Identity Archives - Andrea Tackore

Vision

October 28, 2022 by Andrea

Have you given up on dreaming big in this season of unpredictability and global chaos?

Wondering how you can recapture your joy for life?

Join us on a journey of building Vision!

I don’t know about you, but I feel as if the last few years have been an exercise in wandering – it has been so difficult to set goals, make plans or set expectations when at any moment, things can be upended. All of us dealt with the complete upheaval of life that COVID brought in 2020; many of us witnessed propaganda, viewpoints and behaviors from loved ones during global and cultural crisis that we would never have expected; thanks to ongoing supply shortages and the long-overdue revolution of a workforce tired of being exploited – gone are the days when you can order an item or step into a store and assume that it will be available at whim. Inflation is rapidly changing our financial expectations. Anyone who has traveled recently knows that we do well to hold travel plans loosely. Justin and Andrea took a vacation/scouting trip last summer where not.one.single.planned task or event went as intended. Not one. Coming home early was definitely discussed but it got to a point where it was downright comical how predictable it became that whatever we planned would fall through or be delayed in an endless variety of ways. Experiences like this have made it very difficult for many of us to generate motivation for specific goals or plans. I have said many times out loud that without a vision, the people perish.

What happens when we have no feasible vision for the future; when our days are a series of unfortunate dynamics – both globally and domestically? We become focused on the negative, the unpredictability, the instability, the worries of what’s next?. Problem is, the science of neurology tells us that we move toward what we ruminate on. I find that we so often focus on what is not as we would like or what we don’t want in our lives: I need to stop doing [insert dysfunction here]. The problem is, this thing we don’t want is the mental ‘vision’ before us and though we are running from it, we somehow find ourselves entangled in it. That’s because we must decide what behavior or thought we want to replace it with. What need is that dysfunction trying to meet? How can we meet that need in a healthier way? Time and time again, in my own life and in the lives of clients, success is finally achieved when we stop worrying about the thing we don’t want and focus on it’s desirable replacement instead! So, for example – instead of saying, why bother making plans – it will all fall apart anyway, we ask ourselves, what character quality do I want to cultivate in myself? and focus on the steps required to do so.

It is this understanding of the importance of focusing our brains on what we value that inspired me to launch a vision-boarding quest as we close out the year. The reality is, life is not settling back into ‘predictability’ anytime soon. The overdue bills from corporate greed and environmental abuse are coming due. War is brewing in a world that no longer has the luxury of dissociating from conflict in other hemispheres. Now, more than ever, we must develop the ability to focus our minds on possibility and values if we are to avoid throwing our hands up in defeat. I want to facilitate a fun-filled process of identifying what matters to each of us in this season and create together, a visual representation to which we can refer, throughout the next year.

Vision boards have been used for all sorts of goals: professional accomplishments, material possessions, travel wishes, physical milestones, etc. For the past several years, I have used vision boards to illustrate a value or concept that I believe God is emphasizing in my life at that time. As we take this journey together, you decide how you want to use the process. Is there a physical activity you want to train for? A goal you want to reach for at work? A place you want to visit? A value or characteristic you want to cultivate in your life? I will encourage you to distill the desires of your heart down to what is stable – what endures despite the unpredictability of our world.

Each week in November, I will post prompting questions on Facebook and Instagram, to help you tune in to where your heart is now and what matters most to you moving into the new year. I will offer general prompts as well as additional questions that invite a faith perspective to the process if that is of interest to you. Use these prompts to journal and reflect, building a vision that is authentic to you but durable in the face of uncertainty. These posts will show up in our stories as well as timeline on both platforms. On Instagram, I’ll create a Vision highlight for our stories so that this can be used anytime in the future.

In early December, I may host vision-boarding events, online or in person, (depending on interest), where we will make our boards together.

Filed Under: Mental Health Tagged With: Career, Hope, Identity, Leadership, Life Seasons, Mindfulness, Purpose, Transformation, Workshop

Living on the other side

August 2, 2022 by Andrea

Wondering what it takes to actually live the life you’ve dreamed of?

What do you need to know before you take the leap into living your life differently?

The promised land, where your new story begins…

I have written here about the general arc of therapy we follow. We have offered tips for maximizing each stage of therapy and we have written specifically about Phase Two – the grieving process. Today, I want to write about the final phase of therapy – activating the true self you have discovered and walking in your new story.

I have referred to the grieving phase as “the land between”, but embarking on this final phase of therapy is also a transitional season in a different way: A twilight zone between what you have deconstructed and completion of what you are constructing. Anyone who has had a house built understands that it is a PROCESS! One of fits and starts…which may find you living in temporary digs until the new house is ready. Despite the best blueprints, some things just can’t be understood until you see the pieces in place and you may realize, that’s not what I thought it would be. Back to the drawing board you go to choose a different faucet or refrigerator. The whole thing takes time with all sorts of surprise obstacles, but perseverance leaves you with the home of your dreams.

Moving from one house to another always illuminates your possessions in a fresh way, causing you to question why on earth you’ve kept certain things all these years. Some beloved objects have to be released because they simply will not function or fit in the new home. If you are living in temporary quarters, you are surrounded by the chaos of missing vital belongings that are in storage and not being able to permanently settle what you were able to keep with you. Likewise, here are the discomforts that come with leaving behind the life you deconstructed:

Most of the relationships you had before therapy were chosen from the adaptive self you are shedding. Hanging out with friends will often leave you wondering why on earth you tolerated the behaviors, talk and ways of thinking that you now see with clearer eyes. You may find yourself regularly irritated by family members who operate out of the dysfunctional patterns you now recognize. Bitterness and resentment become dragons requiring daily battle.
These folks from your old life are used to the adaptive self you crafted and may not know what to do with who you are becoming. They may not even like your true self, especially if you are no longer willing to offer what they used to get from you! That rejection truly stings…
This season of therapy can be very lonely as you find yourself distancing from those who operate under your old rules, but you have not yet built healthy replacement relationships. It can be incredibly tempting to return to aspects of the old adaptive self in the face of this loneliness. Some fade out of the therapy process at this point but they cannot unknow what they have learned, making their compromise existence a cruel game.
You may realize the job or career you are in is not a good fit for you. Perhaps your job is actually a toxic environment. Maybe the career field you spent thousands of dollars to prepare for will never align with what you now understand to be your strengths and what brings you fulfillment and joy. Again, the decisions you made about work came from the adaptive self you are retiring, leaving you in a situation that is no longer workable.
The old adaptive self is one you mastered. You know how it works. Saying no to the familiar is extremely difficult.

Living in transition and setting up your new “home” comes with many challenges. Temporarily crashing in someone else’s space is inconvenient, humbling and disorderly. Even after you’ve moved to your new place, there’s usually a stage of, “I’ve made a terrible mistake – why did I move here?” before you start meeting neighbors and finding new favorite restaurants and local activities to love. It’s the same when the rubber of therapy meets the road of life:

The new ways of thinking and behaving that will take you in the direction you want to go will feel awkward and clumsy. Very quickly, you begin to wonder if you can really pull this new story off as you move toward new friendships, romance, faith, calling, etc.
When our brains have been normed to the stimulation of dysfunctional life patterns, healthy people and activities will feel boring at best, downright unattractive at worst. It takes time to rewire the brain to enjoy this new existence.
You must retrain the people in your life, how to interact with you. This takes work and will not likely be well received. Conflicts will arise. A few will make it through this process, many will fade away or depart in a fiery blaze. Are we willing to let go of those who cannot steward well, who we are becoming?
For all of these reasons, embracing the true self is terrifying. Offering a committed “YES” to that which is true of you demands Courage with a capital C. Remember, courage is not the absence of fear, it is feeling the fear and moving forward anyway. That is the very definition of Phase Three therapy at Phenix!

Many people assume that once they have done the work of deconstruction and grieving, they need only find healthy people who have also done their work and relationships will be easy-peasy. Unfortunately, that is not the case at all. Healthy relationships between mature individuals take work but I can promise that it is fulfilling work. Forcing dysfunctional relationships to run is devastating work. I don’t know about you, but I’d much rather do the fulfilling work of assessing acquaintances for core relational competencies, learning and teaching about the nuances of each others’ personalities, building trust, and allowing others to meet our appropriate needs as we meet theirs. (Many clients find relying on others one of the most difficult steps to master.)

Then there is an aspect of this phase that I don’t think we talk about enough: It is one thing to intellectually assent to what was lost or never provided. It is another thing altogether to experience life as it should be – the dynamics you didn’t have before. Such experiential understanding ushers in a new level of grieving. This is a surreal, dual experience: moving forward in building the new story while simultaneously holding space for the sadness that comes with truly understanding what you were missing.

The foundational principle to establishing the new “home”, the true self, the new story, is the fact that commitment and action precedes emotion. You will not feel like doing the things that need to be done. Yet, we do not advocate a “fake it till you make it” approach. It’s not about bumbling around, creating a new adaptive self in hopes of getting what you want. It is about tuning in to what is true about you and aligning your actions with that truth versus the lies your old self believed. It’s mindfully walking in truth until your brain, body and soul have enough experience to actually believe it. It is one of the scariest processes you will ever undertake in life. Courage will be required in Costco-sized amounts but the payoff is worth it, just like that dream house we get to live in when the moving truck pulls away, the boxes are unpacked and the interior design has been fully executed. All those months of planning, crisis response, expense, letting go, cleaning, organizing, learning, choosing and moving are absolutely worth all the trouble!

Filed Under: Emotional Health, Mental Health, Relationships Tagged With: Boundaries, Career, Counseling, Grief, Hope, Identity, Psychotherapy, Rebirth, Relationships, Self Knowledge, Therapy, Transformation

Confessions of a Counselor Part 1

November 8, 2021 by Justin Cunard

Have you ever wondered what some of the hidden benefits or struggles are with therapy? Have you ever wondered how you came into therapy wanting to reduce anxiety, and a few months later you are grieving losses from your childhood, and seeing the world differently? You see, here at Phenix, we have a strong belief in transformational work, which is why you see the word ‘transformation’ on our website and all our social media accounts. We firmly believe in the process of long-term sustainable growth and change. Not saying there is anything wrong with solution focused approaches, but generally it is not our cup of tea. Within the deconstruction and reconstruction phases of therapy, there are goals put in place by the client. In our field we call this the treatment plan. The treatment plan becomes the flight path for the focus of therapy, but other benefits and challenges come along the way.

So, onto Confession #1

There comes a point in therapy where there is a point of no return. Not that you are forced to continue the process or that you must complete some mandatory journey, rather that your eyes and mind are now more aware than ever. You cannot unsee what you’ve already seen. You cannot unknow what you now know. The joy, pain, and sadness in the world will hit you in new ways and in ways you never thought about. Just because you stop therapy does not mean the new insights stop.

Since we are heading into the holiday season, let’s use the holidays as the scenery for this first confession. Maybe in years past you have joined your family for Thanksgiving dinner or Christmas Eve adventures, but you never were able to recognize the maladaptive behaviors and functioning of your family of origin like you do now. Maybe you begin to see and sense the sadness in your brother or mom’s eyes, even though they mask it with a smile on their face. These are the things you can no longer unsee and unfeel. Sorry. What you become aware of now causes the brain to create new neural pathways and it becomes a daily part of the ‘scanning’ your mind does.

It is like the old cliche’ car salespeople use when you are on the lot looking to buy a car from them. They usually say something like this, “You’re gonna be seeing a lot of these on the road.” Yea, that’s because they know your mind is now wired to be looking for the same new car/SUV as you wander down the highway. The car/SUV was always there roaming the roads with you, but they never stuck out to you because your mind never had a reason to cause it to come to your consciousness. Now it does. Has this ever happened to you? Where you went to the Ford dealership to check out a Mustang and now you see every new Ford Mustang on the ride to work. You cannot unsee the Mustangs….they’re everywhere ha.

Again, my apologies… sorta. Awareness is a part of the journey. Gaining awareness and insight into your functioning is amazing. It gives you the power and control back in your life to begin choosing new ways of responding, behaving, etc. The more you become aware of, the more you can change. The more you realize you can change, the more hope you have of a brighter future, and after the last couple years, I think some extra hope is a good thing. Join me next week for confession #2.

Filed Under: Emotional Health, Family, Mental Health, Relationships Tagged With: Counseling, Hope, Identity, Life Seasons, Mindfulness, Psychotherapy, Relationships, Self Knowledge, Therapy, Transformation

Living with chronic illness

January 9, 2017 by Andrea

It’s like having an uninvited house guest who contributes nothing, eats everything in the kitchen, occasionally damages the furniture and won’t leave despite all attempts to kick him out. Eventually, resignation sets in and you begin trying to figure out how you’re going to work around this vermin over the long-term.

A chronic illness diagnosis (cancer, diabetes, arthritis, to name a few examples) changes everything and what makes it a special kind of challenge is the complexity of the effects. Everything is connected to everything else and so it seems no matter how much time goes by, you continue to discover another area that is impacted by the diagnosis. Let’s break down the major categories:

Obviously, there are physical changes which come with the diagnosis. Those vary according to the specific illness. The consistent theme however, is the idea of limitation. Physically, your body just doesn’t perform in the way you are used to. Changes may be immediate or insidiously appear over time. Energy level is often greatly affected and thus motivation to accomplish what was normal for you in the past, wanes significantly. All of this leads to some form of identity crisis as our culture has so trained us to associate identity/worth with production. If I cannot function/produce at the level to which I am accustomed, what does that say about me? What makes me worthwhile?

Mentally – most chronic illnesses do impact brain functioning. At best, we may experience some mental ‘fogginess’. At worst, there may be physiological changes to the brain that result in difficulties with long and/or short-term memory or even personality change. Processing speed often declines and things like executive functioning may be challenged. It is difficult to determine which of these changes result from the illness itself and which are side effects of long-term medications.

Emotionally – the self-worth battle is a significant issue. As we lose major aspects of how we defined ourselves, we struggle to redefine and focus on what now makes us who we are. If we have always struggled with self-care, the idea of prioritizing self and doing what it takes to pursue health is a foreign concept. We may face spiritual crisis as we wrestle with the idea of a higher power that would allow this to happen. This current battle filters through the lens of all we have experienced. The meanings we have made of our childhood then, determine how we integrate this latest development. If those meanings are dysfunctional – managing a chronic illness becomes nearly impossible. One of my areas of special interest is the reciprocal nature of this domain. So many chronic illnesses have a correlation with unresolved emotional challenges. It is becoming clear from medical research that emotional trauma increases the rates of chronic illness. Thus, it makes sense that addressing emotional trauma would be a key component of preventing/treating chronic illness and that is one of my passions!

Socially – our loved ones struggle to adjust to the implications of our diagnosis. As we sort out the lifestyle changes needed to care for our condition, the aforementioned limitations; as we deal with our own changing self concept, we relate to everyone differently. If we are not aware of this, then we are not even able to help others figure out what is happening and thus, we collectively exist in a state of confusion and frustration. In the end, everyone is experiencing their own grieving process of the way things used to be and the envisioned future that now will not manifest as planned. Grieving is complicated (denial, bargaining, anger, depression, acceptance). Imagine a system of individuals all working through that process at their own unique speeds in the context of their own functional and dysfunctional coping skills and core meanings. Is it any wonder that it gets messy?! Suffice it to say, relationships are absolutely impacted, yet very little attention is given to this area.

Unfortunately, most medical teams do not take the time to inform, much less address these complex issues. Too many patients muddle through their diagnosis, unaware of the developmental impact and what are very normal implications. Our default is to always seek status quo (remember learning about homeostasis in biology class?) and so the aftermath of a diagnosis often looks like a constant battle to return to our “normal” with increasing frustration at the inability to do so. The scary part is that all of this then exacerbates our illness, making our physical condition worse and creating a vicious cycle of decline.

My hope is that this information helps someone realize that they are not the problem. That the struggles they have been having are perfectly normal in the reality of a chronic illness and that there is hope! Knowledge is power and once we understand what we are dealing with, we can create and execute a plan of attack. Just as the doctor delivers information, prompts options in need of research, creates the physical treatment plan and monitors progress – so too can the counselor educate on the developmental impact of chronic illness, highlight areas for exploration, as well as create the emotional, mental and social treatment plan. Carefully working on self-worth and relationships within the context of physical limitations is key. Constantly monitoring self-care: sleep, nutrition and movement is a requirement. Completing the tasks of grieving is necessary for transitioning into a new normal: taking inventory and accepting the reality of your losses, working through the pain of loss, adjusting to the new environment created by the current reality and integrating the old self with the new self. The best part is that this work improves physical outcomes so despite the difficulty of the process, it is definitely worth it!

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: Chronic Illness, Coping Skills, Grief, Holistic health, Identity, Mind Body Connection, Psychotherapy, Relationships, Self Care, Self Love, Somatic

Career Work

September 27, 2016 by Andrea

One of the courses I teach regularly is Career Development. As a result, that topic is regularly on my radar. I really enjoy teaching the class and love even more – working with people who are making decisions about their career. So, how does the process work?

Career development begins with knowing yourself. (Does this blog have a theme or what?) How can we determine our best career fit if we don’t fully know ourselves? Thus, the counseling process begins with working collaboratively to drill down to the true self – who God created you to be. I use a combination of the Career Style Interview (CSI) developed by Savickas as well as results from familiar assessments like the MBTI or the Strong Interest Inventory. Assessments are wonderful for identifying specific traits, interests and talents but if the goal is to get to know the true self, we have to go deeper and that’s where the CSI comes in. It offers a creative way to explore who you really are, the foundational ideals that define you, environments in which you thrive, how you deal with problems, and the deeper preoccupations that drive you. This gives context to the assessment results.

The second part of the career development process applies to clients who wish to include their faith journey. For this, I use Gordon T Smith’s book, Courage and Calling. It is the best resource I’ve found for walking through the process of discerning God’s call on our lives. Not everyone is a reader so perhaps we use the book on audio or I share the videos I’ve created from the book for the class I teach…whatever works to get into the material. Then, we digest it all according to your learning style: journaling, expressive projects or discussion.

The peak of the process is in stepping back and looking at all the data: the contextual picture of self, specific assessment results, and the spiritual principles learned (if we took that route). At this stage, I provide interpretation and suggestions to help you create the vision for your future that feels most authentic to your God-given purpose. Homework usually involves the research needed to craft your specific strategy – typically interviews with folks in your field of interest, visits to schools if further education is required, etc. With this information, we are able to set out a step by step plan for walking in your vocation.

Incidentally, as we work through this career focus, it is not unusual to uncover issues that need counseling attention: holes in self knowledge, self esteem deficiencies, unaddressed losses or traumas that hinder living out your calling. In such cases, you have the option to detour and attend to it, or simply make note of the need and commit to the work at a later date. Overall, the career development process can be one of the most enjoyable and fulfilling experiences in counseling!

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: Career, Career Coaching, Career Counseling, Counseling, Identity, Psychotherapy, Self Knowledge, Vocation

Self Care 4.0

September 12, 2016 by Andrea

This is the fourth and final post in a series on the topic. Return to the first post here…

In our last post, I offered a preview of the difficult path to self love. Even so, it is hard to truly understand the nuances of the journey until you are in the thick of it. Nevertheless, as you move forward, it is comforting to think back to these discussions, realizing that yes – this is what she was talking about. It is much easier to endure when you are confident in the normalcy of your experience and the payoff to come.

I mentioned that while you experience the challenges I detailed, there would be a parallel venture that would be vital in supporting your work. That parallel venture is the art of setting boundaries. From the beginning, we looked at the challenges presented by the over-full life that comes with a lack of self love. You forged ahead anyway, sensitive to these limitations but determined nonetheless. Baby steps are necessary at the beginning…only the most basic self care tasks can be incorporated successfully. Before long though, growing pains ensue. The more you get to know yourself, the more compelled you are to make significant changes in your life…to set boundaries.

Boundaries mark what is you and what is not you. What you are responsible for and what is not your burden to bear. They provide a portal at which it can be determined what is OK and what is not OK for you. Do you see the connection to self love? How can you determine what is you and yours if you do not know your true self? How do you know what is OK for you if you do not understand your value? Self love cannot be lived out unless space is created to engage in self care. This space is created through boundaries. Fences that protect what is important. Think about the lawn edging that protects the garden bed from encroaching grass and weeds. Thus, you have a symbiotic process happening: boundaries are impossible to determine and enforce without self love….self love is impossible to pursue without boundaries. That combination is what facilitates self care. Now it all makes sense why self care falls apart so easily!

It is extremely difficult to balance this delicate connection by ourselves. Once again, we see the need for an objective other to help us continuously monitor this balance in the midst of our crazy lives which seem to conspire against us when we set out to grow.

I hope that this series has been food for thought and that you are equipped to choose your partner/s for the journey. We’re here to help – individually or in like minded groups.

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: Boundaries, Counseling, Foundations, Group Therapy, Identity, Psychotherapy, Self Care, Self Esteem, Self Love