How to Survive the Holidays: College Edition

How to Survive the Holidays: College Edition

Welcome back one and all to

our holiday survival guide!


This week’s post is for those of you out there who are trying to navigate passing finals, finishing the semester, moving, and surviving the holidays all at once.

Otherwise known as “college”.

This applies to those in undergrad, post grad, or doctorate level. There are just some similarities between all of them – primarily the stress level and the amount that is added to your plate late November through December every year.

Below are three guideposts specifically for you guys. I hope these help during this season and you are able to achieve the goal of not just surviving, but thriving.

 

Guidepost 1: Rest

The majority of individuals in college don’t have a problem with realizing how long their to-do list is during this time. What actually ends up being the problem is the lack of rest.

Your body needs rest, and no, 3 hours a night does not count, especially when you are living on coffee and red bull the next day.

As you are finishing finals over the next week and beginning to enter holiday mode 2.0, my encouragement is that you implement time to rest. Try allowing yourself to sleep for 6-8 hours at least one night. Have breaks during the day where you can walk, read, or just take a mental break. In order to function at its optimal level, your brain needs time to decompress. 

 

Guidepost 2: Nourish

You need food and water.

Yes, I know that seems self-explanatory. 

However, when our schedules get crazy, one of the first things to go (besides sleep) is adequate nourishment for our bodies. We start upping the caffeine intake, lessening the amount of water, and eating a full meal becomes a rarity. How much better do you think you would feel if you had food throughout the day and water to drink?

So let’s see what it would look like to change that.

Instead of picking a random goal, such as cooking three meals from scratch daily starting tomorrow, let’s pick one that is attainable. If you set goals that are easier to meet at first, it actually ends up encouraging you to keep going. If you set the goal too high at first and don’t successfully complete it, discouragement is the primary result. What would be an attainable, appropriate goal to set here? I would break it up so you have one for food and one for water.

 

Guidepost 3: Joyful movement 

Movement does wonders for the body, especially when dealing with a lot of stress or coming out of a stressful time. 

This doesn’t mean you need to go buy a gym membership and start tomorrow. Joyful movement isn’t based on weight loss, calories, or expectations. It is just movement that you enjoy. A leisurely walk, roller blading, yoga, dance, gardening, swimming in the ocean (it’s hot here in Florida), or walking the dog. All of these are examples of movement that can bring joy with no pressure. 

Meditative movement is also very helpful. This is movement you can do while letting your mind wander or focus on specific sensations in your body. I find both can be powerful. Sometimes for my walks, I just allow my mind to go. It allows me time to think through all of the million thoughts that are coming in at once. The walking helps my brain process them as well since my body is now involved. Other times, focusing on my body and the intentional relaxation of it is what is needed. This requires slowing down, deep breathing, and intentional thoughts. 

 

Guidepost 4: Celebrate 

Definitely couldn’t leave this one out!

Please celebrate.

You have worked so hard this past semester to finish so much. 

Pick something you enjoy – whether it be a specific place, people group, or food – and go!

 

How to Survive the Holidays Part 2

Welcome back to our holiday survival guide!

Last week, we explored how gaining awareness of ourselves and those around us is crucial in not only surviving the holidays, but thriving. 

This week, we explore the next three guideposts in surviving the holidays.

 

Guidepost 3: Time to evaluate

There are two main questions for this guidepost:

Was this Thanksgiving break a time of relaxation and reprieve (or did work become the escape)?

Overall, what do you want your holidays to look like? 

Both are great questions as we continue to dive into a holiday experience that brings rejuvenation, rest, and joy. I encourage you to journal or talk to a close friend about your answers here. Take some time and really explore them.

Thanksgiving was probably a good precursor to how the Christmas holidays will go. If it resulted in higher stress for you, this is the perfect time to evaluate what you would like to do for December. How you spend the time during the holidays matters. For many, this is one of the only breaks from work or school that they will receive all year. It is vital that there are some moments of rest.

Which leads me to the next guidepost… 


Guidepost 4: Know yourself and what you need

Here are your two main questions for this guidepost:

How do you recharge during your time off?

What can you add in during the holiday time to assist with that?

Again, Thanksgiving can be a great learning experience. If you felt burnt out or exhausted after this holiday, then you now have the opportunity and time to evaluate. How can you be creative during this upcoming Christmas vacation to add in moments of recharge and rest? 

For the clients I work with, I encourage them to add in moments that incorporate their senses, inner child, and relationships. Let me explain. Your five senses are used daily to experience the world around you. Each of us have things that we love to experience, whether that be through taste, sight, sound, smell, or touch. Adding in moments on a daily basis that bring you joy is so vital to thriving in this life. During the holidays, I know that a walk outside does wonders for my mood and stress levels. I love to hear the birds in the morning and spend time in nature. It helps me focus. For others, it is the feeling of a warm blanket wrapped around them with hot cocoa. 

This then also plays into your inner child. We are all passionate about different things. Incorporate those things this Christmas! Allow your creativity and playfulness to emerge. This can be through decorating the house, getting crafty, or implementing hobbies you enjoy (like baking cookies).

For moments that incorporate relationships, spend time with those around you who build into you, encourage you, and see you for who you are. These are the life giving moments that can happen as you take a walk with a friend, share a good meal with someone, or grab a cup of coffee since it’s freezing out. (Yes, I was born and raised in Florida. I get cold when a breeze blows.)

I would also encourage you to spend time with yourself. This is a relationship that is often neglected but so vital. Take a walk, read a good book, enjoy some yoga, build something new, or tear apart a car. This alone time is also recharging and necessary, just like the relational time with others is. 

And lastly…

 

Guidepost 5: No.

It’s a complete sentence. You are allowed to say it, especially if an environment, outing, or family member has been shown to be unsafe.

You are not obligated to attend any gathering or talk to every family member.

I know that this goes against so many things you have been told and is uncomfortable to even acknowledge. However, part of thriving during the holiday season is realizing that you can protect yourself, even here. You are worth protecting. (Read that sentence again.) You do not need to relive the childhood trauma you endured because the person who hurt you decided they want you to come for Christmas dinner. 

No is a complete sentence. 

 

Thanks for joining me on the guideposts to surviving the holiday season.

If you have any other guideposts you would like mentioned or broken down, leave a comment below and I’ll add them into the next post.

I hope you all have a wonderful holiday season!

Confessions of a Counselor Part 2

I guess I am going to turn this into a mini-series (check back to last week’s blog post). Except, I am not going to a Catholic Priest to confess and then do my penance. I have done that twice in my life though. I was a child and had no idea what I was doing. Had I been going to confession during my late adolescence and 20’s, the congregation may have had to toss me in the holy water fountain and hope for the best. We all have our histories right? Right guys?! Okay, onto the topic at hand. 

Confession #2: There are parts of your dysfunctional behaviors you will keep and that’s a good thing. Wait…what!? Read on…

In therapy you may ask yourself, “Do my dysfunctional coping mechanisms have any redeeming qualities or am I just highlighting it all, hitting the delete button, and starting over?” Good question. And every counselor says, “It depends.” Confession: That’s our go to response. I will say this post is most relevant to those of you who have ventured through the first 2 phases of therapy (awareness and grief), have gotten to the other side (no small feat!), and have begun the process of developing your new story. If you are not at this point in therapy, it’s okay, because if you stay the course this will become relevant to you down the road. 

I started this blog by mentioning dysfunctional coping mechanisms and whether they have to be eliminated completely or not. To simplify this blog, let’s focus this down a bit and highlight codependency as a dysfunctional coping mechanism. 

Codependency is a common struggle for many people. Confession: I am one of these people. Codependency is really centered around a thought and behavior process where you have learned to anticipate other people’s needs, meet them, and forget all about yourself. That is until you are frustrated and become resentful of the person you are rescuing. If you want more on this – come to therapy. 

As you begin to walk out your new story you may think to yourself, ‘Wow, I have to get rid of all this codependent behavior with my new story.’ Well, not so fast. There are gold nuggets and good that can come from even the most traumatic backgrounds. Where codependency falls flat on its face is when you forget about yourself and others’ needs become more important than yours. Well, a focus in therapy would be to learn how to voice yourself and let your needs be known. This is a great and amazing goal because YOU MATTER! The gift you attained with being codependent is that you know how to read people and situations and see what is needed or missing. 

Maybe you recognize a facial expression in somebody ahead of you in line at the grocery store. When they are at the register to pay and you already know the face they are making means they are short money. Maybe you have been there before and maybe now you have the means to pay the difference and be a blessing to that stranger. Your prior codependent skill of anticipating needs will help you in situations like this. How about that person in the office that people tend to take for granted? You notice that, that person has been sad and it looks like they need a pick-me-up. So, you intentionally bring flowers and a card to their desk reminding them they matter. Again, you see the need and the hurt, so you are able to take action when appropriate. 

You see, therapy isn’t a firesale of all things you, but rather a remolding of yourself. The authentic you was/is always there, it just got covered up by life’s unhealthy happenings. Hang in there. Stay the course. Keep writing that new story.

Every day I’m hustlin’

codependent

[koh-di-penduh-nt]
See more synonyms on Thesaurus.com
Adjective 1.
of or relating to a relationship in which one person is physically or psychologically addicted, as to alcohol or gambling, and the other person is psychologically dependent on the first in an unhealthy way.
Noun 2.
one who is codependent or in a codependent relationship.

“Codependent” is so overused at this point and has come to mean just about any version of an unhealthy relationship.  I want to use a different term – one I’m borrowing from Brene Brown’s vernacular…she calls it hustling for love.

I’m referring to this business of denying or minimizing self in order to be, do or say what another person wants.  We take care of things the other should be handling in order to make ourselves indispensable.  We hustle like this because we want to be loved.  We don’t trust that we will be loved as we truly are and so we put on masks, we become something we are not, we enable, in order to be what we think will be loved.  The problem with all of this though is that when love comes our way, only our false self can receive it.  Underneath, our true self never receives love and so we spend our lives unfulfilled and lonely, even in the presence of loving others.

The issue has been top of mind lately due to many conversations with a friend who has been focusing on this in his life.  What we have taken great notice of is the fact that once awareness is gained, once root issues of self worth are tackled, the ultimate step of healing involves doing: engaging relationships from one’s new position of awareness and worth.  But what if you don’t have any “others” in your life, qualified to take the journey with you?  What if you have only gathered others who need a hustler?  Who don’t know what to do with an authentic self?  This is an issue we don’t often see anyone discussing.  All the books and articles focus on what needs to change within us and how to behave differently, but I haven’t found anyone discussing the others.  So here goes:

  • When we begin the work of examining the way we relate to others and the roots of those relational styles, we must also begin the work of identifying the characteristics of healthy “others”.  Many of us have not been exposed to enough examples.
  • We need to also brainstorm where healthy others can be found and begin to position ourselves accordingly.  This may mean new social activities or increased involvement in groups we previously marginalized.
  • We need to communicate every step of our journey to existing, important others in our lives so that they have the opportunity to come along, to adjust to who we are becoming.  If we don’t communicate, we leave them confused, defensive and possibly hurt by our internal changes.
  • “We are not ourselves by ourselves” says Peterson.  These efforts to transform our social circle will go a long way in our own self knowledge as we bring stories from our interactions into counseling.  It is a key experiential aspect of therapy!
  • When we have achieved enough awareness and worked through some of the core issues of self worth, it is time to identify a couple of healthy others in our sphere with whom we can practice being our newly authentic selves.
  • From this point forward, it is all about relating in likely opposite ways to how we have before.  It is intentional and consistent.  This process needs to be a regular topic of counseling so that there is a constant feedback loop for learning.  It is a terrifying challenge but it is the final step in true transformation.  There is no other way to permanently change the meanings we have made of life experiences.  It is a messy business filled with mis-steps requiring honest communication from which to recover.  We may need to make a few changes in who we include in our tribe which then involves a grieving process for the ones who simply do not have what it takes to enter this new territory with us.  The payoff is a level of connection and relational joy we never thought possible.  Benefits that cannot be achieved with solely internal peace and knowledge.

Now it’s your turn…What aspect of mental/emotional health is on your mind these days?  What are you currently wrestling with?  I want this space to be useful!  I’m also considering doing a weekly Facebook Live which will focus on what YOU want to hear about, so give me your feedback.

Self Care 4.0

 

This is the fourth and final post in a series on the topic.  Return to the first post here

In our last post, I offered a preview of the difficult path to self love.  Even so, it is hard to truly understand the nuances of the journey until you are in the thick of it.  Nevertheless, as you move forward, it is comforting to think back to these discussions, realizing that yes – this is what she was talking about.  It is much easier to endure when you are confident in the normalcy of your experience and the payoff to come.

I mentioned that while you experience the challenges I detailed, there would be a parallel venture that would be vital in supporting your work.  That parallel venture is the art of setting boundaries.  From the beginning, we looked at the challenges presented by the over-full life that comes with a lack of self love.  You forged ahead anyway, sensitive to these limitations but determined nonetheless.  Baby steps are necessary at the beginning…only the most basic self care tasks can be incorporated successfully.  Before long though, growing pains ensue.  The more you get to know yourself, the more compelled you are to make significant changes in your life…to set boundaries.

Boundaries mark what is you and what is not you.  What you are responsible for and what is not your burden to bear.  They provide a portal at which it can be determined what is OK and what is not OK for you.  Do you see the connection to self love?  How can you determine what is you and yours if you do not know your true self?  How do you know what is OK for you if you do not understand your value?  Self love cannot be lived out unless space is created to engage in self care.  This space is created through boundaries.  Fences that protect what is important.  Think about the lawn edging that protects the garden bed from encroaching grass and weeds.  Thus, you have a symbiotic process happening: boundaries are impossible to determine and enforce without self love….self love is impossible to pursue without boundaries.  That combination is what facilitates self care.  Now it all makes sense why self care falls apart so easily!

It is extremely difficult to balance this delicate connection by ourselves.  Once again, we see the need for an objective other to help us continuously monitor this balance in the midst of our crazy lives which seem to conspire against us when we set out to grow.

I hope that this series has been food for thought and that you are equipped to choose your partner/s for the journey.  We’re here to help – individually or in like minded groups.