Andrea, Author at Andrea Tackore

Grief – The land between…

October 12, 2021 by Andrea

Do you wish there was an instant switch from insight to doing life differently?

Have you ever been stuck in the transition between dysfunction and learning how to live in a new way?

Back in 2015, I heard Jeff Manion speak on his new book, The Land Between. I purchased the book at that conference and have referred to his thoughts many times since as I have passed through various transitions. In therapy at Phenix, we walk our clients through a grieving process after we have deconstructed their story. As I would explain the process to my clients, I caught myself using that phrase, “the land between” to help them understand where they are in the process. It finally occurred to me to return to Jeff’s material to see if there were any specific concepts that I could adapt specifically to this grieving process.

Jeff uses the bible story of the Israelites leaving Egypt and the time they spent in the wilderness as the metaphor for his book. Often, clients come to us because they are ready to leave their Egypt. As we unpack the story of how they got there, they become more and more convinced that they are done with the dysfunctions of their past. Treatment planning involves painting the picture of their “promised land” where healthy relationships, living in their calling, pursuing a career they love, intimacy with God, healed mental struggles, strong emotion management or physical ease reigns. Problem is, a vast wilderness exists between Egypt and the Promised Land and the journey is not linear!

Not only do we need to learn the skills required to thrive in the promised land, we first need to release the waste products of our Egypt. That is grieving. The wilderness is necessary. It is the place we shed our identity as slaves to our family of origin and position ourselves to live as our true selves. Just like the Israelites…if we skip over the process, we may find ourselves languishing in the wilderness far longer than needed. As much as grief sounds like the root canal we want to avoid, sustainable living in the promised land demands we move through it. So, buckle up and let’s review some guiding principles for the journey:

Our season of grief is fertile soil for meltdown. It is likely the main reason why most of us avoid it. The thought of allowing emotions to emerge can feel too intimidating: What do we do with the emotions we experience? What will happen if I express them? What if they consume me and I can’t function? Those are the concerns we face together and we equip you with the tools you will need to sit with and actually benefit from, your emotions.
Grief is also fertile soil for complaint. Let’s define that term. It is not lament – which is pouring out our heart’s emotions. Complaint is judgement against God, it is implying (or flat out stating), that we were/are better off without God. Thankfully, God is strong enough to handle our complaints and we specifically hold space for that in therapy if desired. For those who don’t subscribe to a Higher Power, it is judgment against life itself and the order of things – however we make sense of it. Complaint resists eviction which is why most of us require assistance for moving it out.
Opening hands to release the past makes space for provision. In therapy, provision looks like mental and emotional space for the new story. It looks like the skills and mindset needed to enter the promised land. As we release the self criticism, bitterness, fear and guilt of our old story, provision can look like contentment and strength.
Our informed consent disclosure details the risks of therapy – that classic dilemma of, “be careful what you ask for”. One of those risks is the fact that grieving reveals our own shadow selves, inviting discipline in those areas. This is often a painful process but it is also a rescue mission, a course correction that calibrates our compass toward our true selves…our purpose.
The hope of grief work is transformational growth. It is the soil God uses to grow the things our hearts desire. Grieving is the soil for learning to trust because trust is required for thriving in the promised land. Trust of self, trust of healthy others, trust of God. Trust pushes out complaint. It evicts the lifestyle of victimhood.

So whether you need to grieve a death or the losses you’ve identified in therapy, don’t skip the process. Seek out a wilderness guide (counselor) to help you make the most of the journey. If you live anywhere in FL, reach out to us!

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: Counseling, Grief, Loss, Self Care, Therapy, Transformation

My Experience with Covid-19

September 1, 2021 by Andrea

So this post will be different from my others.

Here at Phenix, we strive to live by authenticity. Which means we live out what we challenge each of you to do each session. Usually, my posts are written after I’ve processed something, after I have learned a new concept, one that I have had time to put into motion.

This post is raw. The truth is, it’s still going on. The emotions are still fresh, the situation is still real.

The reason for this post is to answer questions and to share this aspect of my journey. I’ve never had to miss this many days of work and I can only imagine what the unknown has been like for all of my clients.

Over the past year and a half, I’ve walked many clients through having covid or clients having family members have covid. So when the possibility of me being exposed came to light, there was definitely dread, but not a sense of foreignness to the process or symptoms.

My body had a different reaction though. I had just been healing from a combination of a sinus infection and ear infection, turned bronchitis for the past month. My roommate even commented how my cough had never gone away. So when my body was exposed to covid, it had no energy left to fight. I felt like crap for about 4-5 days but then my oxygen started tanking. Days 6-8, I couldn’t lift a bowl or hardly feed myself. The morning of day 8, my oxygen was officially in the 80’s and my roommate was driving me to the ER. From there, I found out the covid had progressed to covid pneumonia and there was a chance I’d be intubated in the ICU. The ER doctor made it clear I may not ever walk out.

The next 5 days in the hospital were some of the most terrifying experiences of my life. The isolation does something to you mentally, my body was not holding up, and we honestly didn’t know what would happen. Miraculously, my body began to reset and recover to where I could leave the hospital with oxygen. A miracle is the only word I have for it.

My parents took me in to watch over the recovery process since all of my internal organs now needed to be checked and I couldn’t move without oxygen. Little did I know when I moved in, that they had already been exposed to covid. Over the next week, as I slowly eased off oxygen and began to walk, I would watch them begin down the same path I had just experienced.

So that is the synopsis of the past three weeks. It was definitely a different experience than what I had imagined.

At Phenix, we are honest about the fact that we, as therapists, are human. Life happens. Unspeakable traumas occur. Things we don’t have answers to. Many of you are in therapy today processing events just like that.

I feel like a lot of life is learning how to sit in the unknown though. We want to have control, so we grasp at whatever we can, to feel a sense of safety. However, life has a way of reminding us that we don’t have all of the answers. For those of you who followed our Phenix videos last year during covid, I talked a lot about hope and how it is shown through the eternal renewal of nature.

Nature has a way of speaking truth through all of the chaos in the world.

Spring always comes after a dreary winter.

The sun always rises, no matter how dark the night.

Part of not only surviving, but thriving, in this world is learning to see the light amid the darkness. Now, I’m not talking about toxic positivity. (You know, those comments of how “everything’s going to be alright :)” and “you’ll get through this!!!” when your world is falling apart.)

I’m talking about how there can be glimmers of light even in the darkest of places. For me, that was my community. The people around me that stepped in, supported me, loved on me, and provided for me this entire time. The ones that sat with me in the unknown, cried with me in the sadness, and rejoiced with me when I rolled out of the hospital elated I could finally shower.

That is the type of community that is worth fighting for. That is the type of community that I aim to help each one of you have as your therapist. Honestly, if you had asked me years ago, it’s the type of community that I never thought was possible. But it is.

So as I end this post, here is what I hope you take away:

Your community matters. The people in your corner are vital. For those who have been wounded in relationships, know that it is actually possible to heal in relationships. (Speaking from experience here…I was that student in graduate school who told my professors I could heal outside of relationships. Relationships had caused too much harm for me to trust them. Yet here I am writing a blog post on the power of community and the healing that happens from true, authentic relationships.)

Everyone is having to sit with the unknown right now. There are things we all want answers to that unfortunately, we don’t have. Covid is still impacting many people and there is grief that words cannot express in so many lives. It is important that we have grace for those around us and ourselves during this time.

Hope is possibly one of the most important things we have. Remember, the sun always rises. No matter how dark the night.

Talk to you guys soon,

Caitlin

Filed Under: Relationships

All Consuming Loneliness

August 4, 2021 by Andrea

I originally had a different blog post planned, one with a great picture of one of my cats.

Then I met with individuals this week and heard what they had to say.

With COVID revamping, and just the daily stressors of being an adult in the 21st century in America, there was this pattern of loneliness.

Not just the “oh I’m bored and no one is available to hang out”. The “nights keep getting darker, I am depleted, alone, and losing hope” type of loneliness.

Here’s the kicker: no one that mentioned this loneliness is trying to avoid people or relationships. Sure there has been previous relational wounding (we’ve all dealt with that), but they are actively doing the work to heal. The struggle is we are never taught as children how to actually build friendships or a support system.

We go to school and find friends in class, surrounded by 20 other kids. Then middle and high school happens, and we follow the same pattern. Then college. Same pattern.

Suddenly we graduate. Once the happiness of never writing another paper fades away, we find that we have no idea where to go to find friendships, especially if we don’t have the people at work or don’t want to view work as the only outlet.

We try getting involved with different activities and hobbies. Even then, we can feel lost in how to form a friendship with someone where there is authenticity, vulnerability, accountability, security, consistency, and trust. (And honestly, do we even know what those qualities look like in a friendship…I have definitely had plenty of relationships that did not include all of those qualities.)

In 4 weeks, the Justin and Caitlin show will return to walk through what forming relationships looks like. We will spend time unpacking this and talking about the real struggles in today’s culture of building lasting friendships. I will also be writing blog posts detailing different aspects.

For the first blog post, I will leave you with this: You are not alone.

The struggle of finding healthy people to begin relationships with and how to even do that is not something that everyone else knows how to do besides you. It is something that we all have to learn, especially as adults. So the critical thoughts that begin attacking you, saying that something is wrong with you or that you are alone for a reason, now have a reason to be silenced. It is possible to heal from previous relational wounding that causes you to isolate from others. It is possible to find others that desire deeper friendships, authentic relationships. Over the next few months, we will walk through this. Together.

Filed Under: Family, Relationships

The importance of slowing down.

June 7, 2021 by Andrea

If you have been in therapy with anyone from Phenix Counseling, you have probably heard the following words:

the importance of slowing down.

There are usually a variety of reactions when this is discussed, all the way from the impossibility of even considering a different pace in life to flat out annoyance of still hearing this as an option. We get it. We’ve been there. Pretty sure my reaction was one of “uh huh” with no intention of actually doing so.

Slowing down completely goes against our society. It goes against this performance driven lifestyle, where you are only as good or as valuable as your recent accomplishment.

However, this lifestyle of go-go-go, constantly pouring out to others, not taking care of ourselves, trying to desperately prove that we are good enough or lovable, is deceptive. Not because we are trying to deceive anyone, but because it promises something it can never deliver. It says if we just keep going a little more, we’ll finally arrive. If we work a little harder, or give a little more, we’ll finally reach the top. We will finally be good enough.

We never reach it though.

Placing your value or worth in the hands of other people, living a lifestyle where you are constantly striving or giving with no return on building back into yourself, is a death sentence.

See, what the lie doesn’t tell you is that the stress, the non-stop nature of this lifestyle, creates an environment that hinders your growth, healing, and enjoyment in life. It creates an environment where you are surviving day to day, exhausted, and never catching a break. The added stress ends up doing damage to your organs and body that shows up as you age, usually at a pace much faster than others.

So if you’re like I was a few years ago, and realizing that maybe you’re curious if it is possible to find fulfillment in life with less stress, then continue reading. The number one secret, the first beginning step, is slowing down.

Now, this looks a variety of ways so I’ll only focus on one aspect of it today. These past few months, our blogs have been using the metaphor of gardening to illustrate forming a new life for yourself. We finished fertilizing last month. This month, we are focusing on the time in between planting the new seeds and harvesting the fruit. Unfortunately, this is usually the time that people become inpatient, wanting the results sooner than later, or become super busy in the excitement of seeing the new seedlings begin to emerge.

So let’s break this down.

What new seeds have you been planting in your life the past few months or year? (As in, what new decisions have you been making to change the course of your life). These could be small, such as drinking more water everyday in an effort to keep your body hydrated, or intentionally forming a new friendship with someone who is healthier than previous relationships.
Are you seeing growth in some of those areas? Which ones? How?

If you’re seeing growth, great. If you’re planting new seeds and waiting on seedlings to emerge, that is a powerful place as well. Here is my invitation to you:

Be intentional about how you spend your time during this process.

Again, slowing down can look many different ways, but we are only focusing on this one today. In the excitement of seeing changes in your day to day life, don’t allow the excitement to be the energy that pushes you to say yes to things that are not sustainable, that drain you more than they build into you, or are based on gaining someone else’s approval.

I invite you to take this time and really explore all of the things, events, groups, or people that you have said yes to. Is this lifestyle sustainable for you? Are these relationships sustainable? Is the new potential “yes” to something else manageable with everything else you have or would it actually begin to drain you?

This is a time of gaining awareness, giving grace to yourself, and just exploring your current lifestyle. We will be discussing this more in depth as the month goes on, so feel free to comment below your answers to the above highlighted questions.

Filed Under: Relationships

The Art of Fertilization Part 1

May 11, 2021 by Andrea

I started growing a green bell pepper plant around the same time we began posting about sowing. My coworker, Justin, had already done the work of planting the seed. My job was just to fertilize and nurture the little growing plant. Let me tell you though, a lot easier said than done. Plants may have the same basic needs, but each one manifests differently: how much water they need, how much sun they need, how much room they need to grow. My bell pepper plant, Phoebe, almost died, until I learned which needs of hers I wasn’t meeting and how to do so.

Sound familiar?

Many times, we run throughout life trying to make things work but not knowing how to meet our own needs.

This is especially true for those in the helping profession. If you don’t know how to meet your own needs, how will you meet the needs of others? This is true for parents as well. If you struggle to identify and meet your own needs, or struggle to have a community around you that also assists with meeting certain needs, how will you do that for your child?

For those of you who have played the role of “helper” or “rescuer” in your family, it is safe to say that you became very proficient at reading others and identifying what you needed to do to please them. However, many times your own needs were shut down in the process.

Maslow’s Hierarchy can actually be a good starting place. I invite you to take some time this week to review the base needs on the triangle and see if you are meeting those in your daily life. Yes, I know those needs on the bottom seem simple, but often we are not even meeting those consistently. If you can confidently say you are meeting those needs consistently, then move to the next level.

*Maslow’s theory is an adaptation of the Siksika Blackfoot tribe’s tipi concepts along with several other sources not traditionally credited.

Source:https://www.simplypsychology.org/maslow.html#gsc.tab=0

Filed Under: Service

Sneakers and Mental Health

May 1, 2021 by Andrea

Do you have sneakers/cleats you no longer wear or that just never felt comfortable? Want to avoid adding to our exploding landfills? Would you like to help provide excellent mental health care to your neighbors?

Have we got an easy plan for you! Drop those shoes off at one of two locations during the month of May. When we turn them in to the agency that collects them, we will receive a small payment for each shoe (every little bit adds up!) that will be added to our scholarship fund.

Drop off locations are:

Firefly Yoga Studio (Ocoee location)

Mondays between 8:15am and 6:15pm

Tuesdays & Thursdays between 6:15am and 7:30pm

Wednesdays between 9:45am and 6:15pm

Fridays between 9:45am and noon

Saturdays between 8:15am and 9:45am

Shoe contributors will receive a coupon for one free class (Limit one coupon per person)

2. Joy Performing Arts in Oviedo

Mondays – Thursdays between 11am and 8pm

Saturdays between 9am and 1:30pm

(Closed memorial day weekend Friday-Monday

Shoe contributors will receive a coupon for one free class (Limit one coupon per person)

If you’ve been following us for any length of time, you know that as a team, we are passionate about service. Not only do we get hands on in the community, but as a company – we maintain our commitment to service through: 1) Each counselor keeping one client spot dedicated to a person who pays what they can afford. In this case, the counselor & practice absorb the financial loss. 2) A percentage of net profit is ear-marked for a scholarship fund that will enable recipients to obtain therapy at whatever fee they can pay. The difference between their payment and the counselor’s fee will be drawn from the scholarship fund.

2020 didn’t go according to plan when it came to reaching our fund goal but we are on track to start disbursing in July of this year!! To help the process along, we brainstormed ideas for fund raising and came across this sneaker idea which we love because it’s a win-win: not only do we generate funds but we also contribute to good stewardship of the planet.

We have had supporters offer to donate directly to this fund once they heard about it but we had not set up a way to make this happen. Now we have a link!! Please know that Phenix is not a 501c3 organization. With the tax law changes in 2018 which effectively made itemized deductions no longer worthwhile for the average taxpayer – we cannot justify the cost of setting up a non-profit organization for the scholarship fund. We would rather put every penny directly into covering counselor fees… That said, if you would like to donate directly to the scholarship fund – just click the link below. We have set it up to clearly mark the transaction as a fund donation so it is allocated correctly.

CLICK HERE TO DONATE TO SCHOLARSHIP FUND

Filed Under: Service Tagged With: Community Service, Counseling, Psychotherapy, Scholarship, Therapy

Tending the Garden

April 15, 2021 by Andrea

Last month we looked at sowing – how to begin the process of creating the life we want to have.

This month, we are exploring the next step in the process – tending the garden as it begins to grow. Tending has two main parts, pruning and weeding. Both require patience.

Pruning starts as the plants begin to grow. You’ve done the hard work of prepping the garden and sowing the seed, patiently waiting for the little leaves to show. However, as the plant continues to grow, sometimes some leaves, branches, or stems need to be cut off or shaped for it to grow even more full and tall – to reach its potential.

Have there been times where you realized certain parts of your old life (or people) needed to be cut off so you could continue to grow? Pruning can be painful. However, cutting off those parts that are dying or holding us back can make all the difference.

Weeding, on the other hand, is something else entirely. I view weeding as more of a protective mechanism, rather than something done to push towards growth and transformation. Weeding is figuring out which little seedlings are from the seeds you planted, and which are invader plants that will cause harm or kill off the newly formed growth.

I have to say, I was avoiding this blogpost. See, I can talk about pruning all day. It’s not pleasant but it is a different type of pain than weeding. Pruning comes with choosing that a leaf or branch needs to go. So yes, definitely painful, but there is not a sense of betrayal. When the weeds are first growing, they look a lot like little offshoots of the seeds. Like maybe they will be beneficial to the garden, not harmful. Recently, I realized one of the offshoots I had in my own life was actually a massive weed. It started showing its true nature and for my own safety and sanity, I had to pull it out. Weeding can leave you with the questions of “how did I not notice this sooner?” or “did I do something wrong?”. It left both for me. I thought this weed was a seed I had planted, one that would actually bear much fruit. Instead, it was a weed that was prepared to take out the entire garden.

Has that ever happened to you? It’s difficult to put into words the feelings that come along with it, as well as the sense of betrayal. If you have had to recently pull out some weeds, I encourage you to give yourself some time to rest. The weeds were realistically syphoning a lot of nutrients from the soil, so you may feel depleted or discouraged. Resting will give you time to build back up, to heal, and then to begin growing again.

Take some time to examine your garden. Are there leaves or branches that need to be pruned? Are there weeds that need to be removed? If so, what is the game plan for protecting the garden you have spent so long preparing and nurturing?

Filed Under: Uncategorized

The importance of sowing

March 9, 2021 by Andrea

I am currently smack dab in the middle of this time in a therapist’s life called Registered Internship. It is a time where grad school has finished (thank You, Jesus) but you are not yet licensed. It is this in-between time, this time of transition. Often, it is viewed as a segment of life that one wants to pass through as quickly as possible, licensure being the ultimate goal. We have all had times like these, whether it be the 9 months before a new baby is born, the training time as you begin a new career, the unknowns of buying and selling your first house, or medical appointments with no clear diagnosis yet.

So what do we do in this time in-between? Between our origin and our so called destination? Besides focusing so much on the destination and what it might look like that our own anxiety runs rampant?

You can sow.

You can ready the soil, sow the seed you wish to plant.

What would that look like for you? What would it look like to be intentional with your day to day activities, including having time to rest? What would it look like to reach the destination one day and NOT be burnt out from the journey?

Most importantly, this time of transition invites us to slow down. Sowing takes time. A harvest does not come up from nothing.

It takes discipline. It takes patience. It takes consistency.

We are taught in America that we can have what we want within moments. What used to take months or years now takes minutes. So it makes sense that this pattern would then be expected to transfer to other areas of our lives. However, our growth, maturity, and change does not happen overnight. It takes time.

I was challenged recently to look at a story from the book of Nehemiah in the Bible. Nehemiah goes to Jerusalem with the intent of rebuilding the city’s walls. Verse 11 says this, “I went to Jerusalem…”. That is the extent that Nehemiah discusses his trip. However, if you look at where Nehemiah began and where Jerusalem was, the man walked close to 1,000 miles. Let’s review that again, shall we? He WALKED a 1,000 MILES. I walk a few and am ready for a nap. Doing the math, if he didn’t stop to sleep, eat, or rest, it still would have taken him around 14 days to get to Jerusalem. I’m assuming he did all of the above to not be burnt out when he got there (and to still be alive).

He took the journey. It would not have been perfectly smooth. It would not have been a piece of cake, and there was no car or airplane to help him get there quicker. He had no idea what Jerusalem would look like since their defensive wall had been destroyed. He had no idea what he was walking in to, yet he took the time to take the journey.

I wonder what that time was like. How did he change and grow? How was he challenged and what did he have to overcome? In what ways did he have to rely on God for more than just food?

Sowing takes time. We can rush through the unknown to reach our supposed destination, but what will we have missed along the way? Will we be burnt out and exhausted upon reaching it? If so, what good does that do us? What are we trying to prove?

The quality of the sowing you do impacts the harvest. If you haphazardly throw the seeds around hoping they stick, or plant as many as possible as quickly as possible, or only plant when it feels convenient to you, your harvest may not be as bountiful. However, if you take the time to learn how to sow the seeds, which ones you want to sow, how they need to be taken care of and watered, and how to ready the field properly, you might be surprised.

Taking the time to sow new seed is also scary. You never know how the harvest will turn out. Here’s what I’ve learned though: I’d rather take the time to slow down. I’d rather take the risk of planting the seed well and choosing new types of seed, than rushing through only thinking about the final result. I learn more. I grow more. I rest more. I also become more disciplined and consistent, kinder, and more loving.

There is a joy that comes when a new little seedling emerges. When a new little leaf begins to bloom. However, if we are so focused on the destination that we miss it, we might end up missing more than just seeing a leaf open. We end up missing the moments that make life beautiful. The little ones that we never forget.

And who knows. Maybe the destination you have been so focused on is actually very different than you think. Maybe the quality of the destination, or the time you get to spend there, is all based upon how you sowed during the moments when no one was watching.

Filed Under: Uncategorized

True Love?

February 12, 2021 by Andrea

Valentine’s Day is coming up and the whole month seems to be focused on this concept of love – finding it, keeping it, healing from the loss of it, nurturing it, or even avoiding it.

But what is love really? Where does it even start?

Many times for people, love equals acceptance. We try to earn the acceptance through how we look, how we dress, who we talk to.

For others, their definition of love is intimacy. They then begin the search for that intimacy, that feeling of being known and belonging. This could be through a relationship, but it could also be through a cycling of relationships, porn, movies, and/or books.

For the dictionary, it is a “feeling of deep affection”.

But what if love is so much more?

I have felt that feeling of deep affection before. I have even used the word “love”. However, the relationships did not last. There was a common theme though. I was great at trying to make them happy. To appease them, to make sure they would accept me, love me.

But I didn’t love myself.

That lack of love towards myself became the breeding ground for choosing individuals to date who were not healthy, the breeding ground for not taking care of myself and my body, and for desperately seeking others’ approval and love because I had none to give myself.

The foundation of a healthy relationship begins with you.

We can’t love others for all of their mistakes, imperfections, and habits, if we look at ourselves with disdain and criticism.

Now, I’ve heard it said multiple times: “Well I love others easier than I love myself.” Or “I can love others but I can’t extend that same grace to myself.” This is where I would challenge you to look deeper. Peel back another layer of the onion and ask yourself “why?”.

If being able to love ourselves is not the foundation, there are usually deeper reasons that we are able to extend that grace to others, but not ourselves. These deeper reasons can be wanting others to accept us and love us, not believing we are worthy due to a myriad of reasons, or countless other options. However, if we search for a relationship to heal those deep wounds or fill those gaps in our lives, to prove to ourselves that we can be loved, the relationship will always fall short. Because at the end of the day, we are trying to use others to fill a hole they cannot fill. To meet a need they cannot meet.

So the question really becomes: “How, this February, can you begin the process of loving yourself?”

And if you believe that to be futile or even impossible, the question is then: “Do you believe you can be loved?”

That answer, even if there is hesitation or if it is “no”, can open a door to a journey of healing that you may never have thought possible. Because here is the bottom line: even if you found a ‘perfect’ person, who miraculously never made a mistake and was able to love you in the most selfless way possible, if you do not believe you can be loved, you would not be able to accept their love. It’s one of the reasons we sabotage good relationships, why we start fights when nothing is wrong. Your view of yourself is the foundation of what you bring into the relationship.

It is a process to begin understanding how to love yourself and it is different for everyone. To start, make a list of things you enjoy. Break it up by your five senses and write about 20 per sense. For example:

Sight : the ocean/water, trees calmly blowing in the wind, a punching bag, my cats sleeping, my tennis shoes, a dance studio, a sunrise, etc

Cultivating this list will take some time. It can also change over time. However, the beginning of loving someone is knowing them. So this February, take some time to get to know you. What you enjoy, what makes you happy. Who knows, you just might like who you find.

Filed Under: Relationships, Service

Pandemic Combustion Prevention

November 7, 2020 by Andrea

Illustrate combustion

Have you about reached your limits after almost 8 months of chaos? Most of us began this season in March with some level of anxiety but a commitment to be careful and a belief that “this too shall pass”. Well. It hasn’t quite gone that way, has it? Not only are we staring down the barrel of a resurgence as winter approaches (something the experts predicted back in April), but add in social unrest, election vitriol and a complete breakdown of societal support and structure across every level. While folks have developed a routine of one foot in front of the other to get through our days, even those of us privileged enough to still have a job with the freedom to work from home, are beginning to realize that our gas tanks are near empty. With no end in sight, what is the plan?

It is time to stop and be strategic. As much as we would love to believe in the magic of a new year, 1/1/2021 will not bring with it any major changes. We are looking at more of the same for many months to come. In the coming weeks, we are supposed to figure out how to celebrate holidays without putting ourselves or others at undue risk. Not to mention – find the energy to do so. As mental health professionals, we’ve been observing all of this and feeling compelled to bring reasonable strategies to the table along with specific action steps that we can focus on as we bring this year to a close.

Mentally
Treat your brain like your favorite recipe – the ingredients you put in determine the end product. What are your priorities in life? Is it a mission you are called to; a role that you value – leader, spouse, parent; a set of spiritual values? What are the concepts bigger than you which should drive the way you do life? Once you have clarity on priority – become a diligent curator of everything you consume! The websites you visit, the people/accounts you follow on social media, the shows you watch, the books/articles you read, the videos you watch, the podcasts you listen to, the music you play…take a militant stance toward each and every ingredient being deposited in your brain. Does each one align with the priority you identified? If the ingredients don’t match up, the dish you end up with will not have any resemblance to what you claim to be of importance to you. Remember quality matters as well. Marinara made with grocery store tomatoes cannot compare to the sauce made with heirloom tomatoes from grandma’s backyard, right?

Action step: Spend a week making note of everything you take in, then sit down and make decisions about what needs to go and what ingredients are missing in light of what matters most to you.

Emotionally
Protect space in your life to notice, identify and express your emotions. If you struggle with knowing what emotions you are experiencing, try using this emotion wheel to give you the broader vocabulary which may help you get more specific about what you are feeling.

label emotions

Or…maybe words are not your issue, perhaps it is just not feeling connected to emotion at all. Relying less on your brain to figure it out and more on listening to your body may help. Just sitting quietly and scanning your body to find areas of tension, relaxation, pain, discomfort, unease or any other sensation can give you wonderful clues as to what is happening emotionally. There are very good reasons why we lose connection to our own internal life and this is where therapy may be a great idea to build back that connection.

Action step: Experiment with a daily reminder on your phone for various times of the day: try morning, mealtimes, afternoons or bedtime. When the alarm sounds, dedicate 10 minutes to tuning in to how you are feeling and express it in some way: draw something, find a song that matches, share it with someone or write it in a journal. By the end of the year, you will know what techniques work and what time of day is best or you will have clarity on the fact that it is time to reach out for assistance.

Physical
Seek quality information and focus on the basics over which you have control. Choose properly qualified sources for health information. (No, your meme-posting college friend who works in banking is not a good prospect). Look for people who are on the front lines of this pandemic – treating actual COVID patients or doing the research currently – and listen to their reports. COVID-19 was first reported on December 31, 2019 globally. Ten months is a very short period of time in the world of medicine. We have to expect the information to deepen and grow each week, so taking any kind of permanent stance on what works and doesn’t is not wise. Find good sources, listen to the information for yourself so that you can make wise decisions about your health and those with whom you come in contact. If you have friends working in the microbiology, epidemiology or infectious disease fields, ask them for recommendations. Here are a few resources to consider as well:

Medscape Resources

Simple model of what we currently understand regarding how the virus is transmitted. Note this is based on computer modeling and assumes a person in their most infectious stage of the virus. The encouraging news is how effective simple strategies are against this worst-case scenario!

Laurel Bristow, Infectious Disease Researcher

Samantha Yammine, PhD – Neuroscientist/Science Communicator

Kennen Hutchison – PhD Student-Neuroinvasive Virology

Action step: Find one or two good qualified sources for pandemic research information and do your best to minimize everything else so that you can protect yourself from panic and overwhelm. Take a look at the basics in your life: gentle nutrition, sleep and joyful movement. These are the things over which you have the most influence. Determine the baby steps you can take to gain progress in those areas.

Social
Abandon ‘all or nothing’ approaches to social engagement. We need each other and so we need to be flexible in creating opportunities to connect. We are called to physically distance – we do not have to socially distance. It is time to let go of waiting on how it used to be. Grieve the days that are in the rear view mirror. The ways in which we interact – both in person and digitally are changed forever. Change is constant. We will have some elements of contact back someday AND we will have precautions that will stay with us indefinitely. Many of us have refused to reckon with this reality, holding out for a return to “normal” while life passes us by in isolation. Don’t skip the grief: the reckoning, the hurt, the fear, the anger, the sadness, the acceptance…it all must be attended to if we are to avoid the subconscious consequences. Acceptance is hard won. It looks like intentional strategies to regain what has been lost, from new sources.

Action step: Commit to the digital tools you may not enjoy as the price to be paid for relationship: video calls, phone calls, apps. Feel the irritations, the frustrations, whatever difficult emotions you have and move forward anyway. Put these digital connection appointments in your calendar so that they have a chance to slowly work their way into your normal routine. Use the information you have gained from the science community to develop reasonable strategies for in-person gatherings. Talk to your doctor about your unique vulnerabilities. Discuss your decisions with friends and family and find the ones who are willing to commit to the steps required for minimizing risk to yourself and loved ones. Make those folks members of your pandemic pod and enjoy your time together!

Would you benefit from a step-by-step walk through in applying these suggestions? Click here to download our pacing manual! We provide the questions and worksheets to help you identify your priorities, evaluate your media consumption, manage your emotions, improve your sleep, design your pandemic pod and prioritize your relationships. We also provide great resources for learning more about helpful phone apps, nutrition and exercise.

GET THE MANUAL HERE

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: Boundaries, Coping Skills, Counseling, Grief, Holistic health, Psychotherapy, Relationships, Self Care