Psychotherapy Archives - Page 3 of 4

The toughest job

January 26, 2017 by Andrea

We parent as well as we were parented. That can be a comforting or frightening statement…depending on our history. I remember when I first gave birth, I was determined to do this thing “right”. This is how I had been trained to approach everything for 20 years. Certainly, this task – the most important one I’d ever tackle – demanded my best. Then, to make things really interesting, my little one was diagnosed with a chronic illness for which there was no cure.

Looking back on my parenting path, I see a developmental journey: Stage one was the thirst for knowledge. I had been essentially an only child. I had never babysat a child, never changed a diaper. To say I was ‘green’ would have been an understatement. But I was diligent and committed. I knew that there was much from my history that I did not want to repeat so I read the books, listened to the radio shows and subscribed to the magazines. Stage two was about behavior. I was raised in a culture that valued presentation and good behavior and while I was determined not to use the same punishments, I was still invested in similar outcomes. Except…this little girl was not at all interested in conforming as I had been. She marched to the beat of her own drum. Stage three was bedlam. My well crafted systems were not working. My home environment changed and my beloved was dancing at the edge of dangerous canyons. I was completely undone. Stage four found me in complete retreat. I was forced to go back to the drawing board to figure out what my true parenting goals were and how I was going to accomplish them. From a faith perspective, I began to realize that while it was easy to focus on my daughter as ‘the problem’, God’s spotlight was squarely on me…what was being unearthed within me by her refusal to fall in step with my beat? Slowly, my focus changed as I entered stage five. From behavior to relationship. From nagging to introspection – an awareness of what each conflict was meant to teach me. Not that I abdicated my responsibility as a parent. I was still the authority but I streamlined those functions and attempted to spend more time on personal growth and pursuing intimate connection with her. I am forever grateful that my final parenting stage (six) was an imperfect attempt at unconditional love. I solidified my understanding of who she was as a person…what she was responsible for (which I was not) and what I was truly responsible for as her mom. Unfortunately, I had just crested this summit when she disappeared.

Maybe you recognize yourself somewhere in these stages. It’s helpful sometimes to know that you’re on a developmental journey, that this will get better. This isn’t a researched and validated developmental theory but hopefully, it is still helpful in reassuring you that this is normal – whatever your “this” is. That there is a progression here. Don’t get me wrong. It didn’t play out in the linear way I’ve presented here. It was more like a circuitous roller-coaster ride that cycled in and out of the stages in no particular order. Once again, if that is how you’re feeling, you’re not alone.

I have a passion for coming along-side parents on their journey. I’m not a “drop your kid off and I’ll fix them” therapist. In my view, it begins and ends with parents – if for no other reason than we have the ultimate responsibility and authority to respond to whatever is happening with the child. We are the leaders in this equation. Our children give us an opportunity to grow as people in a way no other interaction can and I love helping my clients harness the occasion. As parents flourish, children naturally improve. This only happens however when parents feel safe. Safe to vent, cry, blame, speak the truth of what they are actually thinking and feeling without judgment. The last thing we need is someone to make us feel like a failure. What is needed is empathy, encouragement and hope. A place where our ugly is held and our pain is validated. Where root causes are unearthed and processed so that we move in a different direction. That is what I do with my clients so if you’re looking for a coworker on this – the toughest job of all; give us a call. The rewards in stage six are well worth the journey!

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: Children, Counseling, Parenting, Psychotherapy, Purpose, Relationships

Living with chronic illness

January 9, 2017 by Andrea

It’s like having an uninvited house guest who contributes nothing, eats everything in the kitchen, occasionally damages the furniture and won’t leave despite all attempts to kick him out. Eventually, resignation sets in and you begin trying to figure out how you’re going to work around this vermin over the long-term.

A chronic illness diagnosis (cancer, diabetes, arthritis, to name a few examples) changes everything and what makes it a special kind of challenge is the complexity of the effects. Everything is connected to everything else and so it seems no matter how much time goes by, you continue to discover another area that is impacted by the diagnosis. Let’s break down the major categories:

Obviously, there are physical changes which come with the diagnosis. Those vary according to the specific illness. The consistent theme however, is the idea of limitation. Physically, your body just doesn’t perform in the way you are used to. Changes may be immediate or insidiously appear over time. Energy level is often greatly affected and thus motivation to accomplish what was normal for you in the past, wanes significantly. All of this leads to some form of identity crisis as our culture has so trained us to associate identity/worth with production. If I cannot function/produce at the level to which I am accustomed, what does that say about me? What makes me worthwhile?

Mentally – most chronic illnesses do impact brain functioning. At best, we may experience some mental ‘fogginess’. At worst, there may be physiological changes to the brain that result in difficulties with long and/or short-term memory or even personality change. Processing speed often declines and things like executive functioning may be challenged. It is difficult to determine which of these changes result from the illness itself and which are side effects of long-term medications.

Emotionally – the self-worth battle is a significant issue. As we lose major aspects of how we defined ourselves, we struggle to redefine and focus on what now makes us who we are. If we have always struggled with self-care, the idea of prioritizing self and doing what it takes to pursue health is a foreign concept. We may face spiritual crisis as we wrestle with the idea of a higher power that would allow this to happen. This current battle filters through the lens of all we have experienced. The meanings we have made of our childhood then, determine how we integrate this latest development. If those meanings are dysfunctional – managing a chronic illness becomes nearly impossible. One of my areas of special interest is the reciprocal nature of this domain. So many chronic illnesses have a correlation with unresolved emotional challenges. It is becoming clear from medical research that emotional trauma increases the rates of chronic illness. Thus, it makes sense that addressing emotional trauma would be a key component of preventing/treating chronic illness and that is one of my passions!

Socially – our loved ones struggle to adjust to the implications of our diagnosis. As we sort out the lifestyle changes needed to care for our condition, the aforementioned limitations; as we deal with our own changing self concept, we relate to everyone differently. If we are not aware of this, then we are not even able to help others figure out what is happening and thus, we collectively exist in a state of confusion and frustration. In the end, everyone is experiencing their own grieving process of the way things used to be and the envisioned future that now will not manifest as planned. Grieving is complicated (denial, bargaining, anger, depression, acceptance). Imagine a system of individuals all working through that process at their own unique speeds in the context of their own functional and dysfunctional coping skills and core meanings. Is it any wonder that it gets messy?! Suffice it to say, relationships are absolutely impacted, yet very little attention is given to this area.

Unfortunately, most medical teams do not take the time to inform, much less address these complex issues. Too many patients muddle through their diagnosis, unaware of the developmental impact and what are very normal implications. Our default is to always seek status quo (remember learning about homeostasis in biology class?) and so the aftermath of a diagnosis often looks like a constant battle to return to our “normal” with increasing frustration at the inability to do so. The scary part is that all of this then exacerbates our illness, making our physical condition worse and creating a vicious cycle of decline.

My hope is that this information helps someone realize that they are not the problem. That the struggles they have been having are perfectly normal in the reality of a chronic illness and that there is hope! Knowledge is power and once we understand what we are dealing with, we can create and execute a plan of attack. Just as the doctor delivers information, prompts options in need of research, creates the physical treatment plan and monitors progress – so too can the counselor educate on the developmental impact of chronic illness, highlight areas for exploration, as well as create the emotional, mental and social treatment plan. Carefully working on self-worth and relationships within the context of physical limitations is key. Constantly monitoring self-care: sleep, nutrition and movement is a requirement. Completing the tasks of grieving is necessary for transitioning into a new normal: taking inventory and accepting the reality of your losses, working through the pain of loss, adjusting to the new environment created by the current reality and integrating the old self with the new self. The best part is that this work improves physical outcomes so despite the difficulty of the process, it is definitely worth it!

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: Chronic Illness, Coping Skills, Grief, Holistic health, Identity, Mind Body Connection, Psychotherapy, Relationships, Self Care, Self Love, Somatic

Fresh Starts

January 3, 2017 by Andrea

Some of us get excited about the new year. We see it as a new chapter in our books: a blank page, a clean slate. Others are so sick of the “new year, new you” grandiosity that emerges this time of year. We cast cynical eyes at the bright-eyed hopefuls…mentally calculating how long it will take them to fall back to the bottom of the same pits they’ve lived in for years. Social media is full of commentary on ‘new year resolutions’ – some encouraging, some disparaging and some offering a ‘third way’ perspective. Where do you fall on the continuum?

Regardless of your stance, there is a reason that humanity so consistently gravitates toward new year rituals. I believe we are naturally wired to operate seasonally. A brief look at nature shows us this rhythm: each year there is soil preparation, planting, hope, watering, weeding, harvesting, barrenness and then new beginnings. In the winter, the farmer assesses the previous year’s experience, using that information to plan out the next year’s crops. Seeds are ordered and excitement begins to build toward the possibilities next summer. Is it any coincidence that those same activities seem natural to us in the middle of winter (New Year’s Day)? Seems to me that adopting a crotchety attitude toward all of this is rather fruitless (no pun intended 🙂 ). Thus, we have a choice: do we jump on the bandwagon of renewal or do we sit it out with the assumption that nothing ever changes anyway?

I’m a counselor so I’m sure it’s no mystery where I fall. My entire field is about transformation so any excuse to move toward that is something to be excited about in my world. I believe the key is realism. I think this is where the bandwagon falls apart – we spend December in a whirlwind of comparison. The holidays ramp up the social media highlight reel, making it that much easier to look at our own lives through a distorted lens which inspires a long laundry list of all that is wrong. We spend December mentally beating ourselves up and by the 31st, we have created a herculean plan for life overhaul which we enthusiastically proclaim and begin on the 1st. Only to fall flat before the first month of the year is done 🙁 . Yeah….let’s not do that again.

Again, realism is key. It is now the third day of the year. I’ll assume we’ve basically come down from the high of the first day and we may already be casting skeptical eyes at our resolutions. Before you abandon ship, could we explore some adjustments? I’d like to offer a few suggestions:

Resolutions are goals. They are nice for painting the destination but they don’t necessarily give us any idea how to get there. We need to define action steps.
If you made more than one resolution, may I suggest that you choose just one? What is most important to you? Focus is vital!
Reflect on 2016. What happened in this area of your life? What were the specific things that held you back in this area? Make a list of those factors.
For each item on the list – what specific action will you need to take to conquer that obstacle? What routines will you need to develop in order to reprogram the way you typically operate? What rewards do you need to set up to reinforce these new behaviors? Break things down into a list of small, specific steps.
Break our your calendar/planner (paper or electronic) and start mapping out those specific steps throughout the entire year. Spread out the steps so that you are doing no more than one new thing each week. Don’t take everything on at once! Stagger out the steps over time so that you make changes gradually – giving yourself enough time to establish each new step before moving to the next one.
Ideally, it is best if you schedule the steps at a particular time/day but at the very least, record a reminder on a particular day of the week (or repeated every day of that week if needed). Consider setting alarms on your phone to remind you of things you need to do.
While you’re at it – schedule a monthly check in now to assess how you’re doing: what’s working and what needs to change.
What resources can you turn to for maintaining hope throughout the year? (Magazines, Facebook pages, blogs, devotionals, etc.) Sign up for those now so it is automatic.
Who can you enlist as an accountability partner/encourager? Talk to them now and agree on specific contact: weekly phone call/text/Facebook message? Consider including that person in your monthly check ins to help you assess and stay on track.

Transformation is extremely difficult but it is definitely possible. As we’ve discussed before in this space, it is nearly impossible to do alone though so if you find yourself struggling to stay the course, if you can’t find effective support – please consider counseling. Good therapy is one of the best ways to pursue renewal so don’t flounder alone!

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: Coping Skills, Counseling, Foundations, Hope, Life Seasons, New Beginnings, Psychotherapy, Rebirth, Renewal, Self Care, Transformation, Transitions

Shattered

November 30, 2016 by Andrea

One of the greatest joys I have in my work is the privilege of helping clients piece the parts of themselves back together after a lifetime of brokenness. Sometimes we find ourselves limping through relationships, work situations or family responsibilities. It is typically problems in these areas that bring people into counseling. For far too many, it doesn’t take long to discover the roots of these troubles as multiple incidences of abuse, betrayal, and/or neglect in the crucial early years of life. American culture is rooted in a “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” mentality. Everywhere we turn, the general message is to put our heads down and push through whatever obstacles come our way, in order to achieve and succeed. Add to that the fact that folks who come from hard places often spend at least early adulthood in survival mode. They don’t have the luxury of examining their pain and learning from it – every day is about making sure there is food on the table, a roof over their heads and beating back the fear or depression that threatens to consume. We tend to minimize our experiences – “it wasn’t that bad” – and we shy away from the word, “trauma”. The reality is though that any life experience that presented a threat to life or health, which elicited significant fear or helplessness is a trauma. If we are honest with ourselves, many of us have such an experience in our history…sometimes multiple. The resources to obtain assistance for emotional needs are usually scarce in such a scenario. Even for those with means, the general approach is to ignore the past and look ahead to the next job, relationship or location that will make all the difference. Unfortunately, the body and mind remembers. Early trauma sets into motion dysfunctional beliefs that carry through into adulthood. It distorts view of self and as research is now discovering – it literally changes the way the brain develops. The effects of significant childhood difficulties are multilayered and extend into every area of adult life – relationships, career, self concept, cognitive functioning, physical health, etc. In order to live life to the fullest, these effects must be faced, grieved and overcome. The problem is, this is a painful process that is almost impossible to complete alone. Hence why so many folks live their entire lives never experiencing significant healing.

This doesn’t have to be our story. Competent, compassionate counseling is one of the most effective ways to address this. What does that look like? It requires a counselor who understands the multilayered impact of trauma – how it affects every aspect of development: socially, emotionally, physically, cognitively and spiritually. Wading into these waters with clients is difficult. A counselor who has not learned to sit with their own pain, who has not thoroughly grieved their own traumas, will not be able to sustain themselves in this work. They inevitably resort to techniques and interventions that promise a quick fix and allow them to stay distanced from your pain. True healing requires an empathic, authentic connection which provides the comfort and safety needed to face the ugly. This relationship is foundational. From there, the process begins with creating safety: cataloging resources available to the client outside of counseling, identifying the warning signs of emotional overload, as well as teaching visualization and relaxation techniques that will be used throughout the work. Unfortunately, this is a step that gets missed in some counseling encounters which go straight into unpacking traumatic experiences with no tools for the client to cope outside of sessions. This is clearly a very dangerous approach which can inoculate clients against counseling forevermore.

Once the client has mastered the skills necessary to cope with what they are about to face, then we can begin to explore their story. This can happen in a variety of ways: verbally, or through writing, art or other expressive methods. Using a variety of modalities allows the client to access multiple aspects of their experience. The therapist facilitates the safety needed to tell the story and helps the client connect the dots between their experience and resulting beliefs, behaviors, decisions, health symptoms, and attachment styles. Losses are identified and grieving is encouraged and guided. This alone brings a tremendous amount of emotional relief. It also identifies core beliefs that have driven dysfunctional patterns. With the insight gained, choices are made regarding what needs to change and thus begins improvement in relationships and thinking. Throughout the process, physical health is monitored and addressed. Trauma experiences, as well as trauma work has physiological consequences and so the therapist must be proactive in assessing this area and partnering with professionals who are competent in treating patients with traumatic histories.

It is likely obvious by now that this is a delicate, unpredictable process that cannot be rushed. By the time we choose to seek this kind of counseling, we have typically been dealing with the effects of trauma for many, many years. Addressing it completely then, will take some time. Everyone’s coping skills level and emotional reservoir coming into the process is different and determines how long healing will take so there is no formula to be applied here. If you find yourself struggling to manage your emotions, ‘zoning out’ a lot, dealing with chronic health issues, beating yourself up, or battling multiple relationship issues, there is likely a trauma connection. Give us a call!

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: Coping Skills, Counseling, Psychotherapy, Rebirth, Transformation, Trauma

The great adventure!

November 16, 2016 by Andrea

Last week, we discussed expressive therapy. This week, I wanted to discuss a related modality – adventure therapy! This form of therapy is also active and experiential and utilizes a similar focus on process. Clients engage in fun activities like ropes courses, rock climbing, kayaking, etc., in the presence of the therapist. In expressive therapy, I explained that the product was not the center – the process is. Similarly, with adventure therapy – the activity itself is not the center which means that the possibilities are endless. What matters is that therapist and client choose an activity that offers some challenge, either physically or psychologically, to be overcome. It is in facing this challenge and working through it together that transformation happens. Your therapist is able to observe the way in which you approach the activity and offer encouragement along the way. They take note of what emerges verbally and non-verbally. After the activity, therapist and client discuss the process to identify both the conscious and unconscious meanings. The goal is to transfer the lessons learned during the activity into the life challenges faced. It is one thing to discuss solutions and new perspectives. It is another level entirely to actually apply new perspectives to novel challenges – providing an experiential testing ground. There is an undeniable power in such tangible evidence..making it far more likely that you will actually apply what has been learned.

Like expressive therapy – adventure therapy bypasses the typical defenses we have in place for traditional verbal communication. Participating in a novel activity opens us up in ways conversation alone cannot. Though the research on neurological effects is sparse, it is reasonable to deduce that this form of therapy also utilizes unique areas of the brain, leading to results not achieved when sitting in a chair. We have already proven that exposure to nature has profound healing effects on depression, anxiety and ADHD. With most of these sessions happening outside, we have a double benefit. Certainly, it is also interesting to consider how the physical activity of adventure therapy may bring healing to physiologically stored trauma. In the end though, I once again emphasize the relationship between client and therapist as the safe container within which this work must occur if it is to be effective! We’re excited to be looking at ways we can incorporate adventure therapy in the practice here at Phenix. We believe these modalities, combined with the relational foundation of our therapeutic approach offer a powerful combination for healing and transformation.

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: Adventure Therapy, Foundations, Psychotherapy, Purpose, Transformation

When talking isn’t enough

November 10, 2016 by Andrea

“Expressive therapies”. Maybe you’ve heard the term – it has certainly appeared in Phenix content before. However, you may not have clarity on what that means. So what is it exactly? It is the use of creative arts as a form of therapy. This can include art, music, dance, drama, etc. Unlike the formal practice of art however, expressive therapy focuses on the process of creativity versus a final product. This form of therapy has gained popularity due to the fact that clients often have very well developed defense systems in place to protect them from cognitively/verbally facing their pain. Even clients who enter therapy with full intention to deal with what needs to be tackled can find themselves struggling to access their history and its attendant feelings. Enter expressive therapies which utilize non-verbal forms of communication. Drawing, painting, writing, dancing – these activities access a completely different part of the brain than talking does. Thus, the results are often quite different. Since most of us are not accustomed to communicating in this manner, we have not developed the complex systems of defenses we have mastered verbally. As we awkwardly fumble through expressive assignments, we’re just trying to figure out how to follow the instructions, leaving us often unaware of the emotions and stories unfolding through our expression. This provides a valuable window into our subconscious, undefended world.

What we produce in expressive therapy can be very enlightening: a poem or song composed, a picture painted – these pieces capture our often unknown world and together, the therapist and client step back and analyze what has been created. It is a wonderful way to pursue the knowing of self that has been referred to on this blog before. However, as we have discussed, this can be wonderfully fun and terrifying at the same time. We are generally not used to the clarity of self that expressive therapy brings so facing the realities uncovered can bring difficulty. We discover hidden strengths, but also carefully avoided shadows. Though it is the product that is being analyzed, the process of discovery that this analysis entails is the true focus of the therapist.

Overall, process is the key to expressive therapy. What the client feels and thinks during the activity matters. What is happening physically is observed by the therapist. All of this provides key insight into the emotions, history and meanings underneath client experiences. These insights are what allow understanding to emerge regarding destructive patterns and provide the empowerment needed to change them. It’s all about process which is a stark contrast to the product-focused society we live in. Participating in this form of therapy often brings an entirely new dimension into the client’s life. When its power is observed in therapy, there is a natural move to incorporate a process focus into the rest of one’s life as well. What we have here is a win-win result!

An important aspect of expressive therapy has to do with information that we are just beginning to learn in the field of neuropsychology. New information about the workings of the brain comes out every single day and while this is an exciting age, I often caution my students to maintain a humility with this exploding field…based on the fact that there is still so much we do NOT know. That said, what we are finding so far is that trauma experiences affect the physiological tissue and workings of the brain. This impact has been shown to correlate with physical illnesses as well as behavioral and cognitive patterns. The race is on to develop a system of categorizing these brain changes and creating brain-based interventions that will address this physiological root of client struggles. In the meantime, expressive therapies have shown early signs of healing effects upon the limbic system – parts of the brain responsible for emotions, survival instincts, and memory. Traditional talk therapy does not seem to have the same power in this area of the brain!

Overall, expressive therapy provides a valuable tool in the therapist’s kit for accessing aspects of trauma impact that other modalities fall short with. The same logic applies to brain-based modalities like EMDR, ACT or EFT. My personal approach however is holistic which means I do not ascribe to a one-modality approach. It is my firm belief that deep and long lasting healing requires a complex process that attends to the many facets of human functioning: verbal/non verbal expression and exploration of meaning, brain based interventions, as well as physical health – sleep, nutrition and movement. I also firmly believe that all of this must take place within the confines of a healthy and connected therapeutic relationship because it is this connection that opens up the brain and heart to true transformation. Stay tuned next week for a look at a related form of therapy that Phenix will be expanding into soon!

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: Chronic Illness, Expressive Art, Expressive Therapy, Foundations, Psychotherapy, Rebirth, Transformation, Trauma

I’ve never been in therapy…

October 6, 2016 by Andrea

We often get our view of reality from television but it only takes one hospital visit to learn that real life is not like Grey’s Anatomy. Likewise, if you’ve never been to therapy, it’s a dangerous plan to assume it might be what you’ve seen portrayed on TV or in movies. So, what can you expect? First of all, you don’t need a mental health disorder to come to therapy. In actuality, most people seek counseling for a host of regular life problems: relationship struggles, major life transitions, parenting challenges, etc. Yes, there will be questions to determine the severity of the issues you are facing but your therapist does not see you as “sick” or “crazy”. A good therapist regularly sees her or his own counselor, for that matter.

Choosing the right therapist has two components: First – finding someone with the appropriate knowledge and skill for your particular concerns. Second – finding someone with whom you have a personal chemistry. That second component is tricky as it is difficult to predict who you will “click” with but this is such an important requirement. It is possible to sit with a perfectly competent therapist but not make significant progress in your work due to a lack of connection between you and the therapist. This is why Phenix offers a free initial consult to all new clients. Hopefully, you have a network of friends and/or family to whom you can turn for referrals. They know you best and can likely predict who might be a good fit for you. Check the recommended providers’ websites to see what they specialize in. Finally, give your prospects a call to discuss what you are interested in addressing so that you can get a sense of how well you might connect to this person. A few questions you could ask are:

What experience do you have working with this issue?
How do you typically approach helping clients with this issue?
What resources do you most often recommend to your clients?
How has your own personal therapy informed the work you do with clients?

Your first several sessions are usually quite different from subsequent sessions here at Phenix:

Our free consult gives you the opportunity to ask the questions needed to determine if you have chosen the right person to work with. We also will complete basic mental health screenings to ensure that tele-therapy is the right level of care for you. We intentionally utilize only a one-page information form prior to the appointment because we understand that we cannot expect full disclosure from someone we have not met and we have not yet established a therapeutic relationship.
If you choose to initiate therapy after the free consult, you will receive full disclosure documents electronically so that you can see the details of our therapeutic relationship but you do not have to sign it until after your first appointment where you can clarify anything that does not make sense to you. During this first therapy appointment, we discuss your goals and the potential ways in which we would be helpful to you, finalizing a tentative plan for moving forward if that is agreeable to you.
Intake documents are shared electronically after the first therapy appointment for you to complete. By this time, you have met with your therapist twice and can feel a little more comfortable sharing detailed information. The second therapy appointment is what we call an “intake” during which we ask a number of questions designed to obtain the details of your concerns as well as the context in which these concerns occur: social, physical, emotional and mental history as well as current status. If you wish to include your spiritual journey – that is discussed as well. This gives your therapist a window into your complex world.
At the third appointment, your therapist will generally offer a summary of all that has been shared as well as their understanding of the presenting concerns and it’s underlying components. Often, your therapist connects dots, pointing out dynamics that may have gone unnoticed. This is a collaborative process in which you participate to shape an overall narrative that then drives the action plan to be created. You and your therapist establish goals and agree upon interventions for pursuing them.

From that point forward, appointments typically involve: discussions of progress, exploration of emerging insight, expressive activities (non verbal interventions such as art), skill learning and relational check-ins (monitoring your relationship with your therapist). A sacred space is created where you can be fully who you are, saying/expressing exactly what you need to say with privacy and no judgment. Your therapist guides these interactions according to the goals you established at the beginning, though those goals may be adjusted along the way. Each time we meet, you create action plans for applying what happens in therapy to your daily life. It is these experiments in your world that become a main topic of our meetings – determining what is working, what is not and why. Clients always have control over what they wish to discuss though your therapist will challenge the areas you tend to avoid as they are often most relevant. Even so, you are always in the driver’s seat.

There is no standard length of time for therapy. The number of sessions clients come in for varies wildly. Much depends on the complexity of their goals and the depth they are willing to go in transformation of self. Some clients reach a satisfactory level of growth after a few months…some clients who wish to tackle long-term, traumatic issues attend therapy for years – albeit spaced out such as monthly appointments. Again, you determine how far you want to go and for how long. Hopefully, this helps bring clarity to the therapy process. We are much more likely to take a new path if we have some idea of what to expect!

Filed Under: Mental Health Tagged With: Counseling, Hope, Psychotherapy, Therapy

Career Work

September 27, 2016 by Andrea

One of the courses I teach regularly is Career Development. As a result, that topic is regularly on my radar. I really enjoy teaching the class and love even more – working with people who are making decisions about their career. So, how does the process work?

Career development begins with knowing yourself. (Does this blog have a theme or what?) How can we determine our best career fit if we don’t fully know ourselves? Thus, the counseling process begins with working collaboratively to drill down to the true self – who God created you to be. I use a combination of the Career Style Interview (CSI) developed by Savickas as well as results from familiar assessments like the MBTI or the Strong Interest Inventory. Assessments are wonderful for identifying specific traits, interests and talents but if the goal is to get to know the true self, we have to go deeper and that’s where the CSI comes in. It offers a creative way to explore who you really are, the foundational ideals that define you, environments in which you thrive, how you deal with problems, and the deeper preoccupations that drive you. This gives context to the assessment results.

The second part of the career development process applies to clients who wish to include their faith journey. For this, I use Gordon T Smith’s book, Courage and Calling. It is the best resource I’ve found for walking through the process of discerning God’s call on our lives. Not everyone is a reader so perhaps we use the book on audio or I share the videos I’ve created from the book for the class I teach…whatever works to get into the material. Then, we digest it all according to your learning style: journaling, expressive projects or discussion.

The peak of the process is in stepping back and looking at all the data: the contextual picture of self, specific assessment results, and the spiritual principles learned (if we took that route). At this stage, I provide interpretation and suggestions to help you create the vision for your future that feels most authentic to your God-given purpose. Homework usually involves the research needed to craft your specific strategy – typically interviews with folks in your field of interest, visits to schools if further education is required, etc. With this information, we are able to set out a step by step plan for walking in your vocation.

Incidentally, as we work through this career focus, it is not unusual to uncover issues that need counseling attention: holes in self knowledge, self esteem deficiencies, unaddressed losses or traumas that hinder living out your calling. In such cases, you have the option to detour and attend to it, or simply make note of the need and commit to the work at a later date. Overall, the career development process can be one of the most enjoyable and fulfilling experiences in counseling!

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: Career, Career Coaching, Career Counseling, Counseling, Identity, Psychotherapy, Self Knowledge, Vocation

Mourning

September 19, 2016 by Andrea

I’ve often described it like standing on the sea shore. At first, the water is stormy and I’m regularly knocked down by an incoming wave that overwhelms me. I find myself swallowing a lot of salt water. Slowly (over years), the water calms down a little. The waves aren’t as huge. I’ve developed a strategy for bracing myself. They start coming in less frequently and I either handle the occasional wave like a champ or I get rusty and am surprisingly flattened by the next one. There’s no rhyme or reason to which way it goes. Perhaps it is a reflection of the context of my life – what else is going on, the level of emotional reserve I have in the tank when the wave comes. This is what grieving feels like to me and when I’ve shared this metaphor with others on the path, they nod knowingly.

That’s not the way our culture portrays it though. Typically, grief is shown as this linear journey which has as it’s goal – “getting back on the horse” or some similar cliche. You feel terrible at first. You’re allowed to have a few good cries but then you’re supposed to start sucking it up and finding something to do with yourself so that you can “get on with your life”. You can talk about your loss for a week or three but after that – folks squirm, look uncomfortable and try to redirect the conversation to more positive topics in an effort to rescue you from your pain. This leaves many feeling as though something is terribly wrong with them. They go into protection mode for their loved ones…not wanting anyone to be worried – effectively painting themselves into a corner of truncated grief.

My grieving path began with the loss of my adoptive mother. Eighteen years later, I lost my adult daughter. A little over a week ago, I lost my cousin who was more like a big sister to me. There have been other losses in between but those are the big kahunas. I have found one of the most important aspects of healthy grieving is the space and time to tell stories. I am incredibly blessed with a family that loves to sit around and tell stories about our departed loved ones. Tears (even years after the loss) are totally accepted. I speak about my daughter in every aspect of my life. One of the greatest compliments I’ve ever received is when someone said they felt like they knew her based on how much I incorporate her into my conversation. I have found that when I make it an open part of who I am, the people around me come along for the ride. They are comforted that the subject is not taboo – they don’t have to tiptoe around it. While our culture defaults to silence, I find that most individuals are terribly relieved when transparency is modeled.

Obviously, this topic is fresh on my mind this week and as I ponder my own path, I’m more aware of the grieving of others…The difficulty we face in this culture of doing it well. My passion for walking this path with others and my recognition of the work as sacred is renewed. Grieving isn’t just about the death of a loved one. It can be the death of a relationship, of a dream, of a life stage. Such passages are significant losses that must be acknowledged and processed if we are to glean all that it has to teach us and to move forward in good health. I encourage you to embrace this process and enlist a wilderness guide to walk with you!

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: Counseling, Grief, Group Therapy, Loss, Psychotherapy

Self Care 4.0

September 12, 2016 by Andrea

This is the fourth and final post in a series on the topic. Return to the first post here…

In our last post, I offered a preview of the difficult path to self love. Even so, it is hard to truly understand the nuances of the journey until you are in the thick of it. Nevertheless, as you move forward, it is comforting to think back to these discussions, realizing that yes – this is what she was talking about. It is much easier to endure when you are confident in the normalcy of your experience and the payoff to come.

I mentioned that while you experience the challenges I detailed, there would be a parallel venture that would be vital in supporting your work. That parallel venture is the art of setting boundaries. From the beginning, we looked at the challenges presented by the over-full life that comes with a lack of self love. You forged ahead anyway, sensitive to these limitations but determined nonetheless. Baby steps are necessary at the beginning…only the most basic self care tasks can be incorporated successfully. Before long though, growing pains ensue. The more you get to know yourself, the more compelled you are to make significant changes in your life…to set boundaries.

Boundaries mark what is you and what is not you. What you are responsible for and what is not your burden to bear. They provide a portal at which it can be determined what is OK and what is not OK for you. Do you see the connection to self love? How can you determine what is you and yours if you do not know your true self? How do you know what is OK for you if you do not understand your value? Self love cannot be lived out unless space is created to engage in self care. This space is created through boundaries. Fences that protect what is important. Think about the lawn edging that protects the garden bed from encroaching grass and weeds. Thus, you have a symbiotic process happening: boundaries are impossible to determine and enforce without self love….self love is impossible to pursue without boundaries. That combination is what facilitates self care. Now it all makes sense why self care falls apart so easily!

It is extremely difficult to balance this delicate connection by ourselves. Once again, we see the need for an objective other to help us continuously monitor this balance in the midst of our crazy lives which seem to conspire against us when we set out to grow.

I hope that this series has been food for thought and that you are equipped to choose your partner/s for the journey. We’re here to help – individually or in like minded groups.

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: Boundaries, Counseling, Foundations, Group Therapy, Identity, Psychotherapy, Self Care, Self Esteem, Self Love