The Art of Undoing

Do you find that your plans usually don’t work?

Do you end up “winging it” after a while – with mixed results?

Has life convinced you that planning is pointless?

Realistic expectations.  A key to mental, emotional, physical health and…planning.  Is that a surprising claim?  Think about it; at the root of every disappointment, heartache and failure you’ve experienced is an expectation that was not fulfilled.  Sometimes, that is unavoidable when we are blindsided by the unforeseen, but many times the disappointment, heartache or failure could have been avoided if we started with a more realistic expectation.

First we reflect and dream.  If you’ve ever been exposed to a ‘funnel approach‘, you understand the creative benefit of casting a wide net.  When we begin with reflection on what has been, we can gain an honest assessment of what worked well, what did not and what our heart’s desires are.  From there, we set goals.  If we take the time to align our goals with our standards and boundaries, we are setting a target that is true to who we are.  Next comes planning and this is where things can fall apart if we do not take the time to examine our expectations.  Let’s look at common pitfalls:

• Life is dynamic – Many of us plan as if life is linear or static.  We set a goal, list out the objectives and begin the process with the expectation that if we simply follow the steps, we will move directly toward our goals.  You probably chuckled out loud when you read that, as most of us realize this is not how life works but if we are honest, we often plan as if it does.  We expect that the conditions present at the start of our process will remain static as we move forward so that we can concentrate on what we are trying to achieve.  We all know this is far from true – change is inevitable but when you are planning out the procedures for reaching a goal, do you take the time to consider: What changes will affect my process? What shifts are already happening around me?  What supports or factors am I counting on that may disappear?  What blessings may come my way that would make this goal obsolete?  When we plan as if life is ever changing, we will not struggle as much when the reality of that unfolds.
• Life is not a destination – I love a solid sense of “arrival”!  It feels so good to work hard for something and then finally attain it.  The problem is that we can wrap our sense of worth, stability and/or well being into a particular goal and that is always a setup for disaster.  Many of you reading this have learned the hard way that achieving that goal you set did not give you the sense of value, security or health you thought it would.  At least not long-term.  Instead of basking in your arrival, there is this creeping sense that there must be more.  Growth is lifelong, there is no point where we can sit back and believe we are finished.  Well, that sounds horrible…Who wants to live on an endless hamster wheel of striving?  That is definitely not the alternative!  Instead, let me trot out the trope of “life is a journey”.  Yes, we’ve seen it on a thousand cards, posters, mugs and t-shirts because, it’s true!  We must root our sense of worth, stability and well being in something higher than goals we achieve.  Psychology calls that a secure base.  Once that is established, our goals become opportunities for growth, not the thing that defines us.  When our goals do not define us, we can approach the journey with balance and less tension.  Detours happen on the journey and we have our secure base to slow us down, ground us, and help us find the path we need to be on.  As you plan your steps toward a goal, ask yourself what you are expecting achievement to accomplish for you.  You’ll catch the unrealistic expectations for value and security that set you up for burnout and disappointment.
• Rest is not optional – I’ll sleep when I’m dead:  We’re all familiar with hustle culture; the concept that good things come only to those who maintain the grind.  Perpetual productivity becomes the ‘holy grail’ with down time or self care dismissed as hindrances to success.  Capitalism requires continuous expansion and individualistic cultures offer little investment in a collective safety net, so for many of us some form of hustle feels necessary.  Realistic expectations demand that we respect the systems in which we operate so I must acknowledge this reality, especially in the USA.  However, while there may be little to no societal support for sleep and the art of doing nothing, our bodies need what they need.  This presents a dilemma that must be wrestled with in planning: What is the bare minimum pace I must maintain in order to meet my survival needs?  Are there other activities I can forgo in favor of the rest my body needs? (Note that rest is defined as sleep and quiet time for reflection.) What is at stake if I do not get enough rest?  What consequences have I noticed in the past?  Do my goals allow me to incorporate rest along the way and how do I make sure that rest happens?  Adjusting our expectations for rest allows us to avoid the inevitable mental, emotional and/or physical crash that comes when we let society dictate our expectations for constant effort.
• Life happens in cycles – Similar to the linear expectation that gets us in trouble, many of us plan with absolutely no attention to the cycles operating in and around us.  A quick glance at nature shows that everything operates in patterns of progress, rest, regression and renewal.  Yet we plan and operate as if we are exempt!  How would our planning change if we took into account the cycles at play from the reproductive cycle we women face to economic cycles, work cycles, individual mood cycles for those around us, to empire cycles, etc.  What cycles internally and externally affect your life?  Where are you in each of those cycles?  How do the various stages of each cycle affect your progress toward a goal?  Understanding the ebb and flow of cycles helps us build flexibility into our expectations and our planning.   The idea of seasons is another way to look at cycles and you can find a deeper dive on that here.

So, if you’ve reflected on your heart’s desires and set SMART goals, it’s time to identify the knowledge you’ll need to gain, the skills you’ll need to master and the day to day habits and practices you’ll need to cultivate in order to reach those goals.  Those are the specific components of planning.  Once you have them, come back to this post and review the expectation pitfalls against the objectives you’ve identified.

May I encourage you to complete a time budget: tallying the amount of time regular life tasks as well as self care and goal-directed tasks take.  Remember to include the time it takes to prepare for a task or commute to where you need to be.  Add in a 10% margin (that’s 17 hours) and see if everything fits into the 168 hours we all have each week.  Talk about working with realistic expectations!  Adjust your planning accordingly and you will have a much more effective road map for reaching your goal.

Your final step is to sit with your planner/life organization system, whether analog or digital and record your deadlines and reminders each day, week or month.  Block the times in your calendar that you will need to do the things that are priority for you.  Life comes at us fast so we must protect our time against the things that will very easily consume it.