Are you feeling a misalignment in your life?

Misalignment in relationships, career, location, or other context?

Did the situation change or did you?

Does the thought of starting over scare you?

I am no stranger to these uncomfortable spaces in life where the discrepancy between who you are and where you are cannot be ignored!  Many of us will stuff this awareness, twisting ourselves into pretzels to fit the circumstance.  Yes, we know it’s not ideal but the reasons for avoiding change are obvious:

• The devil you know is better than the devil you don’t…allegedly.  The human brain craves familiar so even in the midst of dysfunction, we will prioritize familiar impairment over the unknown.
• We grew up in an environment that did not encourage us to begin again if something wasn’t working.
• We’ve internalized messages around walking away as being a quitter.  We don’t want to be that shameful person when perseverance has been sold as the greater virtue.
• Even if we wanted to make a change, we have absolutely no clue where to begin.

So, it’s not that we are gluttons for punishment, we simply have solid, pre-programmed beliefs that keep us stuck.  Stay with me and let’s explore a simple (but not easy) framework that can help you get unstuck and identify possibilities.  How many times have you made a change – pursued a new job, ended a toxic relationship, or tried something new and realized you’re so much better off?  It may have been a really tough change.  Maybe it took a while for you to make peace with it but eventually, you became thankful for the shift.  We have the evidence that starting over is often very much worth the pain!

Years ago, I was bit by the travel bug and as I explored the world, I identified a country I felt most like myself – planting the desire to move.  This was the beginning of step one in starting over: recognizing a misalignment.  As an academic, one of my subject specialties was cultural competency.  I had to consume a lot of research on the topic in order to teach my course and as I traveled, I made an intentional effort to challenge my assumptions as I had taught my students to do.  This exercise opened my eyes to the various options across the world when it comes to what is prioritized and what is frowned upon in a culture.  Have you ever explored another state, observed a friend’s relationship, or talked to someone about their job and begun to realize that there are better options out there than you had assumed?

One of the things I led my students in doing was identifying their cultural values so that they could compare and contrast with the cultural values of others.  Building clarity in this area makes communication and connection far more effective so I examined myself and constantly observed the world around me.  When my marriage ended, I was in a mandatory reboot phase which is a perfect time to break out of the matrix.  My travels helped me with step two of starting over – redefining my core values.  Every time I would visit family in one particular European country, not only did I simply feel more “at home” but my self examination and cultural observation showed me that the economic system and social structures more closely aligned with my newly clarified values.  As you consider spaces where you feel uncomfortable, take the time to identify what core values you hold that are not present within your circumstance.  This will help you to identify if you truly need to start fresh or simply restructure things.  (Processing with the truth tellers in your life will help you make this distinction.)

Step three of starting over is recognizing that even when there is a sudden shift, the process of building the new thing happens incrementally.  There is no quick fix (that is sustainable anyway).  Personally, I wrote down a five year plan to emigrate.  I am a girl who loves a good plan and has an excellent track record of follow through but God’s sense of humor in funneling me into a relationship completely derailed my scheme.  Fast forward three years and the desire to move re-emerged, this time with an intensity that felt like need, not just want.  The values discrepancy had begun to feel risky.  By this point, I was newly wed, so the decision needed to be a joint one.  Five years later, with need at peak levels, the decision was made to move forward.  Sixteen months later, we made it to our new home country!

Resist the assumption that you have to build a parachute during your free fall.  Now that you understand what your core values are and the misalignment you are in – what options do you have for better alignment?  Whom do you know who has successfully made a similar change?  Pioneers are incredibly helpful with practical information as well as encouragement that change can happen!  Such guides can be public figures who share their journey if you don’t have anyone in your immediate circle.  Either way, they can help you identify and examine your options.  Which option seems most accessible?  If you were going to build that new situation mindfully, what steps would you need to take?  Write down a plan – even if it is a multi-year one.  We often over-estimate what we can do in one year but grossly under-estimate what we can do in two or more.

We did not end up in Europe and this is where that values clarification (for both of us) was key.  Because we were clear on what mattered most to us, we were able to pivot from the original plan to an alternate location that was very different but still represents alignment!  Building this solid core helps you to navigate the inevitable detours you will encounter.  Now, get pen and paper out, read this post again and answer the questions for yourself.  Next, find the helpers who will walk with you as you start over.  We are not wired to make major changes alone.  To hear more about our story of starting over – check out the Shaking the constructs series posting over the next few months on our YouTube channel.