Self Knowledge Archives - Page 2 of 2

Confessions of a Counselor Part 2

November 15, 2021 by Justin Cunard

I guess I am going to turn this into a mini-series (check back to last week’s blog post). Except, I am not going to a Catholic Priest to confess and then do my penance. I have done that twice in my life though. I was a child and had no idea what I was doing. Had I been going to confession during my late adolescence and 20’s, the congregation may have had to toss me in the holy water fountain and hope for the best. We all have our histories right? Right guys?! Okay, onto the topic at hand.

Confession #2: There are parts of your dysfunctional behaviors you will keep and that’s a good thing. Wait…what!? Read on…

In therapy you may ask yourself, “Do my dysfunctional coping mechanisms have any redeeming qualities or am I just highlighting it all, hitting the delete button, and starting over?” Good question. And every counselor says, “It depends.” Confession: That’s our go to response. I will say this post is most relevant to those of you who have ventured through the first 2 phases of therapy (awareness and grief), have gotten to the other side (no small feat!), and have begun the process of developing your new story. If you are not at this point in therapy, it’s okay, because if you stay the course this will become relevant to you down the road.

I started this blog by mentioning dysfunctional coping mechanisms and whether they have to be eliminated completely or not. To simplify this blog, let’s focus this down a bit and highlight codependency as a dysfunctional coping mechanism.

Codependency is a common struggle for many people. Confession: I am one of these people. Codependency is really centered around a thought and behavior process where you have learned to anticipate other people’s needs, meet them, and forget all about yourself. That is until you are frustrated and become resentful of the person you are rescuing. If you want more on this – come to therapy.

As you begin to walk out your new story you may think to yourself, ‘Wow, I have to get rid of all this codependent behavior with my new story.’ Well, not so fast. There are gold nuggets and good that can come from even the most traumatic backgrounds. Where codependency falls flat on its face is when you forget about yourself and others’ needs become more important than yours. Well, a focus in therapy would be to learn how to voice yourself and let your needs be known. This is a great and amazing goal because YOU MATTER! The gift you attained with being codependent is that you know how to read people and situations and see what is needed or missing.

Maybe you recognize a facial expression in somebody ahead of you in line at the grocery store. When they are at the register to pay and you already know the face they are making means they are short money. Maybe you have been there before and maybe now you have the means to pay the difference and be a blessing to that stranger. Your prior codependent skill of anticipating needs will help you in situations like this. How about that person in the office that people tend to take for granted? You notice that, that person has been sad and it looks like they need a pick-me-up. So, you intentionally bring flowers and a card to their desk reminding them they matter. Again, you see the need and the hurt, so you are able to take action when appropriate.

You see, therapy isn’t a firesale of all things you, but rather a remolding of yourself. The authentic you was/is always there, it just got covered up by life’s unhealthy happenings. Hang in there. Stay the course. Keep writing that new story.

Filed Under: Emotional Health, Mental Health, Relationships Tagged With: codependency, Counseling, Hope, Psychotherapy, Relationships, Self Care, Self Esteem, Self Knowledge, Self Love, Therapy, Transformation

Confessions of a Counselor Part 1

November 8, 2021 by Justin Cunard

Have you ever wondered what some of the hidden benefits or struggles are with therapy? Have you ever wondered how you came into therapy wanting to reduce anxiety, and a few months later you are grieving losses from your childhood, and seeing the world differently? You see, here at Phenix, we have a strong belief in transformational work, which is why you see the word ‘transformation’ on our website and all our social media accounts. We firmly believe in the process of long-term sustainable growth and change. Not saying there is anything wrong with solution focused approaches, but generally it is not our cup of tea. Within the deconstruction and reconstruction phases of therapy, there are goals put in place by the client. In our field we call this the treatment plan. The treatment plan becomes the flight path for the focus of therapy, but other benefits and challenges come along the way.

So, onto Confession #1

There comes a point in therapy where there is a point of no return. Not that you are forced to continue the process or that you must complete some mandatory journey, rather that your eyes and mind are now more aware than ever. You cannot unsee what you’ve already seen. You cannot unknow what you now know. The joy, pain, and sadness in the world will hit you in new ways and in ways you never thought about. Just because you stop therapy does not mean the new insights stop.

Since we are heading into the holiday season, let’s use the holidays as the scenery for this first confession. Maybe in years past you have joined your family for Thanksgiving dinner or Christmas Eve adventures, but you never were able to recognize the maladaptive behaviors and functioning of your family of origin like you do now. Maybe you begin to see and sense the sadness in your brother or mom’s eyes, even though they mask it with a smile on their face. These are the things you can no longer unsee and unfeel. Sorry. What you become aware of now causes the brain to create new neural pathways and it becomes a daily part of the ‘scanning’ your mind does.

It is like the old cliche’ car salespeople use when you are on the lot looking to buy a car from them. They usually say something like this, “You’re gonna be seeing a lot of these on the road.” Yea, that’s because they know your mind is now wired to be looking for the same new car/SUV as you wander down the highway. The car/SUV was always there roaming the roads with you, but they never stuck out to you because your mind never had a reason to cause it to come to your consciousness. Now it does. Has this ever happened to you? Where you went to the Ford dealership to check out a Mustang and now you see every new Ford Mustang on the ride to work. You cannot unsee the Mustangs….they’re everywhere ha.

Again, my apologies… sorta. Awareness is a part of the journey. Gaining awareness and insight into your functioning is amazing. It gives you the power and control back in your life to begin choosing new ways of responding, behaving, etc. The more you become aware of, the more you can change. The more you realize you can change, the more hope you have of a brighter future, and after the last couple years, I think some extra hope is a good thing. Join me next week for confession #2.

Filed Under: Emotional Health, Family, Mental Health, Relationships Tagged With: Counseling, Hope, Identity, Life Seasons, Mindfulness, Psychotherapy, Relationships, Self Knowledge, Therapy, Transformation

Career Work

September 27, 2016 by Andrea

One of the courses I teach regularly is Career Development. As a result, that topic is regularly on my radar. I really enjoy teaching the class and love even more – working with people who are making decisions about their career. So, how does the process work?

Career development begins with knowing yourself. (Does this blog have a theme or what?) How can we determine our best career fit if we don’t fully know ourselves? Thus, the counseling process begins with working collaboratively to drill down to the true self – who God created you to be. I use a combination of the Career Style Interview (CSI) developed by Savickas as well as results from familiar assessments like the MBTI or the Strong Interest Inventory. Assessments are wonderful for identifying specific traits, interests and talents but if the goal is to get to know the true self, we have to go deeper and that’s where the CSI comes in. It offers a creative way to explore who you really are, the foundational ideals that define you, environments in which you thrive, how you deal with problems, and the deeper preoccupations that drive you. This gives context to the assessment results.

The second part of the career development process applies to clients who wish to include their faith journey. For this, I use Gordon T Smith’s book, Courage and Calling. It is the best resource I’ve found for walking through the process of discerning God’s call on our lives. Not everyone is a reader so perhaps we use the book on audio or I share the videos I’ve created from the book for the class I teach…whatever works to get into the material. Then, we digest it all according to your learning style: journaling, expressive projects or discussion.

The peak of the process is in stepping back and looking at all the data: the contextual picture of self, specific assessment results, and the spiritual principles learned (if we took that route). At this stage, I provide interpretation and suggestions to help you create the vision for your future that feels most authentic to your God-given purpose. Homework usually involves the research needed to craft your specific strategy – typically interviews with folks in your field of interest, visits to schools if further education is required, etc. With this information, we are able to set out a step by step plan for walking in your vocation.

Incidentally, as we work through this career focus, it is not unusual to uncover issues that need counseling attention: holes in self knowledge, self esteem deficiencies, unaddressed losses or traumas that hinder living out your calling. In such cases, you have the option to detour and attend to it, or simply make note of the need and commit to the work at a later date. Overall, the career development process can be one of the most enjoyable and fulfilling experiences in counseling!

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: Career, Career Coaching, Career Counseling, Counseling, Identity, Psychotherapy, Self Knowledge, Vocation

Self Care 3.0

September 5, 2016 by Andrea

This is the third in a series on the topic. Return to the first post here…

We’ve established the core issue: self love, and we’ve laid the foundation for the work. So what’s next? This series emerged largely from a recent discussion with a friend. About halfway through the conversation she exclaimed – and all this comes from just trying to take better care of yourself?! Yes. It’s complicated. As she reflected on the poor unsuspecting client who shows up for that first appointment thinking they just need to come up with a better self care plan, she declared that this process ought to come with warning labels! Consider this post the caution tape that surrounds a work in progress 🙂

Think about an important loved one in your life right now. When they first appeared, did you have any idea you would love them as you do right now? I imagine when you first met, there was an extensive process of getting to know them. Would it be possible to love this person the way you do without knowing them as you do? Probably not. Likewise, the first step in this process is getting to know yourself. The person God created you to be, not just who others need you to be. Eugene Peterson said, “we are not ourselves, by ourselves”. That quote captures the importance of our ‘others’ on this journey. If we are to know ourselves, we need mirrors, but we must seek out objective mirrors. Many of the people in our lives can be like that carnival house of mirrors – each one offering their own distorted reflection rooted in what they need and want from us. Hence why we must have reflectors who don’t have a dog in the fight – who can tell us what they see in us without agenda. We still elicit data from our full community, but we bring it all back to the objective other who can help us evaluate and discern how much of the reflection is us and how much is the bend of the mirror.

Personally, I have found it helpful to reflect on my childhood. In particular, I try to remember simple moments I spent alone in my own thoughts or in non-directed activity, just being a child and not the manifestation of what adults required of me. Those recollections have been invaluable in showing me my true heart…the unique characteristics God placed within me that got buried over the years by life circumstances. There are aspects of this process that are really fun. Remember what it was like when you first met your best friend and who they are was unfolding before you? If you go into this process with an open mind and genuine curiosity, this can be the same. However, it isn’t all fun and games. There are aspects of you that aren’t so fun to uncover. Our shadow selves…the parts that shame forced us to bury? This is an example of how the truth hurts sometimes but there is a difference between hurt and harm. Pain is usually a necessary component of growth. What should we do when we have to have a medical procedure done? We prepare as best we can by completing tasks ahead of time we know we won’t have the capacity to do. We line up support whether it is transportation, meals or help with chores. We accept the pain as part of the process – we don’t jump off the bed, pack our bags and go home. We realize that would be ten times worse. Afterward, we follow the doctor’s orders, we rest, we go to physical therapy (more pain) and we do the work necessary for recovery. The process (done properly) – as painful as it is – does not harm us. It does just the opposite. It heals us. Learning to love ourselves is exactly the same! We get to discover the good, bad and ugly parts of ourselves so that we can celebrate the good, take away the power from our shadow and tenderly care for the ugly so that it can heal.

The other difficult component is the grieving process that begins when we start to see the canyon lying between who we were created to be and the ‘personas’ we created over the years to get through life. Or…perhaps we’ve been living out a true self but only a small slice of who we are because we figured out the other parts wouldn’t be accepted. As we look back at decisions, choices and relationships that were lived out from this other place – the assessment can jack up our lives. We may deny it all at first. It’s all too much to accept: This dissonance between the me I am discovering and how I’ve actually lived. Many of us abandon the journey at this stage. We’re not ready. Or, perhaps we try to embrace the authentic self without dismantling the masks we so carefully crafted. This doesn’t work and sooner or later a choice is forced. Author Mark Buchanan says, “Things that are meant to be must first plunder and displace things that are.” There is no room for both. Plunder – steal goods from (a place or person), typically using force and in a time of war or civil disorder. This process becomes a civil war in many ways. Anger at all those who forced their agendas on you and/or anger at self for allowing this, emerges and demands your attention. The underlying fear and hurt must be processed. Deep sadness settles in as the old, the untrue, the ‘no longer functional but all I know’ is put to death. Finally, grace prevails when we stick it out. Light appears at the end of the tunnel and acceptance begins to dawn as we embrace our authentic self and begin to appreciate the complexity and value of who we are as image bearers of our Creator. The pain is all so worth it!

There is a parallel venture happening as we focus on knowing and loving self. In the final post of this series, we will look at that simultaneous battle and how it necessarily supports the first.

You’ve read the warnings but you believe you’re ready for the journey? Consider contacting us to share your interest in a therapy group related to this topic!

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: Counseling, Grief, Group Therapy, Psychotherapy, Self Care, Self Knowledge, Self Love