Andrea, Author at Andrea Tackore

For Those Who Want to Become a Therapist:

February 7, 2022 by Andrea

We are starting a new blog post series focused on those who would like to pursue becoming a therapist. The plan is to breakdown important questions to not only ask your future graduate school, but to ask yourself.

Now, as a precursor to this post, I want to direct your attention to a post our director, Andrea, has written about what it takes education wise to become a therapist, as well as how to maximize your own therapy experience. She states in “Maximizing Therapy”,

By the time a new therapist graduates from their masters program, they have spent more than 600 hours in graduate level classrooms taking courses dedicated to the art of helping people with life problems. They have sweated almost 2000 hours on homework and completed 1000 hours of supervised internship. All at a price tag of over $35,000 (minimum). Upon graduation, they must work under supervision for at least two years, complete an additional 1500 hours of client service and pass a national competency exam. When you show up in a therapist’s office, or log on to their teletherapy platform, you are meeting with a highly trained clinician who is there to help you reach your mental, emotional, and relational health goals.

Whew. The journey to licensure is no joke, but is highly rewarding to those who believe being a therapist is part of their calling. Let’s dive in to a few questions to ask yourself as you decide whether this journey is right for you.

Why do you want to be a therapist?

This will be a common question on graduate school applications. Take some time as you are researching different schools to explore what is driving you.

Every individual enters into the master’s program for a different reason, many times because of their own stories. Responding from a place of healing and wanting the same for others can be powerful.

Alfred Adler was a psychotherapist in the 1900’s. (You’ll learn about him in grad school.) He commented on the nature of therapists who have struggled through different aspects of life and the power that comes from having done your own work. Now it was written in 1928, but there is much truth to what he says.

There must be experience [for the therapists] as well. A real appreciation for human nature, in the face of our inadequate education today, will be gained by only one class of human beings. These are the contrite sinners, either those who have been in the whirlpool of psychic life, entangled in all its mistakes and errors, and saved themselves out of it, or those who have been close to it and felt its current touching them….The best knower of the human soul will be the one who has lived through passions himself. (pg. 13)

Are you open to doing your own work?

One of the best mirrors to your own unhealed areas in life will be your clients. This is why it is so vital that you have explored your own story before sitting with someone else. Your clients are not there to save you, fix you, or help you figure out your stuff. You are there for them. As our supervisor, Larry Shyers, loves reminding us, “It is never ever, ever, ever, ever about you”.

I highly encourage you to continue therapy throughout graduate school. Implement the things you are learning, allow yourself to go on the adventure. Having an openness to growth and knowing that you are selecting a profession that will constantly challenge you is a necessity.

If not, then when something comes up in session that reveals an area of wounding in you, it is so much easier to stick your head in the sand and push it down. When this happens, we can cause harm. The session inadvertently becomes about us and our own avoidance, thus taking the focus off the individuals coming to us for help.

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At the end of the day, you are pursing a profession that has a profound impact on people’s lives. You may be the first person they share their deepest, darkest moments with. You may be the only support they have at this time. Please don’t take that for granted. Realize the impact you have on people’s lives and walk through your own story. Pursue your own healing.

At the same time, you also have to realize that you cannot save your clients or rescue them from their problems (as much as we wish we could). There will be nights this rocks you to the core. There will be days you wish you could pull them out, especially when they are not a number or a “session” to you.

Continuing to walk through your own story helps you remain present and humble, no matter who may walk through your door. It also creates an environment of authenticity in the room that can be felt (even through telehealth).

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Join us next week as we continue to explore important considerations and aspects of learning how to be a therapist.

Filed Under: Mental Health, Service Tagged With: Business, Career, Counseling, Group Therapy, Leadership, Psychotherapy, Purpose, Therapy, Vocation

Parenting Challenges

January 31, 2022 by Andrea

Are you worried about your child/teen? Has their behavior changed? Have they withdrawn from the family or even their peers?

Unfortunately, there is no shortage of stressors for kids and teens today – a sampling includes:

An overburdened school system inadequate to meet the individual needs of each child.
Declining empathy skills leading to ever-intensifying forms of bullying.
Family changes: divorce, separation, blended families.
Chronic illness within the family.
Too many activities.
Unstable living situations – frequent moves or school changes.
Negative self concept in comparison to social media.
Confusing messages about identity development.

It is no surprise then, that the National Alliance on Mental Illness reports that 1 in 6 U.S. youth aged 6-17 experience a mental health disorder each year. Suicide is the 2nd leading cause of death among people aged 10-34. But here is the most important fact for parents to pay attention to: the majority of people who die by suicide did not have a known mental health condition! The truth is – if you are human, you will face mental health difficulties at some point. It is no different than our physical health – none of us reach the end without experiencing some form of illness in our lifetimes, even if it is just a cold. What makes us think mental health is any different? We must honestly assess ourselves and our children for signs of mental/emotional distress.

There are two pillars which ground our work at Phenix when taking on a teen or child client:

Pillar 1 – Life gets hard for all of us at some point so therapy is a vital component of health care – no different than the dentist or the pediatrician. Our children and teens are facing a world for which we adults have few answers. The pressures they face are alien to our experiences. Our parents raised us under completely different circumstances so they may not understand the challenges you deal with as a parent. If you are feeling isolated and confused in your parenting journey – you are not alone!

Pillar 2 – If you are familiar with Phenix, then you know that we work from a relational theoretical orientation: we believe that the problems we face are always rooted in relationship – relationship with self and others. Relationship is the context within which healing takes place. Even when working with adult individuals, we are always mindful of that person’s primary relationships and how they may be affected by the work we are doing in therapy. All the more relevant is this principle when working with an underage client who is literally dependent upon adults for most aspects of their lives.

Based on these two pillars, we have a unique policy when taking on a child/teen client: We will not work with just the child. If a parent wants to bring their child or teen to Phenix for help, then at least one caregiver must be willing to engage their own therapy as well. This is not rooted in blame – very often, the challenges that kids face have external sources. However, a child’s mental health correlates with the parents’. As leaders in the family, in control of all available resources, parents hold all the power to facilitate health in the home. Our relational approach does not align with “dropping” a child off for therapy and expecting significant change without parental involvement. We expect that at least one primary caregiver (preferably all) will engage an individual process of examining their own biases, beliefs, coping tools and relational style – working toward the deep, transformative change that realigns the very atmosphere in the home. This kind of work often uncovers past hurts and traumas which would be inappropriate to address in family sessions. Additionally, the struggles and pains of parenting often trigger underlying personal issues. We provide a safe space for parents to receive the confidential support they so richly deserve!

With multiple therapists in the practice – parents can choose their own therapist for their individual work, or they can work with the same therapist as their child/teen. In all cases, parent therapy is confidential and we ask parents to allow us a level of privacy with the child/teen for their individual sessions. We must establish a trust-based working alliance with the teen/child if they are to open up in therapy. Of course, we address any issues of harm with parents. We work with the parent/s and child to design a rotation of individual and family sessions that fit schedules and financial resources. The plan makes room for working with each individual on their own therapeutic goals, as well as parent coaching sessions and family sessions where communal issues are addressed. If at all possible, we look for ways to include siblings in the process, as they often have helpful perspectives and need to build buy-in to whatever changes are taking place in the family system. Holding space for individual confidentiality and family work is a complex skill that not every therapist is comfortable with. We are well aware of the complexity of this approach and continually assess our bracketing skills and therapeutic methods – watching for situations where the dynamics require the parent work with a therapist outside our practice.

Some parents bring their child or teen to therapy because they are already working with their own therapist and want similar benefits for their child. That is always exciting, as the parent is already on the path to personal transformation! In that case, we establish a release of information between our practice and their therapist so that observations can be shared with the parent’s therapist and collaboration can occur between therapists for more effective parent coaching & family sessions here at Phenix.

If a teen client is aged 17 when they begin therapy with us, we do not follow this process automatically. We obtain feedback from the teen client regarding how much involvement they want parents to have, encouraging them to identify issues their parent/s could work on in therapy.

We believe that play is the language of childhood, so we utilize creative activities when working with kids. However, there are limitations to online play, so we generally do not work with younger children. We have no age requirement – every child is different so we collaboratively determine what will work when we conduct the free consult initial session. Clearly, our process demands a high level of commitment. This aligns with our mission for transformation, rebirth and purpose which is never available without commitment. There is a place for acute problem-solving approaches in certain seasons of life so we are not the practice for every family and that is completely fine. That said – if your family is ready to dig in to a process of lifelong transformation; if you are ready to break generational traumas; if you are ready to walk in purpose – reach out to us via call, text, email or the contact form here on the website!

Filed Under: Family, Parenting Tagged With: Children, Counseling, Psychotherapy, Therapy, Transformation

Therapy 101

January 10, 2022 by Andrea

So you’ve decided you would like to begin therapy.

Typically, that should be the hardest part. Letting someone in, especially someone that you don’t know, to share your story in hopes of a better life is hard enough.

Unfortunately, “overwhelmed” is a pretty accurate description to how most people feel when they try to find a therapist. If you take a second and type in “therapist in (city)”, you will find hundreds, if not thousands of options.

So, how do you narrow down the field? Let’s say that you spoke to a friend and they gave you a referral, or you found someone on Therapy Den or Psychology Today. How do you know if they are a good fit for you? Below are two good criteria to look at and what Phenix does to meet those criteria.

The Therapist’s Bio

Depending on why you would like to attend therapy or what you have gone through in life, certain therapists will be more qualified to assist you. The bio on the website will tell you quite a bit about who they are and how they operate (hopefully). If one stands out to you, write down questions so you can hear more about their training and experience.

At Phenix, each therapist took the time to write a detailed bio about our background, training, areas of focus, and how we view therapy. This way, you have a good idea of what to expect before even meeting one of us.

As a disclaimer, certifications and official trainings are great, but don’t base a therapist’s competence on only that. Which leads me to the second criteria…

Have they done their own work?

You can only learn so much in a training that lasts 3 hours or from textbooks in graduate school. The metaphor I use with clients is this: if I was climbing Mt. Everest, I would ideally want someone who had climbed the mountain before, not just someone who read about how to do so in a textbook. I would like someone who had done their research on how to help various people climb the mountain, learned how to help heal different wounds and levels of frostbite, AND had already made the journey.

By climbing it themselves, they know which pitfalls to look for and which parts will be deceptively slippery.

They also know where to look to see the most beautiful sunrises.

There is a level of competence and humility that only comes from doing your own work in therapy. Everyone needs someone to talk to and process things out with. Ideally, through the therapy process, you learn how to form authentic, intimate relationships so that those are the people you begin to do life with. At Phenix, each therapist has gone down their own journey of healing and has surrounded themselves with people to continue that process. Instead of feeling like any of us has “arrived”, there is an ability to hold the unknown and simply be with whoever walks through the door.

Free Consult

At Phenix, we have a consult time with each prospective client. This is a free 50 minute session where the potential client can ask questions and get to know the therapist before agreeing to embark on this journey together.

When I was searching for my own therapist years ago (before the graduate school adventure), I was wary due to already having had some negative therapeutic experiences. So when I was paired with a potential therapist, I finally asked questions that I had not known to ask before.

While our director, Andrea, implemented the consult idea during covid, it has remained due to being incredibly beneficial for both us and potential clients. My favorite part about it is that it gives prospective clients a time to ask questions and make their own informed decisions, instead of feeling like they were instructed who to see or stuck with someone.

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So no matter where you go for therapy, I encourage you to look at the above two criteria. Take into account professional training for your specific situation, as well as the therapist’s ability to stay present during the time with you due to having done their own work.

Filed Under: Mental Health, Service Tagged With: Business, Counseling, Organizational Culture, Psychotherapy, Purpose, Self Love

Surviving the Holidays: Parent Edition

December 20, 2021 by Andrea

Welcome parents!

This holiday survival guide is specifically for you, as the stressors you experience are unique. You not only are trying to take care of yourself during this time, but of all the children and extended family who are home for the holidays. So before we begin, let us take a moment to breathe. Deep inhale in, long exhale out.

Reality is, with how much stress some parents feel, moments like that are too rare.

As we dive into this blog post, I want to provide a framework for how to view this season. To start with:

You are not powerless.

So often, we assume that the holidays = stress and that this stress is just something that will take over the holidays like normal.

False.

You were not designed to be overcome by stress every holiday season. You have been placed in a position of leadership and counsel. Stress cannot overcome you if you do not allow it, because you are not powerless.

We also have to pair this knowledge with the fact that we cannot control others.

So if that one family member decides to start their usual drama and you find yourself in the bathroom wondering how you will get through the following weeks, remember this:

You don’t have to attend every fight you are invited to.

If they choose to start up their own emotional rollercoaster in the living room, you don’t have to get on. They don’t get to have that kind of power.

This is a great time to then practice the deep breathing (longer exhale) and take a moment to slow down. This time of slowing down gives your brain a moment to think about how you would like to respond in a way that represents your character and integrity. How to say what you want to say wrapped in love, while also setting a firm boundary that you are willing to protect.

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Now that we have the framework set, let’s dive in to three main guideposts for this season. Remember, the goal is to thrive, not just survive.

Guidepost 1: You are a human being, not human doing.

Yes, it’s kind of cheesy, I know, but it’s so true. I forget where I first heard it from but it gave me pause when I heard it. I was shocked how much of my life actually fit the “human doing” phrase better.

At Phenix, we are reading a book called Soul Custody this holiday season. The author, Stephen Smith says this on page 18, “The Chinese have two characteristics for the English word ‘busyness’, which they define as ‘heart annihilation’.” The Chinese definitely have a different perspective on busyness than the American culture does. However, I think they have a point. When we are overly busy, we miss so much.

So here is the challenge question: is your holiday season too busy?

If you notice that it is, what can you adjust or change entirely?

Guidepost 2: Take care of yourself

Part of the role of parenting is caring for others. However, in order to rebuild, you also have to take care of you. This looks different for everyone, but it has to be incorporated at some point. If not, our bodies usually take over and we are forced to rest.

In the same book as mentioned before, Stephen discusses how “the word ‘care’ has its roots in a Latin word that means ‘cure’.” (p. 17)

If we listen to that connection, then caring for our souls becomes a necessity.

This time of caring for yourself has to be intentional, especially as a parent. What would it look like to incorporate small things that bring you joy throughout the day? (yes, cookies count) What would it look like to intentionally do something that makes you smile?

This doesn’t have to mean bubble baths and face masks, as mainstream media typically depicts self care.

No, soul care is different.

Soul care is realizing you are more than just a body that is expected to perform. You are a person, someone with worth and value. Someone with dreams and goals.

Soul care is realizing that living a life where you feel depleted all of the time is absolutely miserable, and you don’t have to live like that.

My encouragement for you this season is to find time to rest, to regroup. Incorporate things that bring you joy.

Guidepost 3: Know you are not alone.

No matter how you choose to celebrate the holidays, please remember this guidepost.

Some families right now are having their first Christmas without loved ones due to covid or other illnesses.

Some parents have recently gone through a divorce or separation, and this is their first holiday season without their partner present.

This season may come with mixed feelings. You don’t have to shove those down or repress them.

If you feel like they are about to overwhelm you, like the grief is too deep to wade through, remember you are not alone.

Grief, and emotions, are like waves (as our director, Andrea, points out). There will be times that the waves feel like they are swallowing you whole. Other times, they will lap at your ankles. However, the waves do recede.

When you feel like a big wave is hitting, here are a few things you can do: talk to a friend, journal, draw, or do something with your hands (working on a car, gardening, cleaning) while you process. You are not powerless here.

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Thank you for tuning in to our holiday guideposts!

I hope you all have a wonderful holiday season and a happy new year.

See you in 2022!

Filed Under: Emotional Health, Family, Mental Health, Relationships Tagged With: Coping Skills, Counseling, Grief, Holistic health, Hope, Relationships, Self Care, Self Knowledge, Self Love, Therapy

How to Survive the Holidays: College Edition

December 13, 2021 by Andrea

Welcome back one and all to

our holiday survival guide!

This week’s post is for those of you out there who are trying to navigate passing finals, finishing the semester, moving, and surviving the holidays all at once.

Otherwise known as “college”.

This applies to those in undergrad, post grad, or doctorate level. There are just some similarities between all of them – primarily the stress level and the amount that is added to your plate late November through December every year.

Below are three guideposts specifically for you guys. I hope these help during this season and you are able to achieve the goal of not just surviving, but thriving.

Guidepost 1: Rest

The majority of individuals in college don’t have a problem with realizing how long their to-do list is during this time. What actually ends up being the problem is the lack of rest.

Your body needs rest, and no, 3 hours a night does not count, especially when you are living on coffee and red bull the next day.

As you are finishing finals over the next week and beginning to enter holiday mode 2.0, my encouragement is that you implement time to rest. Try allowing yourself to sleep for 6-8 hours at least one night. Have breaks during the day where you can walk, read, or just take a mental break. In order to function at its optimal level, your brain needs time to decompress.

Guidepost 2: Nourish

You need food and water.

Yes, I know that seems self-explanatory.

However, when our schedules get crazy, one of the first things to go (besides sleep) is adequate nourishment for our bodies. We start upping the caffeine intake, lessening the amount of water, and eating a full meal becomes a rarity. How much better do you think you would feel if you had food throughout the day and water to drink?

So let’s see what it would look like to change that.

Instead of picking a random goal, such as cooking three meals from scratch daily starting tomorrow, let’s pick one that is attainable. If you set goals that are easier to meet at first, it actually ends up encouraging you to keep going. If you set the goal too high at first and don’t successfully complete it, discouragement is the primary result. What would be an attainable, appropriate goal to set here? I would break it up so you have one for food and one for water.

Guidepost 3: Joyful movement

Movement does wonders for the body, especially when dealing with a lot of stress or coming out of a stressful time.

This doesn’t mean you need to go buy a gym membership and start tomorrow. Joyful movement isn’t based on weight loss, calories, or expectations. It is just movement that you enjoy. A leisurely walk, roller blading, yoga, dance, gardening, swimming in the ocean (it’s hot here in Florida), or walking the dog. All of these are examples of movement that can bring joy with no pressure.

Meditative movement is also very helpful. This is movement you can do while letting your mind wander or focus on specific sensations in your body. I find both can be powerful. Sometimes for my walks, I just allow my mind to go. It allows me time to think through all of the million thoughts that are coming in at once. The walking helps my brain process them as well since my body is now involved. Other times, focusing on my body and the intentional relaxation of it is what is needed. This requires slowing down, deep breathing, and intentional thoughts.

Guidepost 4: Celebrate

Definitely couldn’t leave this one out!

Please celebrate.

You have worked so hard this past semester to finish so much.

Pick something you enjoy – whether it be a specific place, people group, or food – and go!

Filed Under: Emotional Health, Mental Health Tagged With: Coping Skills, Life Seasons, Self Care, Self Esteem, Self Knowledge, Self Love, Therapy, Transformation

How to Survive the Holidays Part 2

November 29, 2021 by Andrea

Welcome back to our holiday survival guide!

Last week, we explored how gaining awareness of ourselves and those around us is crucial in not only surviving the holidays, but thriving.

This week, we explore the next three guideposts in surviving the holidays.

Guidepost 3: Time to evaluate

There are two main questions for this guidepost:

Was this Thanksgiving break a time of relaxation and reprieve (or did work become the escape)?

Overall, what do you want your holidays to look like?

Both are great questions as we continue to dive into a holiday experience that brings rejuvenation, rest, and joy. I encourage you to journal or talk to a close friend about your answers here. Take some time and really explore them.

Thanksgiving was probably a good precursor to how the Christmas holidays will go. If it resulted in higher stress for you, this is the perfect time to evaluate what you would like to do for December. How you spend the time during the holidays matters. For many, this is one of the only breaks from work or school that they will receive all year. It is vital that there are some moments of rest.

Which leads me to the next guidepost…

Guidepost 4: Know yourself and what you need

Here are your two main questions for this guidepost:

How do you recharge during your time off?

What can you add in during the holiday time to assist with that?

Again, Thanksgiving can be a great learning experience. If you felt burnt out or exhausted after this holiday, then you now have the opportunity and time to evaluate. How can you be creative during this upcoming Christmas vacation to add in moments of recharge and rest?

For the clients I work with, I encourage them to add in moments that incorporate their senses, inner child, and relationships. Let me explain. Your five senses are used daily to experience the world around you. Each of us have things that we love to experience, whether that be through taste, sight, sound, smell, or touch. Adding in moments on a daily basis that bring you joy is so vital to thriving in this life. During the holidays, I know that a walk outside does wonders for my mood and stress levels. I love to hear the birds in the morning and spend time in nature. It helps me focus. For others, it is the feeling of a warm blanket wrapped around them with hot cocoa.

This then also plays into your inner child. We are all passionate about different things. Incorporate those things this Christmas! Allow your creativity and playfulness to emerge. This can be through decorating the house, getting crafty, or implementing hobbies you enjoy (like baking cookies).

For moments that incorporate relationships, spend time with those around you who build into you, encourage you, and see you for who you are. These are the life giving moments that can happen as you take a walk with a friend, share a good meal with someone, or grab a cup of coffee since it’s freezing out. (Yes, I was born and raised in Florida. I get cold when a breeze blows.)

I would also encourage you to spend time with yourself. This is a relationship that is often neglected but so vital. Take a walk, read a good book, enjoy some yoga, build something new, or tear apart a car. This alone time is also recharging and necessary, just like the relational time with others is.

And lastly…

Guidepost 5: No.

It’s a complete sentence. You are allowed to say it, especially if an environment, outing, or family member has been shown to be unsafe.

You are not obligated to attend any gathering or talk to every family member.

I know that this goes against so many things you have been told and is uncomfortable to even acknowledge. However, part of thriving during the holiday season is realizing that you can protect yourself, even here. You are worth protecting. (Read that sentence again.) You do not need to relive the childhood trauma you endured because the person who hurt you decided they want you to come for Christmas dinner.

No is a complete sentence.

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Thanks for joining me on the guideposts to surviving the holiday season.

If you have any other guideposts you would like mentioned or broken down, leave a comment below and I’ll add them into the next post.

I hope you all have a wonderful holiday season!

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Filed Under: Emotional Health, Family, Mental Health, Relationships Tagged With: Boundaries, Coping Skills, Counseling, Holistic health, Life Seasons, Relationships, Self Care, Self Esteem, Self Knowledge, Self Love, Therapy, Transformation

How to Survive the Holidays (and not end up in jail) Part 1

November 22, 2021 by Andrea

Welcome one and all to our guide on surviving the holidays! (Part 1)

If you are one of those rare individuals who do not have family drama, conflict, or a long lost relative that chooses to reappear during the holiday season, that’s wonderful. For the majority of the population, the holidays seem to bring something out of those around us that we did not know was there (or that we desperately wanted to forget). Join me as we dive into not only how to survive this holiday season, but thrive. Now, thriving might still look like booking multiple therapy sessions come January, but no jail time is a win.

Guidepost 1: Gaining awareness

For those of you who have been in therapy at Phenix or have seen any of the Justin and Caitlin show (which will be returning for a season 2 btw), you have likely heard of the term “inner child”. For those of you who have not heard of this yet, our “inner child” is a part of us that represents our child self. The child self, when integrated, brings with it joy, spirituality, curiosity, and playfulness.

In general, our inner child loves to idealize situations and people, especially our family. It is an honest and vulnerable part of us that desperately wants our parents’ love, affirmation, and acceptance. For many people, their parents were either unable or unwilling to provide one of those qualities. The holidays then become the perfect time for the inner child to jump on the idealization train and hope that this year will be different. This is why the first step of surviving the holidays is gaining awareness of this tendency from little you.

There’s nothing morally or inherently wrong with wanting your family’s love and acceptance. We are wired for connection and the foundational connection we crave is from our parents. However, if we continue to idealize the family members every year, we are setting ourselves up for disappointment.

Which leads me to my next guidepost…

Guidepost 2: Gain awareness (of others)

I truly believe people can heal and relationships can be redeemed. With that belief, also comes a hearty dose of reality. Healthy relationships take authenticity and vulnerability, which requires a healthy amount of self awareness and desire to grow from each individual. Unfortunately, many families do not have relationships with each other that would be described as authentic and vulnerable. Gaining awareness of family patterns and dynamics will be vital. Here are some questions to ask:

How do the family members typically react to one another?

Is there a certain family member who consistently creates drama during the holidays?

Who becomes more stressed as Thanksgiving and Christmas inch closer? Why?

Who in the family is safe and healthy to talk to?

Who models authenticity and vulnerability?

How is the communication level? Do family members actually talk things out peacefully, or are problems avoided until a blow up occurs? (if it ever occurs)

People typically behave in the same patterns until significant work has been done to change and heal. Depending on what you have seen from holidays past, it is a safe bet to assume this holiday will be similar.

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Now that we have a place from which to begin, join me next week as we discuss the action steps you can take to take care of yourself during this time.

Filed Under: Emotional Health, Family, Mental Health, Relationships Tagged With: Counseling, Holistic health, Hope, Life Seasons, Relationships, Self Care, Self Love, Therapy, Transformation

Anti-Misery

November 1, 2021 by Andrea

How do you combat despair?

How do you keep worries in perspective?

I’m here to propose an answer to you. There is a power in remembering the good, no matter the situation we are in.

Today’s topic and answer to combatting despair, living a life of anti-misery, is gratefulness.

What comes to your mind when you hear the word “grateful”? What does it mean to you?

For some, they think of being thankful, and with this being November 1st, they think of Thanksgiving.

Others think of being positive, which can easily translate to this pressure to be positive 24/7.

I’m going to propose a different definition: to be grateful is to remember.

It’s not minimizing life’s struggles. It’s not minimizing the pain. It’s not ignoring the confusion or chaos around you. It’s choosing to remember the good. It’s remembering that the pain is not all there is. It’s knowing there is more.

Being grateful takes daily practice. The phrase “an attitude of gratitude” always used to frustrate me. Whenever I would hear it, it would usually be coming from someone who wanted me to only focus on the positive, not the real world situations around me. Plus, gratitude isn’t a feeling, or an attitude. It’s a daily practice and a choice. It also changes our perspective.

I have experienced some pretty tough things in my life. Healing from those moments has been a long journey. When I wake up in the morning, I have a choice. I can either choose to focus on the pain and ignore everything else. I can choose to ignore the pain and only focus on the positive (aka toxic positivity, not gratefulness) Or, I can choose to find and remember the things and people I am grateful for, while also acknowledging the very real pain that is there. This is how I have found joy, no matter my circumstances.

For me, not allowing the trials or pain to overcome me is also about not being powerless. Being a survivor of sexual assault, I know the feeling of powerlessness all too well. It ties in real easily with feeling hopeless and helpless. However, part of my healing journey has been reclaiming my power. It has been realizing that I have a say over my future. That my past doesn’t get to define me. Most importantly, that the man who assaulted me does not get the chance to determine who I will become.

That meant I needed to change my mindset. I could not live in a state of powerlessness, hopelessness, or helplessness. Because I wasn’t powerless. I wasn’t hopeless. I wasn’t helpless. I had been in that moment of assault, yes, but that was not who I was.

Remembering what I have and who I have to be grateful for, allows me to see that there is still good in the world. It reminds me that I am loved and worthy of being loved. It reminds me that there is hope and light. It is a daily practice that reframes the challenges I am going through.

Gratitude is powerful.

What are you grateful for today?

“It is not joy that makes us grateful,

it is gratitude that makes us joyful.”

Brother David Steindl-Rast

Filed Under: Emotional Health, Mental Health Tagged With: Coping Skills, Holistic health, Hope, Mindfulness, Self Care, Transformation

Maximizing Therapy

October 25, 2021 by Andrea

Have you wondered why excellent therapy can seem expensive?

Do you want to get the most out of the therapy process?

By the time a new therapist graduates from their masters program, they have spent more than 600 hours in graduate level classrooms taking courses dedicated to the art of helping people with life problems. They have sweated almost 2000 hours on homework and completed 1000 hours of supervised internship. All at a price tag of over $35,000 (minimum). Upon graduation, they must work under supervision for at least two years, complete an additional 1500 hours of client service and pass a national competency exam. When you show up in a therapist’s office, or log on to their teletherapy platform, you are meeting with a highly trained clinician who is there to help you reach your mental, emotional, and relational health goals.

Therapy is an investment in your future. Since insurance companies will not cover therapy for life issues (there must be a mental health diagnosis), many pay for this vital care out-of-pocket. Even with support for the cost, there is a significant investment of time establishing rapport with a therapist and digging in to the work. With that in mind, here are tips for getting the most bang for your ‘buck’!

At Phenix, we generally follow a steady arc in therapy: establishing safety, deconstruction of the old story (how did we get here?), grieving and then constructing the new story. We’ll look at tips for each stage but before we go there, here’s a foundational principle:

Recognize that therapy is just one hour out of 168 or one hour out of 336 if sessions are biweekly! Clearly, a lifetime of thinking and behaving a certain way will not be fixed in such short bursts. That means we must be ready to dedicate time outside of sessions to working on ourselves.

Establishing Safety –

Now is the time to be ruthless in clearing off your ‘plate’: Respectfully withdraw from commitments you don’t absolutely have to participate in. Notify your friends and family that you will not be as available as before. Setting boundaries poorly may be why you’ve come to therapy so this is a tough one. Make short term changes (like putting off involvement in something for a few weeks instead of saying “no” all together) which will buy you time to build the muscles you’ll need for more sustainable transformation.
Focus on the basics: sleep, nutrition and movement. Again, the point of therapy may be to get better at self care so take baby steps for now. Try to get to bed at a consistent time, decide what you need to add to your diet (not take away) to feel good and find movement you actually enjoy – even if it is just for 10 minutes.
Be honest with your therapist. Now is the time to share your concerns so that you can establish a strong working alliance. They are your guides on what will be a difficult journey at times. It is important you establish trust in their expertise and skill.
Try out the coping skills you and your therapist discuss so that you can determine what works for you and what doesn’t. You don’t want to wait until you are in the thick of the process to figure this out. Everybody is different and the possibilities are endless, so there is no substitute for testing things out.

Deconstruction of the old story –

Spend time between sessions reflecting on what you have discussed. Your therapy hour is just the beginning of making sense of your story and connecting the dots as to why you think and/or behave the way you do.
Review the material your therapist gives you (books, podcasts, videos, etc.). This is part of the process for understanding how you got to where you are.

Grieving –

Lean in to the discomfort. This stage takes courage. This is the stage when clients most often resist the therapist. Despite the strong alliance they have built and the trust that has been established, all of a sudden, “maybe my therapist isn’t so great after all. Why are they torturing me with this work?” Trust the process, it will be worth it!
Avoid working on your process after dinnertime each day. The end of your day should be spent winding down, not opening up Pandora’s box of emotion.
Experiment until you find a rhythm of self work time that works for you. Perhaps a one-and-done session each week when everyone knows not to disturb you or maybe 20 minutes each morning. It doesn’t matter the format – what matters most is consistency.

Constructing the new story –

This stage is about literally rewiring the brain. That means your efforts will feel awkward and counter-intuitive and that is OK.
Your sessions will involve either learning new skills that you will need to cultivate on your own or generating plans for handling situations differently than you have before. It’s all about action at this point so remind yourself constantly that different results demand different strategies.
Practice, practice, practice. Practice makes progress. Commit to take one baby step forward each day. Nothing changes by coming to therapy and talking about it. It changes when you leave the session and do things differently. Therapy helps you break this down into manageable baby steps and strategize the most effective changes.

An excellent auto mechanic can easily garner upwards of $100 per hour to fix our cars. We would consider it foolish to pay for their expertise, then do nothing to maintain the vehicle or prevent further issues. Our health is far more valuable than our cars so we hope that this post inspires you to invest in yourself and maximize that investment for the best return!

Filed Under: Emotional Health, Mental Health Tagged With: Counseling, Psychotherapy, Rebirth, Self Care, Therapy, Transformation

Aggressive Recovery

October 18, 2021 by Andrea

That’s an aggressive title, isn’t it?

With the world as it currently stands though, the way we recover from the daily chaos, stress, and unknowns has to be aggressive.

It has to be unstoppable.

We have to force through the circumstances of life to find time to take care of ourselves.

We desperately need it.

A common theme in therapy right now is exhaustion. Whether this is physical or more mental and emotional, everyone seems to be exhausted. Like a deep level of exhaustion that we have not known before.

The worse part is, due to how the world is currently going, we feel like we barely have any time to recover from the exhaustion. Days past, then months, then years. We look back and realize we haven’t lived. Just existed.

So how do we change this?

1. Analyze how you are currently recovering on a daily basis. Yes, I said daily. (sometimes hourly) Are there things you do with the sole intent of taking care of your spirit, soul, and body?

2. Find time. Recovery has to be important. The more we put it off and suppress the true nature of what we are going through, the more our body has to hold all of the pain and emotions. At some point, our bodies will shut down from holding too much. Waiting until that moment is not preferable, because it usually includes thousands of dollars in medical bills and a complete stop to our lives.

3. Pick something small. Expecting to drastically change your routine overnight isn’t realistic. That would also add unnecessary pressure to your life. Try just picking one thing that you can add to help with recovering at the end of the day. Below are some suggestions:

Incorporate your body: do something physical! Stretching is a great way to release tension held during the day.

Use your 5 senses: often this will also help ground you if you feel like you are flying on a tornado of life. Incorporate something you enjoy tasting, touching, smelling, hearing, or seeing to provide comfort.

Talk to someone or journal. Sometimes we have to decompress through talking about our days with a loved one or friend. This can help you gain a new perspective or release difficult emotions you may have been holding in.

4. Plan a retreat. I know Andrea and Justin both talked about this a few months ago, but planning some time away from the normal routine can be immensely helpful. This can be a time to intentionally rest, with no to-do list or expectations.

Self care can no longer be optional.

Taking care of our spirits, souls, and bodies has to be a priority.

We have to fight for ourselves and each other.

Filed Under: Service Tagged With: Counseling, Holistic health, Hope, Self Care, Self Love, Somatic, Transformation