Did you know that almost exactly a year ago, the US Surgeon General issued a public health advisory about the impact of modern stresses on parents’ mental health?!

These advisories have been issued on the dangers of smoking, gun violence and loneliness so we are talking serious health concern here!  The report describes parents as, “completely overwhelmed”, “so stressed they couldn’t function” and “numb”.  Can you relate?  I think it’s a common claim that parenting today is harder than it ever has been.  My gut reaction is a hearty “yes” but upon further reflection, I have to wonder.  When I think about parenting in previous eras when resources were far less and societal struggles (like the great depression) were beyond what we can imagine, I have to pause.  Is it that our circumstances are actually more difficult or has our definition of successful parenting created a standard guaranteed to make parenting a recipe for burnout?  I think it’s both.  I believe we have unprecedented challenges to face as parents AND we have created an impossible standard of success in a system not designed to support us in pursuing that standard.  Maybe that combination is what makes things more difficult than it ever has been?

If you’re looking for validation, real talk, encouragement and a sense of direction…stay with me. 

What are the unprecedented challenges?  Buckle up – let’s name them:

• Start with the impact of technology on the brain development of infants and toddlers – Research is showing less developed white matter, changes in cortical thickness (outer layer of the brain), and changes in how the prefrontal cortex activates for little ones who spend significant time in front of screens.  These structural changes show up in shorter attention spans, difficulty focusing, changes in language development, thinking skills, social connections and self management. Some would argue that these changes are necessary for the world these kids will live in and nothing of modern use is lost for them.  If traditional forms of social interaction go by the wayside, reliance on AI thinking increases, and faster media which does not require extensive attention spans take over – are these changes a bad thing?  Maybe not.  However, I remain concerned about impairments in language, critical thinking, empathy, impulse control and self regulation.  As kids get older, there is a strong connection between device usage and poor mental health but that does not equal causation.  Device usage could simply be a proxy for something else that is the actual cause.  For example, could kids be using a device more because they have less social connection and caregiver attunement?  In that case, the device isn’t the problem, the isolation is.  This is just a common sense illustration; I haven’t looked for research this specific.  My point is, we cannot jump to hard and fast rules; we are working with a moving target when it comes to what is problematic and what is progress.
• The rise of social media – We’ve all seen the reports on how social media use causes mental health difficulties in kids and teens.  The connection is more than correlation, scientists have dared to suggest causation but there is still much argument on how linear the effect actually is.  I can understand the power though, when we remember that comparison is the thief of joy and devices lessen empathy.  We all know that social media is a “highlight reel”, meaning we are looking at other people’s best moments or enhanced versions of what actually happened.  There are now easily accessible apps that will significantly change your face and body to match whatever society deems “attractive” that day.  In the face of unattainable joy and physical perfection – anxiety, depression and poor body image seem inevitable.  Not just for the kids…parents are not immune.  Every dad and mom on social media is bombarded with versions of parenting to which they can never measure up.  We know that social media companies intentionally harness the brain’s reward systems to foster addiction to their product – leaving kids and parents more connected to their devices than each other.  We also recognize that the screen which separates us from the actual impact of our words on another, fosters a level of bullying and hatred we’ve never seen before.  Kids/teens are actually encouraging self harm and destruction in others as part of a hatred campaign against those deemed “out”.  Grown adults are targeting parents on social media with the most hateful commentary on every aspect of how they parent.  Such vitriol temporarily makes the bully feel powerful and often earns them social credit with a peer group, but has led to untold deaths by suicide and all manner of troubling mental health impacts on kids, teens and parents.  Even if we escape all of these issues, there is the classic “blue light” effect which disrupts our sleep and don’t get me started on the severe consequences of sleep deprivation!  Beyond all this, while social media can be the start of, or supplement to, beautiful friendships – they just don’t erase loneliness the way in-person relationships do.
• A sub-effect of social media is ‘sharenting’ – the rise of parents sharing their parenting journey (and thus their children) on their platforms.  This perhaps started as a way to build community and create validation but quickly morphed into a money making endeavor.  As this trend took off, safety concerns emerged as parents were attacked in their comments by complete strangers and children’s faces were exposed to the point they became recognizable personalities in public.  Experts wondered what effect this kind of exposure, living on the internet forever, would have on kids’ development, not to mention the ways in which this trend contributes to the comparison dynamic that leaves so many parents feeling inadequate.  Some have argued this is no different than family photo albums of the past, but those albums had controlled access.  Unlike our connections on social media who generally can see whatever we post, regardless of their level of intimacy with us, we got to choose who we broke out the photo albums or slide shows for.  Those were shared with only the people who had earned that access.  As kids got older, they could have a say in that access and when parents were gone, they retained complete control over the exposure of their history.
• The rise of mental illnesses – There is no question that we are seeing a greater prevalence of mental illness in our population than generations past.  Greater minds than mine have not settled the debate on causes: Are we simply more aware of and able to label what has always existed at the same prevalence?  Are those with mental illness living longer and thus passing on vulnerable genetic markers? Are environmental toxins or agricultural practices negatively impacting brain development?  Are we seeing the epigenetic effects of generational trauma?  I suspect it is a perfect storm of all of the above, versus one factor we can point to.  For the every-day parent trudging through the details, causes are irrelevant.  When my kid has been diagnosed with bipolar I or as a parent, my PTSD is triggered – I just need to get through the day.
• Economic pressures – The cost of raising a child born in 2025 to age 18 in the USA is estimated at over $276,000!!  Yes, that’s 6 digits and a comma!  And what about college or trade school expenses, not to mention continued financial support in their twenties and beyond?  The current yearly cost estimate of just one child is around $23,000, which if you’re doing the math, means that the final cost will be far above the 18 year estimate as pricing for housing, food, transportation, healthcare, education, etc. rises daily.
• Lack of community – Our society is more fragmented than ever due to the above factors.  Add to that, the mobility of parents chasing better economic settings and you have many kids being raised far from extended family.  There is also a cultural dynamic, rooted in American rugged individualism that believes – your kid, your problem.  We have a minimal sense of collective responsibility for the welfare of children in a practical sense.  This leaves parents raising kids with higher expectations and less support than ever.  Even mom or dad groups often miss the mark, as they create a place for venting and validation but not necessarily the practical, hands on assistance and mentoring that was the norm in eras past.
• Minimal progress in partner division of labor – Dads who take on a decent share of cleaning, cooking and child care are still in the minority.  Of those who do step up, many moms are the ones coordinating efforts and making sure that details are handled.  This leaves women still carrying the greater share of unpaid housework, childcare and the mental load of running a household.  The struggle is complicated for stay at home moms who are often expected to be on duty 24/7 versus the standard 40 hour work week.
• Lack of self care – It isn’t rocket science to see where all of this is going: minimal time for parents to attend to their physical, social, mental and spiritual health.  This leaves them ill equipped to face the “unprecedented challenges” of the day.

So, if you’ve been feeling like parenting is harder than you expected…perhaps harder than you can handle – here’s your confirmation that IT IS NOT YOU.

Society has responded to these challenges with parenting trends.  Yeah.  These fads all come from people genuinely trying to be helpful but in the end, they often just make us feel like failures as we try to follow the recommendations without the resources (mental, emotional, physical, or financial) to do so.  Let’s look at a few:  

• Gentle parenting – at its core, this approach is about treating kids as actual humans with their own feelings and thoughts.  It called for slowing down the discipline train and attuning to why kids are saying or doing whatever they are saying or doing.  Over time, this approach took on a very permissive slant, leading to a backlash against this style.   Somewhere along the way, parents missed the fact that this approach was never meant to leave kids without firm boundaries.
• Safetyism – this approach places children’s safety from physical and emotional hurt above all else.  Any childhood mishap or difficult emotion is the direct failure of the parent to protect.  When we see the memes of the metal playground equipment, questionable foods and lack of helmets and car seats from the past, this approach makes sense.  We are horrified!  It’s not a far reach however, into an anxious life, lack of resilience and minimal skills for critical thinking and problem solving.
• Free-range – perhaps as a backlash to safetyism, this approach gives kids autonomy, independence and freedom to explore and learn from the world around them.  This was the norm for most of us Gen X folks but these days, this style often leads to judgment with parents having the police called on them for things like letting a child play alone in a backyard.  One mom in GA was hauled off to jail when her nearly 11-year-old son walked unsupervised to a store that was just under a mile from their home.  Mind you, he did not have her permission to do so, he was left at home while mom took a younger sibling to the doctor.  There is also the reality that some parents are not mindfully cultivating autonomy – they are simply neglectful.  Attunement and connection are key when fostering healthy independence.
• Lighthouse parenting – this is a relatively newer term used to describe a moderate style that combines firm boundaries and emotional support while letting children figure out their own challenges.  There’s no official research using this term yet, as far as I know, but the way I see it, it seems like a glow-up repackaging of ‘gentle parenting’ since that term got so completely abused and misrepresented.
• Authoritarian parenting – this is the style many of us grew up with where the child is expected to meet the parents’ standards with little emotional support.  Rules are to be obeyed with swift punishment for violations.  Explanations are few and negotiations are not a thing.  This generally results in well-behaved children but little critical thinking skill and compromised social and emotional development.

What is a modern parent to do?  All of these challenges.  All of these parenting styles.  Every parent is different.  Every child is different.  There is no one right answer.  What I can offer is a few guiding principles:

1. Above all else, tend to your own story.  The greatest thing you can do to improve your parenting is to understand, process and grieve your own stuff.  How we react, and how we try to teach our children is a direct result of our upbringing.  We either seek to do the opposite of what we experienced (and opposite does not equal better), we fall into the unhealthy defaults of our family of origin, or we try to replicate what we had in a world that no longer supports it.  Investing in the process of understanding the ways in which we were shaped by our family of origin, grieving the ways in which that process missed the mark, and then learning how to manage our reactions rooted in that story is the single most effective strategy for improving your ability to shepherd your child’s heart into adulthood.
2. Put your oxygen mask on first.  Your children will not benefit if they have all the materials, the lifestyle and the activities but not their parents’ whole and healthy selves.  Prioritize your mental, social, physical and spiritual health in your schedule.  Literally, sit down and block out the time to handle these priorities.  What is left goes to everything and everyone else.  Does that mean maybe less extra curricular activities or less possessions for your kids?  Yes (for most households), but this less is more because what your children gain is so much more valuable: self regulated parents who are able to attune to their thoughts and feelings, respond to their emotional needs, engage them as little people, hold space for their difficult emotions and repair the relationship when they make mistakes (as all parents do).
3. Focus on the outcome.  The ultimate goal in parenting is for your kids to be seen and valued by you and to know that you are committed to their highest good, even if you have to make them unhappy.  Everything else – character, values, skills…flows from that foundation.  Your relationship with them matters more than their accomplishments or obedience.  Not a, “my kids like me and think I’m great” kind of relationship.  Sure…we’ll have those days which are really nice.  No.  I mean a deeper relationship, rooted in stability and security.  One that values the dignity and worth of each person, takes joy in the other and recognizes the responsibility the parent has to make wise decisions, even if they are not popular.

These three principles transcend any parenting fad.  They provide anchors in the stormy seas that keep us from drifting off with every wave.  In the midst of whatever parenting situation you face today you can slow down to ask:

• What is being triggered for me in this situation?
• How can I take a pause to self regulate, eat, connect with someone who can help my perspective or get some rest before I make a decision?
• What can I say or do in this moment to ensure my child feels heard, seen and valued?

These questions may seem simple in the face of complex issues but I absolutely promise they will take you in the right direction.  Read the books, listen to the podcasts, peruse the trends of the day but when you keep returning to these principles and these questions, you will find your way.