When a crisis/trauma/loss is ongoing, how do I grieve in the midst of it?
What emotional health tools can I access when the situation is not yet resolved?
We talk a lot about grief work here at Phenix. We firmly believe that the work of grief is absolutely necessary to mental and emotional health and necessary to the business of moving forward in a healthy way. That work (at least how we describe it) has a timing to it though. As such, there are a couple of limitations that we have identified over the years:
- The first year after a major loss is a time of daily reckoning with the absence – facing every new “first time without…” If you are attuning to your emotions in that process and finding space to share your stories and feelings – that is the work. That is enough. As you approach the first anniversary, some space opens up for you to be able to dive deeper into the processing and releasing that is grief work.
- When you are in the midst of an unfolding loss, even more is there a lack of emotional energy to grieve! How can you capture the nuances and details of the way loss impacts you when the story is still being written? How can you bring closure to your feelings of anger, hurt, fear, etc. when they are still being produced fresh and new each day?
As I have worked with many clients this year who are finding themselves in unprecedented times…times of deep disappointment, fear, outrage and confusion, the topic of grieving would come up. However, when each morning brings with it a new threat, a new loss – the principles of grieving felt out of tune and that limitation of grief work became glaringly obvious. I found myself bringing up the concept of lament as a much more appropriate practice in such a situation.
Not only am I intimately familiar with the concept of lament from scripture but I was inspired to return to a talk from Dr M Elizabeth Lewis Hall on the topic of lament to glean specific applications to these times.
First – what is lament? How is it different to grieving? From my perspective, I see a lot of overlap in these two terms. They are both associated with times of loss and/or wounding. They both may look similar from the outside but they differ in intent and outcome. The intent of grief is to move forward in life after a loss or wound. It’s process is one of accepting a new reality, working through the pain of the loss, adjusting to a new environment and embarking on a new post-loss life (Worden, 2008). You can find a deeper dive on grief here. Lament’s intent is to find ways to cope with suffering. It’s process is one of identifying a value, concept or Deity to turn to, presenting complaint, making a request and finding confidence that there will be a response. Lament helps us reconnect with (or find), meaning, trust and a focus outside ourselves. Doesn’t that sound relevant to these days?
So how do we practice lament?
It begins with identifying a Higher Power – some value, concept or Deity that you believe has influence and/or control over life. When life does not make sense, when suffering seems needless and unnecessary, the human soul cries out for explanation – someone or something to hold responsible. Some have decided that is not an option for them. They must rely on self regulation skills, community or physical practices/substances to help them move through seasons of suffering. For those who are willing to look outside themselves and fellow humans, the journey begins – to identify some force to whom one can appeal, in addition to those other resources. For us, it is a Triune God – Father, Son and Holy Spirit who I refer to as They in light of that Trinity structure. For others, it may be Love as a Divine force, for example.
Once you have a Higher Power identified, a relationship with that entity has to be cultivated. Under normal circumstance, do we feel comfortable turning to an absolute stranger to pour our hearts out? Even when seeing a therapist, it usually takes several sessions to build enough rapport to open up in an ongoing way. Similarly, if lament is to be useful, a relationship must be established and that takes time. It is counter-intuitive but the crazier life gets, the more important it is to set aside time for this connection. Think about the ways in which you get to know a new friend. What are the ingredients of that budding connection? Likely – conversation, doing fun things together and hanging out with mutual friends. Use these same principles in relating to your Higher Power. Justin and I have learned to use our imagination to set the scene for conversations with God. We specifically invite God to make Their presence known to us before we begin an activity. We hang out with others who also have a relationship with God, praying together and sharing our God-experiences with each other. Get creative and find ways to translate these ideas into connecting with your Higher Power.
In times of suffering, if this relationship and time together has been established, the rest flows more easily. We can bring our uncensored complaints to God. If you come from the Christian tradition, this may have been frowned upon in your circles but scripture absolutely refutes such prohibition. Not only is there a whole book of the bible called Lamentations, there is an entire category of Psalms referred to as Psalms of lament, not to mention the plethora of lament examples scattered throughout the Bible. Toxic positivity tells us that we should not complain. We should put a positive spin on every trial but psychology (not to mention scripture) does not support this approach! Think about a time when someone was able to help you see a difficult circumstance from a better angle…Did they steamroll over your emotions of distress to shove you in that direction or did they take the time to first listen, validate and empathize with where you were coming from? We struggle to change our thinking before we first feel heard and understood. Honesty and transparency is essential to trust, connection and support so present your complaint with your whole chest! Then, take some time to simply listen for a response of empathy. Perhaps it comes in words – thoughts that come to mind, or a comforting smell, a soothing melody, the sensation of a warm hug, or some other sign…
Next, we make our requests. Again, honesty and authenticity is key. Talk about what you want to see happen, even if your desires seem dark or frivolous. You have to let the vinegar pour out before the oil will come, so keep talking. I realized years ago that I had learned to be deeply suspicious of my desires. This book helped me uncover subtle spiritual messages about discounting and denying what I truly wanted instead of bringing it to God and recognizing They wired me in specific ways with specific desires They wanted to fulfill. That’s a conversation for another post; suffice it to say that letting your Higher Power know what it is you want and need is key to unburdening your soul. This is the place where you release the weight of your suffering into the hands of Another and yes, I suggest you speak out loud. Psychology tells us the power of simply telling our story and speaking our truth. I believe there is also a spiritual power in this practice that is a mystery I cannot explain, yet very real.
Lament always ends with surrender which is rooted in a confidence in the Higher Power. Though things do not make sense, though your complaints and requests are valid, yet will you trust the wisdom and power of that Higher Power who sees and knows much more that you do (hence the title, “Higher Power”). This is where the importance of cultivating a relationship comes into play. How do we trust something that we do not have a connection to? How do we trust someone we do not know? In this phase of lament, we return to stories. Stories from our own life history and that of other sojourners which testify to the faithfulness and presence of our Higher Power. It is in rehearsing these stories that confidence grows. If companionship and fidelity has been proven before, then it can be counted on again. “Surrender” has become a controversial word so let me define it more specifically here. Surrender, as an outcome of lament is the decision to trust the evidence in the stories. Trust that I am not alone in this. I am held and supported in my suffering by a Power greater than myself and that Power has my best in mind. It is choosing to rest in that belief. It is not leaving one’s brain at the door, so to speak, and blindly aligning with concepts for which there is no evidence (i.e. lived experience/stories of presence and faithfulness). It is also not resignation. I remember the moment when I realized I was confusing those two. God gently confronted me with the fact that throwing my hands up in futility with a decree of, “it is what it is” was absolutely NOT surrender. Ouch. Ever since, I have had to pay close attention to that difference because one leads to peace, the other leads to despair.
There you have the practice of lament which I believe is an important tool in such a time as this. If you are familiar with African American spirituals, you may recognize this cycle of address, complaint, request and trust. It is a cycle we return to as many times as needed while our trials unfold.
But what about grief? Sometimes there is an anticipated end which begins to bring up the need for processing. Sometimes, our suffering has no end in sight or it is way off in the distance. Either way, it can be helpful to document the losses within the loss that are unfolding – just a brief, bullet-point listing of what is going away or what is missing. This allows your brain to download this baggage and when the season comes to an end, that inventory becomes a launching pad for the grief work that transitions you to your next season.
What are your thoughts on lament? How are you using these steps in your own seasons of pain or suffering?
