pace of your life overall improves your ability to make wise decisions, reduces stress, increases your self awareness, improves learning of new skills, strengthens connections, increases creativity and reduces burnout.  Just like marathon runners, we must pace ourselves if we are to finish the race well.

So if you’ve been struggling to implement steps toward your goals…slow down.  Consider these strategies if you need practical ideas on what that means for you:

  • Develop a default answer when anyone wants you to make a decision – I’ll let you know tomorrow.  This gives you 24 hours to consider your options.  Be sure to honor your word and communicate your decision the next day.
  • Notice when you are rushing and get curious.  No judgment; just analyze what is driving the hurry and consider how you can shift that pace.
  • Schedule a few minutes each day or an hour a week for quiet reflection.  This will give you an ongoing understanding of your emotions, needs and desires which will enable you to shift your strategies regularly to be more effective.
  • Practice mindfulness – paying careful attention to what is happening in the moment.  Describe to yourself what you are hearing, seeing, smelling, tasting, and touching – right here….right now.  This trains your brain to slow down and think more critically and effectively.
  • Regularly remove (or turn off) all digital devices from your surroundings when spending time with your core people. You’ll be surprised at what you notice and how much easier it is to implement any changes you are making in your relational style.
  • When practicing a new skill, purposely move slowly so that you can build muscle memory and make less mistakes.  Quick wins feel great but more often, we experience frustrating fails when we go too fast, making it more likely we will give up.
  • Set aside time to be bored.  This is when creativity and innovation arises because there is finally space to generate ideas.
  • No matter how much you’re trying to get done, prioritize regular rest.  This is the only way to ensure that your efforts remain sustainable.

Long term gains are greatly reduced when we hurry.  If you want to make your journey lighter and easier – slow down!

 

 

Filed Under: Emotional Health, Leadership Tagged With: , , , , ,

Online Adventures

July 2, 2018 by

Over the years, I’ve worked with a number of therapists, beginning with a licensed social worker who was also a pastor at a local church.  Each one has walked a specific section of my journey with me, facilitating insight and clarity along the way.  Soon after arriving in Orlando, I worked with two different therapists during an exceedingly challenging time of my life.  As I ended 2017 in perhaps the best mental and emotional state I had experienced in years, I paradoxically sensed it was a good time to re-enter therapy.  I was facing several positive transitions and believed I had the emotional energy to tackle foundational concepts that would help me live life from the best level possible.  Though I did not have really specific issues I needed to resolve, I did know I wanted someone who would be able to sit with and explore whatever emerged.  Trouble was, all the therapists I knew who worked like that were my friends and so could not serve in this role.  My inquires for referrals turned up absolutely nothing that met my criteria.

I remembered one of my interns telling me he had experienced useful sessions online with Victor Yalom, the son of another therapist – Irwin Yalom who I admire in my approach to therapy – especially group work.  However, I had a skeptical view of online therapy:  I’m relational in my theoretical orientation – how on earth could there be great therapy in the absence of smell, touch, and the extra-sensory dynamics of physical presence I had come to rely on in terms of perceiving what clients were feeling?  As time wore on with no emerging options, I decided it couldn’t hurt to pursue the idea, even as a second-best one, and so I contacted Victor.  Many steps later, I started working with a therapist he recommended who lived in Paris – Anastasia – in January of 2018 and it was definitely the right decision!  Here was a humbling example of what I was teaching my students: Anastasia’s ability to connect with me, to hear what I wasn’t saying, to see the patterns beneath the stories I shared, mattered more than the method we were using to talk to each other. Yes, online therapy has its differences but what mattered was the therapist and his/her ability to build a relationship with the client regardless.  Wow!

Over the following months, I put aside my biases toward online therapy and considered its benefits: to English speakers living in non-English speaking countries, to individuals committed to deeper work but lacking therapy professionals in their part of the world, to my local clients with chronic illness who sometimes struggle to make it in to the office, to individuals like me across the state of FL who are looking for a specific therapeutic fit that they cannot find close by.

I happened to be visiting Paris some time later and so I had a session in person with Anastasia. I was shocked to find that it did not feel much different from the sessions we had been doing online. It was the final push I needed to start offering what I have received: greater accessibility to this business of going deeper.  I believe my experience as an online therapy client with a therapist who does it excellently is the best qualifier for providing this service but I am still pursuing specific training and education in this particular modality to ensure that I continue to grow.

2022 edit: How could I have known the benefit of this expansion?  It prepared us to transition to a fully online practice in March of 2020!  When you engage teletherapy with Phenix, you work with a team who truly believe in this modality.  Teletherapy offers major benefits when we are willing to explore the possibilities.  Your Phenix therapists have pursued the experiences and training necessary to maximize this exciting change in how healthcare is delivered.

Filed Under: Mental Health Tagged With: , , , , ,

Whitespace

October 4, 2017 by

At the GLS event I mentioned a couple of months ago, I heard Juliet Funt speak on the concept of “whitespace“: that business of intentionally creating a space for NOTHING so that creativity can emerge in the workplace.  An excellent reminder and validation of my love for this concept in our personal lives.  Our culture is driven by the need for constant activity and most of us are completely enslaved to the merry go round.  There are two main traps we tend to fall in for this obsession with activity: The trap of achievement – believing that we are only as worthwhile as our productivity…hence there’s never a time we can feel at peace when we are still.  Or, there is the trap of emotional avoidance.  Sitting still becomes a dangerous dynamic to be avoided at all cost because it allows one’s pain and anxiety to emerge!   Often, you’ll hear folks caught in these traps exclaim, “Oh, I have no time for that”, or “Oh my goodness, I would go crazy sitting around doing nothing” when presented with the idea of rest, retreat, white-space.  I chuckle internally when I hear these tell-tale words.

The reality is, we absolutely need quiet time in order to grow.  There’s the irony – so often, we go, go, go because we’re trying to achieve, to progress, to accomplish.  All the while, in the absence of appropriate down-time, we’re actually moving backward.  Often, without realizing it until it’s too late.  The epiphany typically arrives in the form of physical illness because our bodies keep score and when we ignore it’s need to rest and recuperate, it eventually takes its revenge.

My focus today though is the emotional aspect.  This blog is about personal transformation.  With that in mind, where does white-space fit in?  Transformation begins with awareness, continues with learning and is then cemented by action.  In order for new learning to be integrated, it must be consolidated – a process that cannot happen during activity.  It only happens during times of quiet.  Have you ever noticed that you attend an amazing workshop where you learn great concepts but weeks later, you’re struggling to remember what you found so revolutionary?  Or, perhaps you pulled an all-nighter in college, studying for a big test and then drew a complete blank on so much during the exam?  These are examples of what happens to learning without white-space.  If we do not take the time to STOP and reflect on our new awareness, understanding and insight, we don’t retain it.  We don’t act upon concepts we don’t retain and thus, we stay stuck in patterns of dysfunction.

When clients have covered a lot of territory in session, I always warn them to take some downtime within the next 24 hours to let their work consolidate.  Eventually, I teach them to build this space into their regular routine so that there is ongoing room to grow and they don’t have to scramble for it when life brings them new opportunities.  Personally, I try to model this in my own life, regularly spending time in nature.  This week, during a quick trip to GA, I asked my host about the local parks and was guided to a fabulous nature trail.  My friend and I remarked how just one hour on the trail made such a difference in our mental outlooks…not to mention how much better our bodies felt after hours of driving the day before.

You may find yourself resonating with these words, making promises to yourself to find more white-space in your life but if you are caught in one of the two traps I mentioned, it’s easier said than done.  Your source of worthiness must be addressed if you are to ever make peace with stillness.  You must acquire the skills of emotion management if you are to become willing to let frightening feelings emerge.  Likely, you have specific family stories that have left you ill-equipped or believing lies that will forever hold you back.  If you don’t know how to work on cars, don’t you take your vehicle to a mechanic?  If you never learned to work on appliances, don’t you call a repair company for your broken refrigerator?  Yet somehow, when we recognize a gap in our mental or emotional skills, we hesitate to contact a therapist who is trained in the very skills we lack.  Strange, isn’t it?  Consider breaking that trend and give us a call if you realize your struggle to create white-space goes deep into territory you haven’t yet mastered!

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“Safe” People

September 25, 2017 by

I actually don’t like that term “safe” since it’s definition is: absence of risk. We all know that no part of life meets that definition. I think we’ll go with “safer” people. The concept has been mentioned in previous posts so I thought it time to focus on what I mean by this business of finding and connecting with safer others as we work on our own personal transformations.

You know that cliche phrase, “birds of a feather flock together”? It’s a cliche because it’s true. We attract the sort of people who match our dysfunctions. They either play the complementary role or share similar behaviors. Makes sense that as we address our dysfunctions, we would see increased conflict with our fellow birds, unless they too are willing to transform. As I mentioned in my last post, once we get past the grief of recognizing some birds will be left behind, we face the dilemma of finding new ones. How do we avoid collecting more of the same? How do we identify that which is healthier when we are in the midst of still figuring out our own healthy? There are three components which have emerged over the years in my own life as I am blessed with a tribe of safer people.

Presence
Safer people have worked on their own dysfunctions to the point that they are able to focus fully outside of themselves when they are with others. They aren’t perfect but because they’ve taken a long, hard look at their own pain, they don’t retreat into it or project it on to you when your pain surfaces. When we are with these folks, we feel connected and that their attention is focused primarily on us.

Love
This is such an overused word – it has lost specific meaning in our world. In this context, I want to define the word as ‘valuing the other’. When someone values you, they consider the ways in which they speak to and treat you. They make every effort to tangibly demonstrate care and concern; they listen to understand instead of to simply respond. Since they’ve worked on themselves, they’re well aware of their own shadow and so they offer grace for yours. Not that they allow themselves to be taken advantage of, but they don’t shame or condemn.

Keeping it real
Here’s another abused phrase. It has become a way to excuse being a jerk. It’s right up there with, “I’m brutally honest”. That’s not what I’m going for here. What I’m talking about is the person who will be authentic with you. They share their real selves and they tell you honestly, how they are affected by you and how they truly feel. So, once again, safer people don’t avoid confrontation, they don’t allow themselves to be bullied – instead, they find healthy ways to communicate what’s really going on. Because they have established their acceptance of us, we are able to hear these difficult truths and use them in our transformation process.

Hopefully, this begins to ‘flesh out’ the safer people we need to be looking for and gives you a matrix to evaluate the folks already in your life, the new ones you meet and most of all, yourself! For further study – check out Cloud and Townsend’s excellent book on this subject. Books are wonderful but they don’t hold our hands and walk us through so find a wilderness guide to help you if you’re struggling.

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Every day I’m hustlin’

September 18, 2017 by

codependent

[koh-di-pen–duh-nt] See more synonyms on Thesaurus.com
Adjective 1.
of or relating to a relationship in which one person is physically or psychologically addicted, as to alcohol or gambling, and the other person is psychologically dependent on the first in an unhealthy way.
Noun 2.
one who is codependent or in a codependent relationship.

“Codependent” is so overused at this point and has come to mean just about any version of an unhealthy relationship.  I want to use a different term – one I’m borrowing from Brene Brown’s vernacular…she calls it hustling for love.

I’m referring to this business of denying or minimizing self in order to be, do or say what another person wants.  We take care of things the other should be handling in order to make ourselves indispensable.  We hustle like this because we want to be loved.  We don’t trust that we will be loved as we truly are and so we put on masks, we become something we are not, we enable, in order to be what we think will be loved.  The problem with all of this though is that when love comes our way, only our false self can receive it.  Underneath, our true self never receives love and so we spend our lives unfulfilled and lonely, even in the presence of loving others.

The issue has been top of mind lately due to many conversations with a friend who has been focusing on this in his life.  What we have taken great notice of is the fact that once awareness is gained, once root issues of self worth are tackled, the ultimate step of healing involves doing: engaging relationships from one’s new position of awareness and worth.  But what if you don’t have any “others” in your life, qualified to take the journey with you?  What if you have only gathered others who need a hustler?  Who don’t know what to do with an authentic self?  This is an issue we don’t often see anyone discussing.  All the books and articles focus on what needs to change within us and how to behave differently, but I haven’t found anyone discussing the others.  So here goes:

  • When we begin the work of examining the way we relate to others and the roots of those relational styles, we must also begin the work of identifying the characteristics of healthy “others”.  Many of us have not been exposed to enough examples.
  • We need to also brainstorm where healthy others can be found and begin to position ourselves accordingly.  This may mean new social activities or increased involvement in groups we previously marginalized.
  • We need to communicate every step of our journey to existing, important others in our lives so that they have the opportunity to come along, to adjust to who we are becoming.  If we don’t communicate, we leave them confused, defensive and possibly hurt by our internal changes.
  • “We are not ourselves by ourselves” says Peterson.  These efforts to transform our social circle will go a long way in our own self knowledge as we bring stories from our interactions into counseling.  It is a key experiential aspect of therapy!
  • When we have achieved enough awareness and worked through some of the core issues of self worth, it is time to identify a couple of healthy others in our sphere with whom we can practice being our newly authentic selves.
  • From this point forward, it is all about relating in likely opposite ways to how we have before.  It is intentional and consistent.  This process needs to be a regular topic of counseling so that there is a constant feedback loop for learning.  It is a terrifying challenge but it is the final step in true transformation.  There is no other way to permanently change the meanings we have made of life experiences.  It is a messy business filled with mis-steps requiring honest communication from which to recover.  We may need to make a few changes in who we include in our tribe which then involves a grieving process for the ones who simply do not have what it takes to enter this new territory with us.  The payoff is a level of connection and relational joy we never thought possible.  Benefits that cannot be achieved with solely internal peace and knowledge.

Now it’s your turn…What aspect of mental/emotional health is on your mind these days?  What are you currently wrestling with?  I want this space to be useful!  I’m also considering doing a weekly Facebook Live which will focus on what YOU want to hear about, so give me your feedback.

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Fresh Starts

January 3, 2017 by

Some of us get excited about the new year.  We see it as a new chapter in our books: a blank page, a clean slate.  Others are so sick of the “new year, new you” grandiosity that emerges this time of year.  We cast cynical eyes at the bright-eyed hopefuls…mentally calculating how long it will take them to fall back to the bottom of the same pits they’ve lived in for years.  Social media is full of commentary on ‘new year resolutions’ – some encouraging, some disparaging and some offering a ‘third way’ perspective.  Where do you fall on the continuum?

Regardless of your stance, there is a reason that humanity so consistently gravitates toward new year rituals.  I believe we are naturally wired to operate seasonally.  A brief look at nature shows us this rhythm: each year there is soil preparation, planting, hope, watering, weeding, harvesting, barrenness and then new beginnings.  In the winter, the farmer assesses the previous year’s experience, using that information to plan out the next year’s crops.  Seeds are ordered and excitement begins to build toward the possibilities next summer.  Is it any coincidence that those same activities seem natural to us in the middle of winter (New Year’s Day)?  Seems to me that adopting a crotchety attitude toward all of this is rather fruitless (no pun intended 🙂 ).  Thus, we have a choice: do we jump on the bandwagon of renewal or do we sit it out with the assumption that nothing ever changes anyway?

I’m a counselor so I’m sure it’s no mystery where I fall.  My entire field is about transformation so any excuse to move toward that is something to be excited about in my world.  I believe the key is realism.  I think this is where the bandwagon falls apart – we spend December in a whirlwind of comparison.  The holidays ramp up the social media highlight reel, making it that much easier to look at our own lives through a distorted lens which inspires a long laundry list of all that is wrong.  We spend December mentally beating ourselves up and by the 31st, we have created a herculean plan for life overhaul which we enthusiastically proclaim and begin on the 1st.  Only to fall flat before the first month of the year is done 🙁 .  Yeah….let’s not do that again.

Again, realism is key.  It is now the third day of the year.  I’ll assume we’ve basically come down from the high of the first day and we may already be casting skeptical eyes at our resolutions.  Before you abandon ship, could we explore some adjustments?  I’d like to offer a few suggestions:

  • Resolutions are goals.  They are nice for painting the destination but they don’t necessarily give us any idea how to get there.  We need to define action steps.
  • If you made more than one resolution, may I suggest that you choose just one?  What is most important to you?  Focus is vital!
  • Reflect on 2016.  What happened in this area of your life?  What were the specific things that held you back in this area?  Make a list of those factors.
  • For each item on the list – what specific action will you need to take to conquer that obstacle?  What routines will you need to develop in order to reprogram the way you typically operate?  What rewards do you need to set up to reinforce these new behaviors?  Break things down into a list of small, specific steps.
  • Break our your calendar/planner (paper or electronic) and start mapping out those specific steps throughout the entire year.  Spread out the steps so that you are doing no more than one new thing each week.  Don’t take everything on at once!  Stagger out the steps over time so that you make changes gradually – giving yourself enough time to establish each new step before moving to the next one.
  • Ideally, it is best if you schedule the steps at a particular time/day but at the very least, record a reminder on a particular day of the week (or repeated every day of that week if needed).  Consider setting alarms on your phone to remind you of things you need to do.
  • While you’re at it – schedule a monthly check in now to assess how you’re doing: what’s working and what needs to change.
  • What resources can you turn to for maintaining hope throughout the year?  (Magazines, Facebook pages, blogs, devotionals, etc.)  Sign up for those now so it is automatic.
  • Who can you enlist as an accountability partner/encourager?  Talk to them now and agree on specific contact: weekly phone call/text/Facebook message?  Consider including that person in your monthly check ins to help you assess and stay on track.

Transformation is extremely difficult but it is definitely possible.  As we’ve discussed before in this space, it is nearly impossible to do alone though so if you find yourself struggling to stay the course, if you can’t find effective support – please consider counseling.  Good therapy is one of the best ways to pursue renewal so don’t flounder alone!

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The great adventure!

November 16, 2016 by

Last week, we discussed expressive therapy.  This week, I wanted to discuss a related modality – adventure therapy!  This form of therapy is also active and experiential and utilizes a similar focus on process.  Clients engage in fun activities like ropes courses, rock climbing, kayaking, etc., in the presence of the therapist.  In expressive therapy, I explained that the product was not the center – the process is.  Similarly, with adventure therapy – the activity itself is not the center which means that the possibilities are endless.  What matters is that therapist and client choose an activity that offers some challenge, either physically or psychologically, to be overcome.  It is in facing this challenge and working through it together that transformation happens.  Your therapist is able to observe the way in which you approach the activity and offer encouragement along the way.  They take note of what emerges verbally and non-verbally.  After the activity, therapist and client discuss  the process to identify both the conscious and unconscious meanings.  The goal is to transfer the lessons learned during the activity into the life challenges faced.  It is one thing to discuss solutions and new perspectives.  It is another level entirely to actually apply new perspectives to novel challenges – providing an experiential testing ground.  There is an undeniable power in such tangible evidence..making it far more likely that you will actually apply what has been learned.

Like expressive therapy – adventure therapy bypasses the typical defenses we have in place for traditional verbal communication.  Participating in a novel activity opens us up in ways conversation alone cannot.  Though the research on neurological effects is sparse, it is reasonable to deduce that this form of therapy also utilizes unique areas of the brain, leading to results not achieved when sitting in a chair.  We have already proven that exposure to nature has profound healing effects on depression, anxiety and ADHD.  With most of these sessions happening outside, we have a double benefit.  Certainly, it is also interesting to consider how the physical activity of adventure therapy may bring healing to physiologically stored trauma.  In the end though, I once again emphasize the relationship between client and therapist as the safe container within which this work must occur if it is to be effective!  We’re excited to be looking at ways we can incorporate adventure therapy in the practice here at Phenix.  We believe these modalities, combined with the relational foundation of our therapeutic approach offer a powerful combination for healing and transformation.

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When talking isn’t enough

November 10, 2016 by

“Expressive therapies”.  Maybe you’ve heard the term – it has certainly appeared in Phenix content before.  However, you may not have clarity on what that means.  So what is it exactly?  It is the use of creative arts as a form of therapy.  This can include art, music, dance, drama, etc.  Unlike the formal practice of art however, expressive therapy focuses on the process of creativity versus a final product.    This form of therapy has gained popularity due to the fact that clients often have very well developed defense systems in place to protect them from cognitively/verbally facing their pain.  Even clients who enter therapy with full intention to deal with what needs to be tackled can find themselves struggling to  access their history and its attendant feelings.  Enter expressive therapies which utilize non-verbal forms of communication.  Drawing, painting, writing, dancing – these activities access a completely different part of the brain than talking does.  Thus, the results are often quite different.  Since most of us are not accustomed to communicating in this manner, we have not developed the complex systems of defenses we have mastered verbally.  As we awkwardly fumble through expressive assignments, we’re just trying to figure out how to follow the instructions, leaving us often unaware of the emotions and stories unfolding through our expression.  This provides a valuable window into our subconscious, undefended world.

What we produce in expressive therapy can be very enlightening: a poem or song composed, a picture painted – these pieces capture our often unknown world and together, the therapist and client step back and analyze what has been created.  It is a wonderful way to pursue the knowing of self that has been referred to on this blog before.  However, as we have discussed, this can be wonderfully fun and terrifying at the same time.  We are generally not used to the clarity of self that expressive therapy brings so facing the realities uncovered can bring difficulty.  We discover hidden strengths, but also carefully avoided shadows.  Though it is the product that is being analyzed, the process of discovery that this analysis entails is the true focus of the therapist.

Overall, process is the key to expressive therapy.  What the client feels and thinks during the activity matters.  What is happening physically is observed by the therapist.  All of this provides key insight into the emotions, history and meanings underneath client experiences.  These insights are what allow understanding to emerge regarding destructive patterns and provide the empowerment needed to change them.  It’s all about process which is a stark contrast to the product-focused society we live in.  Participating in this form of therapy often brings an entirely new dimension into the client’s life.  When its power is observed in therapy, there is a natural move to incorporate a process focus into the rest of one’s life as well.  What we have here is a win-win result!

An important aspect of expressive therapy has to do with information that we are just beginning to learn in the field of neuropsychology.  New information about the workings of the brain comes out every single day and while this is an exciting age, I often caution my students to maintain a humility with this exploding field…based on the fact that there is still so much we do NOT know.  That said, what we are finding so far is that trauma experiences affect the physiological tissue and workings of the brain.  This impact has been shown to correlate with physical illnesses as well as behavioral and cognitive patterns.  The race is on to develop a system of categorizing these brain changes and creating brain-based interventions that will address this physiological root of client struggles.  In the meantime, expressive therapies have shown early signs of healing effects upon the limbic system – parts of the brain responsible for emotions, survival instincts, and memory.  Traditional talk therapy does not seem to have the same power in this area of the brain!

Overall, expressive therapy provides a valuable tool in the therapist’s kit for accessing aspects of trauma impact that other modalities fall short with.  The same logic applies to brain-based modalities like EMDR, ACT or EFT.  My personal approach however is holistic which means I do not ascribe to a one-modality approach.  It is my firm belief that deep and long lasting healing requires a complex process that attends to the many facets of human functioning: verbal/non verbal expression and exploration of meaning, brain based interventions, as well as physical health – sleep, nutrition and movement.  I also firmly believe that all of this must take place within the confines of a healthy and connected therapeutic relationship because it is this connection that opens up the brain and heart to true transformation.  Stay tuned next week for a look at a related form of therapy that Phenix will be expanding into soon!

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Soul Seasons

October 29, 2016 by

As the weather finally changes here in central Florida, I have been reveling in the cooler temperatures.  Saturday night brought our first backyard fire of the season.  We’ve opened the windows and turned off the AC for days now.  Every morning, I sit on the back patio to drink my coffee.  As this change in weather has brought about changes in behavior, I am reminded of a book I read last year that I am still pondering all these months later.

Mark’s premise is so simple yet revolutionary at the same time: Just as our natural world has seasons which inspire/require different activities – so do our lives have varying seasons.  While I’ve been well aware of that reality, the part I never really thought about is the corresponding fact – those varying seasons require different activities and we can be intentional about making those adjustments. Yes, I’ve adapted my activities as seasons have changed in my life, but that was always a reactionary process, not a proactive one.  The idea that I could regularly assess my season and plan my activities accordingly was a novel one.

So according to Mark’s description, I am currently in a Fall season.  I have watched many aspects of my life wither away and die.  Yet, even in the midst of the “leaves falling”, there is beauty.  It has also been a time of final harvest, as I am reaping what I have sown in seasons past – for good and bad.  My activities at this point in time should be focused on “fall things”: reaping, storing, feasting and thanking.  Thus, I ponder what that looks like exactly for me.  I collect the harvest of my previous efforts – that means as blessings come to me (usually through the relationships I’ve invested in), I receive them instead of deflecting or minimizing.  Likewise, the consequences that unfold from the choices I made in previous seasons…I accept those as well instead of avoiding and excusing.  I store up the sense of closeness I have to God right now because I know that dark nights of the soul will come and I will need to remember this time.  I store up the blessings poured out for leaner times.  I store up the lessons learned from the consequences of my choices so that I can choose more wisely in the future.  I celebrate with gusto – all that God has done and been for me, taking time to count the tiniest of blessings.

Maybe you recognize the Fall season in your life too but perhaps your harvest is not at all pleasant.  Perhaps there simply is none or the fruit is bitter.  Mark addresses this as well with a few questions we can ask ourselves to get to the bottom of what is happening:

  • Who am I?  Am I living a life authentic to who God created me to be?
  • What is my purpose?  Am I living out my destiny?
  • What is my passion?  What makes me unique?  Am I living that out?

In the end, Fall is a time of assessment – reflecting on our planting and crop work to understand what worked well and what needs to be adjusted so that when Spring comes, we are ready with a plan that yields even better fruit than the cycle before.  Take some time to consider what season your life is in right now.  Get the book if you could use some help with that, especially with the business of focusing on the right tasks for your season.  Remember, counseling can be a wonderful tool for assistance in this process!

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Toxic Sea

October 13, 2016 by

At lunch with a friend today, we discussed our various stressors and life issues.  She paused and remarked that there was something we had not considered.  She went on to explain that she had to believe the larger context of what is happening in society today was taking its toll on our mental and emotional health.  Immediately, I believed she was on to something!  As we unpacked this spontaneous idea, it was sobering to stop and consider this larger impact.  Every single day, we are surrounded by social media posts, newscasts, reality shows, and casual conversation that disparage, discourage and dishearten.  The level of anger, fear and trauma that exists in our society may not be new, but its far-reaching broadcast is unprecedented.  Never in the history of mankind have we had such immediate access to the lowest dregs of human experience.  This has become our norm and as the old saying goes – fish don’t know they are in water.  When we are constantly surrounded by this acid rain, it becomes invisible…impossible to notice.  What we don’t see is absorbed without ceremony.  We don’t fight what we don’t observe.  That is frightening to consider when I reflect on what we are regularly besieged by.

This concern led me to sit down and draw up a battle strategy and I want to share it in hopes that we can confront this problem together.  Perhaps it will inspire others to make their own fight list.  My overall approach is based on the concept of ‘detox’.  If we are surrounded by a toxic world, then we must regularly take steps to combat this toxicity with some sort of cleansing.  Each week, I have a fasting day where I drink only liquids and everything I ingest is organic.  I always feel so good at the end of the day so I have a tangible experience to motivate me in this mental and emotional strategy.  Here’s what I have so far:

  • Develop a daily practice of taking a few minutes to notice the water we’re swimming in.  As I mentioned, we don’t fight what we don’t observe so this acknowledgement is the first step.  Use mindfulness techniques to take note of what messages are coming at you from the people around you and the media you watch/listen to.
  • Sabbath – whether you follow a faith tradition or not, you’ve probably heard this word.  I have come to believe that in my own faith perspective, the purpose of Sabbath is to re-calibrate my brain to my priorities and remind me that I am not God.  With this in mind, it makes sense to me Sabbath for each of us would look different in terms of what we do and don’t do on such a day.  What we each need to reset our brains and regain perspective on what we’re responsible for and what we are not will vary.  The trick then is to know yourself well enough to determine those needs and what activities will meet them.  (The real battle is setting aside a 24 hour period to make this happen but therein lies the lesson that I am not God – the world will continue just fine without me if I get off the merry go round for a day!).
  • Be intentional about exposing ourselves to what is noble, lovely, admirable, excellent and praiseworthy.  On a regular basis.
  • Cultivate friendships with people who offer life-giving words and make the effort to spend time with them.  `
  • Consider a recurring fast from all negative input: television, radio, social media, etc.  It is important to replace those things with something fulfilling so make a plan before you start.

I think this is enough to start with.  I’d love to hear ideas from others.  Each of us have unique mental and emotional vulnerabilities.  What I need for a cleanse is different from what others may need so the more minds contribute to this conversation, the more likely we can generate a list that has a little something for everyone!

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