Transformation Archives - Page 2 of 3

Confessions of a Counselor Part 2

November 15, 2021 by Justin Cunard

I guess I am going to turn this into a mini-series (check back to last week’s blog post). Except, I am not going to a Catholic Priest to confess and then do my penance. I have done that twice in my life though. I was a child and had no idea what I was doing. Had I been going to confession during my late adolescence and 20’s, the congregation may have had to toss me in the holy water fountain and hope for the best. We all have our histories right? Right guys?! Okay, onto the topic at hand.

Confession #2: There are parts of your dysfunctional behaviors you will keep and that’s a good thing. Wait…what!? Read on…

In therapy you may ask yourself, “Do my dysfunctional coping mechanisms have any redeeming qualities or am I just highlighting it all, hitting the delete button, and starting over?” Good question. And every counselor says, “It depends.” Confession: That’s our go to response. I will say this post is most relevant to those of you who have ventured through the first 2 phases of therapy (awareness and grief), have gotten to the other side (no small feat!), and have begun the process of developing your new story. If you are not at this point in therapy, it’s okay, because if you stay the course this will become relevant to you down the road.

I started this blog by mentioning dysfunctional coping mechanisms and whether they have to be eliminated completely or not. To simplify this blog, let’s focus this down a bit and highlight codependency as a dysfunctional coping mechanism.

Codependency is a common struggle for many people. Confession: I am one of these people. Codependency is really centered around a thought and behavior process where you have learned to anticipate other people’s needs, meet them, and forget all about yourself. That is until you are frustrated and become resentful of the person you are rescuing. If you want more on this – come to therapy.

As you begin to walk out your new story you may think to yourself, ‘Wow, I have to get rid of all this codependent behavior with my new story.’ Well, not so fast. There are gold nuggets and good that can come from even the most traumatic backgrounds. Where codependency falls flat on its face is when you forget about yourself and others’ needs become more important than yours. Well, a focus in therapy would be to learn how to voice yourself and let your needs be known. This is a great and amazing goal because YOU MATTER! The gift you attained with being codependent is that you know how to read people and situations and see what is needed or missing.

Maybe you recognize a facial expression in somebody ahead of you in line at the grocery store. When they are at the register to pay and you already know the face they are making means they are short money. Maybe you have been there before and maybe now you have the means to pay the difference and be a blessing to that stranger. Your prior codependent skill of anticipating needs will help you in situations like this. How about that person in the office that people tend to take for granted? You notice that, that person has been sad and it looks like they need a pick-me-up. So, you intentionally bring flowers and a card to their desk reminding them they matter. Again, you see the need and the hurt, so you are able to take action when appropriate.

You see, therapy isn’t a firesale of all things you, but rather a remolding of yourself. The authentic you was/is always there, it just got covered up by life’s unhealthy happenings. Hang in there. Stay the course. Keep writing that new story.

Filed Under: Emotional Health, Mental Health, Relationships Tagged With: codependency, Counseling, Hope, Psychotherapy, Relationships, Self Care, Self Esteem, Self Knowledge, Self Love, Therapy, Transformation

Confessions of a Counselor Part 1

November 8, 2021 by Justin Cunard

Have you ever wondered what some of the hidden benefits or struggles are with therapy? Have you ever wondered how you came into therapy wanting to reduce anxiety, and a few months later you are grieving losses from your childhood, and seeing the world differently? You see, here at Phenix, we have a strong belief in transformational work, which is why you see the word ‘transformation’ on our website and all our social media accounts. We firmly believe in the process of long-term sustainable growth and change. Not saying there is anything wrong with solution focused approaches, but generally it is not our cup of tea. Within the deconstruction and reconstruction phases of therapy, there are goals put in place by the client. In our field we call this the treatment plan. The treatment plan becomes the flight path for the focus of therapy, but other benefits and challenges come along the way.

So, onto Confession #1

There comes a point in therapy where there is a point of no return. Not that you are forced to continue the process or that you must complete some mandatory journey, rather that your eyes and mind are now more aware than ever. You cannot unsee what you’ve already seen. You cannot unknow what you now know. The joy, pain, and sadness in the world will hit you in new ways and in ways you never thought about. Just because you stop therapy does not mean the new insights stop.

Since we are heading into the holiday season, let’s use the holidays as the scenery for this first confession. Maybe in years past you have joined your family for Thanksgiving dinner or Christmas Eve adventures, but you never were able to recognize the maladaptive behaviors and functioning of your family of origin like you do now. Maybe you begin to see and sense the sadness in your brother or mom’s eyes, even though they mask it with a smile on their face. These are the things you can no longer unsee and unfeel. Sorry. What you become aware of now causes the brain to create new neural pathways and it becomes a daily part of the ‘scanning’ your mind does.

It is like the old cliche’ car salespeople use when you are on the lot looking to buy a car from them. They usually say something like this, “You’re gonna be seeing a lot of these on the road.” Yea, that’s because they know your mind is now wired to be looking for the same new car/SUV as you wander down the highway. The car/SUV was always there roaming the roads with you, but they never stuck out to you because your mind never had a reason to cause it to come to your consciousness. Now it does. Has this ever happened to you? Where you went to the Ford dealership to check out a Mustang and now you see every new Ford Mustang on the ride to work. You cannot unsee the Mustangs….they’re everywhere ha.

Again, my apologies… sorta. Awareness is a part of the journey. Gaining awareness and insight into your functioning is amazing. It gives you the power and control back in your life to begin choosing new ways of responding, behaving, etc. The more you become aware of, the more you can change. The more you realize you can change, the more hope you have of a brighter future, and after the last couple years, I think some extra hope is a good thing. Join me next week for confession #2.

Filed Under: Emotional Health, Family, Mental Health, Relationships Tagged With: Counseling, Hope, Identity, Life Seasons, Mindfulness, Psychotherapy, Relationships, Self Knowledge, Therapy, Transformation

Anti-Misery

November 1, 2021 by Andrea

How do you combat despair?

How do you keep worries in perspective?

I’m here to propose an answer to you. There is a power in remembering the good, no matter the situation we are in.

Today’s topic and answer to combatting despair, living a life of anti-misery, is gratefulness.

What comes to your mind when you hear the word “grateful”? What does it mean to you?

For some, they think of being thankful, and with this being November 1st, they think of Thanksgiving.

Others think of being positive, which can easily translate to this pressure to be positive 24/7.

I’m going to propose a different definition: to be grateful is to remember.

It’s not minimizing life’s struggles. It’s not minimizing the pain. It’s not ignoring the confusion or chaos around you. It’s choosing to remember the good. It’s remembering that the pain is not all there is. It’s knowing there is more.

Being grateful takes daily practice. The phrase “an attitude of gratitude” always used to frustrate me. Whenever I would hear it, it would usually be coming from someone who wanted me to only focus on the positive, not the real world situations around me. Plus, gratitude isn’t a feeling, or an attitude. It’s a daily practice and a choice. It also changes our perspective.

I have experienced some pretty tough things in my life. Healing from those moments has been a long journey. When I wake up in the morning, I have a choice. I can either choose to focus on the pain and ignore everything else. I can choose to ignore the pain and only focus on the positive (aka toxic positivity, not gratefulness) Or, I can choose to find and remember the things and people I am grateful for, while also acknowledging the very real pain that is there. This is how I have found joy, no matter my circumstances.

For me, not allowing the trials or pain to overcome me is also about not being powerless. Being a survivor of sexual assault, I know the feeling of powerlessness all too well. It ties in real easily with feeling hopeless and helpless. However, part of my healing journey has been reclaiming my power. It has been realizing that I have a say over my future. That my past doesn’t get to define me. Most importantly, that the man who assaulted me does not get the chance to determine who I will become.

That meant I needed to change my mindset. I could not live in a state of powerlessness, hopelessness, or helplessness. Because I wasn’t powerless. I wasn’t hopeless. I wasn’t helpless. I had been in that moment of assault, yes, but that was not who I was.

Remembering what I have and who I have to be grateful for, allows me to see that there is still good in the world. It reminds me that I am loved and worthy of being loved. It reminds me that there is hope and light. It is a daily practice that reframes the challenges I am going through.

Gratitude is powerful.

What are you grateful for today?

“It is not joy that makes us grateful,

it is gratitude that makes us joyful.”

Brother David Steindl-Rast

Filed Under: Emotional Health, Mental Health Tagged With: Coping Skills, Holistic health, Hope, Mindfulness, Self Care, Transformation

Maximizing Therapy

October 25, 2021 by Andrea

Have you wondered why excellent therapy can seem expensive?

Do you want to get the most out of the therapy process?

By the time a new therapist graduates from their masters program, they have spent more than 600 hours in graduate level classrooms taking courses dedicated to the art of helping people with life problems. They have sweated almost 2000 hours on homework and completed 1000 hours of supervised internship. All at a price tag of over $35,000 (minimum). Upon graduation, they must work under supervision for at least two years, complete an additional 1500 hours of client service and pass a national competency exam. When you show up in a therapist’s office, or log on to their teletherapy platform, you are meeting with a highly trained clinician who is there to help you reach your mental, emotional, and relational health goals.

Therapy is an investment in your future. Since insurance companies will not cover therapy for life issues (there must be a mental health diagnosis), many pay for this vital care out-of-pocket. Even with support for the cost, there is a significant investment of time establishing rapport with a therapist and digging in to the work. With that in mind, here are tips for getting the most bang for your ‘buck’!

At Phenix, we generally follow a steady arc in therapy: establishing safety, deconstruction of the old story (how did we get here?), grieving and then constructing the new story. We’ll look at tips for each stage but before we go there, here’s a foundational principle:

Recognize that therapy is just one hour out of 168 or one hour out of 336 if sessions are biweekly! Clearly, a lifetime of thinking and behaving a certain way will not be fixed in such short bursts. That means we must be ready to dedicate time outside of sessions to working on ourselves.

Establishing Safety –

Now is the time to be ruthless in clearing off your ‘plate’: Respectfully withdraw from commitments you don’t absolutely have to participate in. Notify your friends and family that you will not be as available as before. Setting boundaries poorly may be why you’ve come to therapy so this is a tough one. Make short term changes (like putting off involvement in something for a few weeks instead of saying “no” all together) which will buy you time to build the muscles you’ll need for more sustainable transformation.
Focus on the basics: sleep, nutrition and movement. Again, the point of therapy may be to get better at self care so take baby steps for now. Try to get to bed at a consistent time, decide what you need to add to your diet (not take away) to feel good and find movement you actually enjoy – even if it is just for 10 minutes.
Be honest with your therapist. Now is the time to share your concerns so that you can establish a strong working alliance. They are your guides on what will be a difficult journey at times. It is important you establish trust in their expertise and skill.
Try out the coping skills you and your therapist discuss so that you can determine what works for you and what doesn’t. You don’t want to wait until you are in the thick of the process to figure this out. Everybody is different and the possibilities are endless, so there is no substitute for testing things out.

Deconstruction of the old story –

Spend time between sessions reflecting on what you have discussed. Your therapy hour is just the beginning of making sense of your story and connecting the dots as to why you think and/or behave the way you do.
Review the material your therapist gives you (books, podcasts, videos, etc.). This is part of the process for understanding how you got to where you are.

Grieving –

Lean in to the discomfort. This stage takes courage. This is the stage when clients most often resist the therapist. Despite the strong alliance they have built and the trust that has been established, all of a sudden, “maybe my therapist isn’t so great after all. Why are they torturing me with this work?” Trust the process, it will be worth it!
Avoid working on your process after dinnertime each day. The end of your day should be spent winding down, not opening up Pandora’s box of emotion.
Experiment until you find a rhythm of self work time that works for you. Perhaps a one-and-done session each week when everyone knows not to disturb you or maybe 20 minutes each morning. It doesn’t matter the format – what matters most is consistency.

Constructing the new story –

This stage is about literally rewiring the brain. That means your efforts will feel awkward and counter-intuitive and that is OK.
Your sessions will involve either learning new skills that you will need to cultivate on your own or generating plans for handling situations differently than you have before. It’s all about action at this point so remind yourself constantly that different results demand different strategies.
Practice, practice, practice. Practice makes progress. Commit to take one baby step forward each day. Nothing changes by coming to therapy and talking about it. It changes when you leave the session and do things differently. Therapy helps you break this down into manageable baby steps and strategize the most effective changes.

An excellent auto mechanic can easily garner upwards of $100 per hour to fix our cars. We would consider it foolish to pay for their expertise, then do nothing to maintain the vehicle or prevent further issues. Our health is far more valuable than our cars so we hope that this post inspires you to invest in yourself and maximize that investment for the best return!

Filed Under: Emotional Health, Mental Health Tagged With: Counseling, Psychotherapy, Rebirth, Self Care, Therapy, Transformation

Aggressive Recovery

October 18, 2021 by Andrea

That’s an aggressive title, isn’t it?

With the world as it currently stands though, the way we recover from the daily chaos, stress, and unknowns has to be aggressive.

It has to be unstoppable.

We have to force through the circumstances of life to find time to take care of ourselves.

We desperately need it.

A common theme in therapy right now is exhaustion. Whether this is physical or more mental and emotional, everyone seems to be exhausted. Like a deep level of exhaustion that we have not known before.

The worse part is, due to how the world is currently going, we feel like we barely have any time to recover from the exhaustion. Days past, then months, then years. We look back and realize we haven’t lived. Just existed.

So how do we change this?

1. Analyze how you are currently recovering on a daily basis. Yes, I said daily. (sometimes hourly) Are there things you do with the sole intent of taking care of your spirit, soul, and body?

2. Find time. Recovery has to be important. The more we put it off and suppress the true nature of what we are going through, the more our body has to hold all of the pain and emotions. At some point, our bodies will shut down from holding too much. Waiting until that moment is not preferable, because it usually includes thousands of dollars in medical bills and a complete stop to our lives.

3. Pick something small. Expecting to drastically change your routine overnight isn’t realistic. That would also add unnecessary pressure to your life. Try just picking one thing that you can add to help with recovering at the end of the day. Below are some suggestions:

Incorporate your body: do something physical! Stretching is a great way to release tension held during the day.

Use your 5 senses: often this will also help ground you if you feel like you are flying on a tornado of life. Incorporate something you enjoy tasting, touching, smelling, hearing, or seeing to provide comfort.

Talk to someone or journal. Sometimes we have to decompress through talking about our days with a loved one or friend. This can help you gain a new perspective or release difficult emotions you may have been holding in.

4. Plan a retreat. I know Andrea and Justin both talked about this a few months ago, but planning some time away from the normal routine can be immensely helpful. This can be a time to intentionally rest, with no to-do list or expectations.

Self care can no longer be optional.

Taking care of our spirits, souls, and bodies has to be a priority.

We have to fight for ourselves and each other.

Filed Under: Service Tagged With: Counseling, Holistic health, Hope, Self Care, Self Love, Somatic, Transformation

Grief – The land between…

October 12, 2021 by Andrea

Do you wish there was an instant switch from insight to doing life differently?

Have you ever been stuck in the transition between dysfunction and learning how to live in a new way?

Back in 2015, I heard Jeff Manion speak on his new book, The Land Between. I purchased the book at that conference and have referred to his thoughts many times since as I have passed through various transitions. In therapy at Phenix, we walk our clients through a grieving process after we have deconstructed their story. As I would explain the process to my clients, I caught myself using that phrase, “the land between” to help them understand where they are in the process. It finally occurred to me to return to Jeff’s material to see if there were any specific concepts that I could adapt specifically to this grieving process.

Jeff uses the bible story of the Israelites leaving Egypt and the time they spent in the wilderness as the metaphor for his book. Often, clients come to us because they are ready to leave their Egypt. As we unpack the story of how they got there, they become more and more convinced that they are done with the dysfunctions of their past. Treatment planning involves painting the picture of their “promised land” where healthy relationships, living in their calling, pursuing a career they love, intimacy with God, healed mental struggles, strong emotion management or physical ease reigns. Problem is, a vast wilderness exists between Egypt and the Promised Land and the journey is not linear!

Not only do we need to learn the skills required to thrive in the promised land, we first need to release the waste products of our Egypt. That is grieving. The wilderness is necessary. It is the place we shed our identity as slaves to our family of origin and position ourselves to live as our true selves. Just like the Israelites…if we skip over the process, we may find ourselves languishing in the wilderness far longer than needed. As much as grief sounds like the root canal we want to avoid, sustainable living in the promised land demands we move through it. So, buckle up and let’s review some guiding principles for the journey:

Our season of grief is fertile soil for meltdown. It is likely the main reason why most of us avoid it. The thought of allowing emotions to emerge can feel too intimidating: What do we do with the emotions we experience? What will happen if I express them? What if they consume me and I can’t function? Those are the concerns we face together and we equip you with the tools you will need to sit with and actually benefit from, your emotions.
Grief is also fertile soil for complaint. Let’s define that term. It is not lament – which is pouring out our heart’s emotions. Complaint is judgement against God, it is implying (or flat out stating), that we were/are better off without God. Thankfully, God is strong enough to handle our complaints and we specifically hold space for that in therapy if desired. For those who don’t subscribe to a Higher Power, it is judgment against life itself and the order of things – however we make sense of it. Complaint resists eviction which is why most of us require assistance for moving it out.
Opening hands to release the past makes space for provision. In therapy, provision looks like mental and emotional space for the new story. It looks like the skills and mindset needed to enter the promised land. As we release the self criticism, bitterness, fear and guilt of our old story, provision can look like contentment and strength.
Our informed consent disclosure details the risks of therapy – that classic dilemma of, “be careful what you ask for”. One of those risks is the fact that grieving reveals our own shadow selves, inviting discipline in those areas. This is often a painful process but it is also a rescue mission, a course correction that calibrates our compass toward our true selves…our purpose.
The hope of grief work is transformational growth. It is the soil God uses to grow the things our hearts desire. Grieving is the soil for learning to trust because trust is required for thriving in the promised land. Trust of self, trust of healthy others, trust of God. Trust pushes out complaint. It evicts the lifestyle of victimhood.

So whether you need to grieve a death or the losses you’ve identified in therapy, don’t skip the process. Seek out a wilderness guide (counselor) to help you make the most of the journey. If you live anywhere in FL, reach out to us!

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: Counseling, Grief, Loss, Self Care, Therapy, Transformation

Online Adventures

July 2, 2018 by Andrea

Over the years, I’ve worked with a number of therapists, beginning with a licensed social worker who was also a pastor at a local church. Each one has walked a specific section of my journey with me, facilitating insight and clarity along the way. Soon after arriving in Orlando, I worked with two different therapists during an exceedingly challenging time of my life. As I ended 2017 in perhaps the best mental and emotional state I had experienced in years, I paradoxically sensed it was a good time to re-enter therapy. I was facing several positive transitions and believed I had the emotional energy to tackle foundational concepts that would help me live life from the best level possible. Though I did not have really specific issues I needed to resolve, I did know I wanted someone who would be able to sit with and explore whatever emerged. Trouble was, all the therapists I knew who worked like that were my friends and so could not serve in this role. My inquires for referrals turned up absolutely nothing that met my criteria.

I remembered one of my interns telling me he had experienced useful sessions online with Victor Yalom, the son of another therapist – Irwin Yalom who I admire in my approach to therapy – especially group work. However, I had a skeptical view of online therapy: I’m relational in my theoretical orientation – how on earth could there be great therapy in the absence of smell, touch, and the extra-sensory dynamics of physical presence I had come to rely on in terms of perceiving what clients were feeling? As time wore on with no emerging options, I decided it couldn’t hurt to pursue the idea, even as a second-best one, and so I contacted Victor. Many steps later, I started working with a therapist he recommended who lived in Paris – Anastasia – in January of 2018 and it was definitely the right decision! Here was a humbling example of what I was teaching my students: Anastasia’s ability to connect with me, to hear what I wasn’t saying, to see the patterns beneath the stories I shared, mattered more than the method we were using to talk to each other. Yes, online therapy has its differences but what mattered was the therapist and his/her ability to build a relationship with the client regardless. Wow!

Over the following months, I put aside my biases toward online therapy and considered its benefits: to English speakers living in non-English speaking countries, to individuals committed to deeper work but lacking therapy professionals in their part of the world, to my local clients with chronic illness who sometimes struggle to make it in to the office, to individuals like me across the state of FL who are looking for a specific therapeutic fit that they cannot find close by.

I happened to be visiting Paris some time later and so I had a session in person with Anastasia. I was shocked to find that it did not feel much different from the sessions we had been doing online. It was the final push I needed to start offering what I have received: greater accessibility to this business of going deeper. I believe my experience as an online therapy client with a therapist who does it excellently is the best qualifier for providing this service but I am still pursuing specific training and education in this particular modality to ensure that I continue to grow.

2022 edit: How could I have known the benefit of this expansion? It prepared us to transition to a fully online practice in March of 2020! When you engage teletherapy with Phenix, you work with a team who truly believe in this modality. Teletherapy offers major benefits when we are willing to explore the possibilities. Your Phenix therapists have pursued the experiences and training necessary to maximize this exciting change in how healthcare is delivered.

Filed Under: Mental Health Tagged With: Counseling, Foundations, Psychotherapy, Telehealth, Teletherapy, Transformation

Whitespace

October 4, 2017 by Andrea

At the GLS event I mentioned a couple of months ago, I heard Juliet Funt speak on the concept of “whitespace“: that business of intentionally creating a space for NOTHING so that creativity can emerge in the workplace. An excellent reminder and validation of my love for this concept in our personal lives. Our culture is driven by the need for constant activity and most of us are completely enslaved to the merry go round. There are two main traps we tend to fall in for this obsession with activity: The trap of achievement – believing that we are only as worthwhile as our productivity…hence there’s never a time we can feel at peace when we are still. Or, there is the trap of emotional avoidance. Sitting still becomes a dangerous dynamic to be avoided at all cost because it allows one’s pain and anxiety to emerge! Often, you’ll hear folks caught in these traps exclaim, “Oh, I have no time for that”, or “Oh my goodness, I would go crazy sitting around doing nothing” when presented with the idea of rest, retreat, white-space. I chuckle internally when I hear these tell-tale words.

The reality is, we absolutely need quiet time in order to grow. There’s the irony – so often, we go, go, go because we’re trying to achieve, to progress, to accomplish. All the while, in the absence of appropriate down-time, we’re actually moving backward. Often, without realizing it until it’s too late. The epiphany typically arrives in the form of physical illness because our bodies keep score and when we ignore it’s need to rest and recuperate, it eventually takes its revenge.

My focus today though is the emotional aspect. This blog is about personal transformation. With that in mind, where does white-space fit in? Transformation begins with awareness, continues with learning and is then cemented by action. In order for new learning to be integrated, it must be consolidated – a process that cannot happen during activity. It only happens during times of quiet. Have you ever noticed that you attend an amazing workshop where you learn great concepts but weeks later, you’re struggling to remember what you found so revolutionary? Or, perhaps you pulled an all-nighter in college, studying for a big test and then drew a complete blank on so much during the exam? These are examples of what happens to learning without white-space. If we do not take the time to STOP and reflect on our new awareness, understanding and insight, we don’t retain it. We don’t act upon concepts we don’t retain and thus, we stay stuck in patterns of dysfunction.

When clients have covered a lot of territory in session, I always warn them to take some downtime within the next 24 hours to let their work consolidate. Eventually, I teach them to build this space into their regular routine so that there is ongoing room to grow and they don’t have to scramble for it when life brings them new opportunities. Personally, I try to model this in my own life, regularly spending time in nature. This week, during a quick trip to GA, I asked my host about the local parks and was guided to a fabulous nature trail. My friend and I remarked how just one hour on the trail made such a difference in our mental outlooks…not to mention how much better our bodies felt after hours of driving the day before.

You may find yourself resonating with these words, making promises to yourself to find more white-space in your life but if you are caught in one of the two traps I mentioned, it’s easier said than done. Your source of worthiness must be addressed if you are to ever make peace with stillness. You must acquire the skills of emotion management if you are to become willing to let frightening feelings emerge. Likely, you have specific family stories that have left you ill-equipped or believing lies that will forever hold you back. If you don’t know how to work on cars, don’t you take your vehicle to a mechanic? If you never learned to work on appliances, don’t you call a repair company for your broken refrigerator? Yet somehow, when we recognize a gap in our mental or emotional skills, we hesitate to contact a therapist who is trained in the very skills we lack. Strange, isn’t it? Consider breaking that trend and give us a call if you realize your struggle to create white-space goes deep into territory you haven’t yet mastered!

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: Counseling, Foundations, Psychotherapy, Self Care, Self Love, Transformation

“Safe” People

September 25, 2017 by Andrea

I actually don’t like that term “safe” since it’s definition is: absence of risk. We all know that no part of life meets that definition. I think we’ll go with “safer” people. The concept has been mentioned in previous posts so I thought it time to focus on what I mean by this business of finding and connecting with safer others as we work on our own personal transformations.

You know that cliche phrase, “birds of a feather flock together”? It’s a cliche because it’s true. We attract the sort of people who match our dysfunctions. They either play the complementary role or share similar behaviors. Makes sense that as we address our dysfunctions, we would see increased conflict with our fellow birds, unless they too are willing to transform. As I mentioned in my last post, once we get past the grief of recognizing some birds will be left behind, we face the dilemma of finding new ones. How do we avoid collecting more of the same? How do we identify that which is healthier when we are in the midst of still figuring out our own healthy? There are three components which have emerged over the years in my own life as I am blessed with a tribe of safer people.

Presence
Safer people have worked on their own dysfunctions to the point that they are able to focus fully outside of themselves when they are with others. They aren’t perfect but because they’ve taken a long, hard look at their own pain, they don’t retreat into it or project it on to you when your pain surfaces. When we are with these folks, we feel connected and that their attention is focused primarily on us.

Love
This is such an overused word – it has lost specific meaning in our world. In this context, I want to define the word as ‘valuing the other’. When someone values you, they consider the ways in which they speak to and treat you. They make every effort to tangibly demonstrate care and concern; they listen to understand instead of to simply respond. Since they’ve worked on themselves, they’re well aware of their own shadow and so they offer grace for yours. Not that they allow themselves to be taken advantage of, but they don’t shame or condemn.

Keeping it real
Here’s another abused phrase. It has become a way to excuse being a jerk. It’s right up there with, “I’m brutally honest”. That’s not what I’m going for here. What I’m talking about is the person who will be authentic with you. They share their real selves and they tell you honestly, how they are affected by you and how they truly feel. So, once again, safer people don’t avoid confrontation, they don’t allow themselves to be bullied – instead, they find healthy ways to communicate what’s really going on. Because they have established their acceptance of us, we are able to hear these difficult truths and use them in our transformation process.

Hopefully, this begins to ‘flesh out’ the safer people we need to be looking for and gives you a matrix to evaluate the folks already in your life, the new ones you meet and most of all, yourself! For further study – check out Cloud and Townsend’s excellent book on this subject. Books are wonderful but they don’t hold our hands and walk us through so find a wilderness guide to help you if you’re struggling.

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: Boundaries, Counseling, Foundations, Relationships, Transformation

Every day I’m hustlin’

September 18, 2017 by Andrea

codependent

[koh-di-pen–duh-nt]
See more synonyms on Thesaurus.com
Adjective 1.
of or relating to a relationship in which one person is physically or psychologically addicted, as to alcohol or gambling, and the other person is psychologically dependent on the first in an unhealthy way.
Noun 2.
one who is codependent or in a codependent relationship.

“Codependent” is so overused at this point and has come to mean just about any version of an unhealthy relationship. I want to use a different term – one I’m borrowing from Brene Brown’s vernacular…she calls it hustling for love.

I’m referring to this business of denying or minimizing self in order to be, do or say what another person wants. We take care of things the other should be handling in order to make ourselves indispensable. We hustle like this because we want to be loved. We don’t trust that we will be loved as we truly are and so we put on masks, we become something we are not, we enable, in order to be what we think will be loved. The problem with all of this though is that when love comes our way, only our false self can receive it. Underneath, our true self never receives love and so we spend our lives unfulfilled and lonely, even in the presence of loving others.

The issue has been top of mind lately due to many conversations with a friend who has been focusing on this in his life. What we have taken great notice of is the fact that once awareness is gained, once root issues of self worth are tackled, the ultimate step of healing involves doing: engaging relationships from one’s new position of awareness and worth. But what if you don’t have any “others” in your life, qualified to take the journey with you? What if you have only gathered others who need a hustler? Who don’t know what to do with an authentic self? This is an issue we don’t often see anyone discussing. All the books and articles focus on what needs to change within us and how to behave differently, but I haven’t found anyone discussing the others. So here goes:

When we begin the work of examining the way we relate to others and the roots of those relational styles, we must also begin the work of identifying the characteristics of healthy “others”. Many of us have not been exposed to enough examples.
We need to also brainstorm where healthy others can be found and begin to position ourselves accordingly. This may mean new social activities or increased involvement in groups we previously marginalized.
We need to communicate every step of our journey to existing, important others in our lives so that they have the opportunity to come along, to adjust to who we are becoming. If we don’t communicate, we leave them confused, defensive and possibly hurt by our internal changes.
“We are not ourselves by ourselves” says Peterson. These efforts to transform our social circle will go a long way in our own self knowledge as we bring stories from our interactions into counseling. It is a key experiential aspect of therapy!
When we have achieved enough awareness and worked through some of the core issues of self worth, it is time to identify a couple of healthy others in our sphere with whom we can practice being our newly authentic selves.
From this point forward, it is all about relating in likely opposite ways to how we have before. It is intentional and consistent. This process needs to be a regular topic of counseling so that there is a constant feedback loop for learning. It is a terrifying challenge but it is the final step in true transformation. There is no other way to permanently change the meanings we have made of life experiences. It is a messy business filled with mis-steps requiring honest communication from which to recover. We may need to make a few changes in who we include in our tribe which then involves a grieving process for the ones who simply do not have what it takes to enter this new territory with us. The payoff is a level of connection and relational joy we never thought possible. Benefits that cannot be achieved with solely internal peace and knowledge.

Now it’s your turn…What aspect of mental/emotional health is on your mind these days? What are you currently wrestling with? I want this space to be useful! I’m also considering doing a weekly Facebook Live which will focus on what YOU want to hear about, so give me your feedback.

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: Boundaries, Foundations, Relationships, Self Care, Self Esteem, Self Love, Transformation