Counseling Archives - Page 3 of 4

Whitespace

October 4, 2017 by Andrea

At the GLS event I mentioned a couple of months ago, I heard Juliet Funt speak on the concept of “whitespace“: that business of intentionally creating a space for NOTHING so that creativity can emerge in the workplace. An excellent reminder and validation of my love for this concept in our personal lives. Our culture is driven by the need for constant activity and most of us are completely enslaved to the merry go round. There are two main traps we tend to fall in for this obsession with activity: The trap of achievement – believing that we are only as worthwhile as our productivity…hence there’s never a time we can feel at peace when we are still. Or, there is the trap of emotional avoidance. Sitting still becomes a dangerous dynamic to be avoided at all cost because it allows one’s pain and anxiety to emerge! Often, you’ll hear folks caught in these traps exclaim, “Oh, I have no time for that”, or “Oh my goodness, I would go crazy sitting around doing nothing” when presented with the idea of rest, retreat, white-space. I chuckle internally when I hear these tell-tale words.

The reality is, we absolutely need quiet time in order to grow. There’s the irony – so often, we go, go, go because we’re trying to achieve, to progress, to accomplish. All the while, in the absence of appropriate down-time, we’re actually moving backward. Often, without realizing it until it’s too late. The epiphany typically arrives in the form of physical illness because our bodies keep score and when we ignore it’s need to rest and recuperate, it eventually takes its revenge.

My focus today though is the emotional aspect. This blog is about personal transformation. With that in mind, where does white-space fit in? Transformation begins with awareness, continues with learning and is then cemented by action. In order for new learning to be integrated, it must be consolidated – a process that cannot happen during activity. It only happens during times of quiet. Have you ever noticed that you attend an amazing workshop where you learn great concepts but weeks later, you’re struggling to remember what you found so revolutionary? Or, perhaps you pulled an all-nighter in college, studying for a big test and then drew a complete blank on so much during the exam? These are examples of what happens to learning without white-space. If we do not take the time to STOP and reflect on our new awareness, understanding and insight, we don’t retain it. We don’t act upon concepts we don’t retain and thus, we stay stuck in patterns of dysfunction.

When clients have covered a lot of territory in session, I always warn them to take some downtime within the next 24 hours to let their work consolidate. Eventually, I teach them to build this space into their regular routine so that there is ongoing room to grow and they don’t have to scramble for it when life brings them new opportunities. Personally, I try to model this in my own life, regularly spending time in nature. This week, during a quick trip to GA, I asked my host about the local parks and was guided to a fabulous nature trail. My friend and I remarked how just one hour on the trail made such a difference in our mental outlooks…not to mention how much better our bodies felt after hours of driving the day before.

You may find yourself resonating with these words, making promises to yourself to find more white-space in your life but if you are caught in one of the two traps I mentioned, it’s easier said than done. Your source of worthiness must be addressed if you are to ever make peace with stillness. You must acquire the skills of emotion management if you are to become willing to let frightening feelings emerge. Likely, you have specific family stories that have left you ill-equipped or believing lies that will forever hold you back. If you don’t know how to work on cars, don’t you take your vehicle to a mechanic? If you never learned to work on appliances, don’t you call a repair company for your broken refrigerator? Yet somehow, when we recognize a gap in our mental or emotional skills, we hesitate to contact a therapist who is trained in the very skills we lack. Strange, isn’t it? Consider breaking that trend and give us a call if you realize your struggle to create white-space goes deep into territory you haven’t yet mastered!

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: Counseling, Foundations, Psychotherapy, Self Care, Self Love, Transformation

“Safe” People

September 25, 2017 by Andrea

I actually don’t like that term “safe” since it’s definition is: absence of risk. We all know that no part of life meets that definition. I think we’ll go with “safer” people. The concept has been mentioned in previous posts so I thought it time to focus on what I mean by this business of finding and connecting with safer others as we work on our own personal transformations.

You know that cliche phrase, “birds of a feather flock together”? It’s a cliche because it’s true. We attract the sort of people who match our dysfunctions. They either play the complementary role or share similar behaviors. Makes sense that as we address our dysfunctions, we would see increased conflict with our fellow birds, unless they too are willing to transform. As I mentioned in my last post, once we get past the grief of recognizing some birds will be left behind, we face the dilemma of finding new ones. How do we avoid collecting more of the same? How do we identify that which is healthier when we are in the midst of still figuring out our own healthy? There are three components which have emerged over the years in my own life as I am blessed with a tribe of safer people.

Presence
Safer people have worked on their own dysfunctions to the point that they are able to focus fully outside of themselves when they are with others. They aren’t perfect but because they’ve taken a long, hard look at their own pain, they don’t retreat into it or project it on to you when your pain surfaces. When we are with these folks, we feel connected and that their attention is focused primarily on us.

Love
This is such an overused word – it has lost specific meaning in our world. In this context, I want to define the word as ‘valuing the other’. When someone values you, they consider the ways in which they speak to and treat you. They make every effort to tangibly demonstrate care and concern; they listen to understand instead of to simply respond. Since they’ve worked on themselves, they’re well aware of their own shadow and so they offer grace for yours. Not that they allow themselves to be taken advantage of, but they don’t shame or condemn.

Keeping it real
Here’s another abused phrase. It has become a way to excuse being a jerk. It’s right up there with, “I’m brutally honest”. That’s not what I’m going for here. What I’m talking about is the person who will be authentic with you. They share their real selves and they tell you honestly, how they are affected by you and how they truly feel. So, once again, safer people don’t avoid confrontation, they don’t allow themselves to be bullied – instead, they find healthy ways to communicate what’s really going on. Because they have established their acceptance of us, we are able to hear these difficult truths and use them in our transformation process.

Hopefully, this begins to ‘flesh out’ the safer people we need to be looking for and gives you a matrix to evaluate the folks already in your life, the new ones you meet and most of all, yourself! For further study – check out Cloud and Townsend’s excellent book on this subject. Books are wonderful but they don’t hold our hands and walk us through so find a wilderness guide to help you if you’re struggling.

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: Boundaries, Counseling, Foundations, Relationships, Transformation

The mechanics of change

July 1, 2017 by Andrea

I am sitting in a hostel in Brussels, Belgium at this moment – taking some down time to rest before heading out for the evening. I’ve been away from home now for four weeks and I can definitely testify that leaving one’s comfort zone for extended periods of time facilitates much internal transformation. Next week, I’ll write more specifically about that.

Today, I’m reflecting on a conversation I recently had with my travel companion about the process of change. When we decide to renovate some major area of our lives, what does that look like from the inside? Going to a counselor is usually reserved for more significant repairs, so this question would certainly pertain to current or future clients. I answered from my own personal experience though. One of the core values of Phenix Counseling is that I cannot take anyone where I have not personally gone (in terms of the process of facing our own shadow selves).

So for me, it begins with awareness. Recognizing not only the problem, but also (usually with the help of another), how I am contributing to the problem. What is it about me exactly that is facilitating the pattern and how did I come to be that way? I need this insight in order to have productive conversations with myself and that is pretty much the meat and potatoes of the change process for me. Let me break it down:

When I figure out the past experiences that led to my current way of approaching things and what meanings I made of those past experiences, I can choose a new perspective that will give me the motivation and logic to take a different path in the here and now.
Looking at the question of – how did I come to be this way…why am I behaving dysfunctionally – helps me understand myself enough to figure out what need I’m trying to meet. I have to brainstorm ways to meet that need in a healthier way if I am to have any hope of success. I turn these ideas into practical plans: what will do instead, when and how will I make that happen?
Then….the rubber meets the road. Real life sets in and change comes down to tiny moments of decision we face in the everyday. Here’s where that constant conversation with self comes in. It’s a messy process and it took me a little while to try and explain it. At first, I catch myself “after the fact”. I resort to my old ways but at least I realize it soon after. Then…I start to catch myself during the process. I remember when I decided to relate to my husband differently, there were times when words from my old perspective would be coming out of my mouth but in my head I would be thinking, “you need to stop talking”. Yet somehow…the word vomit continued and I was faced with cleaning up the mess afterward. Then comes the ability to choose my new strategies before I mess it up. This begins to happen more often than not until I solidify my new way of being.

Of course, it never happens in this linear fashion – I circle around and through these stages in no particular order until I establish some sort of stability. Oh how I wish it was like the one-way journey of the caterpillar to the butterfly! All of this has to happen within the context (cocoon) of others who can help me analyze and assess my thoughts and behaviors throughout the process and with folks who have the patience and ego strength to be on the receiving end of my changes. I am blessed to have that kind of environment and often, I find the greatest work in therapy is helping my clients build such a support system before they can tackle the things they need to change within themselves.

I hope this little window into my world helps those who struggle to become who they are meant to be. Our journeys are unique – others would describe their process differently but I believe the commonalities are the mess and the time it takes to cross the desert of transformation – it’s always longer than we planned. Wherever you are in that trip, be encouraged and don’t skimp on the task of ensuring you have solid travel partners!

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: Counseling, Psychotherapy, Rebirth, Transformation

Doing

March 14, 2017 by Andrea

Experience is the greatest teacher they say… Whatever dysfunctions we have going on in our lives (and yes, we all have some) – we come by them honestly. None of us wakes up one morning and decides to be defensive, destructive, avoidant, etc. for no reason. We approach life based on the experiences we’ve had and the meanings we’ve made of them. When those meanings are no longer functional, that’s where therapy comes in. Together, we explore past experiences and how we interpreted them to identify the sticking points that cause negative results today. Then, we work together to re-examine those experiences and expand the meanings to understandings that lead to more positive ways of doing life. The healthy relationship formed in therapy provides a model for the rest of life and offers a safe base from which to go out and change our worlds for the better.

The work done in the therapy room is not effective without implementation into daily life. Healing requires doing. We must test out our new meanings, creating new experiences that will cement those meanings in our hearts and not just our brains. This is the terrifying part. It can be so comforting and enlightening to have ah-ha moments in therapy. “Whaaat?! That’s why I’ve always done that? Oh my gosh, this totally makes sense now!” Those insights are wonderful and make for much internal relief and de-stressing. But then….we have to act “as if”. If this new understanding is true, what do I do differently? This is where the terror comes in because it is a great act of vulnerability to go out into an unchanged world with our changed selves and trust that we will be successful.

Sometimes, this becomes a stumbling block for clients. It could be because we need to do more work on our own internal anxiety before we can take action. Often though, it is due to confusion about how to actually handle things differently. Isn’t it normal to need some practice with a new skill before we use it ‘for real’? This very basic truth about learning is why I believe therapy has to be active. Perhaps the most common technique is to role play anticipated situations/conversations. That is an incredibly valuable exercise as we get to form new words and even hold our bodies in different positions than we have before.

I am finding though, that there are plenty of additional ideas for experiential learning. Last week, I joined a team of colleagues at WinShape to participate in team building exercises with a facilitator who happened to be a therapist. As we funneled tennis balls through short plastic tubes, held mousetraps in our joined hands, and moved a bowling ball without touching it, I saw so many connections between these activities and the principles that clients are often struggling to implement in their lives: Creative problem solving, collaboration, trust, believing they can do hard things, believing it is possible to do things differently than before, etc. Our activities culminated with a climb to the top of what they refer to as the “Pamper pole”. I’ll let you imagine why it has garnered that name. Let me just say that I have not experienced that level of terror in a very long time! Conquering it was the best thing that could have happened though, at a time in my life when I’ve been questioning my ability to rise to the amazing mission unfolding before me. It gave me absolutely tangible proof that I can dominate and that has already provided energy to move forward with the hard things. There is nothing like actual success to fuel further success. The same techniques I used to get through the exercises at WinShape are the same techniques I will use to power through the obstacles I face in the rest of my life. That is how this works.

I am so excited to bring these kinds of activities back to my clients. Not just individual sessions, but family sessions, groups and especially corporate workshops. I have a passion for leadership development and building corporate culture, so this approach fits perfectly! I do promise however, not to utilize 30 foot telephone poles 🙂

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: Adventure Therapy, Corporate Culture, Counseling, Executive Coaching, Family Therapy, Group Therapy, Leadership, Organizational Culture, Psychotherapy, Rebirth, Transformation, Workshop

The toughest job

January 26, 2017 by Andrea

We parent as well as we were parented. That can be a comforting or frightening statement…depending on our history. I remember when I first gave birth, I was determined to do this thing “right”. This is how I had been trained to approach everything for 20 years. Certainly, this task – the most important one I’d ever tackle – demanded my best. Then, to make things really interesting, my little one was diagnosed with a chronic illness for which there was no cure.

Looking back on my parenting path, I see a developmental journey: Stage one was the thirst for knowledge. I had been essentially an only child. I had never babysat a child, never changed a diaper. To say I was ‘green’ would have been an understatement. But I was diligent and committed. I knew that there was much from my history that I did not want to repeat so I read the books, listened to the radio shows and subscribed to the magazines. Stage two was about behavior. I was raised in a culture that valued presentation and good behavior and while I was determined not to use the same punishments, I was still invested in similar outcomes. Except…this little girl was not at all interested in conforming as I had been. She marched to the beat of her own drum. Stage three was bedlam. My well crafted systems were not working. My home environment changed and my beloved was dancing at the edge of dangerous canyons. I was completely undone. Stage four found me in complete retreat. I was forced to go back to the drawing board to figure out what my true parenting goals were and how I was going to accomplish them. From a faith perspective, I began to realize that while it was easy to focus on my daughter as ‘the problem’, God’s spotlight was squarely on me…what was being unearthed within me by her refusal to fall in step with my beat? Slowly, my focus changed as I entered stage five. From behavior to relationship. From nagging to introspection – an awareness of what each conflict was meant to teach me. Not that I abdicated my responsibility as a parent. I was still the authority but I streamlined those functions and attempted to spend more time on personal growth and pursuing intimate connection with her. I am forever grateful that my final parenting stage (six) was an imperfect attempt at unconditional love. I solidified my understanding of who she was as a person…what she was responsible for (which I was not) and what I was truly responsible for as her mom. Unfortunately, I had just crested this summit when she disappeared.

Maybe you recognize yourself somewhere in these stages. It’s helpful sometimes to know that you’re on a developmental journey, that this will get better. This isn’t a researched and validated developmental theory but hopefully, it is still helpful in reassuring you that this is normal – whatever your “this” is. That there is a progression here. Don’t get me wrong. It didn’t play out in the linear way I’ve presented here. It was more like a circuitous roller-coaster ride that cycled in and out of the stages in no particular order. Once again, if that is how you’re feeling, you’re not alone.

I have a passion for coming along-side parents on their journey. I’m not a “drop your kid off and I’ll fix them” therapist. In my view, it begins and ends with parents – if for no other reason than we have the ultimate responsibility and authority to respond to whatever is happening with the child. We are the leaders in this equation. Our children give us an opportunity to grow as people in a way no other interaction can and I love helping my clients harness the occasion. As parents flourish, children naturally improve. This only happens however when parents feel safe. Safe to vent, cry, blame, speak the truth of what they are actually thinking and feeling without judgment. The last thing we need is someone to make us feel like a failure. What is needed is empathy, encouragement and hope. A place where our ugly is held and our pain is validated. Where root causes are unearthed and processed so that we move in a different direction. That is what I do with my clients so if you’re looking for a coworker on this – the toughest job of all; give us a call. The rewards in stage six are well worth the journey!

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: Children, Counseling, Parenting, Psychotherapy, Purpose, Relationships

Fresh Starts

January 3, 2017 by Andrea

Some of us get excited about the new year. We see it as a new chapter in our books: a blank page, a clean slate. Others are so sick of the “new year, new you” grandiosity that emerges this time of year. We cast cynical eyes at the bright-eyed hopefuls…mentally calculating how long it will take them to fall back to the bottom of the same pits they’ve lived in for years. Social media is full of commentary on ‘new year resolutions’ – some encouraging, some disparaging and some offering a ‘third way’ perspective. Where do you fall on the continuum?

Regardless of your stance, there is a reason that humanity so consistently gravitates toward new year rituals. I believe we are naturally wired to operate seasonally. A brief look at nature shows us this rhythm: each year there is soil preparation, planting, hope, watering, weeding, harvesting, barrenness and then new beginnings. In the winter, the farmer assesses the previous year’s experience, using that information to plan out the next year’s crops. Seeds are ordered and excitement begins to build toward the possibilities next summer. Is it any coincidence that those same activities seem natural to us in the middle of winter (New Year’s Day)? Seems to me that adopting a crotchety attitude toward all of this is rather fruitless (no pun intended 🙂 ). Thus, we have a choice: do we jump on the bandwagon of renewal or do we sit it out with the assumption that nothing ever changes anyway?

I’m a counselor so I’m sure it’s no mystery where I fall. My entire field is about transformation so any excuse to move toward that is something to be excited about in my world. I believe the key is realism. I think this is where the bandwagon falls apart – we spend December in a whirlwind of comparison. The holidays ramp up the social media highlight reel, making it that much easier to look at our own lives through a distorted lens which inspires a long laundry list of all that is wrong. We spend December mentally beating ourselves up and by the 31st, we have created a herculean plan for life overhaul which we enthusiastically proclaim and begin on the 1st. Only to fall flat before the first month of the year is done 🙁 . Yeah….let’s not do that again.

Again, realism is key. It is now the third day of the year. I’ll assume we’ve basically come down from the high of the first day and we may already be casting skeptical eyes at our resolutions. Before you abandon ship, could we explore some adjustments? I’d like to offer a few suggestions:

Resolutions are goals. They are nice for painting the destination but they don’t necessarily give us any idea how to get there. We need to define action steps.
If you made more than one resolution, may I suggest that you choose just one? What is most important to you? Focus is vital!
Reflect on 2016. What happened in this area of your life? What were the specific things that held you back in this area? Make a list of those factors.
For each item on the list – what specific action will you need to take to conquer that obstacle? What routines will you need to develop in order to reprogram the way you typically operate? What rewards do you need to set up to reinforce these new behaviors? Break things down into a list of small, specific steps.
Break our your calendar/planner (paper or electronic) and start mapping out those specific steps throughout the entire year. Spread out the steps so that you are doing no more than one new thing each week. Don’t take everything on at once! Stagger out the steps over time so that you make changes gradually – giving yourself enough time to establish each new step before moving to the next one.
Ideally, it is best if you schedule the steps at a particular time/day but at the very least, record a reminder on a particular day of the week (or repeated every day of that week if needed). Consider setting alarms on your phone to remind you of things you need to do.
While you’re at it – schedule a monthly check in now to assess how you’re doing: what’s working and what needs to change.
What resources can you turn to for maintaining hope throughout the year? (Magazines, Facebook pages, blogs, devotionals, etc.) Sign up for those now so it is automatic.
Who can you enlist as an accountability partner/encourager? Talk to them now and agree on specific contact: weekly phone call/text/Facebook message? Consider including that person in your monthly check ins to help you assess and stay on track.

Transformation is extremely difficult but it is definitely possible. As we’ve discussed before in this space, it is nearly impossible to do alone though so if you find yourself struggling to stay the course, if you can’t find effective support – please consider counseling. Good therapy is one of the best ways to pursue renewal so don’t flounder alone!

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: Coping Skills, Counseling, Foundations, Hope, Life Seasons, New Beginnings, Psychotherapy, Rebirth, Renewal, Self Care, Transformation, Transitions

Shattered

November 30, 2016 by Andrea

One of the greatest joys I have in my work is the privilege of helping clients piece the parts of themselves back together after a lifetime of brokenness. Sometimes we find ourselves limping through relationships, work situations or family responsibilities. It is typically problems in these areas that bring people into counseling. For far too many, it doesn’t take long to discover the roots of these troubles as multiple incidences of abuse, betrayal, and/or neglect in the crucial early years of life. American culture is rooted in a “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” mentality. Everywhere we turn, the general message is to put our heads down and push through whatever obstacles come our way, in order to achieve and succeed. Add to that the fact that folks who come from hard places often spend at least early adulthood in survival mode. They don’t have the luxury of examining their pain and learning from it – every day is about making sure there is food on the table, a roof over their heads and beating back the fear or depression that threatens to consume. We tend to minimize our experiences – “it wasn’t that bad” – and we shy away from the word, “trauma”. The reality is though that any life experience that presented a threat to life or health, which elicited significant fear or helplessness is a trauma. If we are honest with ourselves, many of us have such an experience in our history…sometimes multiple. The resources to obtain assistance for emotional needs are usually scarce in such a scenario. Even for those with means, the general approach is to ignore the past and look ahead to the next job, relationship or location that will make all the difference. Unfortunately, the body and mind remembers. Early trauma sets into motion dysfunctional beliefs that carry through into adulthood. It distorts view of self and as research is now discovering – it literally changes the way the brain develops. The effects of significant childhood difficulties are multilayered and extend into every area of adult life – relationships, career, self concept, cognitive functioning, physical health, etc. In order to live life to the fullest, these effects must be faced, grieved and overcome. The problem is, this is a painful process that is almost impossible to complete alone. Hence why so many folks live their entire lives never experiencing significant healing.

This doesn’t have to be our story. Competent, compassionate counseling is one of the most effective ways to address this. What does that look like? It requires a counselor who understands the multilayered impact of trauma – how it affects every aspect of development: socially, emotionally, physically, cognitively and spiritually. Wading into these waters with clients is difficult. A counselor who has not learned to sit with their own pain, who has not thoroughly grieved their own traumas, will not be able to sustain themselves in this work. They inevitably resort to techniques and interventions that promise a quick fix and allow them to stay distanced from your pain. True healing requires an empathic, authentic connection which provides the comfort and safety needed to face the ugly. This relationship is foundational. From there, the process begins with creating safety: cataloging resources available to the client outside of counseling, identifying the warning signs of emotional overload, as well as teaching visualization and relaxation techniques that will be used throughout the work. Unfortunately, this is a step that gets missed in some counseling encounters which go straight into unpacking traumatic experiences with no tools for the client to cope outside of sessions. This is clearly a very dangerous approach which can inoculate clients against counseling forevermore.

Once the client has mastered the skills necessary to cope with what they are about to face, then we can begin to explore their story. This can happen in a variety of ways: verbally, or through writing, art or other expressive methods. Using a variety of modalities allows the client to access multiple aspects of their experience. The therapist facilitates the safety needed to tell the story and helps the client connect the dots between their experience and resulting beliefs, behaviors, decisions, health symptoms, and attachment styles. Losses are identified and grieving is encouraged and guided. This alone brings a tremendous amount of emotional relief. It also identifies core beliefs that have driven dysfunctional patterns. With the insight gained, choices are made regarding what needs to change and thus begins improvement in relationships and thinking. Throughout the process, physical health is monitored and addressed. Trauma experiences, as well as trauma work has physiological consequences and so the therapist must be proactive in assessing this area and partnering with professionals who are competent in treating patients with traumatic histories.

It is likely obvious by now that this is a delicate, unpredictable process that cannot be rushed. By the time we choose to seek this kind of counseling, we have typically been dealing with the effects of trauma for many, many years. Addressing it completely then, will take some time. Everyone’s coping skills level and emotional reservoir coming into the process is different and determines how long healing will take so there is no formula to be applied here. If you find yourself struggling to manage your emotions, ‘zoning out’ a lot, dealing with chronic health issues, beating yourself up, or battling multiple relationship issues, there is likely a trauma connection. Give us a call!

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: Coping Skills, Counseling, Psychotherapy, Rebirth, Transformation, Trauma

Soul Seasons

October 29, 2016 by Andrea

As the weather finally changes here in central Florida, I have been reveling in the cooler temperatures. Saturday night brought our first backyard fire of the season. We’ve opened the windows and turned off the AC for days now. Every morning, I sit on the back patio to drink my coffee. As this change in weather has brought about changes in behavior, I am reminded of a book I read last year that I am still pondering all these months later.

Mark’s premise is so simple yet revolutionary at the same time: Just as our natural world has seasons which inspire/require different activities – so do our lives have varying seasons. While I’ve been well aware of that reality, the part I never really thought about is the corresponding fact – those varying seasons require different activities and we can be intentional about making those adjustments. Yes, I’ve adapted my activities as seasons have changed in my life, but that was always a reactionary process, not a proactive one. The idea that I could regularly assess my season and plan my activities accordingly was a novel one.

So according to Mark’s description, I am currently in a Fall season. I have watched many aspects of my life wither away and die. Yet, even in the midst of the “leaves falling”, there is beauty. It has also been a time of final harvest, as I am reaping what I have sown in seasons past – for good and bad. My activities at this point in time should be focused on “fall things”: reaping, storing, feasting and thanking. Thus, I ponder what that looks like exactly for me. I collect the harvest of my previous efforts – that means as blessings come to me (usually through the relationships I’ve invested in), I receive them instead of deflecting or minimizing. Likewise, the consequences that unfold from the choices I made in previous seasons…I accept those as well instead of avoiding and excusing. I store up the sense of closeness I have to God right now because I know that dark nights of the soul will come and I will need to remember this time. I store up the blessings poured out for leaner times. I store up the lessons learned from the consequences of my choices so that I can choose more wisely in the future. I celebrate with gusto – all that God has done and been for me, taking time to count the tiniest of blessings.

Maybe you recognize the Fall season in your life too but perhaps your harvest is not at all pleasant. Perhaps there simply is none or the fruit is bitter. Mark addresses this as well with a few questions we can ask ourselves to get to the bottom of what is happening:

Who am I? Am I living a life authentic to who God created me to be?
What is my purpose? Am I living out my destiny?
What is my passion? What makes me unique? Am I living that out?

In the end, Fall is a time of assessment – reflecting on our planting and crop work to understand what worked well and what needs to be adjusted so that when Spring comes, we are ready with a plan that yields even better fruit than the cycle before. Take some time to consider what season your life is in right now. Get the book if you could use some help with that, especially with the business of focusing on the right tasks for your season. Remember, counseling can be a wonderful tool for assistance in this process!

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: Counseling, Foundations, Life Seasons, Spirituality

I’ve never been in therapy…

October 6, 2016 by Andrea

We often get our view of reality from television but it only takes one hospital visit to learn that real life is not like Grey’s Anatomy. Likewise, if you’ve never been to therapy, it’s a dangerous plan to assume it might be what you’ve seen portrayed on TV or in movies. So, what can you expect? First of all, you don’t need a mental health disorder to come to therapy. In actuality, most people seek counseling for a host of regular life problems: relationship struggles, major life transitions, parenting challenges, etc. Yes, there will be questions to determine the severity of the issues you are facing but your therapist does not see you as “sick” or “crazy”. A good therapist regularly sees her or his own counselor, for that matter.

Choosing the right therapist has two components: First – finding someone with the appropriate knowledge and skill for your particular concerns. Second – finding someone with whom you have a personal chemistry. That second component is tricky as it is difficult to predict who you will “click” with but this is such an important requirement. It is possible to sit with a perfectly competent therapist but not make significant progress in your work due to a lack of connection between you and the therapist. This is why Phenix offers a free initial consult to all new clients. Hopefully, you have a network of friends and/or family to whom you can turn for referrals. They know you best and can likely predict who might be a good fit for you. Check the recommended providers’ websites to see what they specialize in. Finally, give your prospects a call to discuss what you are interested in addressing so that you can get a sense of how well you might connect to this person. A few questions you could ask are:

What experience do you have working with this issue?
How do you typically approach helping clients with this issue?
What resources do you most often recommend to your clients?
How has your own personal therapy informed the work you do with clients?

Your first several sessions are usually quite different from subsequent sessions here at Phenix:

Our free consult gives you the opportunity to ask the questions needed to determine if you have chosen the right person to work with. We also will complete basic mental health screenings to ensure that tele-therapy is the right level of care for you. We intentionally utilize only a one-page information form prior to the appointment because we understand that we cannot expect full disclosure from someone we have not met and we have not yet established a therapeutic relationship.
If you choose to initiate therapy after the free consult, you will receive full disclosure documents electronically so that you can see the details of our therapeutic relationship but you do not have to sign it until after your first appointment where you can clarify anything that does not make sense to you. During this first therapy appointment, we discuss your goals and the potential ways in which we would be helpful to you, finalizing a tentative plan for moving forward if that is agreeable to you.
Intake documents are shared electronically after the first therapy appointment for you to complete. By this time, you have met with your therapist twice and can feel a little more comfortable sharing detailed information. The second therapy appointment is what we call an “intake” during which we ask a number of questions designed to obtain the details of your concerns as well as the context in which these concerns occur: social, physical, emotional and mental history as well as current status. If you wish to include your spiritual journey – that is discussed as well. This gives your therapist a window into your complex world.
At the third appointment, your therapist will generally offer a summary of all that has been shared as well as their understanding of the presenting concerns and it’s underlying components. Often, your therapist connects dots, pointing out dynamics that may have gone unnoticed. This is a collaborative process in which you participate to shape an overall narrative that then drives the action plan to be created. You and your therapist establish goals and agree upon interventions for pursuing them.

From that point forward, appointments typically involve: discussions of progress, exploration of emerging insight, expressive activities (non verbal interventions such as art), skill learning and relational check-ins (monitoring your relationship with your therapist). A sacred space is created where you can be fully who you are, saying/expressing exactly what you need to say with privacy and no judgment. Your therapist guides these interactions according to the goals you established at the beginning, though those goals may be adjusted along the way. Each time we meet, you create action plans for applying what happens in therapy to your daily life. It is these experiments in your world that become a main topic of our meetings – determining what is working, what is not and why. Clients always have control over what they wish to discuss though your therapist will challenge the areas you tend to avoid as they are often most relevant. Even so, you are always in the driver’s seat.

There is no standard length of time for therapy. The number of sessions clients come in for varies wildly. Much depends on the complexity of their goals and the depth they are willing to go in transformation of self. Some clients reach a satisfactory level of growth after a few months…some clients who wish to tackle long-term, traumatic issues attend therapy for years – albeit spaced out such as monthly appointments. Again, you determine how far you want to go and for how long. Hopefully, this helps bring clarity to the therapy process. We are much more likely to take a new path if we have some idea of what to expect!

Filed Under: Mental Health Tagged With: Counseling, Hope, Psychotherapy, Therapy

Career Work

September 27, 2016 by Andrea

One of the courses I teach regularly is Career Development. As a result, that topic is regularly on my radar. I really enjoy teaching the class and love even more – working with people who are making decisions about their career. So, how does the process work?

Career development begins with knowing yourself. (Does this blog have a theme or what?) How can we determine our best career fit if we don’t fully know ourselves? Thus, the counseling process begins with working collaboratively to drill down to the true self – who God created you to be. I use a combination of the Career Style Interview (CSI) developed by Savickas as well as results from familiar assessments like the MBTI or the Strong Interest Inventory. Assessments are wonderful for identifying specific traits, interests and talents but if the goal is to get to know the true self, we have to go deeper and that’s where the CSI comes in. It offers a creative way to explore who you really are, the foundational ideals that define you, environments in which you thrive, how you deal with problems, and the deeper preoccupations that drive you. This gives context to the assessment results.

The second part of the career development process applies to clients who wish to include their faith journey. For this, I use Gordon T Smith’s book, Courage and Calling. It is the best resource I’ve found for walking through the process of discerning God’s call on our lives. Not everyone is a reader so perhaps we use the book on audio or I share the videos I’ve created from the book for the class I teach…whatever works to get into the material. Then, we digest it all according to your learning style: journaling, expressive projects or discussion.

The peak of the process is in stepping back and looking at all the data: the contextual picture of self, specific assessment results, and the spiritual principles learned (if we took that route). At this stage, I provide interpretation and suggestions to help you create the vision for your future that feels most authentic to your God-given purpose. Homework usually involves the research needed to craft your specific strategy – typically interviews with folks in your field of interest, visits to schools if further education is required, etc. With this information, we are able to set out a step by step plan for walking in your vocation.

Incidentally, as we work through this career focus, it is not unusual to uncover issues that need counseling attention: holes in self knowledge, self esteem deficiencies, unaddressed losses or traumas that hinder living out your calling. In such cases, you have the option to detour and attend to it, or simply make note of the need and commit to the work at a later date. Overall, the career development process can be one of the most enjoyable and fulfilling experiences in counseling!

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: Career, Career Coaching, Career Counseling, Counseling, Identity, Psychotherapy, Self Knowledge, Vocation