Are you an enthusiastic goal setter but consistently find yourself losing track?
Did you forgo new year resolutions because they “never work”?
Do you feel obligated to set goals but have no energy to get into it?
Tune in for #realtalk on boosting your effectiveness when it comes to setting goals. We are coming off a month of reflection as we assessed our wins and growth areas from last year. Now, it is time to set goals, considering what we want for ourselves. I can almost hear the audible groan from some of you: Look around Andrea, the world is a dumpster fire right now and you want me to set goals? I get it…and still, hear me out 🙂
Goals don’t always have to be bigger and more. Goals can actually be about doing less and focusing tighter. You still with me? Let’s dig in. One of the biggest mistakes I see when it comes to goals is making them based on external expectations and comparisons to others versus our own deeply held values. That’s why reflection is so important…reflection is an important tool for knowing self – what works for you, what does not and what truly matters to you. Taking a look within gives you the important foundation for deciding what you want for your future. What we’re not going to do here, is run after what the rest of society is chasing. Instead, let’s take a look at your personal values.
Values are intangible concepts that show up in our day to day as standards and boundaries. For many years, I have taught clients that if a boundary depends on someone else’s compliance, that is not a boundary. Then, I came across material from Dr Raquel Martin on standards, boundaries, expectations and rules which beautifully crystalized what I’ve been teaching so I will borrow her constructs here. We cannot set realistic goals if we do not know ourselves well so standards and boundaries matter in this conversation.
As Dr Martin explains it, standards describe what we allow and what we do not allow in our lives. For example: I surround myself with friends who reciprocate honest and graceful communication. Another example is that I do not keep people in my inner circle who play manipulative games in relationships. If those are a person’s standards, it would not make sense for them to set a goal of getting involved in an organization that is known to have a toxic culture. She also describes boundaries as what we are committed to doing or not doing. Examples include: I am committed to reserving one day a week for restful, restorative activities, or I am committed to not engaging a restrictive, toxic relationship with food. Setting goals that will consume every free moment of my weeks or involves restrictive dieting would violate those boundaries. Are you seeing the connection?
For the sake of clarity, expectations and rules are the hopes and desires we have for what other people will do. Many of us make the mistake of considering our expectations to be our boundaries. For instance, I may say that my boundary is that you cannot yell at me when we are in conflict. Remember when I shared my teaching point of, “if a boundary requires someone else’s compliance, that is not a boundary”? That is an expectation. My expectation is that if we are in conflict, you will not resort to yelling. My boundary is that I am committed to exiting the conversation immediately if there is any yelling. Do you see the difference? An expectation communicates what I hope another will do and I have no control over that. A boundary communicates what I will and will not do and I have primary control over that. A rule is a mutually agreed upon principle that has consequences for violation. If both parties did not agree to the rule and if there is no independent consequence when one person violates the rule, then the whole thing is a waste of time. How many times have we set rules in our relationship that went absolutely nowhere? These differences are vitally important in managing our mental health and critically important in our goal setting as well. How many times have you set a goal for yourself that rested (at least in part) on the hopes and desires you had for someone else’s participation or support?
So, where do we go from here? Let’s break it down:
- Start with your values. Here is an excellent assessment that can clarify what matters most to you – https://personalvalu.es/ Feel free to use it as a jumping off point. It does not have to be the final answer but instead can be the inspiration for identifying the top 3-5 things that matter most to you in life.
- Based on your values, create a set of standard statements. Write down specifically, what you want to allow or prioritize in your life and what you will not allow in your life. Instead of saying, “I prioritize peace and harmony in my life” – ask yourself: What creates peace in my life? What does harmony look like to me? That line of questioning would lead to a more specific standard statement like, “I prioritize a consistent practice of solitude and quiet in my life”, or “I surround myself with people who are committed to repairing relational ruptures when they happen”. Aim for four specific standard statements.
- Next, ask yourself what you have to do or not do in order to maintain those standards. Those are your boundaries. Where do you have power in what you will and will not do? Again, be specific. Instead of saying, “My boundary is I protect my peace”, you would say, “I set aside one day a week for a time of sabbath rest and outside of a life or mental health emergency, I do not schedule anything else on that day”. Or, “I will not engage vulnerable conversations or activities with someone who has not repaired a rupture”. Aim for four specific boundary statements.
- Once you have your standard and boundary statements, think about what you want for yourself this year. That is the time frame we’re focusing on right now. What are your hopes and desires for community, emotional health, physical health or career? Brainstorm ideas and jot those down.
- Now choose one desire or hope and consider a goal you could set to help you actualize that desire. How would you need to change in order for that hope to come to fruition? Maybe I realize I do need to develop a regular practice of solitude and quiet or maybe I need to cultivate a new friendship that will be healthier than what I’ve had in the past. Remember, goals can be about doing less and focusing more. You may want to play around with a couple of your desires in order to finalize which one lends itself best to a goal for the year.
- Once you have a goal statement – check it against your boundaries and standards. Does that goal align well with them or would it require you to compromise a standard or boundary? This alignment check will save you a world of frustration.
- Now, back to being specific. It’s not enough to say, “my goal this year is to have more quiet time”. I need to get specific: “My goal this year is to have one day a week with nothing scheduled so that I can pursue restful, restorative activities”. Making things measurable helps a lot with specificity. Notice the difference between “more quiet time” versus “one day a week”. Make sure your goal has a specific measure – a trackable number.
- Is your goal attainable? Maybe I have a specific goal of building an inner circle of three close friends this year. Could I build a whole new community of friends in a year? Probably not. This goal requires the participation of others so we have to be very cautious. There’s nothing wrong with this goal on paper but because it has that tenuous component of involving others, we may need to focus in even more specifically. Number of friends is trackable but not within our complete control. So I might clarify my goal to be: I will participate in 26 connection-building activities with potential friends this year. The difference is, I have greater control over how many times I “put myself out there” and far less control over whether or not the people I meet have the qualifications for healthy friendship or choose to engage friendship with me.
- Circle back to your standards and boundaries to make sure you’re still in alignment.
- Now, ask yourself – what obstacles will I face in pursuing this goal? How will I overcome those? This is your reality check. You walk a fine line here between recognizing that change is always challenging AND there are systems and factors in place that you cannot control. Maybe you’re a single mother of 2 without a strong community of support and you literally cannot remember the last time you had a day to yourself. This is the step where you adjust your goal from a weekly day of quiet to a monthly or even quarterly day of quiet. Maybe, as you consider what you would have to overcome to reach your goal, you realize that there is a specific obstacle that should be your focus instead of the original goal. For example, I want to pursue healthier friendships and I set the goal of 26 connection-building activities but as I consider the obstacles, I realize that my job sucks every bit of life and energy out of me and I rarely have the energy to think of creative connection, to show up to events where I could meet people, or plan/choose said connection-building activities. This is the point where I realize my goal needs to be directed at fixing my job situation first. If that is not realistic at this point, perhaps I change my goal to a focus on recovery from work with a commitment for one small step I can take this year toward a long-term job change.
- Remember to check in with your standards and boundaries to make sure that your final goal is in alignment.
Notice we haven’t made a plan yet. Just this process of self awareness and goal setting is more than enough and requires time and attention if it is to be effective. For now, place your standard and boundary statements somewhere you will see them regularly and set a reminder in your calendar for a regular interval (weekly, monthly?) where you will honestly examine your daily choices to see if you are living in alignment with your standards and boundaries.
Stay tuned next month, we will look at planning from a realistic perspective so take the time now to examine within and to decide what you truly want for yourself!
