Unplugged

Unplugged

What happens when you unplug?

Is it really worth the hassle?

Great things happen and YES, it is absolutely worth it!

Tree illustrating the plethora of social media options

Our last post gave a status report of overload that we knew would be unwise to ignore.  We decided to take a more aggressive approach and disconnect completely from the noise.  We did not have a time frame going in but within a few days, we both sensed that it would be for the majority of June.  So what happened?  What did we learn? Where do we go from here?

First of all, stepping away was actually easier than I expected.  I logged out of every app on my phone that would give me information and closed the tabs I keep open on my laptop.  Just this step was enough to retrain me every time I automatically clicked an icon.  I’ve done this in shorter bursts before so I knew what worked for me.  My husband deleted apps completely so different strategies work for different persons.  I made sure to line up the things I would do instead: books, art supplies, and coloring books.

I think the biggest benefit I experienced personally was the quieting of my brain.  (Justin will share his experience by video on our IG account.)  A couple of weeks in, I stopped and noticed that I hadn’t even realized how much of a constant buzz was happening in my brain at all times before the disconnect.  It’s hard to explain but my brain physically felt relaxed, like a muscle at rest.  This translated into a greater ability to be present in conversations, and a greatly reduced feeling of stress.  Unplugging has been called a “reboot for the brain” and I understand what they mean now!

The other major benefit was the opening up of space to do things I missed: reading, art and spending time outside.  To the several books I had in my TBR pile, I added Almost Amish as a way to engage this technology disconnect even more.  (A great read actually if you are wanting to pursue a simpler lifestyle in the modern world.)  I went on more walks with Justin, we enjoyed more conversations and I am convinced that the additional space I opened is the main reason I gained as much spiritual insight into current concerns as I did.  It’s amazing how much you can hear in your spirit when you create quiet.  I didn’t set out to do a gratitude practice but I have noticed us taking inventory more frequently of what we have to be thankful for.

As June came to a close, I found myself not looking forward to returning to contact with the outside world.  My hard-won peace was something I did NOT want to give up but I knew that I had to find a way to engage the world for the benefit of my work.  In the process of helping a client with her technology struggles, I discovered more about iPhones’ new focus features and I spent the last few days of the month setting up app limits.  That felt comforting for a little while but I still dreaded the onslaught of commentary on what I tangentially knew were a plethora of social ills and global shenanigans.  I have carefully chosen voices I follow on Instagram who do a great job of discussing the things I care about but I knew I was not ready for a sudden dive back into the deep end of the pool.  I actually missed them as people I’ve grown to like and appreciate but did not know if I was ready for their passionate content.  Then, I had an idea: create a new IG account specifically for these folks and follow them only from that account.  In this way, I could log in and consume that content on a schedule I determined versus having it mixed in with the fun, laughs and love that I enjoy on that app.  Starting last Friday, I checked my messages and notifications in the apps, finding myself with zero desire to scroll the feeds.  We shall see how I transition back but for now, I hope I retain this disconnect from the dopamine loop that technology creates.  I’m leaning more toward Pinterest, Wordscapes and funny YouTube videos for entertainment and hoping that app limits keep reading front and center.

How are you managing global overload?  Let’s crowd-source solutions so we all benefit!

Global Overload

Are you feeling out of sorts?

Does the word “tired” not quite capture the state you’ve been in for too long?

Are you finding that your old-reliable strategies aren’t working to boost your functioning?

In April, I wrote a post about rest.  It was a recounting of strategies we had actually used to give ourselves the opportunity to recharge and be renewed.  While we enjoyed some immediate benefits from those efforts, we quickly found ourselves depleted once again but not in the usual way.  We are well familiar with all the symptoms and signs of burnout: anxiety, headaches, poor sleep, cynicism, etc.  Those are not our experience.  Instead, it has been this indescribable mental exhaustion that persists despite all of our diligence around sleep hygiene, gentle nutrition, movement and sabbath.  We are committed to walking the talk, so we have been leaning into the strategies we teach our clients.  While we are grateful to be doing fairly well overall, we fully recognized that we are not functioning optimally…we are regularly dipping into our reserves and at some point, would find our “account” overdrawn.

Does this sound familiar?  Do you feel like you’re doing OK considering, but wonder how much longer you can coast on your reserves? 

We have been discussing this for quite a few weeks because we see this happening with our clients and friends as well.  When we stop and think, the reality is that the past two and a half years have been one sucker punch after another: raging fires, global protests, pandemic, climate change disasters, race-based traumas, political depravity, migration crises, supply chain failures, global war, inflation and the mass murder of children in our own country.  Those are just the low lights…so much more is happening every.single.day.  It is RELENTLESS and therein lies the problem.

The brain’s number one job is survival and a main component of that is scanning for and responding to threat.  Our brains have been in perpetual response mode since March of 2020.  Every single person in our world has daily faced some level of threat – whether from health concerns, financial instability, race-based stressors, or potential violence.  Not only that, but many of us are living with a high level of uncertainty regarding the future which can feel threatening in and of itself.  For those of us who own our own businesses, the usual marketing strategies are no longer effective, learning the details of social media content is a full time job, shortages and inflation make it impossible to plan and execute both in the short term and certainly in the long term.  All of this requires the brain to activate and maintain response systems that were never meant to stay online long term, yet here we are…still having to pump out cortisol and stay vigilant over 700 days later, each day awakening to a fresh reminder of just how unstable our world has become.

This is not sustainable.

Feeling unsafe or “untethered” as I call it taps into so many soul triggers.  Depending on our life stories, we struggle with the lack of control, lack of connection, and crumbling foundations we have previously rested upon.  We may find ourselves having to re-establish our safe base: that person, place or thing we rely on to ground us.  We are having to develop more intensive strategies for soothing our inner child, giving voice to our adolescent selves, and silencing our critical voice.  How do we build up a loving adult self who faces life with wisdom, courage and confidence when the world is metaphorically on fire around us? 

Personally, we have had to lean in to our spirituality in unprecedented ways!  Faith, hope and love take on earthier, more intense and tangible meanings when they are the only steadfast factors left.  One thing that has struck us in our scripture study is the extended period of time that civilizations would endure turmoil.  Over and over in the Old Testament, we see invaders or evil kings wreaking havoc for years and years – it wasn’t unusual for trials to go on for 40 years!  In modern times, we are trained to expect things to resolve in a few weeks, if not days.  Psychologically, we haven’t had to build the mental and spiritual muscles it takes to find internal stability in the midst of prolonged chaos.  That is where we have decided to focus our efforts.  While it may not be comforting to read stories of long-term tribulations in the bible or any history book, I do take comfort in the fact that humanity has overcome so much and God has sustained and redeemed far worse than we are seeing today.

There is one significant difference for modern times however, that we must take into account.  It was summarized well by Nadia Bolz-Weber last year:

It is this insight that informs our next step in the process of establishing internal stability: disconnecting from the global chaos and focusing solely on our village.  Beginning on June 1st, Justin and I will be working to remove ourselves from the fray for a season.  We are not sure how long is needed.  We are not sure what the disconnect looks like exactly.  What we do know is that it begins with logging out of phone apps and minimizing time on electronics.  What that looks like to our audience is quiet on our platforms: Instagram, Facebook, YouTube, blog, etc. Thankfully, we’ve built up a LOT of content in the past two years so there’s plenty there for you to check out and benefit from.

As psychotherapists, it is our responsibility to lead the way when it comes to mental, emotional and spiritual health so we are committed to doing the work of building the muscles needed to face the current task.  This gives us more to offer in our sessions with clients and as we figure out how to reconnect, we will share what we have learned.  It is our hope that this post sparks your own thoughts about reasonable expectations for yourself and what steps you need to take to thrive in this marathon we didn’t sign up for.  Give yourself grace and compassion – wherever you are emotionally, physically, mentally or spiritually.  We were not built for all of this so extreme measures will be required to move through it well.

Stay tuned…

 

 

Recognition and Grief

I don’t have all of the right words to say, and honestly, I’m not sure what those are at this point.

Because there are not any words that can take away the pain, atrocities, and grief that occurred this past weekend.

I had another blog post planned for this week but to move on and ignore what has occurred would be one of the highest forms of disrespect. We do not consistently comment on current events in this blog, but this is more than a current event. I also write this blog as a white female who, although I am an ally, cannot fathom the true pain and atrocities racism brings.

We talked a few posts back about our threat response system. How it is sensitive and responds to any possible threat, whether real or imagined, in order to keep us safe. Even for those who do not live in Buffalo, the crushing reality of the racism in the American way of life is a very real threat.

For those in bodies who are not white, who live in America, there is a daily threat against them simply because of color of their skin.

Their grief needs to be recognized.

Reality needs to be addressed.  

Part of what we do in therapy is learn how to pay attention to our own voice and to the voices of others.

For those of you who want to support the community of color, I encourage you to hear the voices of those around you. Actually hear them.

They don’t need your opinion or the “here’s what I would have done”. Hear them so you can understand that your reality is not the full picture.

Once you have heard them, and I mean truly heard them – their perspective, how this has impacted their daily lives, the pain, the frustration, the anger, the grief – then and only then can you respond from a place of love.

For those of you feeling the grief, I encourage you to be kind to your bodies. No, spending some extra quiet time this week will not suddenly fix everything. However, if we are not regulated and rested, it will be nearly impossible to bring about the type of change that needs to happen. So spend some time, listen to your body’s voice. What does it need?

You are seen.

You are loved.

You are not alone.

Rest times seven

Isn’t rest simply sitting still or sleeping?

Have you found yourself sleeping or being still a lot but feeling more exhausted than ever?

Maybe the rest you’re getting isn’t the kind of rest you need!

Anyone who knows me personally knows that I am fascinated with the biblical significance of numbers. It is well known by many in the Christian faith that the number seven represents completeness and perfection. Couple that factor with our recent focus on the body/soul/spirit depletion rampant in our society right now and it makes sense why the IG post shown here grabbed my attention!

The timing was perfect as we had decided, only days prior, to take some time off and I was in the midst of trying to plan that week away to be most replenishing. From the other side of that week off, I want to share how I used this information in hopes that practical examples help you apply this insight to your own life…

Step One: Make the decision to stop.  No matter what kind of rest we will discuss – all of it requires that we stop what we are doing.  As a small business owner, that is particularly difficult because we do not have a guaranteed salary.  If we aren’t seeing clients, we are not earning income.  With recent financial punches fresh in our memories, it didn’t seem possible to step away for a week but we knew that if we failed to walk our talk, not only would we pay a price far greater than money but our clients would be negatively affected as well.  We’re not advocating reckless abandon.  We simply know that we must count every cost: health, sanity, relational and functional – not just financial.

Step Two: Planning.  What I am about to share did not happen automatically.  I was already working on the details of our time off but when I saw this post, I ran with it to help ensure that our time would generate maximum benefit.

Physical – I chose several restorative yoga moves shown to address exhaustion and began with a 20 minute Savasana on the eve of our first day off.  I slept in that next day and made it my goal to stay in bed as much as possible all day.  I had already planned out my nutrition for the day so it was easy for me to get my meals and go back to lying down.  I ended the night with a full yoga practice and for the rest of the week, I ended each day with an extended restorative pose before getting into bed on time.

Mental – I logged out of all my social media accounts so that I could give my brain a break from all that is wrong with the world.  I committed one day to completing work tasks that had been plaguing me undone for weeks.  I picked up books I haven’t had time to read – giving me a chance to enjoy learning new concepts for my work as well as diving into fiction I love.  Throughout the week, I tuned into the playlists I already have.  During my nightly restorative pose, I used a beautiful bilateral worship music album.  Bilateral techniques are used to help heal our brains that have been wounded by the stresses and trauma of life.

Emotional – If you’ve followed us for any length of time, you know that we talk about grieving a lot.  It is a vital component of our response to the challenges and changes of life, but is a process we are not typically taught how to move through.  We made a commitment during this week off to utilize the same strategies that we teach our clients – focusing on the losses of the past two years.  Since Justin and I spent this time together, we were able to process our experiences with each other.  Another option is to schedule time with a friend, therapist or mentor who holds space well for your thoughts and feelings.

Social – The goal here is balance.  If you spend a majority of your time alone, then rest would entail spending more time around life-giving others.  As therapists, we spend the majority of our time interacting with others so we chose to spend our time alone.  Even as a couple, we spent a good bit of our week off in separate areas of the house.

Creative – I regularly keep an art journal so creativity and play is already an important part of my life.  I had grand plans for painting one of the many blank canvases I have piled up but I ended up just coloring in pages with my watercolor brush pens.  It was about play, not creative productivity.

Spiritual – We chose to spend a couple of days at St Leo Abbey which turned out to be the best decision of our time off.  Staying in their guest house places you in an atmosphere of quiet reflection.  We took the option of joining a couple of their prayer services where the Benedictine monks sing the psalms as prayers and ate meals with the brothers who live there.  This is where we leaned in to our grief work, making it a painful but deeply healing time.  Being away from home allowed us to truly focus internally and connect with God in ways we struggle to do in the every day.  The Abbey also has beautiful grounds on which to wander and commune with nature.

Sensory –  It is amazing how logging off all the “apps” automatically creates quiet.  I log out of everything on my phone because it is such an ingrained habit to tap on icons.  When I take this automatic action, I am faced with login prompts which immediately remind me, “I’m not doing this right now”.  Each time this happened, it was a reminder to simply sit in quiet and ask myself what I was looking for.  What do I need in this moment?  We also spent a quiet day in what I call our “happy place” – Bok Tower Gardens.  We have a membership which makes it an easy decision to go.  This membership also gives us free or significantly discounted access to gardens and museums around the country.

Did this week solve all of our problems and give us endless energy?  No.  The world, with all it’s ills, was there all along but we return to our work with mental, emotional and physical energy restored.  Our warning lights had come on and now we are able to get back on the road without alarm bells ringing.  We will take what we’ve learned about rest, forward into better management of ourselves as well as into our work with clients.

Hopefully, these thoughts give you ideas for identifying the type of rest you actually need and ways in which you can access it.  You don’t have to take a week – start small…even five minutes dedicated to a specific type of rest is a gift your body, soul and spirit will benefit from!

Dealing with Disappointment

 

It seems that is a common theme these days.

Plans are made, an interruption strikes, and disappointment enters.

 

A relationship doesn’t work out the way we hoped it would, a job doesn’t turn out how we thought, plans we were looking forward to are cancelled.

The day becomes entrenched in it, the weekend overcome by it. 

 

 

 

However, we often give away so much of our power to disappointment.

What would happen if we viewed the impact of the disappointment differently?

Notice I didn’t say “view the disappointment differently”. This is not a post on maintaining only positive thoughts and ignoring sadness. In order to feel happiness, we have to also feel the other emotions, including sadness. We can’t push down one without pushing down them all. 

So yes, it is okay to be sad when something we were hoping for doesn’t work out. It is okay to be disappointed when we were really excited for something to happen.

The key is how do we allow the disappointment to impact us.

Part of casting off the lie of powerlessness is not allowing external factors to control us.

Yes, external factors will impact all of us. However, we get to control our mindset, our hope, and how we respond.

So after feeling the disappointment, where do we go from there? Here are two key questions:

 

Can I flow with the change? – Similar to waves coming onto a beach. If we stand against the wave, it crashes against us. If we go with the wave, it takes us right back to shore. With disappointment, can we flow with the emotions then adjust our mindsets?

Often, when we hold our lives, plans, and ideas with tight fists, any slight adjustment will send us spiraling. The key is to hold our plans and relationships with a dose of both hope and reality. Hope that things will progress a certain way, but also reality in realizing the world we live in and that plans can change.*

 

How do we adjust our mindset? – Let’s say plans are cancelled because you were exposed to covid (again). You now have more free time on your hands than you did before. How do you view that time? Do you allow it to be overcome by the disappointment or do you find ways to still live? This could look like reading a good book, maybe taking a much needed rest, or deep cleaning that space in the house that you’ve been avoiding.

In therapy terms, this is called “reframing”. It is this concept of taking the same picture (ex. the exposure) and putting a new frame around it. It does not negate what has happened or take away the frustration, sadness, or disappointment. However, it does change how we view the picture.

For your disappointment, what is a possible reframe?

 

*Idea of holding hope and reality together came from a book called, People Can’t Drive You Crazy If You Don’t Give Them The Keys by Mike Bechtle. 

Surviving the Unknown

It took me a while to figure out how to begin this post.

So much has occurred in the previous weeks (years, really) that cannot be put into words.

The grief that has entered people’s lives, the chaos in the world today, and the fires that never seem to end. 

There have been so many “once in a lifetime” occurrences that I’ve lost track.

However, here is the dilemma : if we want to survive this, we have to find a way to survive. In other words, we have to find ways to take care of ourselves.

But if you’re anything like me right now, just being told to engage in self care is exhausting. It’s another to do list that I have no energy for, and frankly, don’t want to spend energy on.

So where do we go from here?

Below are three simple ideas that can maybe provide some encouragement during this time that take no energy to do at all

Comfort Corner : This one is my favorite. The whole premise is to find a place to de-stress. It doesn’t matter if it is a corner in your room, a seat in your car, or a place in nature. The goal is to have a place that is specifically used for receiving comfort and de-stressing. This way, whenever you go there, your body will actually begin to relax. Our director, Andrea, is doing a special Instagram Live on the Comfort Corner this week. You can visit our Instagram page to watch the video on more ways to do this, and other creative ideas. (My area that I go to currently has chocolate and cookies in it. I’ve prepped that area well.)

 

Drop the phone : Overstimulation is real. Our bodies were not created to take in coverage from the entire world non-stop everyday. The threat response systems in us are extremely sensitive to any possible threat, and that includes news coverage. Since it is also important to know what is going on outside of our immediate circles, maybe practice spacing out the times you are on social media or watching the news. For those born before the 2000’s, you probably remember how the news used to only come on at 5 pm. That’s when we would receive our daily updates for everything going on. Now, we are bombarded with information 24/7, most of it not comforting. So find times that work with your schedule – where there is an intentional time of gathering information and then a break to allow your body to regulate. 

*For those who want to really be challenged, try spending an hour (or even a full day) without your phone. Really allow your body to detox from the information overload it may have been experiencing. 

 

Release the shame : We live in a culture that is highly focused on performance. Not surprisingly, this has seeped into our view on taking care of ourselves as well. Now, we feel ashamed for “not doing enough” to take care of ourselves or those in our families who rely on us for provision and answers. Here is the truth though: you won’t have all of the answers and know exactly what to do every time. There will be days that getting out of bed is hard. There will be days that realizing you are awake and still here that are even harder. Give yourself permission to release the shame telling you that something is wrong with you or that you have failed. Physically push the shame off of your body. Like right now – physically push it off as you take a deep breath. As you inhale, imagine gathering the shame. Then as you exhale, imagine releasing the shame from your body.

As we continue this journey together over the coming weeks, I encourage you to form a mental mantra that you can repeat when you feel yourself getting burned out, exhausted, or just about to explode. 

For the end of this blog post, let’s practice one together. I placed the statements next to either “inhale” or “exhale”. As you breathe in or out, I encourage you to say those statements and allow your body to rest in them. I received this idea from an Instagram account called blackliturgies. Each post is powerfully written.

Inhale: I am still here.

Exhale: There is always hope.

Surviving the Holidays: Parent Edition

 

Welcome parents!

This holiday survival guide is specifically for you, as the stressors you experience are unique. You not only are trying to take care of yourself during this time, but of all the children and extended family who are home for the holidays. So before we begin, let us take a moment to breathe. Deep inhale in, long exhale out.

Reality is, with how much stress some parents feel, moments like that are too rare.

As we dive into this blog post, I want to provide a framework for how to view this season. To start with:

You are not powerless.

So often, we assume that the holidays = stress and that this stress is just something that will take over the holidays like normal.

False.

You were not designed to be overcome by stress every holiday season. You have been placed in a position of leadership and counsel. Stress cannot overcome you if you do not allow it, because you are not powerless.

We also have to pair this knowledge with the fact that we cannot control others

So if that one family member decides to start their usual drama and you find yourself in the bathroom wondering how you will get through the following weeks, remember this:

You don’t have to attend every fight you are invited to.

If they choose to start up their own emotional rollercoaster in the living room, you don’t have to get on. They don’t get to have that kind of power. 

This is a great time to then practice the deep breathing (longer exhale) and take a moment to slow down. This time of slowing down gives your brain a moment to think about how you would like to respond in a way that represents your character and integrity. How to say what you want to say wrapped in love, while also setting a firm boundary that you are willing to protect.

Now that we have the framework set, let’s dive in to three main guideposts for this season. Remember, the goal is to thrive, not just survive.

 

Guidepost 1: You are a human being, not human doing.

Yes, it’s kind of cheesy, I know, but it’s so true. I forget where I first heard it from but it gave me pause when I heard it. I was shocked how much of my life actually fit the “human doing” phrase better. 

At Phenix, we are reading a book called Soul Custody this holiday season. The author, Stephen Smith says this on page 18, “The Chinese have two characteristics for the English word ‘busyness’, which they define as ‘heart annihilation’.” The Chinese definitely have a different perspective on busyness than the American culture does. However, I think they have a point. When we are overly busy, we miss so much.

So here is the challenge question: is your holiday season too busy?

If you notice that it is, what can you adjust or change entirely?

 

Guidepost 2: Take care of yourself

Part of the role of parenting is caring for others. However, in order to rebuild, you also have to take care of you. This looks different for everyone, but it has to be incorporated at some point. If not, our bodies usually take over and we are forced to rest. 

In the same book as mentioned before, Stephen discusses how “the word ‘care’ has its roots in a Latin word that means ‘cure’.” (p. 17)

If we listen to that connection, then caring for our souls becomes a necessity.

This time of caring for yourself has to be intentional, especially as a parent. What would it look like to incorporate small things that bring you joy throughout the day? (yes, cookies count) What would it look like to intentionally do something that makes you smile?

This doesn’t have to mean bubble baths and face masks, as mainstream media typically depicts self care. 

No, soul care is different. 

Soul care is realizing you are more than just a body that is expected to perform. You are a person, someone with worth and value. Someone with dreams and goals. 

Soul care is realizing that living a life where you feel depleted all of the time is absolutely miserable, and you don’t have to live like that.

My encouragement for you this season is to find time to rest, to regroup. Incorporate things that bring you joy.

 

Guidepost 3: Know you are not alone.

No matter how you choose to celebrate the holidays, please remember this guidepost. 

Some families right now are having their first Christmas without loved ones due to covid or other illnesses. 

Some parents have recently gone through a divorce or separation, and this is their first holiday season without their partner present. 

This season may come with mixed feelings. You don’t have to shove those down or repress them. 

If you feel like they are about to overwhelm you, like the grief is too deep to wade through, remember you are not alone. 

Grief, and emotions, are like waves (as our director, Andrea, points out). There will be times that the waves feel like they are swallowing you whole. Other times, they will lap at your ankles. However, the waves do recede. 

When you feel like a big wave is hitting, here are a few things you can do: talk to a friend, journal, draw, or do something with your hands (working on a car, gardening, cleaning) while you process. You are not powerless here. 

Thank you for tuning in to our holiday guideposts!

I hope you all have a wonderful holiday season and a happy new year.

See you in 2022!

How to Survive the Holidays: College Edition

Welcome back one and all to

our holiday survival guide!


This week’s post is for those of you out there who are trying to navigate passing finals, finishing the semester, moving, and surviving the holidays all at once.

Otherwise known as “college”.

This applies to those in undergrad, post grad, or doctorate level. There are just some similarities between all of them – primarily the stress level and the amount that is added to your plate late November through December every year.

Below are three guideposts specifically for you guys. I hope these help during this season and you are able to achieve the goal of not just surviving, but thriving.

 

Guidepost 1: Rest

The majority of individuals in college don’t have a problem with realizing how long their to-do list is during this time. What actually ends up being the problem is the lack of rest.

Your body needs rest, and no, 3 hours a night does not count, especially when you are living on coffee and red bull the next day.

As you are finishing finals over the next week and beginning to enter holiday mode 2.0, my encouragement is that you implement time to rest. Try allowing yourself to sleep for 6-8 hours at least one night. Have breaks during the day where you can walk, read, or just take a mental break. In order to function at its optimal level, your brain needs time to decompress. 

 

Guidepost 2: Nourish

You need food and water.

Yes, I know that seems self-explanatory. 

However, when our schedules get crazy, one of the first things to go (besides sleep) is adequate nourishment for our bodies. We start upping the caffeine intake, lessening the amount of water, and eating a full meal becomes a rarity. How much better do you think you would feel if you had food throughout the day and water to drink?

So let’s see what it would look like to change that.

Instead of picking a random goal, such as cooking three meals from scratch daily starting tomorrow, let’s pick one that is attainable. If you set goals that are easier to meet at first, it actually ends up encouraging you to keep going. If you set the goal too high at first and don’t successfully complete it, discouragement is the primary result. What would be an attainable, appropriate goal to set here? I would break it up so you have one for food and one for water.

 

Guidepost 3: Joyful movement 

Movement does wonders for the body, especially when dealing with a lot of stress or coming out of a stressful time. 

This doesn’t mean you need to go buy a gym membership and start tomorrow. Joyful movement isn’t based on weight loss, calories, or expectations. It is just movement that you enjoy. A leisurely walk, roller blading, yoga, dance, gardening, swimming in the ocean (it’s hot here in Florida), or walking the dog. All of these are examples of movement that can bring joy with no pressure. 

Meditative movement is also very helpful. This is movement you can do while letting your mind wander or focus on specific sensations in your body. I find both can be powerful. Sometimes for my walks, I just allow my mind to go. It allows me time to think through all of the million thoughts that are coming in at once. The walking helps my brain process them as well since my body is now involved. Other times, focusing on my body and the intentional relaxation of it is what is needed. This requires slowing down, deep breathing, and intentional thoughts. 

 

Guidepost 4: Celebrate 

Definitely couldn’t leave this one out!

Please celebrate.

You have worked so hard this past semester to finish so much. 

Pick something you enjoy – whether it be a specific place, people group, or food – and go!

 

Confessions of a Counselor Part 3

Confessions of a Counselor Part 3

How aware are you of your self-talk and the words you use with yourself and others? 

It’s time again to share another hidden treasure of therapy, which at first can seem really annoying, but over time becomes a tremendous asset. That hidden treasure: awareness of the actual words you use with yourself and others. What do I mean? Well let’s take a quick inventory. I want you to stop, slow down…. and listen to what is going on in your mind right now. Do you notice these words: must, have to, got to, should have. Those are cue words. Those words are pressuring and usually a solid sign that your self-talk has switched into a critical nature. If you are in therapy with us and you have chosen to use parts of self as your lens for the work, the words listed above are signs your critical parent is in the driver’s seat, which is not where we want that part of self in the car.

Again – stop, slow down, and take notice of the words you are using with others. Are you noticing those, have to, should have, need to, and got to’s? This is typically a sign that you are triggered and maybe feeling that you are not good enough, you didn’t do enough, or feel a loss of control. When those feelings rise up, we tend to grasp at controlling those around us. Yikes…

So, why are we talking about this? Well, one of the benefits and early annoyances in therapy is that not only are you generally growing in awareness of how you behave, but also the words that are running around your mind. Now, more than ever, you’ll be cognizant of the verbiage you use to communicate with others. This is important because sometimes we are unaware of how our self-talk switches through the day. Becoming aware of those words you use with yourself is imperative to the therapeutic journey because it is in those moments of catching the self-talk changing that you can check-in and ask, “what just happened?”. Otherwise, you simply go on the ride of how your mind always operated before you began therapy.

When you are able to stop and ask the above question it now gives you the opportunity to see what may have triggered you or bothered you. This is amazing because now you can take back the power and control over your thoughts and reactions. You can really begin the process of change!

How to Survive the Holidays Part 2

Welcome back to our holiday survival guide!

Last week, we explored how gaining awareness of ourselves and those around us is crucial in not only surviving the holidays, but thriving. 

This week, we explore the next three guideposts in surviving the holidays.

 

Guidepost 3: Time to evaluate

There are two main questions for this guidepost:

Was this Thanksgiving break a time of relaxation and reprieve (or did work become the escape)?

Overall, what do you want your holidays to look like? 

Both are great questions as we continue to dive into a holiday experience that brings rejuvenation, rest, and joy. I encourage you to journal or talk to a close friend about your answers here. Take some time and really explore them.

Thanksgiving was probably a good precursor to how the Christmas holidays will go. If it resulted in higher stress for you, this is the perfect time to evaluate what you would like to do for December. How you spend the time during the holidays matters. For many, this is one of the only breaks from work or school that they will receive all year. It is vital that there are some moments of rest.

Which leads me to the next guidepost… 


Guidepost 4: Know yourself and what you need

Here are your two main questions for this guidepost:

How do you recharge during your time off?

What can you add in during the holiday time to assist with that?

Again, Thanksgiving can be a great learning experience. If you felt burnt out or exhausted after this holiday, then you now have the opportunity and time to evaluate. How can you be creative during this upcoming Christmas vacation to add in moments of recharge and rest? 

For the clients I work with, I encourage them to add in moments that incorporate their senses, inner child, and relationships. Let me explain. Your five senses are used daily to experience the world around you. Each of us have things that we love to experience, whether that be through taste, sight, sound, smell, or touch. Adding in moments on a daily basis that bring you joy is so vital to thriving in this life. During the holidays, I know that a walk outside does wonders for my mood and stress levels. I love to hear the birds in the morning and spend time in nature. It helps me focus. For others, it is the feeling of a warm blanket wrapped around them with hot cocoa. 

This then also plays into your inner child. We are all passionate about different things. Incorporate those things this Christmas! Allow your creativity and playfulness to emerge. This can be through decorating the house, getting crafty, or implementing hobbies you enjoy (like baking cookies).

For moments that incorporate relationships, spend time with those around you who build into you, encourage you, and see you for who you are. These are the life giving moments that can happen as you take a walk with a friend, share a good meal with someone, or grab a cup of coffee since it’s freezing out. (Yes, I was born and raised in Florida. I get cold when a breeze blows.)

I would also encourage you to spend time with yourself. This is a relationship that is often neglected but so vital. Take a walk, read a good book, enjoy some yoga, build something new, or tear apart a car. This alone time is also recharging and necessary, just like the relational time with others is. 

And lastly…

 

Guidepost 5: No.

It’s a complete sentence. You are allowed to say it, especially if an environment, outing, or family member has been shown to be unsafe.

You are not obligated to attend any gathering or talk to every family member.

I know that this goes against so many things you have been told and is uncomfortable to even acknowledge. However, part of thriving during the holiday season is realizing that you can protect yourself, even here. You are worth protecting. (Read that sentence again.) You do not need to relive the childhood trauma you endured because the person who hurt you decided they want you to come for Christmas dinner. 

No is a complete sentence. 

 

Thanks for joining me on the guideposts to surviving the holiday season.

If you have any other guideposts you would like mentioned or broken down, leave a comment below and I’ll add them into the next post.

I hope you all have a wonderful holiday season!