Uncategorized Archives - Page 3 of 3

Toxic Sea

October 13, 2016 by Andrea

At lunch with a friend today, we discussed our various stressors and life issues. She paused and remarked that there was something we had not considered. She went on to explain that she had to believe the larger context of what is happening in society today was taking its toll on our mental and emotional health. Immediately, I believed she was on to something! As we unpacked this spontaneous idea, it was sobering to stop and consider this larger impact. Every single day, we are surrounded by social media posts, newscasts, reality shows, and casual conversation that disparage, discourage and dishearten. The level of anger, fear and trauma that exists in our society may not be new, but its far-reaching broadcast is unprecedented. Never in the history of mankind have we had such immediate access to the lowest dregs of human experience. This has become our norm and as the old saying goes – fish don’t know they are in water. When we are constantly surrounded by this acid rain, it becomes invisible…impossible to notice. What we don’t see is absorbed without ceremony. We don’t fight what we don’t observe. That is frightening to consider when I reflect on what we are regularly besieged by.

This concern led me to sit down and draw up a battle strategy and I want to share it in hopes that we can confront this problem together. Perhaps it will inspire others to make their own fight list. My overall approach is based on the concept of ‘detox’. If we are surrounded by a toxic world, then we must regularly take steps to combat this toxicity with some sort of cleansing. Each week, I have a fasting day where I drink only liquids and everything I ingest is organic. I always feel so good at the end of the day so I have a tangible experience to motivate me in this mental and emotional strategy. Here’s what I have so far:

Develop a daily practice of taking a few minutes to notice the water we’re swimming in. As I mentioned, we don’t fight what we don’t observe so this acknowledgement is the first step. Use mindfulness techniques to take note of what messages are coming at you from the people around you and the media you watch/listen to.
Sabbath – whether you follow a faith tradition or not, you’ve probably heard this word. I have come to believe that in my own faith perspective, the purpose of Sabbath is to re-calibrate my brain to my priorities and remind me that I am not God. With this in mind, it makes sense to me Sabbath for each of us would look different in terms of what we do and don’t do on such a day. What we each need to reset our brains and regain perspective on what we’re responsible for and what we are not will vary. The trick then is to know yourself well enough to determine those needs and what activities will meet them. (The real battle is setting aside a 24 hour period to make this happen but therein lies the lesson that I am not God – the world will continue just fine without me if I get off the merry go round for a day!).
Be intentional about exposing ourselves to what is noble, lovely, admirable, excellent and praiseworthy. On a regular basis.
Cultivate friendships with people who offer life-giving words and make the effort to spend time with them. `
Consider a recurring fast from all negative input: television, radio, social media, etc. It is important to replace those things with something fulfilling so make a plan before you start.

I think this is enough to start with. I’d love to hear ideas from others. Each of us have unique mental and emotional vulnerabilities. What I need for a cleanse is different from what others may need so the more minds contribute to this conversation, the more likely we can generate a list that has a little something for everyone!

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: Coping Skills, Foundations, Mindfulness, Self Care

Career Work

September 27, 2016 by Andrea

One of the courses I teach regularly is Career Development. As a result, that topic is regularly on my radar. I really enjoy teaching the class and love even more – working with people who are making decisions about their career. So, how does the process work?

Career development begins with knowing yourself. (Does this blog have a theme or what?) How can we determine our best career fit if we don’t fully know ourselves? Thus, the counseling process begins with working collaboratively to drill down to the true self – who God created you to be. I use a combination of the Career Style Interview (CSI) developed by Savickas as well as results from familiar assessments like the MBTI or the Strong Interest Inventory. Assessments are wonderful for identifying specific traits, interests and talents but if the goal is to get to know the true self, we have to go deeper and that’s where the CSI comes in. It offers a creative way to explore who you really are, the foundational ideals that define you, environments in which you thrive, how you deal with problems, and the deeper preoccupations that drive you. This gives context to the assessment results.

The second part of the career development process applies to clients who wish to include their faith journey. For this, I use Gordon T Smith’s book, Courage and Calling. It is the best resource I’ve found for walking through the process of discerning God’s call on our lives. Not everyone is a reader so perhaps we use the book on audio or I share the videos I’ve created from the book for the class I teach…whatever works to get into the material. Then, we digest it all according to your learning style: journaling, expressive projects or discussion.

The peak of the process is in stepping back and looking at all the data: the contextual picture of self, specific assessment results, and the spiritual principles learned (if we took that route). At this stage, I provide interpretation and suggestions to help you create the vision for your future that feels most authentic to your God-given purpose. Homework usually involves the research needed to craft your specific strategy – typically interviews with folks in your field of interest, visits to schools if further education is required, etc. With this information, we are able to set out a step by step plan for walking in your vocation.

Incidentally, as we work through this career focus, it is not unusual to uncover issues that need counseling attention: holes in self knowledge, self esteem deficiencies, unaddressed losses or traumas that hinder living out your calling. In such cases, you have the option to detour and attend to it, or simply make note of the need and commit to the work at a later date. Overall, the career development process can be one of the most enjoyable and fulfilling experiences in counseling!

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: Career, Career Coaching, Career Counseling, Counseling, Identity, Psychotherapy, Self Knowledge, Vocation

Mourning

September 19, 2016 by Andrea

I’ve often described it like standing on the sea shore. At first, the water is stormy and I’m regularly knocked down by an incoming wave that overwhelms me. I find myself swallowing a lot of salt water. Slowly (over years), the water calms down a little. The waves aren’t as huge. I’ve developed a strategy for bracing myself. They start coming in less frequently and I either handle the occasional wave like a champ or I get rusty and am surprisingly flattened by the next one. There’s no rhyme or reason to which way it goes. Perhaps it is a reflection of the context of my life – what else is going on, the level of emotional reserve I have in the tank when the wave comes. This is what grieving feels like to me and when I’ve shared this metaphor with others on the path, they nod knowingly.

That’s not the way our culture portrays it though. Typically, grief is shown as this linear journey which has as it’s goal – “getting back on the horse” or some similar cliche. You feel terrible at first. You’re allowed to have a few good cries but then you’re supposed to start sucking it up and finding something to do with yourself so that you can “get on with your life”. You can talk about your loss for a week or three but after that – folks squirm, look uncomfortable and try to redirect the conversation to more positive topics in an effort to rescue you from your pain. This leaves many feeling as though something is terribly wrong with them. They go into protection mode for their loved ones…not wanting anyone to be worried – effectively painting themselves into a corner of truncated grief.

My grieving path began with the loss of my adoptive mother. Eighteen years later, I lost my adult daughter. A little over a week ago, I lost my cousin who was more like a big sister to me. There have been other losses in between but those are the big kahunas. I have found one of the most important aspects of healthy grieving is the space and time to tell stories. I am incredibly blessed with a family that loves to sit around and tell stories about our departed loved ones. Tears (even years after the loss) are totally accepted. I speak about my daughter in every aspect of my life. One of the greatest compliments I’ve ever received is when someone said they felt like they knew her based on how much I incorporate her into my conversation. I have found that when I make it an open part of who I am, the people around me come along for the ride. They are comforted that the subject is not taboo – they don’t have to tiptoe around it. While our culture defaults to silence, I find that most individuals are terribly relieved when transparency is modeled.

Obviously, this topic is fresh on my mind this week and as I ponder my own path, I’m more aware of the grieving of others…The difficulty we face in this culture of doing it well. My passion for walking this path with others and my recognition of the work as sacred is renewed. Grieving isn’t just about the death of a loved one. It can be the death of a relationship, of a dream, of a life stage. Such passages are significant losses that must be acknowledged and processed if we are to glean all that it has to teach us and to move forward in good health. I encourage you to embrace this process and enlist a wilderness guide to walk with you!

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: Counseling, Grief, Group Therapy, Loss, Psychotherapy

Self Care 4.0

September 12, 2016 by Andrea

This is the fourth and final post in a series on the topic. Return to the first post here…

In our last post, I offered a preview of the difficult path to self love. Even so, it is hard to truly understand the nuances of the journey until you are in the thick of it. Nevertheless, as you move forward, it is comforting to think back to these discussions, realizing that yes – this is what she was talking about. It is much easier to endure when you are confident in the normalcy of your experience and the payoff to come.

I mentioned that while you experience the challenges I detailed, there would be a parallel venture that would be vital in supporting your work. That parallel venture is the art of setting boundaries. From the beginning, we looked at the challenges presented by the over-full life that comes with a lack of self love. You forged ahead anyway, sensitive to these limitations but determined nonetheless. Baby steps are necessary at the beginning…only the most basic self care tasks can be incorporated successfully. Before long though, growing pains ensue. The more you get to know yourself, the more compelled you are to make significant changes in your life…to set boundaries.

Boundaries mark what is you and what is not you. What you are responsible for and what is not your burden to bear. They provide a portal at which it can be determined what is OK and what is not OK for you. Do you see the connection to self love? How can you determine what is you and yours if you do not know your true self? How do you know what is OK for you if you do not understand your value? Self love cannot be lived out unless space is created to engage in self care. This space is created through boundaries. Fences that protect what is important. Think about the lawn edging that protects the garden bed from encroaching grass and weeds. Thus, you have a symbiotic process happening: boundaries are impossible to determine and enforce without self love….self love is impossible to pursue without boundaries. That combination is what facilitates self care. Now it all makes sense why self care falls apart so easily!

It is extremely difficult to balance this delicate connection by ourselves. Once again, we see the need for an objective other to help us continuously monitor this balance in the midst of our crazy lives which seem to conspire against us when we set out to grow.

I hope that this series has been food for thought and that you are equipped to choose your partner/s for the journey. We’re here to help – individually or in like minded groups.

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: Boundaries, Counseling, Foundations, Group Therapy, Identity, Psychotherapy, Self Care, Self Esteem, Self Love

Self Care 3.0

September 5, 2016 by Andrea

This is the third in a series on the topic. Return to the first post here…

We’ve established the core issue: self love, and we’ve laid the foundation for the work. So what’s next? This series emerged largely from a recent discussion with a friend. About halfway through the conversation she exclaimed – and all this comes from just trying to take better care of yourself?! Yes. It’s complicated. As she reflected on the poor unsuspecting client who shows up for that first appointment thinking they just need to come up with a better self care plan, she declared that this process ought to come with warning labels! Consider this post the caution tape that surrounds a work in progress 🙂

Think about an important loved one in your life right now. When they first appeared, did you have any idea you would love them as you do right now? I imagine when you first met, there was an extensive process of getting to know them. Would it be possible to love this person the way you do without knowing them as you do? Probably not. Likewise, the first step in this process is getting to know yourself. The person God created you to be, not just who others need you to be. Eugene Peterson said, “we are not ourselves, by ourselves”. That quote captures the importance of our ‘others’ on this journey. If we are to know ourselves, we need mirrors, but we must seek out objective mirrors. Many of the people in our lives can be like that carnival house of mirrors – each one offering their own distorted reflection rooted in what they need and want from us. Hence why we must have reflectors who don’t have a dog in the fight – who can tell us what they see in us without agenda. We still elicit data from our full community, but we bring it all back to the objective other who can help us evaluate and discern how much of the reflection is us and how much is the bend of the mirror.

Personally, I have found it helpful to reflect on my childhood. In particular, I try to remember simple moments I spent alone in my own thoughts or in non-directed activity, just being a child and not the manifestation of what adults required of me. Those recollections have been invaluable in showing me my true heart…the unique characteristics God placed within me that got buried over the years by life circumstances. There are aspects of this process that are really fun. Remember what it was like when you first met your best friend and who they are was unfolding before you? If you go into this process with an open mind and genuine curiosity, this can be the same. However, it isn’t all fun and games. There are aspects of you that aren’t so fun to uncover. Our shadow selves…the parts that shame forced us to bury? This is an example of how the truth hurts sometimes but there is a difference between hurt and harm. Pain is usually a necessary component of growth. What should we do when we have to have a medical procedure done? We prepare as best we can by completing tasks ahead of time we know we won’t have the capacity to do. We line up support whether it is transportation, meals or help with chores. We accept the pain as part of the process – we don’t jump off the bed, pack our bags and go home. We realize that would be ten times worse. Afterward, we follow the doctor’s orders, we rest, we go to physical therapy (more pain) and we do the work necessary for recovery. The process (done properly) – as painful as it is – does not harm us. It does just the opposite. It heals us. Learning to love ourselves is exactly the same! We get to discover the good, bad and ugly parts of ourselves so that we can celebrate the good, take away the power from our shadow and tenderly care for the ugly so that it can heal.

The other difficult component is the grieving process that begins when we start to see the canyon lying between who we were created to be and the ‘personas’ we created over the years to get through life. Or…perhaps we’ve been living out a true self but only a small slice of who we are because we figured out the other parts wouldn’t be accepted. As we look back at decisions, choices and relationships that were lived out from this other place – the assessment can jack up our lives. We may deny it all at first. It’s all too much to accept: This dissonance between the me I am discovering and how I’ve actually lived. Many of us abandon the journey at this stage. We’re not ready. Or, perhaps we try to embrace the authentic self without dismantling the masks we so carefully crafted. This doesn’t work and sooner or later a choice is forced. Author Mark Buchanan says, “Things that are meant to be must first plunder and displace things that are.” There is no room for both. Plunder – steal goods from (a place or person), typically using force and in a time of war or civil disorder. This process becomes a civil war in many ways. Anger at all those who forced their agendas on you and/or anger at self for allowing this, emerges and demands your attention. The underlying fear and hurt must be processed. Deep sadness settles in as the old, the untrue, the ‘no longer functional but all I know’ is put to death. Finally, grace prevails when we stick it out. Light appears at the end of the tunnel and acceptance begins to dawn as we embrace our authentic self and begin to appreciate the complexity and value of who we are as image bearers of our Creator. The pain is all so worth it!

There is a parallel venture happening as we focus on knowing and loving self. In the final post of this series, we will look at that simultaneous battle and how it necessarily supports the first.

You’ve read the warnings but you believe you’re ready for the journey? Consider contacting us to share your interest in a therapy group related to this topic!

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: Counseling, Grief, Group Therapy, Psychotherapy, Self Care, Self Knowledge, Self Love

Self Care 2.0

August 28, 2016 by Andrea

This is the second in a series on the topic. Return to the first post here…

Once we are aware that perhaps we don’t love ourselves as well as we would like, we may be inspired to launch some sort of campaign to address the issue. What does it take to do that successfully? We’ve already discerned that good intentions don’t get us far. Detailed plans and schedules never last. I believe there are two foundational pieces that must be in place for transformation to occur in this area.

First, we must recognize our need for an “other” on the journey. We cannot do this transformation process alone. This may be a highly uncomfortable truth to accept. Think about it…if we are struggling to love ourselves, how can we possibly trust that anyone else would love us enough to walk this difficult journey with us? Oh, the irony! Yet – we need to face this challenge head on. We cannot see the forest for the trees. We require an “other” to provide an objective mirror to our processing, one who can hold with stability – all the emotions, history, pain and turmoil that will be unearthed as we dig in to whatever blocks the love of self. A counselor is an obvious choice but some of us are blessed with people in our lives who can play this role. It’s a rare commodity though because this “other” cannot have any potential consequences to your transformation (if they are to be objective), so keep that in mind when you choose your wilderness guide.

Second, we must have a realistic recognition of our present limitations. Remember those indicators we discussed last time that would help us determine if there is a problem? Well – those very indicators typically correlate well with an overfull life. One which has little room for the transformative process that is so desperately needed. Thus, we and our guide will have to formulate a pacing and process that honors our present reality and its attendant limitations. This may mean that the process is painfully slow but slow and steady wins the race. You may need to establish the most basic of self care efforts to begin. You may only be able to attend therapy twice a month, or even once a month. You may be unable to make any meaningful changes in your life until you first work through the inner turmoil. Sometimes, the chaos in our lives requires some sort of jump start if we are ever going to turn the ship around. This is where a therapeutic retreat may be the answer. There is no substitute for completely disconnecting from our worlds for a period of time to focus on the healing that benefits not only ourselves, but those in our world.

Regardless of the road you take, these two cornerstones must be in place and then the work begins. A little window into what that work entails will be our next discussion.

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: Counseling, Psychotherapy, Retreats, Self Care, Self Love

Self Care

August 22, 2016 by Andrea

This is the first of a series on the topic…

Don’t worry – I won’t bore you with the usual lecture on why self care is important. I am also fully aware that you could probably recite to me an impressive list of self care tasks that you ought to be doing. The million dollar question is: despite knowing these things, why are we doing such a terrible job of self care? We make grand plans but our efforts seem to go off the rails eventually.

I believe the answer is something a colleague of mine discussed with me last year. Self care is simply a manifestation of the core issue: self love. If we do not genuinely love ourselves, we will not have the true motivation to follow through on self care plans. Many of us may bristle at this idea, insisting that we do love ourselves. So how do we know if we are fooling ourselves? What’s the evidence? I believe there are a number of indicators we can explore:

Our relationships are unsatisfying. Does it seem that you give all the time and everyone around you simply takes? Is there a pattern of behaviors that you are not happy with but they have continued for years despite your protests? Our loved ones learn how to love us based on how we love ourselves. They take their cues subconsciously from our example so if we don’t like what we see in our relationships, we need to step back and take a look at ourselves.
Our physical health is suffering. When we do not love and value ourselves, that lack is internalized physiologically and manifests as legitimate health problems.
Our emotional health is poor. Anxiety and depression are often symptoms of a lack of self love. If we do not genuinely value ourselves, we are forever at the mercy of what we can get from others. While we need relationships, when our self worth comes solely from human relationships, we are in a perfect setup for emotional dysfunction.
Our automatic thoughts are unkind. We all have that running commentary in our heads. Stop and take notice of how you talk to yourself. Would you say those same things to a loved one?

Awareness is the first step on this journey and it is not unusual for clients to come in with one presenting problem, yet realize that their issues have an underlying source which must be addressed. In our next post, we will take a look at the foundational principles that must be honored for a successful dive into these deeper waters.

If this discussion intrigues you – reach out to us! We are always forming therapy groups and this is a popular topic.

Find part two here…

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: Group Therapy, Self Care, Self Love

Leadership Calling

August 14, 2016 by Andrea

Last week, I attended the Global Leadership Summit put on by Willow Creek Association. It has been an annual tradition for several years now as I have a passion for leadership. When I started attending, I was the Director of the largest department in the Student Development division of the university where I worked. That first experience was such a tank filler and I’ve been hooked ever since. With responsibility for six staff members…all strong and diverse personalities – each handling the tasks of what would be an entire department at other schools, I often referred to my job as “herding cats”. I saw my main role as equipping/empowering my staff to do the difficult work cut out for them as well as fostering relationships across the campus needed for my team to accomplish their mission: facilitating student success. It was an exhausting position but I loved my work and more importantly, I loved my staff. The founder of the Summit – Bill Hybels said “Everybody wins when a leader gets better”. He has said it every year since and I absolutely believe that is true! I knew that any effort I made to understand myself better, to hone my skills and to gain insight into the sacrificial work of leadership would pay off mightily for my staff.

I have not been responsible for a staff since I started teaching in 2012. In some ways, I miss the nurturing aspect of leadership….the joy of investing in the growth of my staff. However, I now have 100+ students I get to lead (in our program) and so I continue to attend the GLS.

As I reflected on the many insights gained at this year’s event, one stood out as the most affirming and inspiring: In his opening talk, Bill Hybels stated that today’s workers are coming from largely dysfunctional homes/backgrounds but as leaders, we have the opportunity to rewrite their story line in how we lead and love them well. That really struck a chord with me. I suppose that’s because as a therapist, this is how I work with clients. I understand that the relationship I build with the client is the main channel through which healing flows. I had never really thought of it in that way though, when it came to those who work for me or study under my tutelage. My hope is to build Phenix into an organization in which other therapists will thrive and grow. I am already investing in that future. I quickly realized that my investment is rewriting the storyline and that was an amazing feeling!

Isn’t this a wonderful (yet terrifying) concept?! How we lead can positively change the trajectory of a person’s life forever. Or, we can reinforce the dysfunctions they have come to know. We get to offer redemption by crafting a healthy organizational culture. One fueled by love, vision, passion and purpose. This gives a whole new spin to the meaning of leadership. It is a high calling. May I say, even sacred? I don’t know about you, but this is the kind of leader I want to be and I am excited to help other leaders in that quest as well!

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: Corporate Culture, Executive Coaching, Leadership, Organizational Culture

Heart, Mind, Body and Soul

August 7, 2016 by Andrea

In late 2013, my body staged a full mutiny against me. After a lifetime of significant emotional stress, capped off by the loss of my daughter, my body had enough and decided it was no longer going to be “business as usual”. Cognitively, I understood the connection between emotional and physical health. Over the years, I had done my fair share of self-care in terms of addressing nutrition, exercise, connecting with others and even seeking counseling. However, it had never been at the level commensurate with what I was actually dealing with. I tend to focus on the good and what I have to get done so much of my methodology involved “keeping it moving”. Maybe you can relate? Especially when you’re a parent, it’s easy to convince yourself that there is no time to live life at the depth that holistic health requires.

By January of 2014, I had to make some drastic decisions and I declared the new year – one of recovery. I made those doctor’s appointments, scheduled procedures, exited a whole lot of commitments, re-entered therapy and pursued a more consistently healthy lifestyle. Who I am today is so very different and I am grateful! Don’t get me wrong…it is scary to upend your life, to attend to those things under the surface. It is a painful process to face the things which need to be grieved, and new insight causes us to re-evaluate all that has come before….not always with the kindest vision. Oh, but how it has all been worth it! In the process, I’ve explored this mind/body connection even more and solidified my understanding of just how much the body cannot be fooled. It will assert itself no matter what.

It is this experience which drives my work – both in the classroom and in the therapist chair. My area of expertise is the emotional, social and mental worlds. I am not a doctor or a pastor but I can ask the questions that help us look at all the connections. I can dive in to the deep waters of trauma, relational damage and the mind tricks we all play while monitoring their effect on our physical and spiritual health. It’s a complicated journey and one I’ve become convinced we cannot do alone. I have found my guides and I love giving back the same. If this topic interests you…contact us to express your interest in a workshop – we plan our events based on what the public requests.

I would love to hear what others have learned along the way in this regard. How have these mind/heart/body/soul connections manifested for you?

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: Holistic health, Mind Body Connection, Psychotherapy, Somatic, Trauma, Workshop

A Beautiful Risk

July 28, 2016 by Andrea

I started teaching in a counseling program because I heard so many stories from clients of woefully inadequate therapy they had received in the past. It boggled my mind to realize how many counselors existed who would only scratch the surface of a person’s pain, then retreat to strategies and interventions designed to band-aid the problem and provide solutions that looked good but didn’t last. I decided that I could do more good by facilitating the development of master therapists who would go on to impact infinitely more lives than I could alone.

In six years of teaching, I have come to realize the key to that goal: we must be willing to dive in to the painful self examination of our own wounds before we seek to sit with the pain of others. In that time frame, life has brought a collection of traumas but also an abundance of fellow travelers, as well as knowledge that has served to shape and mold me into a very different person than I was when I closed my private practice back in 2008 to start a PhD program. Even the world around me has opened up to this idea of vulnerability with researchers like Brene Brown carrying the message to the masses.

Three years ago, I began to consider the idea of going back into practice – the focus being on providing intensive therapy retreats for women. Over time though, it became obvious that the calling was broader – to provide that rare sacred space where men and women can completely deconstruct and build a self/life which reflects who they were truly created to be! The cool thing is that returning to this work will benefit my students as I lead from a place of current experience.

I want to offer hope. I want to challenge people to risk vulnerability with someone who has been there. I know there are individuals out there who are tired of living at the surface. They have a desire to dig deeper and they are willing to invest the time and resources in the journey. I’m here and ready to take that beautiful risk with them.

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: Counseling, Foundations, Hope, Therapy